Monday, November 30, 2009

Married with Children


I have a quick etiquette question and it’s quite timely following on from your wedding situation of last week. I was at a wedding last weekend and got talking to a woman who was married with 2 kids but her husband had decided to stay home instead of coming to the wedding. Unless I’m mistaken she was clearly flirting. What’s the rule about making a play for this woman?


Dear Randy,

What is it about weddings that brings out all the freak shows?

Ok, so a married mother of two has come on to you and you want to know if you are free to plough her? Well considering the weekend has passed you are sending in this question for a number of reasons:

A) You already carved her up, feel a little guilty and are seeking absolution from the church of Reality Bytes

B) You didn’t pound it but got her number and are considering putting in a booty call

C) You took the moral high ground (or so you thought) and turned her down but are now wondering if you made the right decision.

First of all, doesn’t this whole situation once again reaffirm Chuck’s stance that weddings are like a narrow river crossing in the African savannah? The wildebeest all begin to gather at the shore line and once one breaks, they all go into the water making a beeline for the other side. Unbeknownst to them, the predators have already scoped the situation out and lay in wait. As the wildebeest begin to wallow, the crocodiles and lions move in, quickly and deftly picking off their prey with minimal effort or exertion.

Jesus, can chuck throw together a metaphor or what? For those of you who don’t follow, what Chuck is trying to say is: weddings are a good place to find some action.

Anyway, for the most part, Chuck would suggest that hooking up with a married mother of two is probably not in your best interests. There is just so much baggage and bad karma and it is sure to come back to bite you. Chuck’s assuming your intentions were less than pure and you were merely looking to run a length. The marriage and children just add wrinkles that you don’t want to have to think about.

While dipping your wick in a yummy mummy is a fantasy of many blokes, the potential to cause havoc is just too high, and do you want that on your conscience? Say you poke mum and dad finds out, best case scenario is they get divorced leaving 2 kids in a split parenting situation. Worst case scenario, he flies into a rage and kills the whole clan because he can’t bare the thought of having a tainted wife. Even worse case scenario, he comes looking for you which wont be too hard to do considering that he knows where you met and can easily cross reference a guest list.

If you fall into category (A) above and you’ve already planted your seed in her loins, Chuck would advise you to donate 20 bucks to some child welfare charity and say a Hail Mary. At the end of the day, you’re both adults; probably had a few drinks and one thing led to another. Mistakes happen and you’ll be fine. Now, it’s a bit different if you saw her early in the day, went and got a reference from someone in the joint (i.e. – found out who knew her and got all the key information you needed in order to determine your approach), was told that she was a married mother of two whose husband wasn’t around and then proceeded to make moves on her all night. That’s a bit dodgy and you’ll likely get a dirty great mouth ulcer as karmatic pay back.

Category B is a huge mistake and Chuck would advise you to steer well clear of entertaining such thoughts. A one off dalliance at a wedding is one thing. Actively trying to hook it up with a woman with a husband and kids is playing with fire. Nothing good can come from it other than a cheap thrill and the destruction of a nuclear family. If you’re interested in simply boning this woman, surely there are easier and less damaging targets? Unless this woman was a doppelganger of Heidi Klum, you surely don’t need to be chasing a woman with kids for some action? Take comfort that an attractive woman found you interesting and appealing enough to give you her number and leave it at that. The best approach in this situation would be to put her look, smell and feel in your wank memory bank and lock her in there for future reference.

Friday, November 27, 2009

From the hunted to the hunter

Dear Chuck,

A very good friend is getting married and I just received my invitation to her wedding. It’s been addressed to Jenny plus partner. WTF?? She’s knows I’m single, now I’m wondering if I should try to find some random to take with me. What would Chuck do?


Ahh, the dreaded “Jenny plus partner” invitation. You get these sorts of invitations for several reasons:

You are a strumpet and change men like you change underwear. You friend can’t keep track of your male comings and goings and has covered her bases by throwing you a generic partner invite so as not to embarrass you or her.

You are a loser and perpetually single. The ‘partner’ is designed to fill you with hope that your friends think that you can get there in the relationship stakes.

