Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Daddy's Little Girl


I’m 20 and dating a girl of the same age who I go to uni with. We both live with our parents but quite some distance apart so spending time together usually means hanging at one of our houses. Her dad is really protective which makes things difficult but even worse he is totally intimidating (he is massive, smart and doesn’t have a sense of humour). How am I supposed to tackle this?



You’re talking to a freshly minted father of a little girl, so Chuck’s best advice to you is to stay the fuck away from the poor bloke’s daughter! Stick to beating off into a sock!

Ok, so Chuck realises that that’s probably not what you wanted to hear in this situation, but put yourself in this guy’s shoes. He was once just like you, itching to stick his dick in any available hole. In fact he probably got up to way more devious shit than you and his girl ever will (considering he grew up in the 60’s or 70’s and they got up to mischief back in the day). The fact that he was once a sexual deviant only makes his paranoia worse now, since he’d be so out of touch with reality that he thinks all the kids would be doing the shit he once did - when in reality all kids do these days is make explicit home videos and post them on public forums*.

*Actually, he’s probably such a sexual misfit that he’s seen these vids online and is scared to death of stumbling across his little lady!

In all seriousness, within 3 minutes of learning that Mrs Long had pumped out a daughter, Chuck was already forming plans to move to remote locations in order to limit the contact daughter Long will have with greasy little walking erections who want nothing more than to violate young women. Another upside to moving to a remote location is the willingness of country folk to accept cults in to their community which is definitely what Chuck would form if he ever went bush – buts that’s a whole other post.

Back to being serious again. Chuck always wondered why dads got over-protective with their daughters right up until he was in possession of one. Then it became plainly obvious. Chuck would like to think he wouldn’t be difficult to prospective boyfriends but there would have to be some upside to being moderately intimidating, wouldn’t there? In fact, on a recent business trip Chuck hit the gym with a coworker who openly stated that he wanted to stay in shape “just in case” his daughter brought home an undesirable that may be scared off by a dad who appears to be able to handle himself (it’s important to note that this coworkers child is yet to turn 2). The scary thing is, Chuck started to lift harder then and there!

Every father has been in the position that you’re in Bob. At some stage in their life they have taken a shine to some pretty little thing and done everything in their power to put a length into it. It’s this past behaviour that drives the present. It doesn’t matter how gentlemanly you are about boning his daughter; the simple fact is you’re deflowering his baby girl. As much as Chuck applauds any dude in his efforts to get pussy, Chuck is fairly sure that initially he would be somewhat of a wanker in order to hopefully delay the inevitable.

So how the hell do you deal with it?

A couple of things you should not do: 
  • Don’t have your hand up his daughter’s skirt when he walks into the living room and catches you on the couch.
  • As you leave his house, do not do burn outs in his drive way.
  • Don’t get wasted at any family events you’re invited to.
  • Limit physical displays of affection in his presence.
  • Don’t mention that you were too stoned to go to class.
  • Don’t show off the sweet new tattoo you just got. 

A couple of things you can do to help the situation: 
  • Try to bring a bottle of wine over if you’re ever invited to dinner.
  • No matter what a scumbag you are in real life, try to present the image of a fine upstanding citizen in his presence – that includes looking presentable and making an effort to make conversation.
  • Speaking of which, while you’re still trying to win him over, try to do some homework on his hobbies, interests and career (no matter how boring) so that you can hold court with him and appear intelligent.
  • Find secluded cul de sacs and get down to business in the back of the car. 

It’s important that you are respectful but also not intimidated. Just like dogs smell fear, so do dads. Despite his size, intellect and lack of humour, the chance that he is going to beat you mentally or physically is minimal. In addition to this, you have the advantage in that you are porking his girl. Keep this in the back of your mind when he intimidates you – you’re winning after all!

In Chuck’s expert opinion, most dads just want a sense that a guy is going to do the right thing by their daughter. Unfortunately you’re 20 years old so the likelihood that you’re going to chop up his girl and break her heart are about as high as the likelihood that she’ll cheat on you with half of the local football club.

You need to make an effort to demonstrate to him that you are a decent bloke but at the end of the day, some dads are just flat out dicks and you can never win them over. Chuck is sure that he will rationalize the inevitable truth that his little girl will some day get down to business. Many men are unable to do so. In that instance there isn’t much you can do to make the situation better other than to sneak around behind his back, and pray like hell that you don’t knock her up since that will just vindicate his original concern. 

