Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Hit the mute button

By Chuck Long

Dear Chuck

I have often been told that I am far too picky/harsh on men. I am told I need to cut them some slack, accept they can get nervous and just be nice. I recently went on a date, and after a distinctly average evening I dismissed him out of hand. Relaying it to friends I was once again told I am too harsh. I'm not so sure, perhaps you can be my judge.

To start, I need to explain that I recently broke my arm. Quite badly. It did not however stop me from heading out to a dress up party where I met Adam, who seemed a pretty chilled kind of guy but also quite a confident fellow given he had chosen to dress up as a bunny. We got on well, and through mutual friends we managed to track each other down via FaceStalk.

So we arranged a date and I turn up with my arm still in a sling. I look nice. He looks like he's been rummaging around the Good Sammies clothing bins.

We begin to chat and it suddenly begins to dawn on me that I am asking all the questions. So I decide I will pause and see what he jumps in with. He gestures at my arm and says "How did you do that again?” I tell him, and the conversation limps along for a bit. I then jump in with questions about his work and why he likes it etc. Surely, I think, this is a good hint to him that he should ask about my work, what I do etc. Nope. The next lull in conversation he thinks for a bit and comes back with: "So does that, like, make it hard to do stuff?”

Well, yes, now that you mention it, having a broken arm does make it hard to do stuff. I try and answer this in a nice and non-sarcastic manner. This was difficult.

So again I start asking about him. I remember my friend telling me he surfs, I start asking about that. I even throw in there that I like the outdoors myself. Surely, he's going to ask something about me now right? No. The next lull he gestures again to my arm and says: "So that must make it difficult to type right? Like, do you type?"

Again I fight my very nature and return a polite response.

The last straw came after another 15 minutes, after I have again carried the conversation along, asking about travel, his family, his background. Finally I am all out and I sit there, waiting to see what gem he's going to come out with...and then he looks again at my arm and asks....

"So, did it, like, hurt?"

DID IT HURT??? Does breaking one's arm hurt???? Seriously!

I didn't know how to reply to that one. I kind of mumbled yes, and in my head was just thinking "Well it wasn't as painful as this god damn date". I left soon after.

My friends, however, on hearing this story seem to think I was judging too soon. They kept pleading his case saying I can be an unnerving woman (which I don't believe for a second...I am midget sized and have a sweet disposition...how could I possibly be unnerving?) and kept saying I should call him and arrange a second meet up. I have since refused but I have started wondering, am I really harsh? Did I judge too quickly? Is it too much to want a guy to be able to hold up one end of the conversation on the first date? Or should I be giving second chances??

Chuck, - what's your verdict???

xx Simone

Dear Simone,

Fuck this; you know what you really need to do?? Trade your godforsaken friends in!

Yeah that’s right, Chuck has just blown a gasket. Let Chuck take a minute to bust out a downward facing dog and try to get some calmness and positive chi back in his life.

Ok, that’s better; the temples have stopped pounding on the side of Chuck’s dome.

Seriously though, what the hell are your friends thinking? Do they know something that you don’t? Are you that hard up for a bloke that they feel the need to roll this corpse out again? Is he such a top shelf single malt that he deserves another shot after one bad performance? Are you the most intimidating woman on earth and completely shattered what little game he may possess and feel that he deserves a chance to regain it? Do they have inside track on the fact that he is hung like a Shetland pony?

The fundamental issue in this situation is this dude’s performance on the date? You said that he came off confident and chilled at the party where you met him which means that he had either ripped off 8 consecutive bong hits or his bunny outfit gave him superpowers. Chuck is really starting to believe that dudes have just lost track of what dating is all about. The goal here is to actually impress the person you are with to the point that they would want to see you again…and of course hopefully give you a blow job.

It’s inconceivable to Chuck that this brother has gone from being somewhat confident at the party to a mute by the time your first date has arrived. Perhaps you should check to see whether or not he was involved in some sort of car crash in between the two events because he sounds like he has sustained some damage to his temporal lobe, rendering his ability to speak useless.

There is no way that this bozo deserves a second crack at you no matter what your friends say. There is being picky and there is being practical. Not only could this guy not muster the ability to talk to you on a date, when he did grunt out a few words, he demonstrated the mental capacity of a child. Why on earth would you lower your standards by giving him a second chance? He didn’t stack up in round one, so why should he get round two.