You’re a train wreck (see and your friend’s fiancĂ©/new husband doesn’t want you near his mates. Hopefully you bring your own sausage to keep everyone safe.

Your friend knows that there will be no eligible bachelors there and is helping you avoid dancing with another woman, sitting forlornly on your own during the slow dances or getting stuck dancing with an alcoholic uncle who thinks he has a chance with you.

You can choose to look at the above, see the negatives and immediately place an ad in the local community newspaper looking for a bloke with a pulse OR you can turn to your old pal Chuck Long and find enlightenment. No one wants to go solo all night, but Chuck is imploring you to throw caution to the wind and go it alone!

Here’s why

There is a common understanding amongst men that a wedding presents a fertile hunting ground for toey poontang. Women go to a wedding, get all misty eyed as one of their mates gets hitched and start to lament their own lack of matrimonial success. They then immediately look to resolve the issue, preferably by latching onto a bloke that night when their emotional guard is down (the woman that is). Single women at weddings are like those giant schools of mackerel you see on National Geographic. The men act like sharks, herding them together and then simply swimming through the middle taking their fill until they are satiated.

You know what ladies? Chuck believes that you can turn this on its head and go man shopping yourself! Now Chuck knows that many of you would be choking on your skinny double decaf latte reading this proclamation, but please allow Chuck to elaborate.

Most of the loyal readers would be familiar with Chucks ‘Certain Amount of Outlay’ Theory. ( Basically, you want to position yourself in places where guys have to invest some element of time, effort or capital because it generally shows a level of commitment and eligibility. Well a wedding requires all of these factors, plus you have the rarely available opportunity to reference any dude that you may be interested in because either the bride or groom will know him. It doesn’t get any better than that in terms of fertile hunting.

Let Chuck quickly illustrate the point. Say your radar locks onto an attractive and well-put together blonde guy across the room. You make eye contact, perhaps converse and even flirt a little. Turns out he is an old uni mate of the groom. You sidle up to the bride as she makes small talk with some old relic of an aunt and whisper in her ear “oi, 2 o’clock over there, blonde guy nice tan – what’s the drum?” She looks up and says “errr, dirty sleaze bag with a nasty case of genital warts.”

And you can now end all interaction with this guy before you even put yourself in the situation of pulling his trousers down in the reception centre garden and seeing the gnarly warts up close and personal with your own eyes.

Aside from getting real time reference checks, there are additional benefits to manhunting at weddings:

Knowing who is and who isn’t available will allow you to avoid screaming catfights with enraged wives whose husband you have been inadvertently hitting on for the last 30 minutes

You can check out how the bloke scrubs up. How a man dresses for a formal occasion is a massive insight to their personality and psyche. This is obviously not going to work if your friend or her husband is a dirty hippie and the dress code for the wedding is ‘hemp’. Anyway, if the guy knows how to wear a suit – well cut, colour schemes matching, polished shoes – then he is likely to be well to do and sophisticated (he could also be a philandering grease ball). If he looks like he spent 80 bones on the suit or if it is made of polyester then he is either a tightarse, has no class or is homeless.

Weddings are fantastic opportunities to evaluate how men behave in alcohol soaked situations. There are plenty of blokes out there who are the perfect gentleman until they mix in a few wines and then morph into something that pisses into pot plants. The same principle applies to aggression. You’ll quickly learn the blokes who can handle the grog and those that possess the ‘rage’. The rage leads blokes to argue with wait staff over the frequency of service at a wedding with free booze or get in a punch up over the garter. It’s a great opportunity to find out if potential love interest has the rage in a social setting where others can jump to your defence if he tries to break a glass over your face.

How they dance will be on prominent display very early in the piece. The guy who gets up and carves up the dance floor with style and grace is obviously confident, athletic, stylish and more than likely gay. On the other hand, the blokes who shuffle from side to side at least recognise their shortcomings and are willing to try. If they can’t coordinate the shuffle, they may be retarded so avoid these guys. The danger guy is the bloke who refuses to dance – especially if he is single. He is also likely to be the dude who won’t eat green vegetables because he hated them when he was 5 and hasn’t tried since. Socially maladjusted.

