Thursday, October 1, 2009

Freeze Frame -This freeze-frame moment can't be wrong.

By Chuck Long

Picture your old pal Chuck Long, bent at the waste, hands on knees, gasping for oxygen with sweat pouring off his brow.

Chuck is fatigued. It aint easy being Chuck.

Chuck had better explain.

Unfortunately crafting immaculate pieces of advice on a semi regular basis is not yet proving to be a consistent money-spinner for Chuck or Madame Boodwah. Therefore, both have to maintain their day jobs as highly successful business people. Chuck isn’t complaining about having to work and is most certainly not bothered about the 32 hours per week he puts in in front of the keyboard crafting and formulating his insights in order to help the masses.

What is challenging Chuck’s stamina is the extra curricular activities that are stemming from the work that Chuck is doing for the ladies. Chuck was recently offered the role of patron to the Australian Wine Appreciation Society for his stellar work in driving women to wine appreciation classes in droves. Couple this with the speaking engagements that “Yachting Australia” has Chuck performing and you can imagine how little time Chuck has to just be Chuck. Long time readers have likely had Chuck’s “Certain Amount of Outlay” theory tattooed to their bosom, but for first time readers, catch yourselves up here:

Since Chuck launched his theory, the Reality Bytes inbox has experienced a deluge of emails on a daily basis. Women writing in to thank Chuck for the hot leads, tips and tricks to snagging an eligible bachelor. Chuck gets emotional just thinking about the 90-95 emails that have popped up detailing blossoming relationships and tales of pure joy after finally meeting a soul mate. Chuck has genuinely been touched by the invitations to weddings that have resulted from his matchmaking tips and was truly flattered when one lovely lady asked Chuck to be the celebrant at her special day.

But its not all roses in Chuck’s world. Working through the mass of Reality Bytes reader emails on a daily basis, Chuck has started to come across emails from ladies begging Chuck to stop packaging up so many tips in one go. The argument here is that the ladies cant spread themselves too thin and don’t want to blow some of Chuck’s solid gold opportunities.

So with the readers’ demands in mind and Chuck’s increasing workload and responsibilities dictating that he slow down, Chuck has scaled back his nuggets and will present just the one piece of gold today.. another opportunity for the ladies to pull some premium beef following the “Certain Amount of Outlay” theory.

Male Lassoing Option 7

Photography Classes

Ok, so this one’s going to cost you some bucks ladies. You can’t exactly show up to a photography class with a disposable camera can you? You must look fair dinkum so you also need to subscribe to the “Certain Amount of Outlay” theory on this one. Chuck knows you’ve got used to low cost, high impact tips and this opportunity may sting your hip pocket, but just take a second to cast your mind back to the broken and beaten dating path you used to take… How much money did you blow on vodka cruisers in an effort to meet blokes? How many male escorts did you pay for in the desperate search for the guaranteed orgasm? Take the money you would usually shell out on these avenues and snap yourself up a nice little camera. Trust your man Chuck on this one.

Alright, so you’re heading to photography classes, what’s in store for you? Well for starters, these blokes have shelled out on some pretty decent equipment, which your average schmo isn’t cutting about with. They obviously have some disposable scratch to throw around in the pursuit of their hobby, either that, or they’d skip meals to buy a new lens – indicating passion (think of channelling that desire to your lady bits). On top of that, they are probably creative and artistic which means they are a little more in touch with their emotions and more likely to be interested in yours. Additionally, photographers tend to want to get out and about in search of the “perfect” shot so you can anticipate being whisked away to a variety of locations. You’ll also stumble across people who are dedicated to their craft, which indicates the ability to stick with something and a drive towards betterment. All traits a fine young lady would be looking for in an eligible bachelor.

Another upside to this class is that these blokes will be falling over themselves to take your picture since you’re probably the only talent in the room (other then the emo chick with so many piercings she could pass for a studded belt). Just be aware that they will all want to shoot you starkers! (or if they pitch it under the guise of being tasteful, they may allow you to put some duct tape over your nipples). There is a high probability that you’re walking out of this experiment with a glossy set of glamour shots at the very least!

It would be remiss of Chuck if he didn’t outline some things to look out for. For starters, the class will be an eclectic mix. There will be older gentlemen, which is no problem since Chuck has already told you how to corral a silver fox:

They’re likely to be cashed up and invested in their hobby. The potential downside to these silver foxes is that they are likely to carry their camera everywhere and forever be snapping pictures of birds, trees, sunsets and clouds in preparation for their funeral arrangement. They also seem to be the type to wear slippers in public.

Any younger lens men should be viewed with caution because there is a high probability that they are dirt poor (jobs as photographers don’t pay all that well at the outset) or are only on the course in the hope that they can land a job shooting porn.

Chuck discussed these guys being creative and artistic so be aware that these lads will spend hours waiting to get the shot they want (at the expense of you) and will fall into a blubbering heap if they cant get the right shadowing which will ruin their day and possibly their week. Forget about ever taking impromptu happy snaps again. Every shot will require blocking and appropriate lighting. Those exotic trips to find the “perfect shot”? Think swamps, rocky desert outcrops and the local beach at the arse crack of dawn in order to catch the sun coming up.

Back on the upside, if you manage to pull a dude out of this class, you’ll never have to pay for a wedding photographer again. Additionally all your friends will be envious of your Facebook profile shot. The absolute worst-case scenario from this? You end up as a centrefold spread in Playboy magazine! Think of the exposure you’ll get to eligible males then!

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