Monday, August 31, 2009

$100 on the nose

Not too long ago, Chuck was asked by female reader Anne:

Ok, so you've told blokes how to meet a woman, what about some advice for us ladies to meet a man?

Over the past few weeks, Chuck has really put some time and effort into this question because in reality, its not just Anne who wants to know the answer here. There are legions of women out there who need Chuck to lay his bag on the line and provide some insight into where the ladies need to go to fish from the “good” XY pond.

Of course Chuck is making a giant assumption here, guessing that Anne isnt looking for sausage-fest 2009. If that's the case Annie, please drop Chuck a line and we can spend another post hypothesising on the best places to go to find the meat hammer.

Lets get on with the good sauce shall we?

Ladies, let Chuck introduce you to a new theory:

Certain Amount of Outlay”

Not so long ago, Chuck was sitting at a dinner party heatedly discussing the absolute necessity for women to wear G-strings while exercising (totally new topic right there). Chuck's dinner conversation partner (DCP) was arguing that while working out she isnt looking to pick up. Chuck inquired as to what sort of exercise she partook in. The DCP responded “rock climbing”. Suddenly an idea dawned on Chuck “how much does urban, indoor rock climbing cost?”

the DCP responded:

about $20”

Chuck inquired “how often do you go?'

DCP “once or twice per week”

Chuck computed what he knew about rock climbing while adding the 40 bones per week:

expensive equipment + physically fit (try lifting your own body weight with your fingers) + male dominated activity + urban setting mid week + 40 smackeroos per week = eligible bachelors

Some of you may want some insight into the brilliant workings of Chucks mind. You're sitting there saying “Ok, we all know that rope, harnesses and chalk are expensive. That's easy. We know rock climbers are physically fit. We know its a male dominated activity. How the hell did you get to eligible bachelors?”

That's why Chuck gets paid the big bucks.

Most rock climbers wear tight fitting clothes and often no shirts- exhibitionists with a little confidence. Secondly, its a rock climbing centre being populated by blokes mid week. How many married blokes could get a pass out twice a week to climb up a wall in a giant shed? Thirdly, these blokes are dropping upwards of 40 bucks a week to climb said wall. They obviously don't have a partner crunching the numbers and obviously do have some extra flash cash to piss away.

All that equals eligible bachelors.

2 revelations came out of this conversation

  1. Chucks DCP was immediately purchasing an athletic G Banger

  2. the theory of Certain Amount of Outlay was born

So what is the the theory of Certain Amount of Outlay?

Women need to go to places that require men to commit something in order for them to engage in the activity. They need to outlay something (not necessarily money) in order to fully participate and benefit from the experience. If a bloke has put a bit of capital on the line, they are usually serious about it and are probably NOT there to pick-up which means a lady can study them, evaluate them and even get to know them before a guy figures out that he wants to bone you.

The added value to this theory is that many of these places are places that you as a lady may actually have an interest in, so it is mutually beneficial. You have a shared interest right off the bat which definitely aids in the compatibility stakes.

Now it wouldn't be fair for Chuck to rattle off a hundred different options for a number of reasons-

  1. The female readership would race off to these places, pick up eligible bachelors, settle down, be happy, get married and never read Reality Bytes again

  2. There are actually some places that fit the criteria but should in fact be avoided

  3. Chuck needs to put some thought into each option

So for the unveiling of the Certain Amount of Outlay Theory, let Chuck present 2 options for male harpooning (one being rock climbing) and 1 option for the ladies to avoid.

Male Harpooning Option 1

Rock climbing is the first activity to be added to the list and Chuck only needs to flesh out a few more details here. The lads are physically fit, not adverse to getting their shirts off (which allows you to try before you buy), and they are more than happy to stand underneath you looking up your clacker while holding the rope. They are participating after hours, mid week which means they are gainfully employed. As a beginning female you can rely on them for some impromptu instruction which will allow you to evaluate their cognitive and conversational capacity.

We've covered all the other key points on rock climbing so convert your sex swing harness into a rock climbing rig and hit the wall.

Option to stay away from

Greyhound racing / greyhound track

Gambling does fall under the Certain Amount of Outlay theory. Unfortunately, for the most part, you don't want to be logging too many hours on the pull at the local greyhound track. For one, you will most likely be the only female in the place that doesn't walk on 4 legs. Secondly, greyhound racing is said to be in some circles the least reliable form of animal racing (meaning that its tougher to win money). Thirdly, there are issues around how humanely the dogs are treated.