Believe it or not and despite their protestations, most men would walk out of a wedding with sentimental feelings of their own (if they are successfully married) or a dream to have one of their own (if they are 30+ and single). You’ll always get a few bitter pills who have been divorced or who had ex’s who tried to sever their penis while they slept. You just avoid these guys.

The key for you Jenny is to go from hunted to the hunter Stop being the mackerel and start being the shark. Do you homework, have a strategy and a checklist. Then sneak up from behind and sink your teeth in to the fattest and juiciest one you can find!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

It’s not me, it’s you

Dear Chucky, 

Dumping in the modern age: theory/query

Online dating has compounded the issue of rejecting people. In general men rarely have to dump a girl since we're programmed to expect a fade
(guy stops calling/texting or show signs of slowing contact, you boil his bunny a little then drop it, chase over, cry, drink, eat, next! 
 Seems to me boys often think it's their choice, they do the right thing, treat a girl well, everyone's getting on, then there should be no reason for the girl to lose interest (since all we're really waiting for is a 'decent' guy mental enough to marry us!!).

It's harder for a girl to implement a standard issue victimless fade without some resistance. How do you get rid of a guy after a few dates? There's no glaring issue, just no spark. I don't want to be having the 'I'm just not feeling it George/Joe/Merlin' chat every time I go on a couple of dates, guys don't have to do it. So, I guess I want permission from the authorities to take an easy out and text my lack of interest. How many dates in can you get away with a text dumping if the guy is oblivious to your attempts at a polite fade?

Dumping text suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I once used
'welcome to dumpsville... population you' but that only works on a die-hard Simpsons fan. 


F. Ade.

Dear F,

Poor you, it sounds like you have a real conundrum. Fortunately, you let your fingers do the talking and you typed your issues to the one brain that can really help you – Chuck Long.

First things first, Chuck’s a little troubled by your willingness to accept the ‘fade out’, as you so eloquently put it, like it is standard operating procedure in the dating world. This is yet another example of women compromising their values and allowing themselves to be treated like schmucks.  Chuck is only too happy to tell you that it’s a bullshit act performed by men unaccustomed to any form of decorum. Look at it this way, if you paid your hard earned dollars to a cleaner to come in and put the spit and polish on your apartment and then for no apparent reason they just stopped showing up with no explanation, would you just accept that? Of course not, you’d put numerous calls in and investigate why the hell they jacked it in (they either finished pawning off your valuables or found your place riddled with asbestos). So don’t put up with it from a bloke who used to put the spit and polish on you.

Why the fuck would you allow some dude to wander off on you with no rhyme or reason? If you’re a psychotic nut case, wouldn’t you rather be told in an upfront and frank conversation so that you can seek the appropriate medical attention? Turn dumpings into self-improvement sessions Chuck says!

So ‘fade outs’ should not be accepted. Does that mean YOU can’t do it?

Well Chuck never says never. If your flavour of the month demonstrates looneybin tendencies then a fade out is well within your rights – in fact, if the dude is a total nut sundae, you may have to employ the old ‘flashbang’ where you disappear suddenly, including changing addresses and phone numbers so that you can never be found again. Faking your own death is probably the most extreme example of a flash bang but also the most highly effective, especially if you can finagle some way of getting your own life insurance money. It worked for Elvis!

Since all the kids are doing it, it’s important for Chuck to put some guidelines around text message dumping. In case you haven’t picked it, Chuck is a huge fan of face-to-face communication or at least over the phone (preferably with you doing the dirty, not a roped-in girlfriend).  But, we live in an age where text messaging is an accepted form of interaction and Chuck doesn’t want to come off as a curmudgeon.

If you’re the type of chick who dates sporadically and takes a considered approach to finding a bloke then you’re probably less inclined to use text to perform the euthanasia. Judging from your email however, it sounds as if you power through blokes on like you get a free one for every 10 you date. When you’re trading in bulk sausage, it can get tiresome delivering the same message. You could get totally get radical and become the ‘Black Widow” of RSVP and start knocking these blokes off as the ultimate dumping – “I didn’t enjoy dating you so I’ll kill you instead”. Imagine the effect that would have on the dating scene. Do you think any guy would ever not call a woman back again if they thought there was a chance they’d get whacked? Fuck, you could do women the world over a massive favour if you took this approach.

