Sunday, August 15, 2010

They’re Still Out There!

Dear Chuck

Congratulations on the new bub, it was interesting to hear a man's perspective on childbirth.

A few nights a go I went on a date with a guy I met at last weeks City to Surf Fun Run. We got talking, had a dance, he bought me a drink and asked for my number.

Wednesday he calls me and Friday we met up for a drink then dinner.

I was running 10 minutes late so I texted to inform him. He sends one back saying 'No worries. I'll be the guy drinking by myself.' I didn't respond because I thought it was a little manipulative.

When I arrive I apologized then he suggests that he looks after my bag while I go get myself a drink. Another wrong answer buzzer goes off in my head and I grit my teeth.

We have a few drinks, the conversation was okay and he finally gets up to get me a drink then he suggests dinner. So we go to a place and he heads out to get a nice wine. However during dinner he leans over to scruff my hair and slap me (softly) on the face like I'm kid. I berate him for this, telling him it was patronizing and that I wasn't a child.
Then he starts calling me Kiddo! Arrrrrggggghhhhh! Anyway he did pay dinner.

Afterwards we head to another bar, I pay for the drinks as he got dinner and the wine then he takes me to the main strip to get me a cab. I thought this was good of him until he points out a restaurant he went to with another girl. One that was better than the one he took me to.

The next night he sends me a text saying 'I apologise for pretty much everything that happened last night. I'm a bad apple.' Chuck, what am I suppose to say to this!?! Can you see how infuriating he is?

Your advice appreciated,
Not a Kiddo

P.S. He also told me he was surly and obnoxious and that he pre-voted for Tony Abbott.

Dear NaK

Chuck’s getting soft. The last few months have been a bit of a blur and Chuck admits that his edge may have been blunted writing about all things birthing process. A couple of posts about engagement rings and cock blocking and Chuck thought he was right back into the swing of things. Then NaK’s email drops in and it was like a punch to the jaw. Yes, people are still grappling with dating and relationship nightmares out there in the real world.  Yes, guys are still screwing up teh most basic principles of dating. It’s not all about contraction pain and breast milk dripping into your face when you’re trying to smooch your wife.

Chuck actually had to get up and take a walk around the blog in order to process the email. Chuck needed to know that he still had his mojo!

Fortunately for the loyal readers, the answer came back positive. Chuck still has it! Let Chuck break down the proceedings and offer commentary:

All right, to get us started, the ONLY acceptable reason to be late to anything is if you are a bride on her wedding day. That’s it. And even then it’s fucking bullshit giving the groom that much anxiety. If you are late any other time you’re rude and you need to accept any criticism that comes your way. Yes, your blokes “I’ll be the guy drinking at the bar on his own” line is rudimentary but it’s a fair call. You have left him standing like a spare dick in a bar so you do deserve a gentle ribbing.

Sending you off to get your own drink is bullshit, although if you were on time, it seems like he’d probably foot the bill. The proper thing to do would be to let you settle, then ask what you’d like and go and get it for you. You did mention that he eventually went and go t you one so he can’t be a total douche bag.

And its at this point that Chuck runs out of things to defend the male species on and lets him have it.

Seriously, who does the hair tussling thing on a first date? And a slap on the face to go with it? Fuck Chuck drunk, there are a number of women out there who would have dumped their entre on his lap in a heart beat if a dude pulled that stunt on them. You let this guy off light. Unless you’re giving off some canine vibe that suggests you respond well to be patting and have an inherent desire to chase tennis balls then this bloke has completely misread the play or has no fucking idea how to act around a woman.

Chuck is still dumb founded by the hair scruffing move. That’s bizarre behaviour when you don’t know a woman well. Some women are hair people (those who actively enjoy their hair being handled) and others are non-hair people (those who’ll break your arm if you touch it, especially if they’ve spent time getting ready to go out). No matter what sort of hair woman you are, its getting a little ahead of oneself to think you can reach over and mess a dates hair up. Jesus, the next step on the dating physical interaction scale is a blowjob so he’s really over stepped the mark. (Ok, in a mans perfect world a BJ would come next but Chuck is prepared to concede that perhaps a kiss may be a more logical happenstance)

It all reeks of insecurity to Chuck. Treating you like a kid puts him in self perceived dominant position. The hair tussling, face slaps and ‘kiddo’ calling seems to be a way to make you seem his junior. Like he is the one driving this bus. What tops off Chuck’s theory is him pointing out the classier joint that he took another tart to. This is designed to indicate a couple of things to you 1) you’re not on top of his list yet, 2) you may not be worth the more upmarket place, 3) if you stick with him through his convoluted douche bag screening phase then you too may get taken to a nice restaurant. This is all a ploy to keep you off balance and make you think that he is pulling the strings.

The text message the next night indicating that he regrets how he acts cements that he was putting on an act and that it didn’t sit too well with him. Ignore the fact that he apologised, the guy has some confidence issues that you don’t need to be around to assist in rectifying. If you haven’t responded to his text yet, you’re best bet is to agree that yes he is a bad apple and to stay classy by thanking him for dinner. Then wash your hands of this fuck knuckle and never look back.

Chuck can appreciate how infuriating it must be to go through these situations. You meet a guy at a sporting event, things go well enough to warrant a date and then he turns out to be an A hole. There isn’t always a lot you can do to screen these guys, sometimes you have to get them one on one in order to pull back the skin and take a closer look at what’s inside. That’s the toughest part, trying to get a read. The one true advantage to meeting a guy at a sporting event such as the City to Surf is that it   enables the ultimate test for douchebaggery – spandex! If you end up talking to a dude that is wearing spandex as the only layer of clothing either up top or down below, then it is guaranteed that that guy is an A1 slap dick and you should cash in your chips and move on because there is no point in wagering on this bet any longer.

Oh and if Chuck hasn’t provided you with the conclusive evidence required to prove that this guy is a knob, surely his choice of Tony Abbott in the upcoming election tops it off!

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