Luckily for our boy Marcel Marceau, you happened to catch Chuck in a charitable mood tonight so lets scratch for something, anything that might warrant another date:

Was he ridiculously good looking?

Does he have a physique chiselled from granite?

Did your background research indicate a high paying job?

Did your Facebook stalking reveal really good looking friends you could have a crack at?

If he doesn’t check one of the above boxes, well then Chuck’s afraid the time has come to hit the mute button.

There is one huge factor that we haven’t considered. What if our mute, without the advantage of 8 bong pulls, whatever alcohol he consumed and his bunny costume saw you in the cold harsh light of day and decided that he couldn’t be with a cripple? It’s a lot of responsibility having to be a person’s primary care giver. Lets take a look at his communications with you on the date:

"How did you do that again?"

"So does that, like, make it hard to do stuff?”

"So that must make it difficult to type right? Like, do you type?"

"So, did it, like, hurt?"

Hey, maybe this guy isn’t as big of a rock head as we first thought. Look at his line of questioning. He is totally evaluating your lifestyle, the difficulty you now have functioning in a day-to-day setting and of course how much pain you are in and your threshold levels.

Chuck’s guessing that he has come along on this date and decided that at this point in his life, he isn’t ready for the commitment required to bathe and clean you. To be your rock. To be your anchor. To be your shining light. And more importantly the thought of having to wipe your arse has probably put him right off.

1800 – DIAL – A – BILF*…. or NILF*

Dear Madame Boodwah

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! I’m a 25 year old woman who recently moved back to my parents place due to a career opportunity in my home city. Sadly my boyfriend is still overseas and it’s been 2 months since I have seen him so we thought we’d give phone sex a go.

Early one evening I went into my parent’s room and grabbed their portable phone. Later that night I called him while they were asleep. Inbetween a couple of yeah babys and mmmm’s I told him how I was imagining him sliding his big hot throbbing member into my horny wxx pxxxx. As I was telling him where I was touching myself my finger accidently slipped to the intercom button and before I had a chance to fix the problem my boyfriend is gasping ‘YEAH BABY! I WANT TO COME ALL OVER YOUR FACE!!!’

In a panic I hung up the phone. Only to next hear heavy footsteps coming up the hallway. My heart was racing as I heard my dad open the glass liquor cabinet an then turned on the TV. As I write you this email now all blood has run from my face and I’m feeling faint. How do I face them in the morning? What should I do? I’m completely panicked and embarrassed.

Snow White

Dear Snow White

If this were a conversation taking place in the Boodwah household this would have been considered normal – for Nana Boodwah anyway.

See at the age of 16 I accidently discovered Nana Boodwah was a phone sex worker. One Sunday afternoon while Nana Boodwah was cooking up a storm in the kitchen I was going through her collection of Woman’s Day Magazines when I came across a 1800-DIAL-A-NILF Phone Sex Manual with the handwritten inscription ‘This manual belongs to Nana Boodwah’.

As I was started flick through it with eyes wide open Nana Boodwah caught me as she was about to ask me if I wanted some sausages. We kind of looked at each other very surprised both wishing that this moment had never happened. ‘No. Thankyou. It’s okay’ I said sheepishly. Nana B gave a quick response of ‘Okay, darling’ and turned to walk quickly back to the kitchen.

When it came time to sit at the dinner table Nana Boodwah and I couldn’t look at each other. After lunch when everyone else went outside she sat down with me to explain that she had been lonely since Grandpa Boodwah had died and she had to earn some extra money since she couldn’t find where Grandpa B had hid all their cash as he didn’t believe in banks. Unfortunately fortune telling wasn’t generating enough income to support her champagne and cruise ship lifestyle and as you’ve probably realised by now Boodwah’s don’t do things in halves.

So yes phone sex and families are a place you don’t want to go. To say your parents are more than likely mortified is probably an understatement. What options do you have? Well to they’re pretty grim to say the least but let’s explore.

Option 1

I know you haven’t had much sleep but you have to get up early before your parents do and go to work. I am sure they don’t want to deal with this as much as you do.

Option 2

If they confront you about it (well your mother on behalf of your father) agree with her how disgusting it was to hear a phone sex line cross over into your phone call and that it happens all the time when you dial internationally. Trust me, your mother will be looking for any excuse to not believe her daughters a dirty tramp.