The one advantage to him not loosening up is that when your girlfriend does inevitably cheat on you with the footy team, you can take a parting shot at the old man by suggesting that at least you were good enough to only put one dick in her at a time!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Just like NASCAR

Folks, Chuck apologises for the sporadic nature of the posts in recent weeks, who would have thought having a newborn baby would put such a crimp in ones artistic endeavours! Although Mrs Long assumes the vast majority of the work (breast feeding which seems to be a never ending cycle) Chuck is forever consumed with chores such as nappy changing, settling or hanging out copious amounts of laundry. It actually feels like Chuck and Mrs Long are part of the babies pit crew. The baby is a rock star NASCAR driver (minus the redneck background) who appears after 30 or so laps (a nap), pulls into the pits and demands a full service (feeding, changing, attention) which requires Chuck and Mrs Long to scramble as quickly as possible to complete and then zooms off for another 30 or so laps (another nap). Instead of taking a well deserved break during the 30 laps, the crew is forced to make preparations for the next stop for fear of being unprepared and facing the wrath of the pampered star. On top of all this, the driver is totally unpredictable meaning that a pit stop can occur at even the most irrational time (after 2 laps) or for the most unexplained reason.

The upside is that each and every time, the baby leaves the pit stop; it’s in tip top working order and looking like a brand new machine. The downside is that no matter how good the driver looks, they always smell like vomit!

Fuck that was a good analogy.

Onto today’s question:

Dear Chuck,

Much like you and your wife, my husband and I recently had our first child. The labour was the worst thing I have ever been through. I was in labour for 15 hours and the pain was horrible. We had a beautiful baby boy so it was worth it. Anyway, a couple of days later, my husband actually said to me “you were really mean to me during the birth”. Does he have any grounds for complaint in this situation?

Many thanks in anticipation

Dee Dee

Dear Dee Dee,

It’s a brave man who dares raise any pain, discomfort or emotional hurt they experience during the birthing process. Chuck vividly recalls seeing how much discomfort Mrs Long was in during contractions. They were probably at their zenith as Mrs Long’s waters broke in the ensuite of the family bathroom. At this point Chuck had to take charge and get Mrs Long dressed and to the car in a hurry. It was during this period that Chuck had to hang two fully loaded bags off his outstretched arms while propping Mrs Long up and shuffling to the car. This took what seemed like 2 hours (more accurately it was perhaps 10 minutes). Do readers realise how painful it is to have your arms outstretched for any period of time? Couple that with weights hanging off them and you have some SERIOUS burn going on in the shoulder and back region. Did Chuck even contemplate stopping or worse yet telling Mrs Long that his arms were getting sore? FUCK NO!

Look, it’s a tough situation for a bloke because although you can see your partner in considerable pain, you have no way of actually knowing just how bad it is. Having said that, most blokes have the common sense to check their ego’s or bodies at the door and keep their shit to themselves. Dee Dee, your husband appears to have misplaced his common sense.

Perhaps Chuck was a tad spoiled. Mrs Long grunted and strained throughout the ordeal but actually seemed to appreciate Chuck’s presence and assistance. It probably helped that her labour lasted about 5 hours. Who knows what sort of beast she would have morphed into after 12 hours of constant searing pain. On the other hand, perhaps Chuck just played the role of husband extremely well (highly likely).

It dawned on Chuck very early in the piece that the entire process had nothing to do with him. This was a big shift for Chuck who was used to almost undivided attention. While not being able to physically experience or understand the pain Mrs Long was going through (thank Christ), Chuck did have the where-with-all to prepare himself for any output Mrs Long may have in terms of negativity or abuse. She was under absolute duress and in those circumstances almost anything is fair game.

Dee Dee, it would appear that your dear husband did not make those mental preparations and as a result haso9 acted adversely to the event. The only way this is acceptable is if you married a man with documented deficiencies in his mental capacity. In this instance, you knew the hand you were dealt and you have to accept it. If he has no identified mental problems, then the issues are all his and you are well within your rights to be royally jacked off at him.

It’s an odd bloke who can watch a baby being squeezed out of your va jay jay and not rationalise that the level of pain you’re in may cause your mouth to act independently of your mind. He had no grounds for complaint in this situation (unless you called him fat – that insult crumbles most men and often irreparably damages their ego).