Anyway, lets set some ground rules:

Appropriate scenarios to dump a guy via text

  • Never kissed (this is void if the bloke has a nasty case of herpes and he’s been waiting for it to die down before smooching you). If you have not locked lips with a guy, you’re still officially associates. If you’ve gone on multiple dates and still not kissed, then you are friendly (and one or both of you has no game). Either way, you have no obligation to dump him face to face or by phone.

  • He does something dumb on the date. Examples include getting extremely drunk, inviting friends along, doing a runner from a taxi, asking you to pay for the meal, pissing on the street. Basically if he is a fuckwit, you can text dump him.
  • If he reveals that he’s a Mormon.

  • He mentions marriage, kids, you meeting his parents or talks incessantly about his ex.
  • He invites you back to his place and instead of putting the moves on you; he smokes a bong, puts on his favourite tracksuit pants and cues up the Big Lebowski on DVD.

And that’s it.

Anything above and beyond that, you’re obligated to call my friend. It’s the decent thing to do.


Pull the flash bang text. Here’s how you do it:

Send him a text saying “HEL……”

He’ll immediately bolt for your place in a desperate bid to save you. While he’s in transit, splash kerosene throughout your house and set it alight.
Quietly grab your passport and duck out to New Zealand for 6-12 months. In that time he’ll have grieved and moved on (unless you’re a dynamo in the sack in which case he’ll be visiting your burned out home every Friday at 2pm).

If you’re ever questioned by the authorities, just say your text was meant to say ‘HELLO form New Zealand’ but you dropped your phone and the text was sent unfinished.

Fool proof

Redneck Video Dating Disaster

YouTube Clip Of The Day

Monday, November 23, 2009

Excess Baggage (Part 3)

Started here:

Continued from:
One of the group members let out a shriek, causing everyone but Chuck to jump in surprise. A stunned silence followed as the women stared at Chuck’s diagram and tried to decipher the numbers, dashes and symbols. Sensing the apprehension in the room, Chuck declared that it was time for another drink break. This time however he signalled for his assistant to break out the wine glasses and a couple of bottles of white to settle the nerves and ease the learning.

Chuck worked on his presentation notes and after 5 minutes decided it was time to call the group to order. As he looked up, he noticed the entire group was sitting in their places, wine glasses in hand, waiting with baited breath for him to continue his teachings. Chuck chuckled, took a sip of his wine and began:

“Ladies, as Chuck mentioned, the Pyramid of Pussy Possibility is not a set of rules that makes or breaks your decisions. Think of this diagram as a tool to help you make educated decision. You all know that when under duress people’s decision making ability can be impaired. The key is to learn a set of principles that no matter how hot and bothered you get in the panty region, you can always fall back on to help you from making a poor decision or entering into a bad situation”

As Chuck spoke, the group was burning through their notebook pages trying to get everything down. One of the members, Lydia* had even broken out her laptop to capture it all.

*Name changed to protect the identity of the class member.

“An important thing to consider is that Chuck is making the assumption that the majority of you are chasing blokes who are in your age range. The Pyramid doesn’t work so well if you are hunting a different pack”

“So we start at the bottom of the pyramid here,” Chuck said as he drew a line inside the pyramid sectioning off the bottom part. Inside this section Chuck wrote <28 and drew a smiley face. “Right, so this section is applicable to women 28 years and younger”. All of the women looked up from their notes. “Basically if you are in this section you have no business whatsoever dating a bloke with a child. It is as simple as that.”

Chuck had just finished his sentence when the youngest member of the group – Domenica* asked worriedly “How come?”

*Name changed to protect the identity of the class member.

“Domenica, Chuck’s not the sort of guy to tease, please let Chuck continue” said Chuck soothingly.

“Sorry” came Domenica’s sheepish reply.

