Tuesday, September 15, 2009

One Pump and Dump

Darling Madame B,

I am writing to you on behalf of a dear friend. Sara is a successful, sophisticated woman and lawyer by trade. The thing is, she is a bad bloke magnet and her standards just keep dropping! Her latest dating saga has left us all stunned yet she keeps going back for more (...or less, I'll explain). She is 34, he 25. Her salary is well and truly six figures, his about a quarter of that. He even makes her pay the pizza boy when they're having a night in...at her more comfortable digs. Now here's the kicker. He's a "one pump Joe" if you get my drift. So not only is she a cougar dating a guy earning peanuts, she doesn't even get to "enjoy" his company! Is it just me or should I gently suggest she upgrades?


Hello Heidi

I understand your pain. We’ve all seen it… girl friends who repeatedly attract bad blokes. We’ve all sat there ready to slit our wrists as we’ve listened to a cousin or friends knob jockey of a boyfriend dribble complete and utter shit. She’s beautiful and smart so we just don’t get it.

Being direct is probably not the best way to go about it but in order to suggest a gentle upgrade ask her where she see’s her life 10 years from now sex, work, family and social life. Then go on to ask how she sees One Pump in the picture and hopefully the penny will drop.

It’s quite common in this stone age for women to earn more money than men. Madame Boodwah has even dated men who’ve earnt less than her but what kept her there were their thoughtful gestures even if they didn’t break the piggy bank. Maybe this is an over generalisation but I find that men with less endowed bank accounts are generally good at the small things and sometimes more generous with their time and money than their more financially endowed brothers. However One Pump making her pay for the pizza is taking it to another level. My only reasoning for your friend sticking with One Pump would be;

  • She finds comfort knowing there is no future. She completely knows where she stands in the relationship and he can’t hurt her. She can’t find anyone else so he might as well do.
  • Is she getting great sex from somewhere else? ie. A married man perhaps? But because he’s spending the weekends with the kids and wife she needs some company on the weekend so the fact One Pump can only manage One Pump doesn’t matter.
  • Maybe she’s the woman who likes to be in control and has a lack of faith in there being any good men out there which is probably re-emphasised every day she goes to work with a bunch of egocentric dickheads who she knows are seeing their mistresses on their lunch breaks and fucking anything that moves.
  • Low Self Esteem hence thinking she can't do any better and is desperate for someone to fill the void. I imagine she works long hours as well which can make it difficult to meet someone new. If she also has the view that the right guy for her doesn’t exist she’ll go for anything…. like One Pump. Although One Pump maybe filling the void he is stopping her from potentially meeting the right guy.

Being concerned for you friend, last night Madame Boodwah felt she had to dig a little deeper so she borrowed Nana Boodwah’s crystal ball and saw what future (or lack of) would happen it she chooses to stick with One Pump over the next 10 years;

  • 10 f*cked washing machines, 1 for each year due to blown up motors from 10 years of pent up orgasms. Pushing her crotch up against the vibrating machine will become the highlight of her day.
  • No friends because all her friends think that she has sold herself short and dislike her man so much that they don’t even bother hanging out with her anymore. Madame Boodwah’s mother ‘The Judge’ always told her to marry someone everyone likes otherwise no one will invite you anywhere.
  • A frickin’ nice wedding ring. Yeah the one she bought. Kind of kills the romance doesn’t it but don’t worry the day will be cheap because no one will want to come.
  • Shit head children. Because stupid people breed stupid kids. Any teacher will tell you if you have a shit head kid in your class you only have to look at the parents. Doesn’t she understand that not only is there a Global Financial Crisis (GFC) going on but a Global Stupid People Breeding Crisis as well? http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A3164186
  • The drop kick father will stay at home to ‘look after’ the kids increasing their stupidity by feeding them a steady diet of fizzy drinks and processed food. In the long term her kids will resent her as she’s always at work and she will have no relationship with them. At times don’t be surprised if she comes home to find the children starving as One Pump went and spent the house keeping on drugs, booze and gambling.
  • Obesity. She'll be too tired to cook herself anything nutritious and lets face it her husband won't so letting herself go will be the natural course.
To keep your friend on the straight and narrow I suggest forwarding her our blog and hopefully she'll work out that she needs to dump One Pump. However the decision needs to come from her because if you tell her she needs to break up with him it could backfire in terrible ways. In the meantime you could also tell her what she is to you and how much of a great person she really is to help build herself esteem.

As for the premature ejaculation Chuck suggests that she pushes on his chad really firmly as he comes close to the vinegar stroke. Not only will it slow him down, it will also put her firmly in charge of proceedings which is what she clearly needs to do with her love life.

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