Thursday, September 3, 2009

Swallow these nuts

Dear Chuck,

I have a dilemma.

On Sunday I was heading home after a training session when I decided to stop in at my friend and her sister's house. They are both artists and currently doing paintings/drawings that blew me away with their quality and detail. I was sweaty and smelly but I wanted to hang out for a while so I asked if i could have a shower and borrow some non-gay clothes in exchange for my pleasant company (no men live in the house). I ended up with some jumper from the 80's (actually retro cool) and some stretchy pants that were only just ok.

Anyway, as time passes i realise that I'm quite hungry. I decide to go on my own hunt of the house for food, and like any teenagers living by themselves they have left over Chinese food in the fridge in take-away containers. My eye's light up and immediately ask if its ok to have it.

But the shit hits the fan when after a mouthful i realise that it's starting to burn down the back of my throat. I was positive that I did not taste chilli.

Is this satay?” I asked.

yep, sure is” was the response.

Now, some personal history is needed here- I'm deadly allergic to peanuts and all peanut related products. I was under the belief, considering I'd known these sisters for about 5 years and this issue had probably come up once or twice that they would have said something about peanuts.

I calmly walk out to my car to get my lifesaving epi-pen (adrenaline).

Funnily enough there are two paths to the car, one past a flowery bee infested bush, the other over rocky uneven ground... I chose the path less travelled. Why? I have no idea! My breath is running short and I cant swallow any more because it feels like there's a rock back there, but I don't want to get stung by a bee... priorities.

I get the pen and walk back, but I wait a few minutes in case it gets better, it doesn't.

So now i'm in a panic because breathing is super difficult, only to find I can't get the pant legs up because they're too tight (for those who believe what happened in Pulp Fiction - where a giant needle goes into the heart, its not true. These days it's in the upper thigh) so i pull my pants down. But as a result of having an unplanned shower, and not having spare undies I was free-balling.

Minutes later I'm starting to feel better and I get my pants back on. I'm so exhausted that I sleep on their couch.

I guess my biggest issue is whether or not the sisters saw my wang and boys, and if so what should i do?



Dear Adam,

Well fuck Chuck drunk, you know your priorities in life are a little skewiff when the biggest issue you have is not nearly suffocating to death as a result of an allergic reaction, but a couple of chicks potentially seeing your wiener schnitzel!

There are so many things in this story that need Chuck's attention:

  1. Did the jumper they loan you have WHAM! on it?

  2. Are you sure these chicks weren't taking the piss out of you by making you wear stretch pants?

  3. What sort of hosts make you scout out your own food in their home?

  4. How bad must the Chinese takeaway have been for you not to have recognised the pungent smell of satay?

  5. Your ability to stay calm while choking to death is strangely impressive. You should be a hostage negotiator.

  6. Chuck has been waiting his whole life for the moment he could swing into action and save some heroin junkie / peanut allergy choking person by plunging an adrenaline loaded syringe through their breast plate and directly into their heart. Thanks for killing that dream.

  7. Where the hell were these two chicks while you were dying?

  8. Think about this – what would capture someone's attention more?:

    - watching someone gasp for breath and on the verge of death, trying to plunge a needle into their leg in order to save themself.


    - checking out the same persons dick that was inadvertently on show after having to dramatically yank down their stretch pants in order to stab themselves with a needle.

Ok, first things first, you completely screwed up by not being a real man and parlaying

all that trauma into a threesome. If you were ever going to get a Ménage à trois, it was going to be right after this event. The ladies would have been completely rattled, emotional, happy that you survived and completely vulnerable to your advances. You just self administered a life saving shot and you were lying there half naked. Obviously you have such a small pecker that not even this situation could get you across the line on the gang bang front.

Chuck's kidding.....sort of

Judging by the lack of involvement by the sisters in this whole saga, Chuck is surmising that they may in fact be sociopaths. You're lucky you even got out of there alive my friend. In fact, they may have actually been trying to kill you by not giving you the heads up on the satay.

In Chuck's learned opinion, the girls were probably too rattled by the events of that afternoon to have paid too much attention to any of the other extra curricular sights and scenery that may have been on display.

Now, the real question is - why are you worried?

You either like one of the ladies and are concerned that she may or may not be swayed by the size of your killer python or you are really easily embarrassed.

If you are really easily embarrassed, get over it. You mentioned they are both artists so there is a high probably that they were so stoned that they don't even remember you being in their house, let alone nearly dying. Call them right now, I bet all they talk about is not being able to find their favourite WHAM! Jumper.

If you are attracted to one of the ladies and are worried that your meat hammer size may affect your chances, you can play it a few ways.

  1. For cheap laughs offer to re enact the scene (please make sure you give yourself a male trim – nothing worse than a hairy bush and short changing yourself that extra hidden inch). In this setting, you're getting your junk out in a humorous situation and she may have more time to focus on your big boy which will allow you to gauge her interest

  2. Offer yourself up as a subject for a nude portrait

  3. Randomly ask her to rank the best dicks she has ever seen. You know you're home if you come in at number 1...or 2

Lets be honest, the best way to get around the whole ordeal is to make light of it unless of course you have an inverted penis in which case you had better start working on your personality like a man possessed because you could be in for a life time of misery.

On the bright side of all this you are alive to tell your tale. On an even brighter side, you could have yanked down your borrowed stretch pants in order to give yourself the injection and revealed a dirty rotten skid mark!

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