What does this all mean to you? Well, you don't want to be swarmed upon by 20 blokes who are unreliable gamblers with little conscience for the well being of dogs do you?

These blokes are outlaying their hard earned often mid week (which ticks a few of the boxes) but they are deriving limited mental or physical benefit from it. As a female on the prowl, you wont be finding too many hard bodies at your local track on your side of the fence. Additionally, their pay-check is being drained away based on a particularly catchy name:

hey, lets put a hundred on the dog called Cunning Linguist” (insert hearty meaty laugh here)

Male Harpooning Option 2


Chuck knows what some of you ladies are saying-

everything he fucking talks about relates to sport”

But rest assured, in future instalments there will be some non physically demanding places to shop.

Lets get back on topic.

Both triathlon and rock climbing fall under what Chuck refers to as an “investment sport”. Its a sport that if you are going to do it properly, you do need to invest some time and money into it.

Triathlon requires an reasonably expensive bike, clothing and equipment for 3 different sports as well as significant time to train across all 3 activities. Triathletes often belong to clubs of like minded people who are all in ridiculously good shape and have the cash to purchase the necessary gear. It is an after hours event (once again indicating gainful and sustainable employment).

The down side to triathletes is that in many instances men stumble into it as part of their pre mid-life crisis. Mid to late 30's, cant really cut it on competitive sporting teams any longer, desire to keep fit and get their juices flowing in a sporting environment. These blokes can be somewhat narcissistic and wrapped up in their own world so stay on the look out for fresh tattoos and hair dye.

Another key selling point to triathletes - they are able to piss while running, swimming or cycling which is by no means an easy feat.

Chuck will be back with more Certain Amount of Outlay.....

Sunday, August 30, 2009


Not so long ago, Chuck was engaged in a lively conversation with a female friend at a local alehouse when they spied a couple of young men that they recognised from past activities. Upon approaching the lads and offering up greetings, it was soon evident that one of them was on a date and that the other was along for the ride as the date had insisted upon bringing a friend along.

Once Chuck had finished a series of jokes about polygamy, Mormon marriages, ancient courting rituals and this dude's complete and utter non-chance at getting laid tonight, the subject turned to the friend's wingman obligation.

Almost instantaneously, Chucks female friend stated “oh, so you have to be a good wingman and take her off to the side to talk to her”. As she was saying this she was smiling broadly as if she had unlocked some secret of the male domain.

Chuck could only shake his head in bemusement. Is this what we have come to in society? Watering down one of the last remaining bastions of male virility?

Of course, this leads to part 13 of the Chuck Long Educational Series for Women. This chapter is one of 650 designed to introduce women to some of the intricacies of the male psyche as well as aiding in familiarising ladies with male behaviour.

Today's piece focusses on the proper definition and use of the Wingman.

In its purest form, the wingman is responsible for distracting the female friend (who traditionally plays the role of A1 cockblocker), getting her away from the object of your mate's desire and in most instances actually running a length through her while your homeboy takes his target off for his own oil and lube change.

Since many of the Reality Bytes readers may be having a hard time grasping the concept, let Chuck use a real life example that everyone can relate to:

In the movie Top Gun, Maverick and Goose hit the bar and Maverick spots his target (Charlie). He informs Goose that he is locked in and immediately their roles are defined. Maverick is on point and Goose is the wingman. If on the other hand Goose had made a call (and let's be honest, the only thing he would have been pulling that night was his own pud, especially with that wispy moustache he was sporting), then Maverick would have been obligated to play the role of wingman. In reality, Charlie would have been slurping down gin and tonics with a frumpy friend, bitching about her last boyfriend.

As Maverick approaches, the frumpy friend instantly determines that he has less than pure thoughts on his mind and she immediately starts counting Charlie's drinks, killing the mojo on any of Maverick's best lines and generally trying to squirrel Charlie as far away as possible. Her mission is to prevent Maverick from getting off a rocket.

This is where Goose comes in. As a true wingman, he has to engage the bogey and get her to divert her attention to him. He has to listen to her banal conversations, offer soft compliments at first until she begins to loosen up and then he has to get her heat seeker focussed squarely on him. While he is running interference, Maverick is working the flaps, trying to get maximal elevation.

If Goose is a wingman of high standing, he actually gets the bogey thinking that all her lucky stars have collided and she loses all interest in cockblocking. This allows Maverick to go full throttle, and for his target to take control of the joystick and steer them out of there. Goose is left with a fully engaged bogey and two tanks full of aviation fuel to dump.