Chuck can’t really offer any advice on how to fix this situation other than to tie him to the bed under the guise of a little post childbirth coital fun. Once he is securely fastened, smash his left testicle as firmly as possible with a ball peen hammer. If he screams that you’re a FUCKING BITCH then you can say that the ledger has been squared. You’re problem is if he cops it sweetly and says nothing, or worse yet.......enjoys it!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Time keeps on ticking,…..into the future.

Dear Chuck,

All this talk of babies and engagement rings has got me thinking about my personal situation. I’ve just nudged closer to 40 than 30 and while I have a great career, lifestyle and friends, I’m pretty confident that I’d ultimately like to marry and have a family. I have a wonderful partner and we’ve never really talked about these thoughts I’m now having, but I get the distinct impression that he may not share these desires.

Any ideas on how I should tackle this situation?


Dear Randee,

Chuck seriously considered emailing you Mrs Long’s mobile telephone number so you could call her and ask her how her life is going right now with a newborn child and about 6 weeks out from a highly successful career. That conversation would likely be enough to quell any desires you may have to settle down and have kids. Probably the only saving grace for Mrs Long is the fact that she’s married to Chuck (ok, at the moment that’s not really a saving grace).

In all seriousness though, we’re in a society where ladies are having children later and later and working on their careers as an absolute priority. The upside to this is that you tend to see less kids drinking Coke out of a baby bottle (as a result of older and wiser mothers) and more women in higher-ranking positions in the workforce. The down side is that from time to time you’ll find a lady with a flicker of fear in her eye that perhaps her ship has sailed when it comes to forming her own nuclear family.

Don’t get Chuck wrong, blokes have these fears too although the advantage men have is that they can still fire a fertile bullet well into their 70’s (assuming they can get the barrel of the gun to work). Chuck regularly has anxiety dreams where he is left alone and without a child. In those few seconds after Chuck awakes and attempts to get his bearings, there is a definite worry that life would be terrible being solo. These concerns are quickly allayed by thoughts of all the suits and shirts that Chuck could blow his money on without the burden of supporting a family.

That last sentence was a joke by the way.

Marriage, family and children aren’t for everyone and there isn’t anything wrong with that, but when the urge strikes it can be particularly powerful and if you’re on the downward slope to 40, there is a definite acknowledgement that your chances may be thinning out and that you need to get your act on.

Obviously the biggest problem is that you’ve never really broached the subject with your partner. Chuck would strongly suggest that you get on that post haste. The approach that Chuck would least recommend is having a romantic dinner, getting boozy and then starting to talk about marriage and families. Your man will ignore the marriage part; focus on the kids and immediately see this as his angle to have sex with you.

You need to have this conversation in a serious and sobering setting so that A) you have his full attention, B) he knows you’re serious; C) he doesn’t get the impression that he has a chance for sex. You mentioned that you don’t think he shares your desires, but if you don’t have a frank conversation about it then you’ll never know. He may be in fact desperate to marry and impregnate you but thinks you’re a content cougar who isn’t interested.

If your partner is only a young tacker, you may have a problem in that he isn’t as ready as you are to travel down this route. You can’t blame the bloke in this instance and you don’t want to coerce him into anything he isn’t mentally ready for. This is a tough one because while you wait for him to mature like a good wine, your window of opportunity may be closing.

So the serious conversation is the way to get the ball rolling. Lay your cards on the table. Chuck wouldn’t suggest ultimatums – marry me now and knock me up will rattle even the most mature bloke. But you definitely need to state your case and reiterate that these are things you want to do with him. It’s important that you don’t expect a response then and there though. This is pretty serious stuff and if you’ve never discussed it before it may be a bit of a knock to his jaw. Let him absorb your information and give him some time to think about it (if you don’t see him for the next 6 weeks, Chucks prepared to suggest that he didn’t take it the way you might have hoped).

Most normal guys will process this information and let you know where they stand. Obviously your hope is that he agrees and you’re off and running. But what happens if he says that that’s not where he wants to go?

You’re fucked!

Well your plans to have a family and kids with this dude are fucked, Chuck’s afraid to say. This is the tough part. At that point you need to determine if you are prepared to stick with this guy as a couple with no children or cut the cord and go hunting for another option. The problem with staying with him as a childless couple is that you may harbour some resentment towards him, which may chip away at the relationship. Another MAJOR problem is that some childless couples end up a bit weird – doing things like dressing their pets. Are you prepared to risk that?

The other fear people have in this situation is finding another person. You’re heading towards forty and you have these desires, can you find the right person and in time? In reality, yes you probably can but it’s a daunting thought cutting someone loose and looking for fresh meat.