Option 3

It’s important not to ruin your Golden Child image so do what you did as a child and blame it on another sibling. Say ‘yes Sibling X told me about it this morning. I was so shocked but don’t worry you don’t have to confront her as I had words with her about it this morning.’

In the meantime I would stick to acting as though it never happened and to keep these explanations in mind if ever confronted. You’re a 25 year old woman you can do what you like but maybe stay away from the phone sex option until your boyfriend comes back but on another note have you ever considered taking this up professionally? Nana B tells me it's quite lucrative. Keep me posted on how you go.

*BILF – Boyfriend I’d like to f*ck

*NILF – Nana I’d like to f*ck

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Lovely Lady Lumps

By Chuck Long


Congratulations on your entertaining blog. I could use some advice on tackling a small problem that is currently vexing me. I like to think of myself as a relatively good looking young chap who has recently recovered from a nasty break-up. Anyway my problem is thus - last night a female friend came over to watch a movie and made a move on me. This usually wouldn't present any problem, however her body shape is closer to watermelon than hourglass. She doesn't order 1 small cheeseburger meal for lunch; she orders 2 large quarter pounder meals. In short, she's fat. And she's a lovely chick, good fun and we've been play flirting for a while. I like to think she'd be a bundle of fun in the sack but sadly the bundle would look more Queen Latifah than Naomi Campbell. So I faked a 'sudden' stomachache, ran for the toilet, and when I plucked up the courage to emerge from my hiding place suggested she depart as I was in no fit state to continue. Now I'm not completely shallow and personality does count for a lot, hell I've shelled a few prawns in my time without a paper bag in sight. However the sheer mountain of mass that constitutes her backside presents some unique logistical challenges for my only just average sized manhood. Do I man up and try to tame the beast? Tell her I'm keen to bone but she needs to spend a couple of months on those diet-shakes first? Pretend it never happened and buy her a gym membership for her birthday? Hit me with your advice. I'm keen on having her but only about 1/3 of her. 


Chubby Chaser

Dear Chubby,

This doesn’t sound like a “small” problem that’s vexing you my friend. What a pickle.

Wouldn’t it just be the ducks nuts if you could say to a woman:

“Look, here are the facts - I think that you are a fantastic person and we get on like a pig in shit. Unfortunately I don’t find you the least bit attractive physically because you are about a 100 bills over your fighting weight.”

Now before all you Reality Bytes readers start mailing steaming turds to the inbox and screaming “you should love a person for who they are!” stop and think about the principals of attraction. It’s tough to get the jackhammer cranking when the hydraulic fluid won’t flow. There are no two ways about it. This post isn’t about a person’s weight; it’s about the laws of attraction people! Love isn’t always blind.

There are a couple of ways you can play this game and fortunately for you, you’ve come to the master of angles, rebound, force and pressure.

Option 1 – Taming the beast

You mentioned your concerns about the logistics of tapping the heavy lady keg with your only just average manhood. Chuck’s research suggests that the best course of action would be the old rear entry manoeuvre but if you plan on going back for seconds, eventually you are going to have to hit it face to face to make it a slightly more personal interaction (either that or indicate rather sheepishly that you have a bad case of gingivitis and your breath prevents it). In this instance, you‘ll need to lift the FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area), use a foot on the dresser for maximal leverage and get right up in there in order to give it every last inch you have.

Chuck sees it from your point of view bro. You’re on the rebound from a nasty break up and your friend here is presenting a vessel for you to loosen a load or several. The likely scenario is that you will pound a few brews, allow the attract-o-metre to rise and drop the hammer on your pal. Now unless you decide to become an alcoholic, you will eventually have to nail it when you are in a sober state and that’s going to be a real test for the capillaries in your penis to get the blood flow going.

Your friend may of course turn out to be the greatest shag of your life which will allow for some repeat business, but eventually you are going to find yourself walking down the street checking out dime pieces (10 out of 10’s) and asking yourself what the fuck you are doing.

Worse yet, you’ll be in the sack with your friend and you’ll have a bad case of the flopsies. You can play that off as a “I’ve been really tired lately” for only so long before she realises that you cannot get the blood running for her. It won’t end well and you’ve torched a friendship.

Option 2 – tell her to shed a hundy and then you’ll bone.