What seems to have been lost in translation is that the end result of all this is that the friend (Maverick) puts one away. Too many times Chuck has heard the term wingman tossed around after some dude has managed to secure a phone number while his buddy was buying the chunky friend a vodka cruiser.

That isnt being a wingman, that is being an enabler – Goose would be turning in his grave if he knew that his role had been diluted so woefully.

The wingman has to put all self respect and reasoning to one side and take one for the team no matter what the friend looks, smells or feels like. He has to use every move in his repertoire to distract this woman so that his boy can get the job done. In polling blokes about the least attractive thing they have ever put their howitzer in and why, most would respond that it was as a result of the call of duty. They were doing what they had to do for their country.

Of course, the true measure of friendship is a bloke who zeroes in on a woman with good looking companions where all the hard work is actually worth the end result.

For all Maverick's crocodile tears at Goose's tragic death, he couldn't have cared for him all that much since he went after a woman with a male companion.

RIP Goose, the ultimate wingman – taking a scud missile in the tail pipe.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The First Cut is the Deepest

Dear Chuck,

I need some advice on how to redeem myself - and I'm not entirely sure it's possible. But before I begin my story can I just stress here I am not a drug addict!

I am a hairdresser, and about a year ago, a very hot client walked into my salon. We really clicked that first appointment and he continued to return for many months, we steadily became better friends, and I became a little bit smitten. I resolved that on his next visit I would ask him out.

The perfect opportunity arose when my friend Lo-Ann decided to have a party. I was a bit hesitant to ask him along - because her parties can get a little out of hand, and he struck me as a particularly straight kind of guy - but regardless when I saw him that week I made up my mind.

So I said

"My friend is having a party this weekend and I was wondering if you would like to come along with me?"

To which he replied

"Lo-Ann? That's an unusual name. Is she Ceylonese?"

Now I didn't hear "Ceylonese" - because I didn't really know that Ceylon was what people used to call Sri Lanka.

What I heard was "Is she selling E's?"

So, a little taken aback, but trying to be helpful all the same, I reply:

"I don't think so. But I can get you some if you want."

His face said it all - he laughed and explained what he meant - but I fear the damage was done. He didn't come out with me that weekend, said it didn't sound like his scene.

Thankfully he hasn't cancelled his next appointment - so I will see him again - but I am wondering how I redeem myself from this, as he was so very obviously unimpressed with the idea of drugs, and even more unimpressed at the idea I could get them.

Do I bother attempting to explain myself? Do I try to have a second crack at this and ask him again to something tame - like a picnic? Or do I just go and buy myself a set of encyclopedias and write this one off?


Dear Chantelle,

They say that you only get one chance to make a first impression and boy oh boy didn't you set the world on fire in your opening attempt.

You've taken life by the balls and asked this tasty piece of fluff out. That in itself is a massive effort and you deserve kudos. Unfortunately as Chuck sees it, you've pretty much made yourself out to be a crack whore.

A couple of things to consider:

a) Who the fuck knows that Sri Lanka used to be called Ceylon? That's the sort of information that trivia nights are won and lost on. In fact, just by dropping that on you, this bloke may in fact be showing you he's a total smarmy arsehole. On the other had, perhaps he was trying to impress you with his deep knowledge of useless information. Next time you see him tell him about your last trip to Persia and see if he makes any mention of the place going to the dogs since they changed the name to Iran.

b) Have you ever considered that this guy could be a tee totalling, no sex before marriage, beige coloured, wheat grass drinking, bible bashing happy clapper? Is this guy such a straight edge that it wouldn't work anyway? In Chuck's opinion, it is a big deal to be asked out by a woman, so if he was prepared to blow your offer off just like that, is he actually someone you would want to go out with?

c) a straight shooting woman holding extremely sharp scissors with the brass to offer up a drug connection may have rattled his cage.

Look, he hasnt cancelled his next appointment which means that you either give fantastic follicle care, he likes you or your prices are reasonable. So how the hell do you dig yourself out of this drug induced interest coma?

As usual, let Chuck do the heavy lifting

  • between now and his next appointment, try to eat as little as possible and do not expose yourself to any sunlight whatsoever. Then, 15 minutes before he comes in for his cut, bust out 450 star jumps which should have the effect of making you sweat profusely. So the look that you are giving him as he sits down is emaciated, ghostly white and pasty or better known as withdrawing from drug addiction. He will now see first hand that you are drug free.


  • whilst cutting his hair and making small talk, be sure to drop in some bible passages to demonstrate your purity. For example, try one of Chuck's favourites:

I have always been passionate about cutting hair, I try and make sure that it is always in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love;”

2 Corinthians 6:6


  • Once you have him situated in the chair, hold the scissors up to his jugular and scream at him that you were just misunderstood.