Look, in all likelihood you’ll have the conversation with your man and he’ll be keen to oblige (unless he has been previously married 3 times and has 4 kids scattered around the traps – although if this is the case then you probably should have seen it coming). If all else fails, stop taking the pill and trick him into it!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

They’re Still Out There!

Dear Chuck

Congratulations on the new bub, it was interesting to hear a man's perspective on childbirth.

A few nights a go I went on a date with a guy I met at last weeks City to Surf Fun Run. We got talking, had a dance, he bought me a drink and asked for my number.

Wednesday he calls me and Friday we met up for a drink then dinner.

I was running 10 minutes late so I texted to inform him. He sends one back saying 'No worries. I'll be the guy drinking by myself.' I didn't respond because I thought it was a little manipulative.

When I arrive I apologized then he suggests that he looks after my bag while I go get myself a drink. Another wrong answer buzzer goes off in my head and I grit my teeth.

We have a few drinks, the conversation was okay and he finally gets up to get me a drink then he suggests dinner. So we go to a place and he heads out to get a nice wine. However during dinner he leans over to scruff my hair and slap me (softly) on the face like I'm kid. I berate him for this, telling him it was patronizing and that I wasn't a child.
Then he starts calling me Kiddo! Arrrrrggggghhhhh! Anyway he did pay dinner.

Afterwards we head to another bar, I pay for the drinks as he got dinner and the wine then he takes me to the main strip to get me a cab. I thought this was good of him until he points out a restaurant he went to with another girl. One that was better than the one he took me to.

The next night he sends me a text saying 'I apologise for pretty much everything that happened last night. I'm a bad apple.' Chuck, what am I suppose to say to this!?! Can you see how infuriating he is?

Your advice appreciated,
Not a Kiddo

P.S. He also told me he was surly and obnoxious and that he pre-voted for Tony Abbott.

Dear NaK

Chuck’s getting soft. The last few months have been a bit of a blur and Chuck admits that his edge may have been blunted writing about all things birthing process. A couple of posts about engagement rings and cock blocking and Chuck thought he was right back into the swing of things. Then NaK’s email drops in and it was like a punch to the jaw. Yes, people are still grappling with dating and relationship nightmares out there in the real world.  Yes, guys are still screwing up teh most basic principles of dating. It’s not all about contraction pain and breast milk dripping into your face when you’re trying to smooch your wife.

Chuck actually had to get up and take a walk around the blog in order to process the email. Chuck needed to know that he still had his mojo!

Fortunately for the loyal readers, the answer came back positive. Chuck still has it! Let Chuck break down the proceedings and offer commentary:

All right, to get us started, the ONLY acceptable reason to be late to anything is if you are a bride on her wedding day. That’s it. And even then it’s fucking bullshit giving the groom that much anxiety. If you are late any other time you’re rude and you need to accept any criticism that comes your way. Yes, your blokes “I’ll be the guy drinking at the bar on his own” line is rudimentary but it’s a fair call. You have left him standing like a spare dick in a bar so you do deserve a gentle ribbing.

Sending you off to get your own drink is bullshit, although if you were on time, it seems like he’d probably foot the bill. The proper thing to do would be to let you settle, then ask what you’d like and go and get it for you. You did mention that he eventually went and go t you one so he can’t be a total douche bag.

And its at this point that Chuck runs out of things to defend the male species on and lets him have it.

Seriously, who does the hair tussling thing on a first date? And a slap on the face to go with it? Fuck Chuck drunk, there are a number of women out there who would have dumped their entre on his lap in a heart beat if a dude pulled that stunt on them. You let this guy off light. Unless you’re giving off some canine vibe that suggests you respond well to be patting and have an inherent desire to chase tennis balls then this bloke has completely misread the play or has no fucking idea how to act around a woman.

Chuck is still dumb founded by the hair scruffing move. That’s bizarre behaviour when you don’t know a woman well. Some women are hair people (those who actively enjoy their hair being handled) and others are non-hair people (those who’ll break your arm if you touch it, especially if they’ve spent time getting ready to go out). No matter what sort of hair woman you are, its getting a little ahead of oneself to think you can reach over and mess a dates hair up. Jesus, the next step on the dating physical interaction scale is a blowjob so he’s really over stepped the mark. (Ok, in a mans perfect world a BJ would come next but Chuck is prepared to concede that perhaps a kiss may be a more logical happenstance)

It all reeks of insecurity to Chuck. Treating you like a kid puts him in self perceived dominant position. The hair tussling, face slaps and ‘kiddo’ calling seems to be a way to make you seem his junior. Like he is the one driving this bus. What tops off Chuck’s theory is him pointing out the classier joint that he took another tart to. This is designed to indicate a couple of things to you 1) you’re not on top of his list yet, 2) you may not be worth the more upmarket place, 3) if you stick with him through his convoluted douche bag screening phase then you too may get taken to a nice restaurant. This is all a ploy to keep you off balance and make you think that he is pulling the strings.