Ok, so she is a little stung but she is into you and starts smashing diet shakes like they are going out of fashion. She gets herself a personal trainer, refuses to touch a glass of wine for fear of additional calories and trades the quarter pounders for celery sticks and unsalted nuts. All of a sudden she’s running 10 miles a day, shedding beef and dropping dress sizes. She’s splurging some of her hard earned on nice haircuts, slinkier sexier clothing and freak nasty underwear that shows off her tight new chassis.

You run into her from time to time and you start to feel that old fashion funny feeling in your loins. You know that in another month you’ll be tagging that package like the Australian postal service.

Then a strange thing happens….

Women are like elephants; they never forget a slight. Your fickle nature at the start of her 6-month fitness journey has stuck in her craw. All of a sudden, this one time fatty is now PRIME TIME. And guess what, you’re now punching out of your weight class. That’s right, your girl has put the hard yards in and blown past you. She realises that she can scoop up any dude- better looking, more cashed up and with a bigger dick than you.

After all this, you’ll just be remembered as the rude prick who blew her off 6 months prior as opposed to the tasty piece of sausage who gave her the kick in the ass that she needed to get in shape. Sucks to be you.

Option 3 – Pretend it never happened

Funnily enough, this is the option that guys tend to excel at. You find yourself in an awkward mess with a woman that you are friends with and instead of trying to work out a solution then and there that may involve relating your feelings or being empathetic to another’s, you take the road most often travelled and say or do nothing.

Yeah, at the time it allows you to avoid any form of confrontation, but it breeds the very real possibility that you’ll be in this spot within the next month and you can only pretend to have a tummy ache so many times before she is on to you big boy.

Your only hope with this option is that your girl takes the cue and realises that you aren’t interested. Unfortunately when someone is interested in someone else, all rational thought goes out the window and she would truly believe that her first move coincidentally occurred at the same time as you started shitting through the eye of a needle.

Option 4 – Tell her you’re gay

That’ll keep her away from you but prove to be extremely awkward when:

a) She sees you with another chick 3 months later

b) She starts trying to set you up with some of her gay co-workers

Option 5 – Plant the seed that you are interested.

Ok, this is the tough one Chubby Chaser, but Chuck senses you have the ticker to pull it off.

You clearly like this lass as a person, but it’s her rig that you have issues with, so you need to lay your sac on the line and tell her this. Tough convo to have and Chuck suggests that you get her onto at least a second glass of red before you roll it out. However, different to Option 2, you commit to help her out.

No matter which way you look at it, it’s a tough discussion to have. Things could go to water real quick if she pulls the old “I’m happy the way I am” line on you. You have to be prepared to cut bait and find another fishing hole if this is the case. When you’re in a relationship with a person, you are often expected to tell a partner if they’re getting a little sloppy around the edges. It’s the honesty that we all sign up for. So why not put your cards on the table right now? No matter what option you choose, you run the risk of blowing up the friendship so why not be truthful?

Now, if you follow this plan, you are going to be nailing some tight poontang in 6 months time, but you need to ask yourself, are you ready to make such a commitment? Chuck’s talking about living and breathing a healthy lifestyle with this woman while at the same time eschewing boning her or anyone else until she hits the goals that she and you have set.

You dig deep and suggest that you will help her on her journey. You will push, encourage and cajole her in her effort to get in better shape. Now, the tough part for you here is that as she starts her journey from caterpillar to beautiful butterfly (cue schmaltzy music) you cannot let the blood rush to your loins and nail it. You need to see it through or her resolve may waver. Her physical fitness yields a prize for both you and her.

The upside to all this effort is:

a) You are able to examine her mental toughness and resolve which is a key determinant for ongoing and long-term commitment to a woman.

b) You can see if you find her sexy when she is sweaty.

c) As she starts to shed the pounds, you can stoke the fire by helping her buy smaller and tighter fitting gym gear.

d) You are spending more time with her in a non-relationship setting, allowing you to determine if she is actually girlfriend material.

e) If she proves not to be girlfriend material, you will be in an environment where you can check out and hit on other fit women

f) If she ends up transforming into the second coming of Angelina Jolie, you have been along for the ride and despite your shortcomings, she is less likely to trade you in for a more impressive model.

If all else fails, catch her on video and send it in to the Biggest Loser. Everyone wins in this scenario and hopefully she comes out on top and ends up 250k richer!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Browning your meat

Dear Chuck,

I am writing to you to express some concerns that I have about my father's new lady friend.