  • Tell him that he is lucky that he got his next appointment as he completely scared you with what you perceived to be his demands for illicit drugs and that your offer to procure said illicit substances was a defence mechanism in order to avoid a drug addled bashing at his hands.


  • Make light of the situation. Tell him how he caught you off guard with his wanky (or on a more politically correct level – left of centre) Ceylonese reference and that you misunderstood him. In all of this confusion and in an effort to impress him, you blurted out that you could help out when in reality you wouldn't know the first thing about buying illegal drugs (some creative license is acceptable in this situation). It is at this point that you bite the bullet and admit that you were interested in seeing him on a non service providing level and see how he reacts. If he still isn't interested, cut his dick off.

In all seriousness, you have to take another crack at this guy. He is attractive, he appreciates your work and he's coming back for seconds. All you have to lose this time is your dignity (again) and $50 a month (or more depending on what suburb your salon is located in).

Once he's left the salon, take the edge off by pulling buckets out of the hair washing sink.

So I married a Gold Amex.

This one is not so much a question but a challenge – I don’t think you could possibly find a worse dating story. But this did happen to my best friend, let’s call her Belle.

Belle, as she headed towards her 30s, was getting a bit of pressure from the olds to discard her 20-something “gentile” flings and find herself a good Jewish boy. Starting to run out of options, she hit J-Date, and cycled through a few doctors, dentists, lawyers who had the prereq’s and the Amex gold cards that meant they would pass muster with papa and the crew at temple. One of these dates was reportedly earning high six-figures and perhaps this was a little blinding to my friend Belle, who put aside an irksome, niggling feeling that something wasn’t quite right about this guy.

So, after their first date, she suggested they catch up again and she forced herself through an awkward yet expensive dinner, then another and another. Things didn’t entirely click with him – in fact he was just plain peculiar – but Belle’s 30th birthday was looming and her parents were tightening the thumbscrews, so Belle wondered if, despite their lack of chemistry, she should just swallow her niggling doubts about this guy and get on with the job. She could hear the sounds of a wine glass being smashed underfoot and shouts of Mazel Tov – and that gold Amex being handed over.

In the end, she didn’t have to decide, because she was offered a job in London with her firm and was transferred over there. The Jewish dating pool there was a lot bigger, which was a big relief to her, and she put memories of all those awkward J-Dates behind her. Until one of her friends back in Sydney sent her an email... She opened it and there was a newspaper story from the Sydney Morning Herald, with a photo of her former date, and the headline, “Jewish man charged with paedophilia”.

Now, we’ve all had our dating blinkers at some time or other – sometimes frustration can lead a girl to do some seriously silly things – but nothing could beat this one. Chuck and Madame Boudwah, I don’t know what you’d say about this story, but I imagine it’s a little reminder to all of us gals to listen to our inner dating guardian angel when she’s screaming at you that something is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!

This was certainly the final nail in Belle’s dating coffin. Shaken and mortified, she took herself off London’s Jewish dating website and her only couch companions these days are a packet of Tim Tams from the local Aussie supermarket.

Yours, the dating angel.

Madame Boodwah

Dear Dating Angel,

Today you have thrown us back into deep dark depths of the dating inferno. Ladies let this be a lesson to you all. No matter how much mama and papa are putting pressure on you to get down the aisle always go on a date with your self worth in check and a healthy idea on what you deserve. His Gold Amex will never make up for the fact that he is the reincarnation of Satan himself.

I’m sure your Aunt Megabitch’s commentary on why you’re still single like ‘you’re too fussy’ or ‘you’ve put on weight‘ has lead you to suppress your intuition and lower your standards even though her husband has been “working late” with his secretary for the past 20 years. However the truth is you probably haven’t been ruthless enough.

Understandably when something is not quite right with a date being a kiddie fiddler or an axe murderer is last thing we’d think of but as soon as that inner voice is louder than you and you don’t walk away feeling good from that date you need to trust your dating guardian angel and axe him.

Always go on date having faith that there are great available men on this planet of 6.7 billion knowing that just incase you get served a pile of shit your dating life doesn’t end there. Also have faith that it will happen when the time is right for you - Not mama, not papa and certainly not Aunt Megabitch.

Thank you for sharing dear dating guardian angel I hope our lovely readers will listen to you in the future.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

When Friends Attack

Dear Chuck,

I am writing on behalf of a friend, who for anonymity's sake we'll call Joanna. To start the story, we'll have to go back a few years to Joanna's friend's wedding where Jill does wholeheartedly say I do to Jack. (Okay clearly not their real names). Joanna is one of the bridesmaids standing proudly off to the left.