The text message the next night indicating that he regrets how he acts cements that he was putting on an act and that it didn’t sit too well with him. Ignore the fact that he apologised, the guy has some confidence issues that you don’t need to be around to assist in rectifying. If you haven’t responded to his text yet, you’re best bet is to agree that yes he is a bad apple and to stay classy by thanking him for dinner. Then wash your hands of this fuck knuckle and never look back.

Chuck can appreciate how infuriating it must be to go through these situations. You meet a guy at a sporting event, things go well enough to warrant a date and then he turns out to be an A hole. There isn’t always a lot you can do to screen these guys, sometimes you have to get them one on one in order to pull back the skin and take a closer look at what’s inside. That’s the toughest part, trying to get a read. The one true advantage to meeting a guy at a sporting event such as the City to Surf is that it   enables the ultimate test for douchebaggery – spandex! If you end up talking to a dude that is wearing spandex as the only layer of clothing either up top or down below, then it is guaranteed that that guy is an A1 slap dick and you should cash in your chips and move on because there is no point in wagering on this bet any longer.

Oh and if Chuck hasn’t provided you with the conclusive evidence required to prove that this guy is a knob, surely his choice of Tony Abbott in the upcoming election tops it off!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Diamonds are Forever


I’ve psyched myself up to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I’m wondering if I should propose with an engagement ring or just propose and then take her along to choose one?

I’ve got pretty good taste but I wanted to check in with the man first



You’ve come to the right place.

Women are generally split into two camps; a) want the surprise of their man splashing out on a ring and presenting it to them and b) would never let anyone else buy them something that they’ll wear for ever so why start with the engagement ring.  It sounds very simple to most ladies. Fortunately, Chuck is here to tell you that it is never simple.

This was solidified in Chucks mind a couple of years ago when he was sitting around with a couple of dudes discussing their philosophies on engagement rings. An important side note to this is the fact that most normal guys don’t talk about how much cash they’ve outlaid on the ring because in their minds the greater the amount paid out, the greater they are pussy whipped. “You paid how much for your engagement ring?? Fuck she’s got you by the nuts!”

So what do guys sit around talking about? Where they got it, any sort of mates rates they may have secured, how painful the process was, how big the diamond is. That’s about it.

Anyway, during this conversation one of the lads piped up and with total pride stated that he’d had a really easy time finding a ring, in fact he snagged it from Zamels for 1200 bucks – a steal! Now this guy wasn’t what you’d call impoverished, so the fact that he was so proud of getting a cheap ring alarmed Chuck and confirmed once and for all that the aforementioned man was a total cheapskate. The other thing that was confirmed to Chuck was that the vast majority of men have no idea what they’re in for when it comes to popping the question and handling the ring situation.

So yes Wally, you were right to turn to Chuck. Your boy Chuck has impeccable taste and your about to outlay some significant cash – you need to be on top of your game. Lets consider some key points on the matter:  
  • Most men pay no attention when their woman drops hints about what sort of rock they want when you inevitably propose to them. In fact, Mrs Long has a friend who repeatedly told her partner that she hated princess cut diamonds. She went as far as to say, “anything but a princess cut diamond (gee doesn’t she just sound like a peach)”. So when it was time to buy the diamond, what do you think the poor dude purchased? Yep you guessed it, a princess cut diamond. He just remembered her going on about princess cut diamonds. Chucks point here is this; if you have no idea what your girlfriend likes, do not risk shelling out cash on something that she may absolutely loathe and risk her silently stewing for years or worse yet whipping it back at you. 

