Thursday, September 17, 2009

Ain't nothin' but a G, baaaaabay!

It wasn't too long ago that Chuck was engaged in a heated debate with a young lady over the issue of G-strings in the gym. The young lady was arguing vehemently that when she works out she has no real interest in how she looks because her primary focus is on getting in shape and she therefore eschewed the use of g strings because she found them to be uncomfortable and unnecessary.

After Chuck finished wiping up the red wine that had shot out of his nostrils, it was time for Chucks point of view - that G-strings should be worn at all times while working out. Now its not like Chuck to just throw out a statement and not back it up, so let Chuck provide you with several compelling reasons why you should never step foot into a gym again without wearing a G-string under your gym gear.

Chuck's unofficial straw pole has the women population of the earth divided on the comfort of the G-string, but let Chuck ask you this – if you were going out for a night on the town with your best girls, are you reaching for your sexiest dental floss G banger or the full brief underoos?


A night out with your girls warrants strapping on your uncomfortable daks because you want to look good when you are out and about. From another perspective, think about heading to the beach. Not too many single ladies are cutting about the beach in a one piece bathing suit nowadays are they? The junk exposing two piece swim suit is now the outfit of choice the world over because it's all about showcasing your assets. How does that relate to getting your sweat on at the gym Chuck hears you ask? Well next to the beach, name another place where a woman can wear skimpy figure revealing outfits? And no, the wet t-shirt contest at your local pub does not count as a viable option. Just about every woman at any gym in this day and age works out in what can only be described as skin tight body stockings that reveal almost everything.

Hence the need for the G-Banger.

Ask any guy and he will tell you that the sight of a g-string under an outfit is incredibly appealing*. Trust Chuck on this one.

*Please note, the sight of a G piece hanging off your shoulder blades (clearly visible above the pants) will give off the impression that you are a dirty gutter snipe and should be avoided at all costs.

The vast majority of blokes in the place will check out the rigs on offer. It may be a cursory glance, a long hard evaluation or even a full visual undressing. Whatever the style of viewing, it is imperative to put your best foot (or arse in this case) forward. If you've gone to the effort of pouring your derriere into a pair of running or gym tights, don't spoil the effect by sporting Visible Panty Line (VPL).

Right off the bat, let Chuck begin by pointing out that the gym is a hotbed for scouting eligible bachelors and bachelorettes. Please note, Chuck did not say “pick up eligible bachelors and bacherlorettes” because the local health club is one of the last places you want to go to pull. A room full of sweaty people who are either hoping not to be noticed (see those who work out in tracksuits) or are desperate to stand out and spend the entire session preening around the place with their chest puffed out hoping that someone notices them busting out 6 chin ups does not provide the finest opportunity to meet and talk to Mr Right.

However, what the gym does provide is an opportunity to make some assessments on people so that if you ever bump into the socially (on purpose or accidentally), you have a good idea of what's on offer. You can obviously get a good scouting report on their physical package as well as evaluating their co-ordination and athleticism (key points when considering reproducing – remember, the strongest survive). But there's so much more to find if you look for finer, more subtle traits:

  • how much does the guy sweat

  • how motivated is he (how often does he show up)

  • how disciplined is he (does he stick with his workout or cut them short)

  • does he workout with a partner (socially adept or gay)

  • does he have unfortunate body hair

  • does he stink

  • what's his fashion sense like

  • what does he show up to the gym in – business suit / casual/ priest collar

  • if you were caught in a burning house, is he strong enough to carry you out

  • could you live with the giant fuck-off tattoo that snakes all the way down his arm

(its amazing the work you can do from a treadmill or stationary bike)

And if you don't think guys are assessing you like this then you need to wake up to yourself.

Don't worry about the musclebound rock apes grunting in the corner. The one saving grace that you have is that the hardcore dudes in the place will be so busy trying to lift heavy weights and cheering each other on that they wont have much interest in checking out your package. Besides, once a guy is over 125kgs and can lift 3 times his own body weight, he no longer becomes boyfriend material unless you enjoy being with someone who flexes at every opportunity in front of a reflective surface and has to eat 10 times per day in order to consume the 10,000 calories necessary to maintain his weight.

The vast majority of men in a gym can appreciate the time and effort you are putting in to maintain your physique and appearance so do not sell yourself short by showing off a hungry bum (when your knickers end up wedged up your butt crack) or suggesting that you share an underwear drawer with your grandmother.

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