Fast forward five years. Jack and Jill have gone through a messy and acrimonious divorce, and as a result Jill is heartbroken and undergoing counselling for severe depression. Jack moves to a new city. It also happens to be the same city to which Joanna has moved. Joanna herself is in the midst of a dating slump. A three year slump to be precise, and it has taken its toll on her self-esteem and confidence. Part of it has to do with the fact she has become significantly, shall we politely say, larger.

One day she gets a text message out of the blue, from Jack. He says he saw her in a bar a while ago, remembered her from the wedding, and wondered if she was free to catch up. She calls to check it was him and not some joker - and it turns out that yes, it is him, and he seems friendly and she thinks she detects a flirtatious tone to his voice. Flattered, she agrees to dinner.

Now she knows about Joanna's broken heart, and against all good advice from her friends, she goes along to what she has built up in her head as a date.

During the date they get on, chat continuously, but there's a hint of awkwardness in Jack's demeanour. But unperturbed Joanna continues to order the cocktails and the wines until they are both quite pickled. It's here she decides that she might drop a hint or two about what the two of them could get up to later that evening. Jack begins to look a bit anxious, and seems to simply ignore or brush off the comments. She makes a few more hints.

It's at this point Jack decided to kindly tell her: "I'm sorry, when I called you, I thought I was calling the OTHER bridesmaid".

Chuck, what does one tell a friend that has done this and so blatantly broken all codes of friendship? Does she deserve it? And is there a chance that Joanna can repair the friendship with Jill - who did indeed find out about the date? And what of Jack? What kind of punishment does this man deserve for hitting on his ex-wife's bridesmaids - surely these are forever out of bounds? And why would he have found it so necessary to tell Joanna that she was in fact not his first choice - couldn't he have just politely declined and left it at that?


Dear Mel,

Playing the old “writing on behalf of a friend” chestnut. Chuck hasn't heard that one for a while. Don't worry Mel, Chuck'll indulge you.

This whole situation is a karmatic quagmire. Chuck needs to reaffirm a long established social etiquette:

you NEVER chop up a friends ex

Since the birth of time.... well more accurately since cavemen stopped trying to spread their seed into anything with 2 feet and a heartbeat in order to mass reproduce, it has been widely acknowledged that friends and family are off limits. In some circles, even mentioning that a mate's girlfriend is attractive is grounds for a glassing.

Since both parties are guilty of varied indiscretions, it is imperative that Chuck offers comment on both.


First thing Chuck needs to say is – you got got on that one girlfriend.

A 3 year relationship hole and a FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area), is not grounds for breaking the friendship convention. Hefty bag Joanna may have been lacking self esteem and confidence before she decided to fish from the company pier, but how does being ex-communicated by someone who thought enough of you to have you in their bridal party taste now?

Chuck is almost tempted to say that Joanna's act is morally despicable. Honey Bear wasn't looking for a meaningful relationship, she was gunning for a slump-buster as evidenced by her not so subtly offering up the nappy dugout* at dinner. It doesn't appear that Jack the Lad was in her sights at any time until the fateful text message came through. Our girl got an open shot at goal and took it, damning all the consequences.

* nappy dugout – an extremely hairy vagina

As for her friendship with Jill, well Jo Jo the clown is well and truly at the mercy of her ex-pal on this one. She pulled a self-serving stunt when her friend was in the emotional gutter and it has backfired. The best course of action would be to admit that she needed the dust knocked off it and that her loins took full operational control of her body. She saw what she thought was easy access to some pole (presumably Jill had talked up Jack's expertise at some stage in their friendship) and allowed her desire to override her sense of responsibility and friendship.

Joanna tried to fall on Jacks sword, now she needs to fall on her own in order to save her friendship.


As funny as this may seem however, our boy Jack actually scoots under the radar on this one on the grounds that he is unlikely to be friends with any of Jill's home-girls. Sure, if he actually landed in a serious relationship with any of Jill's girls, social get togethers would be a tad awkward, but Chuck is guessing that Jumpin' Jack merely wanted to toss his sausage down the hallway.

In fact, it was a fairly audacious move by Jackie boy. Surely the acrimonious nature of his split from Jill would tarnish his rep amongst her posse and spoil any crack he would have at the muff. Either Jack is an arrogant son of a bitch or our boy is a stud muffin with the minge on a string.