The story is not about me, but of a short stocky Greek man of 58 years - (imagine George Constanza for visual purposes) after being single for around 10 years, he out of the blue advised that he was indeed seeing a new partner. Once told of who it was, I almost spat out my quarter strength, decaf, skinny latte...with an equal.

For the purposes of this story, the man in question is TT, his new partner we shall refer to as Ms X.

TT used to work with Ms X's husband...they were quite close and through the years, they became quite good friends...any way, TT left his employment and so with it the friendship pretty much died...this was until one day that TT received a phone call from Ms X in a hysterical state...he could barely work out what Ms X was saying but they arranged to have coffee to discuss further.

They met over a full fat cappuccino and a chocolate muffin and it came out that Ms X's husband was a closet homosexual and had actually bitten more pillows than Paris Hilton....and that she thought TT was the man dishing up his Greek souvlaki to her husband....after offering to show her then and there that he does not do it "Greek style", he did what any good, straight man would do....he took her to the nearest bar, ploughed her with tequila shots and tried to take advantage of a female in her most vulnerable state.

From this, TT and Ms X began dating and now are in a full blown relationship, he is doing well and as most agree, punching above his weight.

The reason for this letter Chuck is to seek your opinion of my beloved father enjoying this relatively tasty but possibly contaminated enchilada?? You have been right about everything so far...

Please help me...



Dear Magic

Jesus Christ (ironic that Chuck’s invoking the lords name when we’re about to discuss a gay love triangle and the issues involved in requesting an STD examination in the early stages of a relationship).

Magic, thanks for bringing a curly issue to the table today. There are so many factors at play in this tale that Chuck can see why you may need some help in figuring this one out. It’s never easy when you’re dealing with a parent getting back in the love / relationship saddle again and can be even tougher when you start to consider your old boy throwing around his sausage. Most people actually get a little repulsed by the thought of their parents boning, so please, all Reality Bytes readers take a moment to stop, collect your thoughts and imagine your mum and dad pounding.

Ok, now that the tone is set, lets get cracking on this situation.

You mentioned it’s been 10 years since your old man’s last non-paying relationship with a woman so Chuck’s guessing that you are really pleased for him. At the same time, you’re worrying about his health, concerned that he may have picked up an unwitting vessel of disease.

Without the full story Chuck is going to have to make some assumptions here. Lucky for you Chuck is rarely, if ever off the mark. Chuck thinks its fair to state that Ms X’s ex husband didn’t roll out of bed on a Wednesday and decide that he was gay. There is a strong possibility that those late night business meetings were actually opportunities for him to find himself in public toilets. It is also reasonable to believe that it was probably taking place for some time before he actually decided to inform Ms X of his decision. Now lets also take a punt that he was more than likely to have forgone protection from time to time in the spur of the moment as the majority of blokes (hetero or homo) have done. What does that leave us with? In all likelihood he has exposed himself to some form of sexually transmitted illness.

Now continuing with this complex mathematical formula…

It’s possible for Chuck to deduce that since Ms X went off the reservation at her husbands homosexual revelation, that that she did not see it or suspect it. Quite simply, she was obviously on the receiving end of the meat sword once or twice a month, which kept her mind ticking over that her husband loved flange rather than O ring.

Since they were married, it would be fairly tough for the husband to rip out a connie and suggest that they have some protected sex, unless of course he pulled the tried and tested “I want to slow myself down” line. Chuck finds this highly unlikely, especially if they were married for over 10 years where the average length of intercourse including foreplay is 4.5 minutes

So what are we left with? The very real chance that the husband has exposed Ms X to a cornucopia of disease and pestilence.

Now how do you broach this issue with your old man, TT?

The fact of the matter is that the Greek God has more than likely already had Ms X on the rotisserie spit so it could be too late. After a decade of drought, TT is so pleased that he is packing heat again that he bypassed all common sense and dove into her anguished love mound unprotected. He is probably already a Petri dish of skank. Mind you, syphilis doesn’t get really serious until much later in its life so he could still cut that puppy down while he has the chance.

