Thursday, August 27, 2009

The First Cut is the Deepest

Dear Chuck,

I need some advice on how to redeem myself - and I'm not entirely sure it's possible. But before I begin my story can I just stress here I am not a drug addict!

I am a hairdresser, and about a year ago, a very hot client walked into my salon. We really clicked that first appointment and he continued to return for many months, we steadily became better friends, and I became a little bit smitten. I resolved that on his next visit I would ask him out.

The perfect opportunity arose when my friend Lo-Ann decided to have a party. I was a bit hesitant to ask him along - because her parties can get a little out of hand, and he struck me as a particularly straight kind of guy - but regardless when I saw him that week I made up my mind.

So I said

"My friend is having a party this weekend and I was wondering if you would like to come along with me?"

To which he replied

"Lo-Ann? That's an unusual name. Is she Ceylonese?"

Now I didn't hear "Ceylonese" - because I didn't really know that Ceylon was what people used to call Sri Lanka.

What I heard was "Is she selling E's?"

So, a little taken aback, but trying to be helpful all the same, I reply:

"I don't think so. But I can get you some if you want."

His face said it all - he laughed and explained what he meant - but I fear the damage was done. He didn't come out with me that weekend, said it didn't sound like his scene.

Thankfully he hasn't cancelled his next appointment - so I will see him again - but I am wondering how I redeem myself from this, as he was so very obviously unimpressed with the idea of drugs, and even more unimpressed at the idea I could get them.

Do I bother attempting to explain myself? Do I try to have a second crack at this and ask him again to something tame - like a picnic? Or do I just go and buy myself a set of encyclopedias and write this one off?


Dear Chantelle,

They say that you only get one chance to make a first impression and boy oh boy didn't you set the world on fire in your opening attempt.

You've taken life by the balls and asked this tasty piece of fluff out. That in itself is a massive effort and you deserve kudos. Unfortunately as Chuck sees it, you've pretty much made yourself out to be a crack whore.

A couple of things to consider:

a) Who the fuck knows that Sri Lanka used to be called Ceylon? That's the sort of information that trivia nights are won and lost on. In fact, just by dropping that on you, this bloke may in fact be showing you he's a total smarmy arsehole. On the other had, perhaps he was trying to impress you with his deep knowledge of useless information. Next time you see him tell him about your last trip to Persia and see if he makes any mention of the place going to the dogs since they changed the name to Iran.

b) Have you ever considered that this guy could be a tee totalling, no sex before marriage, beige coloured, wheat grass drinking, bible bashing happy clapper? Is this guy such a straight edge that it wouldn't work anyway? In Chuck's opinion, it is a big deal to be asked out by a woman, so if he was prepared to blow your offer off just like that, is he actually someone you would want to go out with?

c) a straight shooting woman holding extremely sharp scissors with the brass to offer up a drug connection may have rattled his cage.

Look, he hasnt cancelled his next appointment which means that you either give fantastic follicle care, he likes you or your prices are reasonable. So how the hell do you dig yourself out of this drug induced interest coma?

As usual, let Chuck do the heavy lifting

  • between now and his next appointment, try to eat as little as possible and do not expose yourself to any sunlight whatsoever. Then, 15 minutes before he comes in for his cut, bust out 450 star jumps which should have the effect of making you sweat profusely. So the look that you are giving him as he sits down is emaciated, ghostly white and pasty or better known as withdrawing from drug addiction. He will now see first hand that you are drug free.


  • whilst cutting his hair and making small talk, be sure to drop in some bible passages to demonstrate your purity. For example, try one of Chuck's favourites:

I have always been passionate about cutting hair, I try and make sure that it is always in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love;”

2 Corinthians 6:6


  • Once you have him situated in the chair, hold the scissors up to his jugular and scream at him that you were just misunderstood.


  • Tell him that he is lucky that he got his next appointment as he completely scared you with what you perceived to be his demands for illicit drugs and that your offer to procure said illicit substances was a defence mechanism in order to avoid a drug addled bashing at his hands.


  • Make light of the situation. Tell him how he caught you off guard with his wanky (or on a more politically correct level – left of centre) Ceylonese reference and that you misunderstood him. In all of this confusion and in an effort to impress him, you blurted out that you could help out when in reality you wouldn't know the first thing about buying illegal drugs (some creative license is acceptable in this situation). It is at this point that you bite the bullet and admit that you were interested in seeing him on a non service providing level and see how he reacts. If he still isn't interested, cut his dick off.

In all seriousness, you have to take another crack at this guy. He is attractive, he appreciates your work and he's coming back for seconds. All you have to lose this time is your dignity (again) and $50 a month (or more depending on what suburb your salon is located in).

Once he's left the salon, take the edge off by pulling buckets out of the hair washing sink.

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