  • If you propose without a ring, it’s very much like jumping out of a plane with only one parachute and no back up. Chuck acknowledges that his metaphors are awesomely complex so let Chuck break it down. If you allow your girlfriend into a jewellery store, prepare for things to rapidly spiral out of control – you have no escape plan if things go bad. She will be easily seduced by the sparkling diamonds presented to her by the sales staff who are trained to prey on her desires and your unwillingness to upset her. Even if you had a frank budgetary discussion before the outing, clearly stating your financial limits, are you really going to be able to say no when the rock she likes is ‘only’ 500 smackers more than you’d allowed for (even though it may stretch you financially?)? Of course you’re not going to.The minute you enter a jewellery store with a mission to select a ring, your entering into unchartered waters. Women go crazy for their engagement ring and are easily led astray in the field of diamonds and gold. One way to combat this issue is to cohabitate with your girlfriend first and operate under a shared financial arrangement. The advantage of this is that she’ll be aware of your combined budget and may be less inclined to blow your wad if she knows it will directly impact her way of life*. 

*Of course, Chuck knows this is extremely flimsy. The majority of women would live on lettuce for a month if it meant a spendier diamond. 
  • You need to have a frank conversation with yourself and determine whether or not you actually have any taste. There is nothing worse than you spending time and money crafting a ring that is in reality uglier than home made sin and will have your girlfriend wishing that she’d dumped you earlier rather than having to sit through another one of her friends taking a look at her ring and describing it as “cute”. If you seriously believe you have good taste, get a second opinion. If you realise that your taste sucks, take her with you.

  • If you are adamant about buying the ring before the proposal, at least take the time to figure what sort of gold your girlfriend wears. Nothing screams ‘socially inept’ louder than the douche bag who buys a yellow gold ring for a woman who only wears white gold. 

  • If you stumble across a deal that appears too good to be true, it probably is. The ring is stolen, fake or removed from a dead woman at a funeral parlour. You get what you pay for. 

  • If Naomi Campbell sells you the diamond you’re probably now in possession of a blood diamond and karma will eat you alive. 

  • How do you figure how much to spend? Many say 3 months salary, which works for some and not others. If your earning decent coin it could mean that you’re dropping a serious wad of cash. If you’re not earning huge sums right now, it may mean that you’re not allowing too much at all. The reality is that if you put some time and effort in, your girl will love it no matter what. And if she doesn’t she is a heartless bitch and you should dump her immediately. You found out just in time!

Chuck did a little research on expenditure and found this website that provided tips on saving money on a ring:


Here are the tips (with Chucks comments added for additional clarity)

Here are some alternatives to buying your ring from an expensive jeweler:
  • Use a family ring for your engagement (if your girlfriend hates your mother, probably not a good idea to give her old mums engagement ring. Also, if a family member was brutally murdered, you’d probably want to hold onto that ring)
  • Buy a ring from an antique shop (maybe an ok idea, although you never know where that ring has been)
  • Stunning high quality cubic zirconium (you fucking tightwad. You’d get dumped faster than light if she ever found out she was wearing a piece of glass)
  • Pawn shops or classified ads (ahh sweet, you gave your girlfriend a stolen ring!)
  • Consider an alternative stone to a diamond (L.O.S.E.R)
  • Purchase a setting using several smaller stones instead of one large stone (this may work, but it still screams scrooge) 

Chucks best piece of advice on the issue is to determine a budget and then use 4/5 of the budget to buy a gorgeous diamond. When you propose, present the diamond. You’ve made her day by proposing and her year by going to the effort of procuring the diamond. You can then make her life by taking her along to the jewelers and having that puppy set with the remainder of your cash up your sleeve. You can’t lose in this scenario unless you present a princess cut diamond and she fucking detests them! 

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Room for only one cock in the henhouse


I think I have a problem with one of my mates and have no f*cking clue how to handle it. A group of the lads head out almost every weekend for a few drinks and obviously to try our luck with the ladies. Almost every time I’ve been in pretty good with a girl my mate finds a way to interrupt and totally kill any chance I had. Why would any bloke do this and how do I sort it out? I’m pretty sure I’m not over reacting here.



Getting cock blocked when you’re on a sure thing totally fucking sucks. Typically the cock block comes from one of the girl’s friends who uses the rationale that “she doesn’t want to let her friend make a mistake that she’ll regret forever” (when in reality it’s because she is totally jealous that she couldn’t pick up and if she cant get laid, no one will). There isn’t much you can do to nullify this cock block other than to employ an expert wingman who’ll take one for the team.  The only other option for dodging the friend cock block is to quickly and deftly find a dark and secluded corner and then secretly exit the premises before the friend figures out where you are, however a woman set on not letting a dude pork a friend is very rarely beaten by this maneuver. Its like the minute they decide that their pal is NOT getting boned, they develop an ultra sensitive radar that allows them to track her at all times.

