Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Nipple Cripple

Dear Madame Boodwah

Recently my new beau has been getting on my nerves not only is his snoring driving me up the wall but he has made a few comments about my nipples such as ‘gee your baby is going to have a hard time suckling on them’ and ‘does your mum have ones like yours?’

I’ve always thought they were quite normal and I’ve never noticed they were any different to the average girl but I guess I don’t look at other girl’s nipples or think about mine until recently.

So now I’ve developed a small nipple complex, how do I get over this Madame Boodwah and do you have any tips on controlling snoring?

Heidi Beam

Dear Heidi Beam,

One of Madame Boodwah’s philosophy’s in life is; no matter how shit you feel about yourself there will always be someone out there who can make you feel better about yourself. In your case it’s Donatella Versace.

In today’s society unrealistic expectations of what nipples should look like are set from the images seen in magazines and porn (soft and hard).

The truth is they come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colours so the ones men see when they get a real girl in the sack (and it doesn’t happen often for them) are generally different to the ones that have been rearranged with a surgeon’s scalpel (a bad example is Tara Reid) or airbrushed in Photoshop.

In doing what the Boodwah’s do in order to make other people feel better during times of discomfort I will share with you a Boodwah family tale about nipples.

A few years ago the Boodwah famille were sitting around Grandpa Boodwah’s bed as he had just died. A few of the family members missed his passing but when they arrived Nana Boodwah in the spirit of Weekend at Bernies encouraged them to talk to Grandpa Boodwah’s corpse as if he were still alive.

My 16 year old brother at the time being the confused little soul he was didn’t know what to say except blurting out "I GOT A NIPPLE RING!" quickly lifting up his shirt to show the piercing then burst into tears. Now Nana Boodwah did love her grandchildren and in order to make him feel better thought she’d relay the story about the night her and Grandpa Boodwah celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.

"One evening before our anniversary dinner we were talking about how we should celebrate our big evening when I decided I would cook a big dinner for Grandpa Boodwah" started Nana Boodwah "Then Grandpa Boodwah suggested we should do what we did on our wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked" Nana Boodwah said smiling.

Everyone surrounding the bed suddenly had a look of ‘shit here we go’ and my mother the Judge insisted she had to go get something from the car.

"I agreed and later that night at the table I said, Lamb Chop, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago" explained Nana Boodwah seductively as my father spat out his water all over my dead grandfather in disbelief of what he just heard. Nana Boodwah grabbed a tissue passing one to my father then started to wipe the water off Grandpa Boodwah’s face lovingly and continued "Then Grandpa Boodwah thoughtfully reached over for my hand and said I think that’s because they are sitting in your soup dear."

There were a few laughs trying to be hidden with coughs. Nana Boodwah sat back down then said "Did I tell you about the time I gave him a nipple cripple?"

We were all quickly looking at all corners of the room in search of distraction.

"It’s a tactic I used for when he was snoring so he’d roll over and stop. This one time…" said Nana Boodwah when I interrupted her and said "Nana I think we should probably go call the funeral parlor" "Yes you’re probably right dear" replied Nana Boodwah.

So yes we are the Boodwah’s but as confronting as Nana Boodwah’s stories can be I would take a leaf out Nana Boodwah’s book of wisdom and follow through by putting his nipple between your thumb and forefinger and giving it a sharp twist.

To be honest it’s kind of wrong/creepy for your boyfriend to ask about your mum’s nipples and talk about childbirth while looking at them. It seems he’s after a mother not a girlfriend.

Good luck Heidi Beam but if it doesn’t work out between you and your boyfriend I wouldn’t be too disappointed.


  1. Heidi Beam, you need to retort back (upon seeing his penis): "gee do girls have a hard time suckling on that?" and "does your dad have one like yours". Or better still, tell him to hit the road...

  2. Mens are seriously f*cking idiots sometimes

  3. be careful little eyes what you seeOctober 28, 2009 at 3:03 AM

    Aaahhhh, that picture! It's forever seared in my memory. It's that disturbing.

  4. I suggest you show him that picture of the overdone turkey above and tell him to thank his lucky stars that you don't have two socks with marbles in them hanging off your sternum. Then tell him he's never going to see them again and bid him adieu. No matter what you're rockin' under your wonder bra, someone out there will enjoy them.