Looking at it from another point of view, perhaps Jack the Ripper was gunning for the Friendship Fracturing Fuck or FFF as we like to call it here at Reality Bytes. Maybe he was playing the ultimate revenge card in his nasty divorce. By popping one of his ex wives besties (she was in the bridal party after all), he is driving a wedge between some of her relationships. Jill may be taking half, but Jack is taking her crew.

What a dastardly plan, unfortunately, all signs would point to Jack being somewhat simpler than that. After all, he did show the sense and good taste not to pound Joanna for the sake of getting his load off. She was pretty much offering up her tuppyhole on a platter and many lesser men would have dived in feet first.

His brutal honesty saved him another difficult call from the super keen and clearly super dodgy bridesmongrel. It lacked all tack and decorum, but who are we kidding, the guy is on a date with his ex-wife's bridesmaid (albeit the wrong one), it's not like he is the second coming of Mother Theresa.

Don't get Chuck wrong, Jack has crossed the line here and probably deserves a dirty great cold-sore outbreak just in time for the Spring Racing Carnival but he has broken no code, rather shown poor form. Chuck spent considerable time after receiving this sordid email researching societal norms around carving up members of an ex bridal party and could find no precedent suggesting it is repugnant act.

Jill, if you're out there reading Reality Bytes, Chuck suggests you grit your teeth and allow Joanna her time in court to plead her case for reinstatement of friendship. Once you've done that, flip through your phone book and line up some dates with Jack's groomsmen – all of them, if you know what Chuck means.

Monday, August 24, 2009

What goes on the road......

Dear Chuck and the gorgeous Madam Boodwah,

I have a dilemma. A good friend of mine who lives overseas called to say her boyfriend was going to be in my neighbourhood for one weekend on a business trip.

I had only met him once, briefly, but seeing as he was in town alone and didn't know anyone, I offered to take him out to dinner. Everything seemed to be going well, until he starts talking about the cute girls he chatted to in a bar earlier in the day and demanding to know how many times I've thought about cheating on my husband.

This struck me as a very strange thing to say to his girlfriend's mate and more like something a guy would say when he's on the pull.

I paid the bill and left him in the restaurant to drag his sorry, bullying, drunken arse back to his hotel by himself.

Why would a guy do this? Do I tell my friend that I suspect her boyfriend is a cheating asshat? Or do I give him the benefit of the doubt and blame his behaviour on too much wine and ingrained character flaws?


Don Wannabea Dobba

Dear DWD,

There's an old sporting adage:

What goes on the road, stays on the road”

Loosely translated, this means that when a sporting teams takes off to face an opposition on foreign soil, all indiscretions (generally those that take place off the field) are kept amongst the squad.

In this instance, if you were on a sporting team with this fellow, you would be obligated to keep these actions under your hat and put on a happy face as the team bus pulled up and he leapt into the arms of his waiting lover

Unfortunately for this travelling knob jockey, you aren't on a team and in fact your loyalties lie with the opposition.

You state that you had only met this chap once previously so there are a couple of scenarios to consider

a) at your first meeting you were giving him the bedroom eyes

b) his ultimate fantasy is to chop up his girlfriend's mates.

c) he's an adulterous douche bag

Chuck is leaning to option 3.

You ask a couple of pertinent questions:

  1. why would a guy do this?

Perhaps he was trying to play the dangerous card, make you feel like he has poontang on tap, options aplenty. Remember, women like bad boys.

Maybe he thought he was in with a chance with you so he mentions the cute girls to let you know that he is looking and asks you about your cheating thoughts to evaluate your moral fibre and availability.

There is a chance that he actually wants to break up from his girlfriend but doesn't have the testicular fortitude to pull the trigger. His strategy may be to incriminate himself to you, allow you to rat him out and have your friend give him the axe. He could deny all allegations, blame you but still walk away over trust issues and get away almost blame free.

Most likely he is a dimwit. On his own in a different town with road beef* on his mind. The spermatozoa that has accumulated in his brain is pickling his thoughts and he has let his guard down.

*Road Beef – women that are boned by athletes on road trips

Seriously, is it really that hard to be a normal bloke? All he had to do was show up, be polite, buy a couple of drinks, make small talk and get out of there to the hooker he had eyeballed on his drive in. You and his soon to be ex girlfriend would be non the wiser.

Instead his loose lips have sunk his ship which leads us to your second question:

  1. Do I tell my friend that I suspect her boyfriend is a cheating asshat?

In Chuck's professional opinion, yes you absolutely do.

You may have to package it up by saying “i was out with X and he was making some odd remarks that really worried me” and leave it at that or you could be brutally honest and break it down point by point.