“When Chuck looks around this room, he sees young, talented ladies with their whole lifes ahead of them. At under the age of 28, you deserve attention, love, passion and free spirit. You don’t need to be encumbered by the stress and strain that a child that isn’t yours brings to a fledgling relationship. On top of that, you are young enough that you can bounce around until you find the right man, without having to worry about excess baggage. Furthermore, you are in an age range where your love interests are unlikely to have children so you can be pickier. That’s why on the pyramid, you have the biggest slice. The possibility of having your pussy serviced is extremely high as you have a bigger gene pool of men to fish from”. Chuck paused to let it sink in.

Domenica smiled, she was one of the lucky ones.

“The only way you can screw this up is by stepping outside of your banding” Chuck warned. “If you are 25 and choose to chase 45 year old codgers then Chuck cannot guide you as smoothly on the topic”. Conversely ladies, if you are 45 yourself, you can avoid the child phenomenon by dipping into this pool but you sacrifice some of the other important relationship criteria (like maturity) by doing so. Mind you there will be less erectile dysfunction so if you’re only after beef, dive in”

A couple of the older class members smiled coyly while others sat forward in their chairs, anxiously waiting to see where they would sit on Chuck’s pyramid.

“Onto section two” Chuck said as he placed another line across the pyramid above the <28 section. Chuck wrote in 28 – 35. The ladies 36 and above slumped back into their seats. “In section 2, we are moving up the pyramid and with the move the pool of available men is decreasing. In this section, you can consider a dude with a kid, but you are to keep him on a strict leash and cut things off at the first sign of trouble. You still have the freedom to explore in this range and there are still men out there who are single and have not been married although the numbers have begun to dwindle. If you have desires to have your own children you still have time on your side”.

The possibility of having your pussy serviced is high and there are still quality, untainted men out there for the taking – however, as you creep closer to the top of this age range, you are going to run into more and more fellas with offspring.”

Chuck scratched his head and allowed the ladies to catch up on their note-taking.

Turning back to the board, he inserted another line into the pyramid and wrote in 35 – 40. The ladies in this age range knew where things were headed by now.

“Right, if you’re looking for love in this section of the pyramid, it is almost inevitable that you will have to date a guy who has kids and who is either married or previously married. If you do stumble across a guy in this bracket without children you need to be extremely sceptical. He is likely to either be a rock star who has fathered 15 illegitimate children, a millionaire playboy with no interest in a long term relationship or a total social miscreant who still lives with his mother and likely writes a blog”.

“Present company excluded, I hope” asked Holly*

*Name changed to protect the identity of the class member.

“Of course” laughed Chuck as he noticed one or two of the women looking strangely at him.

“There is some upside to this group, however” said Chuck, raising the spirits amongst that age group. “Sure the blokes you are dating are likely to have kids but the kids will likely be in the 5-12 range which means they are manageable and you may be able to get to know them before hormones ravage their body and they start to become walking time bombs. Additionally blokes in this bracket are mature and are settling into their careers.”

“Of course any money they make goes towards maintenance so you’ll be going on a lot of ‘romantic picnics’ featuring bread and cheese” warned Chuck as the life got sucked back out of the room.

‘So that brings us to the tip of the pyramid ladies – the 40+ section” said Chuck as Patty the 65 year old smiled on. “In this section there is no way that you’re finding a guy without a kid unless he was a former priest who lost faith in God (and who wants a dude with no faith?) or George Clooney.”

There are a couple of ways to look at this continued Chuck. 1) If you are single yourself and have never been married, you’re headed towards being a spinster so unless you enjoy the company of cats, you can’t be picky and need to tolerate the presence of kids. 2) in this bracket you’ve likely been married before or at least in a long term relationship, you probably have a solid career and other than a new man you are content with your life. You can actually afford to be picky and wait for the right dude to come along. If his kids give you the shits fuck them off and move on. 3) You are totally in the cougar demographic so right now the youth market is hot for you and you can have the dust knocked off it on a needs basis.
Patty raised her hand in the air.

“Yes Patty?” said Chuck

“I know I’m older and perhaps not as bright, but my bracket and probably the first one sound the best” offered Patty.

“Well, when you break it down, you are absolutely right. There is a lot less pressure and decision making required in the top and bottom sections.” Chuck agreed.