Chuck thinks it’s important to also consider your old man’s ego. Remember, Ms X actually accused him of being her former husbands lover. TT would be so keen to prove that he is hard-core heterosexual that he is rubbing Viagra directly onto his knob in order to have a perma-hard-on. He’d be destroying her poontang at any and every opportunity. They are probably having so much sex that they are giving STD’s to their STD’s.

Magic, you and Chuck both know that your old man has not even thought to ask Ms X to have her oil checked. It’s a contentious issue to raise with your dad because he is going to be smitten and wont want his snotty nosed kid suggesting that his new woman could be broken. So how do you force the issue? Consider:

  • - Every time you visit, leave some condoms in the ashtray
  • - Tell Ms X that she feels like part of the family. Then the next day instigate a new family tradition – giving blood. Say it’s for the greater good of humanity blah blah blah. Then slip the person taking the blood a fiddy and ask them to whizz it through the STD processor and see what comes out.
  • - Inform Ms X that you are haemophiliac and that you would love to have some of her blood on tap just in case you cut yourself opening a can.
  • - Trawl through her dirty laundry evaluating her knickers for puss like discharges
  • - Drop some STD information pamphlets throughout the house
  • - Confide in her that your girlfriend has a nasty case of Chlamydia and that she needs a woman to go along with her to get the test done as she is embarrassed. Then get your GF to suggest it would bring them closer if she had one too.
  • - If she scratches her crotch relentlessly, she probably has crabs.
  • - Tell her you are studying to become a beauty therapist and that the next assessment is on waxing… braziilian style. Your girlfriend is already bald as a badger and you need to practice. Once she drops her strides you need to be on her crotch like a hawk looking for festering open sores or warts.

Any or all of the above either get her under the microscope or provide grounds for you to have a frank discussion with daddy dearest. Its not going to be comfortable but it could save a life..or two. If push comes to shove Magic, send your Pop this way, Chuck will gladly take the wrap if it means your old mans todger doesn’t fall off.

Hangin' Around In A One Horse Town

Madame Boodwah

I’m a 20 something journalist who’s recently moved to a small town in Western Australia. It’s been a few months now and I’m having a real hard time meeting decent blokes. My vibrator has died and I’m stuck here for another 1o months do you have any survival tips?

Polly Carton

Dear Polly,

I feel your pain. Madame Boodwah originates from a small country town herself. It was a great place to grow up in but as you get into your teens and early 20s you get bored of seeing the same people, everyone knowing your business and realizing you can’t go out with anyone because your 2nd cousin fucked him, your friend has already been out with him and your Nan told you he’s your 5th cousin.

In a country town life is predictable - you go to school, play sport, find a boyfriend, finish school, get a job, buy the 4x2, move in, get married, pop out 2.5 children and have a blissful life of changing the Commodore every 3 years. For some, what more could you want? But for myself I needed to know there was more to life.

I left in my early 20’s for a life overseas. It was the happiest day of my life, all my family cried but you couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I was so happy I couldn’t of cared if the plane went down.

However while studying and working I had to grin and bear it for 4 years. Sure I had boyfriends but I knew I would always leave so I was never that serious. In the last 6 months before leaving The Judge and Papa Boodwah asked politely if I could get a boyfriend because I was cramping their style and then continued bringing up stories of how I was conceived on the local race track so I’d stop coming out for dinner with them.

During this time I wasn’t really up for a relationship but at times I did feel the need for companionship and I did have a few coping mechanisms that I’d like to share with you today to get you through the next 10 months:

The Local Footy Club

Now don’t expect them to want to go to a gallery or art house film but these are the kind of guys who work out regularly.

Sure you’ll have to go to his football games and hang out with players girlfriends who are only friends with other players girlfriends but if he’s good in the sack as he is on the field it’s forgiveable…. for 11 months. Do your research first because you can only go with one of them as Town Bikes aren’t cool. Just make sure you take a good book with you and your phone to catch up with friends and family. Also remember to ask what’s happening every quarter incase you’re boyfriend get’s concussed and you don’t notice. Trust me it happens.


Every now and then a good looking stranger will walk into the pub. In most cases a back packer or possibly a doctor who’s on the same deal you are. Now every other girl in that pub would have noticed the new beef cakes in town so make sure you pounce first. Fast. The good thing about the doctor is you’ll have things in common like you’re both new to town and he’ll probably be open to meeting new people as well.

Put out an ad asking for a new male flatmate aged between 25-32. It’s a great way to meet new men and have some buff bloke walking round your house 24/7. This has actually worked for other girlfriends of mine.