What do you have to lose?

Your friend may pack the shits with you, but she lives overseas and you barely see her anyway. Your conscience will be clear

Chuck Long

Creep - Musings of Madame Boodwah

Creep is this guy's theme song. Lets picture this song from Radiohead playing in the background as I deliver my response to your questions. Hit it Thom...

Cause I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo…..’

  • Why would a guy do this?

Because some mothers do have them. He could possibly be unhappy in his relationship but this is still no excuse to act like a creep. Insecurity and a thirst for control due to an actual lack of it are other thoughts that come to mind…

I don’t care if it hurts, I want to have control’

  • Do I tell my friend that I suspect her boyfriend is a cheating asshat?

Yes but in the way Chuck has suggested. If you were in your friend's situation wouldn’t you want to know? I certainly would. If you and your friend are truly good friends and know each other well, she’ll know that your statements are coming from the heart. At worst she may be a bit irked but if you’re great friends she’ll get over it and one day thank you because if she hadn’t dumped x she wouldn’t have met y. The last thing you want is an invitation to her and this chumps wedding in a couple of years. CRINGE!

Or do I give him the benefit of the doubt and blame his behaviour on too much wine and ingrained character flaws?

No. No way. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s done creepy stuff like this before and uses alcohol as the excuse to his girlfriend all the time. It seems like this guy has something on his conscience and is almost projecting it on to you to feel less bad about himself.

You’re so f*cking special. I want to be special.’

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Dante's Dating Inferno - Part 5 - The Finale

So on Monday I text him, asking him did he want to reschedule this week? And then he tells me he doesn't think its a good idea. Why? Because he has a GIRLFRIEND. He hastens to clarify that he's been on a few dates with this girl, but it's just turned serious and he thinks he would be cheating on her if he saw me again. I'm a bit dumbstruck to be honest - in the space of 15 hours, the man has gone from inviting me to his pad for a Sunday arvo shag (well reading between the lines I'm assuming that's what he was after) to having a serious girlfriend. I take the higher ground, wish him well, and expect to hear no more from this clown.

Except two weeks later, I get this text: "Hi Liz, things didn't work out with my girlfriend. I hope you won't be offended but I was wondering if you wanted to hang out again."

I'm sorry but this just floored me. Totally and utterly left me open-mouthed, yelling "What the f***!!! WHAT THE F***!!!" at my phone. Short of hurling abuse or scorn at the man, I couldn't form a response, so simply gave none.

Clearly this guy is a joker that deserves no more of my time. But I am left with questions....why break a five month dry spell on a first date? Who then thinks it is okay to leave said date with friends are so off their faces they actually couldn't pronounce their own names? (Really, one of them couldn't manage to say "Andrew"). Who then gets a "serious girlfriend" in the space of 15 hours? And lastly, who the f*** thinks writing a text message effectively saying "well my first choice didn't work out, so I might as well have a second crack at you" is an okay thing to do?

Chuck, Madame Boodwah....WTF????

Chuck Long: Liz, this guy is such a train wreck that there is a high probability that he has forgotten that the lady he is paying to have sex with him is a prostitute and has delusionally started to believe that she was his girlfriend.

Chuck is still a little dumbfounded that you kept this guy on the radar.

Chuck can appreciate that you have some questions, so lets put some thought into each of them

Why break a five month dry spell on a first date? Modern medical definitions describe alcoholism as a disease and addiction which results in a persistent use of alcohol despite negative consequences.

Who then thinks it is okay to leave said date with friends are so off their faces they actually couldn't pronounce their own names? An alcoholic.

Who then gets a "serious girlfriend" in the space of 15 hours? Yeah, an alcoholic.

Who the f*** thinks writing a text message effectively saying "well my first choice didn't work out, so I might as well have a second crack at you" is an okay thing to do? Geez, let Chuck have a think about alcoholic.

Many alcoholics are able to gain control of their lives and lead relatively normal existence's. This guy clearly has not won his battle with the devil's water and all his decision making is off-kilter as a result. You cannot expect anything along the lines of normality with this bloke as evidenced by the roller coaster events in the above experience.

Chuck knows that meeting a top shelf bloke in this day and age can be a long and arduous task but that does not mean that you need to lower your standards and put up with this dog and pony show.

After this experience, Chuck suggests you take a long hot shower with a brillo pad and scrub away the demons – both his.....and yours.

Madame Boodwah, Chuck needs a stiff drink, can you close this one down?

