Tuesday, October 6, 2009

And then rigormortis set in.......

By Chuck Long

Hey Chuck,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and while I genuinely love him, he just doesn’t seem to enjoy having sex. Sometimes I only get action between the sheets once a month and orgasm isn’t even guaranteed. A girl has needs!

I would like to hear your thoughts


Dear Nadine,

Quick quiz

You can only answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the following questions

1) Do you have a head like a cat licking shit off a thistle?

2) Is your boyfriend paralysed from the nose down?

3) Are you both devoutly catholic?

4) Do you have chronic genital warts or herpes?

5) Are you legitimately terrible in the sack?

6) Have you ever told him that he has a microscopic penis and that he cannot satisfy you sexually in any way shape or form?

7) Is your physique best described by those that love you as heinous?

8) Does your boyfriend prefer having sex with men?

9) Have you been pounded so hard by previous lovers that your vagina has lost elasticity and your current boyfriend cannot touch the sides?

If the answer to all of the above questions is ‘no’ then dump him immediately. There is no saving the situation and any remaining time spent with this bloke will be sexually hollow and unsatisfying.

Seriously, Chuck needs a little more information here in order to lend an opinion.

If the lack of interest in running one through you has been a recent turn of events, then there may be a number of factors at play that you may be able to rebound from. Things like depression or stress can reduce the libido and may explain your monthly tussle in the sheets. Chuck’s no MD and isn’t about to start dishing out medical advice but a quick way to test for depression is to check out his iPod and see if he is listening to The Smiths or The Cure (born in the 70’s) or any of the fucking brutal emo shit the kids are listening to nowadays (born anytime after 1985). If this is the case, get him off to the doctor.

Physical fitness is another area that may affect your sex life. If he has turned into a slob (or got a new job in IT) and is subsisting on a diet of beer, soft drink, pizza and chips then his twinkie isn’t going to operate at optimal capacity and his drive to pile drive you may be reduced. If you’ve noticed the belt getting let out additional notches or your bloke developing man boobs you’ll need to kick his behind into shape or get him on the Subway diet quick stix.

A sudden reduction in sex drive may also point to your man having an affair or frequenting brothels. If he is dumping his beans at another weigh station, there is a strong chance that he wont feel the need to dock his vessel in your port. You can determine whether he is engaging prostitutes by carefully checking his credit card statement and being alert for purchases made at places with names like ‘Legs Akimbo’, ‘Bunny Ranch’ or ‘Kings Cross Knock Shop’.

Determining if your boy is having an affair is a little trickier. Stay alert for foreign perfumes on him (be careful he hasn’t just waltzed through a department store), late night business meetings, unexpected trips away or random late night text messages from people called Nikki or Beckie (please note - these could also be the prostitutes he has been visiting).

Depression, stress and physical fitness can be rectified through medical attention and exercise. If your man can get those things straightened out you’ll be on the polony pony before you know it. If your dude is putting his cock in any other poontang, then Chuck suggests you either boot him or get on the offensive - attack his penis with scissors and cut it off.

From a different perspective, if your sex life has been a series of monthly interactions since you got together with this guy (remember 12 x 3 years = 36 pokings) then Chuck suggests that you offer a hearty handshake, pack up your valuables and get the hell out of there.

Lets be serious here for one damn minute. You have needs - you may not require your snatch to be serviced 31 times per month (30 in September, April, June and November) (And February’s great with 28
And Leap Year’s February’s fine with 29) but there has to be some in and out action. If your boyfriend can’t get the motivation to operate his hardware now while your relatively young (Chuck is assuming that you fall into the typical Reality Bytes readership demographic of 17 – 65) then what makes you think he ever will?

Chuck’s guessing that you’ve had plenty of discussions with him about your needs and his lack of interest. It is probably safe to say that you’ve had some heated battles over it. Unfortunately relationships aren’t just about being compatible on an emotional and personal level. That’s what friendships are for. You don’t hump your BFF. You also have to be compatible with your partner sexually. If your libidos don’t match up, you are setting yourself up for plenty of frustration and potential problems down the road – picture yourself with your tennis coach, a pool cleaner, a diesel powered vibrator or an elderly politician. Nothing good will come from it.

If you’re resolute about having one last ditch attempt at making it work, Chuck would suggest secretly pumping as much Viagra as you can into him. Sprinkle it on his cereal, dump it in his coffee, mix it into a stir-fry – what ever you have to do. We are talking horse tranquiliser levels here. You want him with an absolute throbbing hard-on that will not subside. Hopefully he will enjoy sticking it inside you at every opportunity and get a taste for it.

At some point you will have to withdraw the Viagra consumption so that his heart doesn’t explode. If flaccidity returns, get him straight back on the drugs and risk the myocardial infarction. Just be sure to make the most of it when rigormortis sets in!

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