Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Just like NASCAR

Folks, Chuck apologises for the sporadic nature of the posts in recent weeks, who would have thought having a newborn baby would put such a crimp in ones artistic endeavours! Although Mrs Long assumes the vast majority of the work (breast feeding which seems to be a never ending cycle) Chuck is forever consumed with chores such as nappy changing, settling or hanging out copious amounts of laundry. It actually feels like Chuck and Mrs Long are part of the babies pit crew. The baby is a rock star NASCAR driver (minus the redneck background) who appears after 30 or so laps (a nap), pulls into the pits and demands a full service (feeding, changing, attention) which requires Chuck and Mrs Long to scramble as quickly as possible to complete and then zooms off for another 30 or so laps (another nap). Instead of taking a well deserved break during the 30 laps, the crew is forced to make preparations for the next stop for fear of being unprepared and facing the wrath of the pampered star. On top of all this, the driver is totally unpredictable meaning that a pit stop can occur at even the most irrational time (after 2 laps) or for the most unexplained reason.

The upside is that each and every time, the baby leaves the pit stop; it’s in tip top working order and looking like a brand new machine. The downside is that no matter how good the driver looks, they always smell like vomit!

Fuck that was a good analogy.

Onto today’s question:

Dear Chuck,

Much like you and your wife, my husband and I recently had our first child. The labour was the worst thing I have ever been through. I was in labour for 15 hours and the pain was horrible. We had a beautiful baby boy so it was worth it. Anyway, a couple of days later, my husband actually said to me “you were really mean to me during the birth”. Does he have any grounds for complaint in this situation?

Many thanks in anticipation

Dee Dee

Dear Dee Dee,

It’s a brave man who dares raise any pain, discomfort or emotional hurt they experience during the birthing process. Chuck vividly recalls seeing how much discomfort Mrs Long was in during contractions. They were probably at their zenith as Mrs Long’s waters broke in the ensuite of the family bathroom. At this point Chuck had to take charge and get Mrs Long dressed and to the car in a hurry. It was during this period that Chuck had to hang two fully loaded bags off his outstretched arms while propping Mrs Long up and shuffling to the car. This took what seemed like 2 hours (more accurately it was perhaps 10 minutes). Do readers realise how painful it is to have your arms outstretched for any period of time? Couple that with weights hanging off them and you have some SERIOUS burn going on in the shoulder and back region. Did Chuck even contemplate stopping or worse yet telling Mrs Long that his arms were getting sore? FUCK NO!

Look, it’s a tough situation for a bloke because although you can see your partner in considerable pain, you have no way of actually knowing just how bad it is. Having said that, most blokes have the common sense to check their ego’s or bodies at the door and keep their shit to themselves. Dee Dee, your husband appears to have misplaced his common sense.

Perhaps Chuck was a tad spoiled. Mrs Long grunted and strained throughout the ordeal but actually seemed to appreciate Chuck’s presence and assistance. It probably helped that her labour lasted about 5 hours. Who knows what sort of beast she would have morphed into after 12 hours of constant searing pain. On the other hand, perhaps Chuck just played the role of husband extremely well (highly likely).

It dawned on Chuck very early in the piece that the entire process had nothing to do with him. This was a big shift for Chuck who was used to almost undivided attention. While not being able to physically experience or understand the pain Mrs Long was going through (thank Christ), Chuck did have the where-with-all to prepare himself for any output Mrs Long may have in terms of negativity or abuse. She was under absolute duress and in those circumstances almost anything is fair game.

Dee Dee, it would appear that your dear husband did not make those mental preparations and as a result haso9 acted adversely to the event. The only way this is acceptable is if you married a man with documented deficiencies in his mental capacity. In this instance, you knew the hand you were dealt and you have to accept it. If he has no identified mental problems, then the issues are all his and you are well within your rights to be royally jacked off at him.

It’s an odd bloke who can watch a baby being squeezed out of your va jay jay and not rationalise that the level of pain you’re in may cause your mouth to act independently of your mind. He had no grounds for complaint in this situation (unless you called him fat – that insult crumbles most men and often irreparably damages their ego).

Chuck can’t really offer any advice on how to fix this situation other than to tie him to the bed under the guise of a little post childbirth coital fun. Once he is securely fastened, smash his left testicle as firmly as possible with a ball peen hammer. If he screams that you’re a FUCKING BITCH then you can say that the ledger has been squared. You’re problem is if he cops it sweetly and says nothing, or worse yet.......enjoys it!

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