You will find cock blocking taking place in the male species but it’s rarely amongst mates and generally involves 2 dudes angling for the same woman. If two guys are interested in the same lady, you’ll often see one or both trying to usurp the other. Some women love the attention and will soak both guys for attention and preferably drinks while other women get tired of the testosterone and leave the dudes to scrap it out without her. One of Chucks favourite cock blocks is the former couple that happen to end up in the same place. The lady starts to get some attention from a new male and the former lover decides that either he isn’t good enough to poke her or is simply jealous. What the ex lover doesn’t understand is that any interruption is a red rag to a bull and the new man will try even harder to bone his ex. On top of that, the female former partner will also get aggravated and is more likely to root the other dude out of spite. It’s a no win situation for the ex male partner in this situation.

The cock block amongst friends is extremely uncommon. The usual reason behind a mate cock block is one of the friends having a crush on the woman that the other friend is having a go at. Being males, the likelihood that the friend has expressed to his mates that he is interested in the woman is zero. Most men will just suffer in silence while a few others will attempt the cock block. No man would think to pull his friend aside and admit that he has feelings for the woman. It just never happens.

Another cause for cock blocking amongst friends is simply for a good laugh. Men can be evil bastards and take sick pleasure in screwing a mates chance of getting laid. This form of behaviour is normally a one off thing and is more likely to happen towards the end of the night when both parties are intoxicated and the interruption may be overcome. Sober cock blocking is a totally bullshit move and is in no way, shape or form acceptable.

Which leads Chuck to your situation Dennis.

Your boy is mate cock blocking and seems to be doing so while sober. It’s probably time to tell him to eat rocks and stop hanging out with him or accept the fact that he is in love with you.

Yeah, Chuck can appreciate that that last paragraph may be a little confronting but sometimes Chuck needs to call it as he sees it. Lets look at this from a few angles.

He is cock blocking you on a semi regular basis and with different women involved. He clearly has no love interest in the women you’re working on so the love interest card cannot be played here. It would seem that he’s also doing it while sober so his goal here appears to be to trash any chance you have to get some action. As previously stated, guys will often cock block for a gag with other mates, but not on a regular basis like this.

Chuck suggests you ask him what he’s up to. The confrontation will be completely uncomfortable and it is guaranteed that he’ll deny doing anything. At least by doing this you’ve put it out there and any other instances of it occurring is grounds for punching him directly in the nose.

Jealousy may be a reason for a friend cock block. Your mate sees you out and about each week, working your magic with the ladies and he gets crotchety that he isn’t getting any action. Perhaps he thinks he has more to offer than you and hates the fact that you’re getting a shot and he isn’t. If he can’t get any then you cant either!

The above two points are enough reason to never hang out socially with this guy again or to completely dump him from your friendship circle. After all, who needs friends that impede on your sex life?

This all leads Chuck to the suggestion that perhaps your mate is in love with you (or at least wants to chop you up). Each week he sees you getting it on with the ladies and each week he stands by the bar stewing in his own juices as the man of his dreams slips further from his reach. Finally he has enough and decides that he’ll bust up your evening. In his head this will lead you to think that you just don’t have it with the ladies and that in fact you are more attracted to men. The minute you have this realization he will be there for you! It’s amazing how a lust-addled mind can twist reality.

As interesting and deviant as that sounds, the most likely scenario of them all??

Your mate is a socially inept fuckwit.

Seriously, there are people out there who just don’t know how to act. He sees you working some game on a lovely lady and thinks that he can saunter over and join the conversation, like his presence will ratchet her evening up tenfold. Perhaps this guy has no sense of awareness and doesn’t think that A) you’re looking to score or B) he’s fucking things up. Either way, the next time he asks if you’re heading out for a night on the town it may be best to lie and tell him you’re buried in a good book.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Recalibrating Reality

Ok, so that vast majority of loyal Reality Bytes readers were probably relieved to learn that Mrs Long had finally spat the Long spawn out so that Chuck could get back to the business of saving relationships. The emails have been piling up over the last few weeks and months and Chuck hopes and pray that people have been able to keep it together as he’s been tending to the business of pumping out a child.