BNS Balls

Not the classiest of places to meet a bloke but if you want to know the size of his donga before you go on a date with him they hold competitions where you can!http://www.countrybns.com/photos/showphoto.php/photo/10832

You may have to be open minded as his idea of a good date will be roo shooting or driving 5 hours to go to the OBH every Sunday in his Beaut Ute.

Before you get involved with anyone I would suggest spending the next few months getting to know who’s who in the town as you don’t want to sleep with the guy who has been on the front page of the newspaper for screwing a sheep a couple of years back and then realize why he asked you to Bah. Other things to be mindful of include;

The Office Romance

Don't screw the crew because if it doesn’t work out you still have to see them everyday. If you worked in a bigger office with lots of floors this would be different but because you’re in a small town I’m assuming there’s one floor and a small one at that.

The Middle Aged Bachelor

Who thinks his town is the shit and can't understand why anyone would want to live anywhere else because his town is 'awesome'. Don't be surprised if this guy has built a house without a kitchen because his mum still cooks for him. When you leave this guy will still pine for you as it's rare girls like you come to town so after you leave do expect the odd stalkerish email telling you how 'awesome' his car is, how 'awesome' his pad is and how he's thinking of coming to visit the city you're living in soon. Single men of this age tend to brag about their assets because their physical ones have dropped and this is what he thinks will entice you back - some men will never get it.

Good luck Polly Carton! If these suggestion aren’t for you make frequent trips to the big smoke because no one knows you there and it’s unlikely your 11th cousin has slept with him otherwise get some new batteries for your vibrator or try some jump leads on it.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Part 2 –Mr. Outlook Express Calendar

to recap, this is what Chuck's dealing with:

Madam Boodwah and Chuck,

Why is it that men who turn out to not be that into you express a desire to do things together months down the track. Do they just change their minds then not want to be with you? Or do they think that the only way to have their way with a lass is feign some desire to commit? It's all too confusing.

Doll Face

Dear Doll Face,

Chuck is a little disappointed with you young lady. Surely by now, having been a loyal reader of Reality Bytes, you have figured out that the vast majority of blokes have no idea what they’re doing 10 minutes from now, let along months down the track. Can you please stop and think about every guy you know. How many can you think of that have gone out of their way to plan out stages or events in a relationship? Men are exceptional at plotting financial scams, calculating ways to avenge misdoings and organizing boys trips away. As far as men planning ahead, that’s it.

If, on the off chance that you have chanced into Mr Outlook Express Calendar, Chuck has 4 possible explanations for this behaviour:

Explanation 1

Upon meeting, you came across as so virtuous and pious that he immediately believed his chances of putting his cock in you was nil until marriage or commitment ceremony. As a result, he felt he had to concoct some form of ruse in order to get you thinking long term and thus loosen your poon strings. The forward planning gets you thinking that this guy has you pegged as a long-term option and therefore you feel more comfortable giving up the coochie.

To avoid this in the future you should cease carrying a pocket bible and doing the sign of the cross every time you sneeze.

Explanation 2

He has multiple pieces of schmoo on the go at once. Chuck fears that we’re getting into advanced male behaviour here and the 1000 word limit will not do it any justice. Let Chuck try and keep it concise. If Mr Outlook Express Calendar is juggling a couple of ladies at once like a modern day lothario, he will need an elaborate planning system to keep the various parties as far away from each other as possible (with limited information available to Chuck on this character, it’s difficult to judge his adeptness at being a pimp). A true Hugh Hefner type would carefully structure his week so as to suitably entertain the ladies and provide enough attention to keep them interested but at the same time, provide windows of opportunity for the other members of his harem. By planning out months in advance, he can keep his women on a string and his stress to a minimum.

Should this arise in the future, a sure fire test would be to show up at his house unannounced and see if you can catch him nut deep in something else. The downside to this strategy is that you may come off looking like a crazed stalker or worse yet catch him whacking off on the couch to Australian Idol.

Explanation 3

You were unlike every other Reality Bytes reader and chopped him up very early in your dating history. Not only did you carve him, you did it better than dad carves the turkey at Christmas time. In fact, your lovely lady bits were so top shelf that he felt the need to book in return engagements over the subsequent months. As the sex went on, he stopped to realize that there is more to relationships than just pure physical intimacy and he decided to end things…..RIGHTO!