Sandy, the young lady who had started the whole topic reached for her bag and grabbed her phone. Chuck’s assistant called out across the room to say, “Errr Sandy, we asked that all phones are kept off during the session.” Chuck raised his hand towards his assistant politely, confident that he knew what Sandy was about to do.

“I was just going to text my boyfriend and dump him, after all that I’m not interested in competing with the kids” said Sandy unsure whether she should proceed.

Before Chuck could admonish Sandy for communicating via text, Abbie* asked in a confused voice “You cant dump someone by text can you Chuck?”

*Name changed to protect the identity of the class member.

A weary Chuck offered a smile and said “that’s next weeks topic.”

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Excess Baggage (Part 2)

Continued from

The group started to straggle back into the room as Chuck wheeled the white board over to the semi circle of chairs. Ladies, please take a seat and let’s get started again,” said Chuck.

The women settled into place in anticipation for what Chuck had in store.

“Ok, so we’ve discussed the biggest issue in dating a bloke with a kid or kids – the mother of the child. The next pain in the arse is the kid itself,” warned Chuck.

One of the ladies let out a gasp at Chuck’s statement.

Chuck pressed on, “Look, it’s not so much the kid itself. Granted, if the little fucker is a good-natured beast life can be easier, but the mere presence of a child causes problems. Each and every one of you is childless, so you’ve never had to share. All of a sudden, you meet a bloke and in a perfect world you’d be the centre of his universe. He’d be going out of his way to wine and dine you. As soon as you throw in his spawn, you are competing for his attention. In this instance unfortunately, blood is thicker than water and if he is dialled into his kid, he will punt you in a heart beat to attend to the child”.

The group gave a collective Oprah like “mmmm hmmmm”

Chuck let his last message settle before continuing, “In the early days of a relationship, you are out to impress and assess – I & A.......... Write that down!”

The ladies scrambled for their notebooks and jotted furiously.

As the ladies scribbled, Chuck pressed on, “It is very difficult to both assess and impress if you are constantly battling for attention with a child. You can’t get his full attention and your effort to show him what a top shelf item you are is often dampened by the kid complaining of being hungry or stinking of a soiled nappy. The absolute worse case scenario of course is running into a guy with teenage kids.”

A lady in the group named Rhonda* looked up from her notes inquisitively. Noting the look, Chuck barrelled on -

* Name changed to protect the identity of the class member.

“Yeah, teenage. Think about when you were 13-17 years old. How much of a fucking nightmare were you for your folks who may or may not have gotten along like a house on fire? Now think about how you would be if your dad was running his cock through some other tart that wasn’t your mother.”

At this comment many of the women sniggered. Chuck knew that his point had been delivered.

“Teenage kids are an absolute thorn in your side. They will slaughter any chance you have with their father. About your only way of penetrating their orbit is to author a popular book on vampires,” concluded Chuck.

The group laughed somewhat uncomfortably.

Chuck cleared his throat and continued, “The last major issue surrounding dating a bloke with kids is his family or his ex partner’s family. They are like in-laws except they are 3 times as bad because you are either not as good as the kid’s mother (his folks may think that, the kids other grandparents will definitely think that – unless their daughter was a heroin junkie). Worse yet, if the mother of the child is an A1 disaster, they will be even harder on you to make sure that their son or father of their grandchildren doesn’t make the same mistake again. You are screwed whichever way you turn”

The in-law statement sucked the life out of the room and Chuck knew that he needed to brighten the mood.

Slapping his hand on the white board and adjusting his tone to a richer baritone Chuck went on, “Right, Chuck has highlighted the downside to dating a bloke with kids, but as the Y chromosome pool seems to be ever shrinking, there are going to be inevitable situations where you, as gorgeous, successful and available women have to swim in that sea”

This seemed to lift the spirits of the class.

“Ok, so what Chuck is going to do now is set some parameters that may help you in your dating journey. These are not steadfast rules. Think of them as guides to help in your decision-making process.”

Chuck turned to the white board and began drawing a triangle with various numbers and lines inside it. After 3 minutes Chuck straightened up, wiped his brow with the back of his hand, studied his work and then suddenly swivelled to face the group.