However, it would be a dereliction of duty for Chuck not to pass on some key findings to expectant or would-be fathers so that they avoid some of the pitfalls that Chuck and Mrs Long encountered in their child’s first couple of days.  As mentioned many times in this very forum, the making and cooking of the child is the easy part. Getting it out is no easy feat, but keeping it alive requires brains, brawn and determination. Chuck always bristled in the lead up to child birth as people said “I don’t want to tell you how to do it but…..” so Chucks not going to stat dishing out advice. Rather, it may be more effective to make a number of key observations that readers can do with as they please. Forewarned is forearmed:

0, 0, 4, 4, 4. Those figures represent that total number of hours of sleep that Chuck has logged in the 5 days that the Long spawn has been alive. Now Chuck realises that lack of sleep is a fairly obvious by-product of a new born baby, but what Chuck did not consider was the ramifications a lack of sleep has on the human body. As one of the magnificent midwives stated “there’s a reason that sleep deprivation is used as torture”. After 5 days with limited sleep, Chuck was actually contemplating water boarding so as to compare.

In normal everyday life when the alarm goes off, there is always the option of pounding a button to turn it off or at least defer it. In baby land no such option exists, especially when they turn on the “PICK ME UP RIGHT FUCKING NOW SCREAM” that sounds like a goat being slaughtered.

Chuck has had 2 revelations in this area:

1)    On day 1 when the baby generally sleeps all day, avoid sitting around staring at it and telling yourself and your partner how good you are. Chuck and Mrs Long made this mistake, coasting along for over 36 hours on pure adrenalin and no sleep. When the spawn shook off her birthing hangover and decided that it was time to get it on, the Longs were already behind the 8 ball in the sleep stakes. Get some shuteye on day 1!

2)    Sleep when the baby sleeps. It’s easy to think that you’ll do a spot of house keeping, hit the shops or write an awesome blog post when the baby sleeps. Fuck that, get your rest. Waking up after an hours power nap when your body really needs a solid 12 hours isn’t easy but you’ll appreciate it at 4am when your kid has unloaded a mega dump in its nappy.

In light of this sleep deprivation, Chuck will be keeping today’s post brief!

Hospital food is legitimately atrocious. One of the true blessings of private health care in Australia is that partners were able to sleep over at the hospital. 3 times per day, however a tray would be wheeled in and placed in front of Mrs Long. Initially Chuck was perturbed that he’d have to head out for meals each day – until Mrs Long lifted the lid and revealed what was on offer.  Seriously, is it that hard to cook baked beans? If Chuck tried to eat what was offered up his bowels would have locked up and required intravenous Metamucil.
While it is impractical to cater in food for the partner, all husbands should do some hard-core scouting and locate decent eateries so that your not camped in the hotel café or scavenging off your partners slop tray.

Finally, be careful what you listen to at the hospital. Chuck doesn’t mean that you should elbow the obstetrician out of the way mid delivery and take control of proceedings, but once the baby is out take everyone’s advice on board and then do what works for you. Chuck and Mrs Long had 4 midwives who rotated through the shifts. 2 were absolutely sensational and seemed totally dialled in to what they were doing. Unfortunately one was fixated on numbers. “how many poos, how many wees, how many feeds?” and less interested in what was actually going on. This was never more obvious than on day 2 when Mrs Long’s milk had yet to come in. The spawn still needs to gobble up the colostrums (oily substance that precedes the breast milk) and quickly latches onto the boob. What Chuck and Mrs Long didn’t realise was that babies reflexively suckle. On top of this, the Longs weren’t overly knowledgeable on the art of settling.

All of this lead to the baby feeding, then being unsettled and then being put back on the tit (since it was assumed that’s it was still hungry). When Chuck inquired about the length of the feed, the number cruncher stated that it was fine to keep her on the nipple. An interesting side note to this situation is the strength of the babies suck reflex. Chuck tossed his finger into the mouth in an effort to subdue the baby and was stunned at the sheer force behind the suck; it was like having your finger chewed on by Jaws – the metal-mouthed villain from James Bond (picture above). Hopefully this is a skill that rapidly diminishes as Chuck’s little girl gets older!

Anyway after 3 hours Mrs Long was in visible discomfort and absolutely knackered. When the baby was removed, her nipples resembled the chum thrown into the water when hunting great white sharks. They had been eviscerated. Mrs Long knew that she was in trouble when she saw the blood coursing off them. Needless to say the next 2 days were spent expressing milk to give the nipples some time to recuperate.

Fortunately this happened early in the piece and Chuck was able to deftly ignore any and all advice that the number cruncher dispensed for the remainder of the stay in the hospital.  Her attention was easily diverted by keeping Mrs Longs nipples out of sight and by the elaborate pie charts that Chuck had created to show poos, wees and feeds.