On the other hand….. another way to look at this scenario is that he hadn’t put one away for such a long time that the sudden plunge into your woman-hood made him giddy and he locked you up for repeat engagements. Everyone knows a guy who hasn’t shot a load into a woman (of the unpaid variety) and the minute he gets the chance he is so in love and ready to marry. It’s the power of pussy and it’s force is STRONG. Quite simply, he went against the best advice of Chuck Long’s father:

“Son, never marry the first woman you fuck”

Explanation 4

The most boring and unfortunately the most likely reason. You have both wandered into a new relationship with excitement and expectations. By the sounds of things, Mr Outlook Express Calendar has become particularly joyous and has leapt into showing his interest by scheduling you in as often as possible. Regrettably men are stupid and don’t realize that by not controlling their excitement, they can often ruin the entire experience (see premature ejaculation). There is an incredibly strong possibility that this guy freaked himself out. A month into things he would stare at his schedule and notice your name locked in all over it. He would then gasp for air, grab his chest and claim that he is being suffocated. Or, even more likely, he has rushed without taking the time to get to know you and made a rash decision on your compatibility based on a series of crammed in dates that did not allow the proper development of a relationship

Either way, the lesson here is that in a relationship, a guy should never be in control of anything more powerful than an automobile. In the early stages commit to nothing and follow the old business adage:

“Decreasing supply increases demand”

Words to live by.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Part 1 – Hymen Breakers

Madam Boodwah and Chuck,

Why is it that men who turn out to not be that into you express a desire to do things together months down the track. Do they just change their minds then not want to be with you? Or do they think that the only way to have their way with a lass is feign some desire to commit? It's all too confusing.

Doll Face

Dear Doll Face

If there’s one thing Madame Boodwah has learnt over her treacherous years of dating, it is to take whatever comes out of “his” mouth in the early stages with a pinch of salt. With some men I think they believe what they are saying in the beginning but then they start freaking themselves out and start wondering if they really do mean this.

Madame Boodwah also advises you to be mindful of the Planting the Seed phenomenon, where some guys will say anything so they can break down the barrier. A few examples of what I like to call Hymen Breakers are below;

1. You know that big white house worth $7 million in Paddington that used to be Talcolm Murnballs, well I’m going to buy that one day.

2. We should sync our work trips together

3. Do want to borrow my car?

4. All my friends are couples or married so I feel a bit left out (he's trying to act as if he's on the same wavelength)

5. You should come play golf with me some time.

6. I’d love to learn how to dive, have you ever considered diving

7. I’m ready for a relationship (no man even if he is will ever confess this to you on the first date)

8. When I make my first million I’ll take you out to a really nice restaurant (after just asking you to go halves in the meal)

9. How many children do you want? I want a big family, preferably 4.

If all of these statements or similar are made on a first date make an impromptu exit because he most certainly doesn't mean it. I’m a big believer that actions speak louder than words - until he actually delivers upon these promises take everything he says very light heartedly because some will say anything to get what they want and keep you where they need to. Good responses include saying nothing or making nonchalant statements like ‘I’ll believe it when I see it’.

Another thing to beware of are the ‘chick’s want me’ statements that start flowing which is a common theme amongst divorced men. Examples include:

1. I was selling my car online and this divorcee wanted to buy it off me except she wanted more. She sent me a text asking for sex. Do you want to see it? (I struggle to find women who want to sleep with me)

2. I’ve dated some glamorous girls in my time. I always had to try and stop my mum from coming over to clean the house as I was worried she’d see a g-string on the floor or something.

3. My secretary once saw me completely naked while I was trying to get changed for a party and she just stood staring at my cock. (This generally means he has a small penis because a guy with a big one has no need to convince you)

4. Women struggle to keep up with me (I'm likely to lay there like a dead star fish while you do all the work)

As shallow as this may sound I think these statements or questions that allude to a future together are not only said to break our hymens but to also test us so they can work out what we really want from them. Men like women want to be loved for who they really are rather than what they have materially. He wants to see if you just want to get a relationship with him for the sake of being in one or because you because you really want to be with him. Sure it's a weird way of going about finding the truth but this is one way they can operate.

A PolyGram would be so much easier!

Madame Boodwah

Over to you Chuck for part 2 tomorrow…