Sunday, September 13, 2009

Do you spit or swallow?

Ever since Chuck introduced his theory of “Certain Amount of Outlay”, the plaudits have been rolling in. Not only has Chuck been awarded a life membership by Triathlon Australia, he has received an invitation to be keynote speaker at the Australian Yachting Awards. It's amazing what happens when you lay your sac on the line and start making big calls in an effort to help ladies the world over. The world becomes your oyster.

Some people would be flattered by the praise and attention lavished on them, like Chuck has received from peak sporting bodies, Australian industry associations and other organisations that have benefited from Chuck highlighting the quality of their male members. But not Chuck, what Chuck lives for is the myriad emails that the Reality Bytes inbox has been receiving as more and more ladies are taking up Chuck's ideas, hitting the streets (or high seas) and snagging themselves some quality male produce that has alluded them for years.

If you haven't been following along, then you need to jump on the two following links and get yourself up to speed with the theory of “Certain Amount of Outlay” ASAP. You are clearly standing by as the gene pool gets emptied.


As promised on Friday, Chuck has yet another two pieces of gold as well as some cautionary advice on a place to dodge lest you pay for you sins.

Male trapping option 5

Wine appreciation course

Thank Christ” Chuck hears all the non-athletic ladies scream.

Just to clarify, Chuck is referring to a course (generally run over a number of sessions) that requires payment to attend. Chuck knows some of you cheaper broads out there were throwing on your heels and planning to head down to the local bottle-o in the hope they were handing out free samples.

This idea of Chuck's once again ticks a number of boxes in the “Certain Amount of Outlay” theorem. You have a course that spans a number of weeks (time commitment), that costs money (financial commitment), that draws men looking to improve themselves (commitment to betterment) and has a subject matter that requires some grey matter (commitment to intellect). But best of all, if things go pear shaped, you can get blind drunk to dull the pain.

Other selling points to consider

  1. you are tapping into a group of men that may be considered cultured. Wine appreciation can be a complex beast requiring effort and practice.

  2. You can check out the bankrolls of guys there by seeing who has either tasted some of the more expensive drops of plonk or who is intimating that they are off to buy a bottle of 1945 Mouton.

  3. Easy and free flowing conversation about the wines on offer that can easily be parlayed into conversations about you if the blokes are swallowing the wine instead of spitting it out and getting a bit tipsy

  4. Great opportunity to evaluate the fine motor skills of your targets. If they can't spin wine in their glass, then they're likely to be uncoordinated gits with stunted spermatozoa and you could never breed with them.

  5. They have gone along to this course in an effort to better themselves. They are out of their comfort zone and likely conscious of the fact that they know nothing about wine and will be on point trying to avoid looking stupid. The last thing on their mind is scooping up pussy so you should be able to evaluate them in their natural state.

  6. These guys are either successful, on the cusp of being successful or striving to be successful and are there as a means to improve themselves so that they can impress clients, staff or high class call girls with their wine knowledge.

Since Chuck is a man of the people, we should definitely cover off some of the potential pit falls of the wine appreciation course:

  1. After sloshing down red wine all evening, your teeth are going to look like you grew up in a third world country, greatly diminishing your chance to pull.

  2. The chance of meeting a hard body at a wine appreciation course is about 2%. Please mentally prepare yourself for some paunch, double chins and inappropriate body hair.

  3. There will be a high proportion of men wearing turtleneck sweaters and blazers

  4. As the drinks pile up, you will exponentially get better looking making you extremely desirable. Conversely, all course participants will increase in appearance, making that first date outside wine club awkward.

  5. You will invariably run into some toss-pot who tells you that the Cabernet Sauvignon is approachable and reminds him of winters nights in-front of an open fire at his grandparents rural retreat. Chuck fully approves of you kicking him swiftly in the nuts.

  6. If you're the type to swallow rather than spit (what a good girl, you have just rocketed up every guy's list), then there is a chance that you might get a little sloppy and end up sleeping with the 57-year-old course instructor with a greasy beard and bulbous nose.

Option to stay away from

Chuck definitely believes in some form of higher power, but the readers of Reality Bytes are doing themselves no favours if they are heading off to church groups in order to find men.

For starters most religious zealots don't drink, don't put out and don't advocate listening to Metallica and in recent times it would seem that at least 50% prefer young boys over women anyway.

If you are deeply religious and stumbled into Reality Bytes by mistake while searching for information on Winona Ryder, then head along to this address:

Where you can find guys who's bios read:

One that would simply love God and love to worship God with me, stay committed, Communicate with me, be trust worthy, love children, be a dream builder and a doer, be realistic and Positive (Leave the negative and nagging with your former life). Be willing to work on, commit to, grow through and forgive throughout a relationship… least we waist (sic) each other’s time. Blah blah blah

Wouldn't you just want to punch fuck through that guy within the first 10 minutes of meeting him?

Praise be to Chuck.

Follow Chuck and he will lead you in to temptation...

Male trapping option 6

Charity Balls

Despite what you read above, Chuck's no heathen. This whole blog is about helping people goddammit! So let's get all altruistic and send you ladies man shopping someplace that is not only going to serve your purposes but help the greater good at the same time. What better place is there to test the “Certain Amount of Outlay” theory than a charity ball.

These guys have had to throw down some serious cash in the first instance to be there (gainfully employed). They are at an event to raise money for a cause (social conscience), they are likely there with a group of people (social commitment and ability to build relationships) and they own a suit. That's a lot of boxes ticked right there.

The charity ball is a cauldron. You have so many things going on that most women would need a note book to capture all of the key information.

Things to look for and think about:

  • What the dude is bidding on at the auction. You want to be gravitating towards the blokes dropping wads on exotic holidays and expensive art work. This indicates cash-money and taste. You want to avoid the guy driving up the price on portable eski's that look like beer cans and car seat covers. This indicates white trash.

  • Check out the guy's outfit. If he is at a charity ball he should be wearing a tux. You need to start deducting points for every article of clothing that doesn't belong at formal attired balls. These include coloured ties, brown shoes and white socks. Your future husband knows how to wear a tuxedo

  • Typically young bucks do not congregate at charity balls unless their employer has footed the bill on tickets in which case they aren't there to raise money for a good cause, they are there to sink free piss.

  • Conversely older eligible bachelors are likely to have gone around the marriage merry-go-round once before so you will be operating in the recycled meat market.

  • Outstanding forum to evaluate dance moves and co-ordination. Once again, the young bucks are likely to be lagered up and slam-dancing whereas the older gentleman will know how to sashay around the dance floor. Don't get all warm and fuzzy in your loins because you see Al Pacino gliding across the parquet. How often do you think that you will ever go out ballroom dancing once you hook up with this guy? Use the dancing to determine whether the bloke is fit and not made of china.

Finally the charity ball is one giant lubricator. Not only do you have a mass of people all imbibing, but you also have a conversation starter with everyone there, “what brings you here?”. If you cant get a conversation started with some eligible hunbk of spunk then you are socially retarded.

One last thing that you cannot forget – just because it is a charity ball does not mean that you give up your poonyanny for free!

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