Thursday, September 24, 2009

Hangin' Around In A One Horse Town

Madame Boodwah

I’m a 20 something journalist who’s recently moved to a small town in Western Australia. It’s been a few months now and I’m having a real hard time meeting decent blokes. My vibrator has died and I’m stuck here for another 1o months do you have any survival tips?

Polly Carton

Dear Polly,

I feel your pain. Madame Boodwah originates from a small country town herself. It was a great place to grow up in but as you get into your teens and early 20s you get bored of seeing the same people, everyone knowing your business and realizing you can’t go out with anyone because your 2nd cousin fucked him, your friend has already been out with him and your Nan told you he’s your 5th cousin.

In a country town life is predictable - you go to school, play sport, find a boyfriend, finish school, get a job, buy the 4x2, move in, get married, pop out 2.5 children and have a blissful life of changing the Commodore every 3 years. For some, what more could you want? But for myself I needed to know there was more to life.

I left in my early 20’s for a life overseas. It was the happiest day of my life, all my family cried but you couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I was so happy I couldn’t of cared if the plane went down.

However while studying and working I had to grin and bear it for 4 years. Sure I had boyfriends but I knew I would always leave so I was never that serious. In the last 6 months before leaving The Judge and Papa Boodwah asked politely if I could get a boyfriend because I was cramping their style and then continued bringing up stories of how I was conceived on the local race track so I’d stop coming out for dinner with them.

During this time I wasn’t really up for a relationship but at times I did feel the need for companionship and I did have a few coping mechanisms that I’d like to share with you today to get you through the next 10 months:

The Local Footy Club

Now don’t expect them to want to go to a gallery or art house film but these are the kind of guys who work out regularly.

Sure you’ll have to go to his football games and hang out with players girlfriends who are only friends with other players girlfriends but if he’s good in the sack as he is on the field it’s forgiveable…. for 11 months. Do your research first because you can only go with one of them as Town Bikes aren’t cool. Just make sure you take a good book with you and your phone to catch up with friends and family. Also remember to ask what’s happening every quarter incase you’re boyfriend get’s concussed and you don’t notice. Trust me it happens.


Every now and then a good looking stranger will walk into the pub. In most cases a back packer or possibly a doctor who’s on the same deal you are. Now every other girl in that pub would have noticed the new beef cakes in town so make sure you pounce first. Fast. The good thing about the doctor is you’ll have things in common like you’re both new to town and he’ll probably be open to meeting new people as well.

Put out an ad asking for a new male flatmate aged between 25-32. It’s a great way to meet new men and have some buff bloke walking round your house 24/7. This has actually worked for other girlfriends of mine.

BNS Balls

Not the classiest of places to meet a bloke but if you want to know the size of his donga before you go on a date with him they hold competitions where you can!

You may have to be open minded as his idea of a good date will be roo shooting or driving 5 hours to go to the OBH every Sunday in his Beaut Ute.

Before you get involved with anyone I would suggest spending the next few months getting to know who’s who in the town as you don’t want to sleep with the guy who has been on the front page of the newspaper for screwing a sheep a couple of years back and then realize why he asked you to Bah. Other things to be mindful of include;

The Office Romance

Don't screw the crew because if it doesn’t work out you still have to see them everyday. If you worked in a bigger office with lots of floors this would be different but because you’re in a small town I’m assuming there’s one floor and a small one at that.

The Middle Aged Bachelor

Who thinks his town is the shit and can't understand why anyone would want to live anywhere else because his town is 'awesome'. Don't be surprised if this guy has built a house without a kitchen because his mum still cooks for him. When you leave this guy will still pine for you as it's rare girls like you come to town so after you leave do expect the odd stalkerish email telling you how 'awesome' his car is, how 'awesome' his pad is and how he's thinking of coming to visit the city you're living in soon. Single men of this age tend to brag about their assets because their physical ones have dropped and this is what he thinks will entice you back - some men will never get it.

Good luck Polly Carton! If these suggestion aren’t for you make frequent trips to the big smoke because no one knows you there and it’s unlikely your 11th cousin has slept with him otherwise get some new batteries for your vibrator or try some jump leads on it.

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