Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The dog that barks the loudest gets fed first....

Welcome to part 1 of the Chuck Long Educational Series for Woman. This chapter is one of 650 designed to introduce women to some of the intricacies of the male psyche as well as aiding in familiarising ladies with male behaviour.

Today's topic is one of particular interest to Chuck Long as he sees it played out with great skill and dexterity in almost every bar, club, restaurant and sporting event that he steps foot in.

Lets explore the phenomenon of:

Going Ugly Early

For the purposes of this post, we will refer to 'going ugly early' as GUE.

GUE is a technique passed down from generation to generation and is so common that it should actually have its own place on most watering hole drinks menu. In the age range of 18 – 28 it is standard operating procedure when heading out with the boys for a night on the drink where the ultimate goal is to dip the crank shaft into some of John Laws finest Valvoline. Take for example an end of season sporting trip, the single lads or less scrupulous partnered blokes are all well drilled in the art of GUE while the rest of the taken blokes act as spotters.

Chuck Long knows you're squirming in your ergonomic desk chair right now, desperate to know what this strange practice is. Let Chuck do the honours:

Standard GUE practice involves quickly identifying the lesser attractive ladies in your chosen establishment and immediately engaging in some serious Gary Groundwork. This groundwork takes place when all involved are relatively sober and is absolutely intended to be flirtatious. The gentleman (in the loosest sense of the word) makes the target feel like a million dollars by acting interested and attracted. Those males with less skill in the game department may also include a round of drinks just to demonstrate what a swell guy they in fact are.

Another sure fire piece of foundation laying is hitting the dance floor with the object of GUE desire. A relatively sober male on the dance floor is like pouring a combination of pureed oyster, champagne, horny goatweed and chocolate into a woman.

Anyway, the attention lavishing goes on 30 – 45 minutes before the male operative excuses himself to go to the bar, toilet or simply says he will catch up later.

The plan of attack then switches.

From this point on the male readjusts his radar and zeroes in on any other female that rates on his good looking metre. The male goes back to targeting what he considers to be attractive women. He engages his usual tools – which in this day and age appears to be some combination of the following:

  • banal small talk

  • weak pick up lines

  • the dude that he paid 500 bones to train him in the art of seduction

  • text messages

  • Rohypnol

Another key lady puller that is often overlooked is the attention that has already been lavished on the less fortunate looking ladies. Never underestimate the power of being seen talking and actively listening to a 3 out of 10 on the looks scale.

Imagine conversations like this..

He cant be shallow, look at him talk to that girl over there”

or Chuck Longs favourite

did you see him dancing with that thing”

If by some lucky stroke, he finds a good looking woman interested and somewhat attracted to him, he tries to drill down and close the deal.

Most males will try all night to lock down a glamourpuss that they can stake claim to. However, if last drinks are called or the house lights start to go up, that's where the beauty of GUE kicks in. It is at this point that the suddenly root-less male's instinct kicks in and he pulls his last card in order to get his beans cooked on this night.

He goes back to the original little (or in many cases big) lady that he put some work into early on in the piece. By this stage, the object of new found desire has probably had a couple of shandies herself and has lost track of the time between the original conversation and the “excuse me, I'm just heading to the toilet”. In her mind it was just a second ago when in reality it was 5 hours.

The male re-engages very quickly, falling back on the brick work that he had laid earlier on in the night. The thought process here is that the less attractive lady's loin will tingle at the attention a decent looking bloke is lavishing on her... so much so that the male is able to make like Moses and part her moralistic sea.

The dude may not stick his twix in the best looking thing in the place, but it gets stuck none the less.

Going Ugly Early


  1. Chuck - I can not believe that you are spilling men's darkest secrets...it is like a magician revealing how he does his tricks...but I did find myself nodding along as I read your article...

    But to add a comment to your GUE post, as a single man for many, many years, this technique certainly does work...the lesser attractive ladies are more than appreciative and always put in a stellar effort as they never know when their next opportunity will arise...hence they are certainly more willing to do things in the disabled toilet, alley-way or taxi that the more attractive specimens would not even dream of doing or feel they need to do...but gents, please remember, riding a fat/ugly bird is like riding a scooter...it is fun until your mates find out...

  2. surely if everyone who wants a root gets a root then that is a good outcome, no?