Madame Boodwah: Pass the scotch Chuck. Dante I think we can all agree that you have well and truly reached the deep dark depths of the dating inferno. I agree with Chuck on his response to your questions. I am sure this is an experience that you’ll never forget but the good news is the only way from here is up.

Unless our readers prove us wrong can it really get any worse than this? I’m happy you didn’t reply to his request to be his second best girlfriend. That is the best response you could of given him.

This drunkard is one short of a 6 pack. He insults the intelligence of all human kind. May the next guy you attract be the polar opposite.

In conclusion Madame Boodwah suggests adding some mentholated spirits to that brillo pad.

Chuck I need a refill.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Try!.........but not too hard.

For all of you dialing in for Part 5 of Dante's Dating Inferno, your final installment will now be transmitted on Monday. For today, Chuck had to tackle the following subject in light of Australia's upcoming tussle with New Zealand in the rugby:

Dear Chuck,

I'm enjoying the blog and hoping to put the lessons into practice in Sydney when I go to the rugby. If I leave that stadium without an invitation to someone's house / bar / boat for post game drinks, I'll be most upset! Maybe we need a post on how to pick up at a rugby match! For example, will he be impressed that I am there and into the game as much as he is, or is he likely to just see me as one of the boys?


The Future Mrs Berrick Barnes.

Dear FBB,

Women and sports.. what a conundrum.

Chuck has put a lot of time and thought into this very question. On the one had, a well educated and passionate woman can be the ultimate date or partner. On the other hand she can be a ridiculous and sometimes embarrassing pain in the arse. From another perspective, a love of sport and sharing a kindred spirit with a bloke may actually shift your view from lover to one of the lads.

Chucks suggests you smear on some dencorub and adjust the protective cup as we delve into the realm of women, sport and relationships.

A few key observations:

*What isn't attractive to a man in a woman at a sporting event – slamming bundy and cokes and hanging over the fence abusing Keven Mealamu.

*What is attractive to a man in a woman at a sporting event – knowing how the scoring system works.

*What isnt attractive to a man in a woman at a sporting event – getting into a fight at a sporting event with another spectator or worse yet, getting your partner in a fight on your behalf.

*What is attractive to a man in a woman at a sporting event – knowing the players on each team.

*What isnt attractive to a man in a woman at a sporting event – openly suggesting that you would bone every guy on the team.

*What is attractive to a man in a woman at a sporting event – knowing the basic history and recent success / failure of your team.

*What isnt attractive to a man in a woman at a sporting event – power spewing during the match.

*What is attractive to a man in a woman at a sporting event – offering to go on a beer run.

*What isnt attractive to a man in a woman at a sporting event – team face paint.

*What is attractive to a man in a woman at a sporting event – team underwear.

*What isnt attractive to a man in a woman at a sporting event – re-enacting the Haka on your own during warm ups.

*What is attractive to a man in a woman at a sporting event – having access to corporate boxes.

It really is a balancing act. Men will find a well educated female sport fan extremely attractive right up until a point. When they start to become too obsessive the attraction starts to decrease and the “one of the lads” phenomenon begins.

Some men feel that going to sporting events with their mates is the last bastion of masculinity and don't want to give it up. These are usually men who have partners that cut the crusts off their sandwiches, iron their underwear, insist that they put the toilet seat down and generally try to emasculate them at every opportunity.

As a female you want to be confident in your knowledge but not brash. Men like to think that sport is their domain, so if you can show a subtle understanding of the finer points then you will generally score points. If you just so happen to land a seat next to a decent looking chap during the game an easy approach would be to inquire about the identity of an obscure player (who's name you ultimately know). Make sure it isn't the team captain, remember, you want to avoid looking clueless, hence asking after a lesser known player. You may also want to do some homework on recent performance so that you can comment as to whether the boys look on form.

In all honesty, it is not at the game that you are going to pull a bloke (if anyone ever has, please shoot the story through to Most men are too dialled in on the outcome to bother with meeting women (unless of course you get your kit off and streak, then you have the full attention of every guy in the joint).

The prime place to meet a guy and bond over a shared love of sport is the pre or post game social engagements. You have the ultimate conversation starter with every bloke in the place and while you are showcasing your appreciation for the game you can also employ your usual feminine tricks of the trade to reel them in. Your chances of picking up a bloke increase exponentially by the magnitude and result of the match, so always make sure you attend the deciding game of a series or a grand final.

Once you have scooped up a rugby loving bloke after the game on Saturday night and whisked him back to your pad for a “debrief”, don't be surprised if he asks you to throw on his old uniform and make like a hooker.