“Ladies, I give you Chuck’s Pyramid of Pussy Possibility,” said Chuck proudly while pointing at his creation.

Clearly baffled, Rhonda looked at Chuck and said, “What?”

“Pyramid of Pussy Possibility” boomed Chuck convincingly.

The secrets of the Pyramid will be revealed on Monday

Chum in the Water – The Trilogy + 1

By Chuck Long

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Excess Baggage

“My boyfriend is a premature ejaculator!”

“I’m sick of dating retards!”

“My husband makes no effort anymore!”

“My man prefers hanging out with his friends over me!”

Chuck sat intently scribbling in his notebook as the ladies around him held hands and shouted out what it was that bothered them about their relationships or dating lives.

“ is a one stop shop for dodgy men!”

“I had to pay for dinner on the first date!”

“I got the guy home only to find that he had the hairiest back I have ever seen and I was repulsed!”

This technique is one that Chuck uses regularly when conducting Reality Bytes relationship coaching sessions. It encourages the ladies to voice their frustrations, to make them public and have their peers and classmates acknowledge and support the issues that they are facing. So often in this day and age, women accept poor treatment or behaviour in the fear that there are no better options out there so it is important to acknowledge the faults and move away from them.

Typically, once one of the group of 15 sparks up and starts venting their spleen about a partner or their failed dating efforts, the rest of the group gets a taste of blood and the vitriol flows. This is Chucks starting point – once he can get the anger out, then the ladies can be rebuilt into relationship cyborgs, capable of building and controlling successful relationships. The Reality Bytes relationship coaching sessions have an unbelievable success rate with over 93% of attendees going onto meaningful and rewarding unions.

Chuck encouraged the rest of the group to offer up their grief.

“I keep dating guys in IT, I feel like I’m getting pigeon-holed!”

“My husband is having an affair!”

However it was the next statement that generated the most buzz and caused Chuck to stop writing down the comments:

“I just started dating a guy with kids!”

Chuck sat and observed as the ladies all started chiming in with differing opinions on the topic. The group appeared divided. Half had no issue whatsoever in seeing a guy with children, while the remainder were fundamentally opposed to the thought for various reasons. As the group continued to debate the issue, the young lady at the centre of attention – Sandy* looked to Chuck and said, “Chuck, you run these sessions for a reason and we can all smell your success, do you have a theory on this?”

* Name changed to protect the identity of the class member.

Chuck straightened in his chair, adjusted his tie and rubbed his chin. Usually at the first session, Chuck is nothing more than a facilitator, getting the ladies to open up and start sharing themselves. This was a breach of protocol and Chuck knew that crossing the line this early could create problems because the ladies would be hesitant to use their own free-will once Chuck had revealed his relationship mastery and insight.

“Ladies, ordinarily Chuck would not hold court this early in the program, but since Sandy’s issue has generated such discussion, it’s probably a good opportunity for Chuck to weigh in with his thoughts to give you a better understanding of what these sessions can provide. You may as well see what your $2000 is paying for right off the bat,” stated Chuck confidently.

Since the Reality Bytes relationship coaching sessions are not advertised and participants find their way to the classes through referral only, the ladies had all heard the stories of Chuck’s ability. The excitement in the room was palpable as the group members realised that they were about to see a mighty brain at work.

Chuck removed his jacket, loosened his tie and began rolling up his shirtsleeves. With a group of ladies ranging in age from 21 – 65, Chuck knew that this answer had to be all-encompassing.

Chuck began speaking; “Look, dating a bloke with a kid or kids is never easy, especially at the start when you’re just feeling each other out and trying to determine if you actually like one another”. Chuck finished rolling and looked up to see every lady in the semi circle nodding. “How many of you have kids?” asked Chuck.

Only Patty*, the 65 year old class member raised her hand.

* Name changed to protect the identity of the class member.

“Patty, if you don’t mind, Chuck is going to present this information to the group from a ‘no kids’ perspective. Having your own children changes the landscape and creates too many other discussion points. If you like, Chuck can arrange a private session to talk your situation through?” suggested Chuck.

“Chuckie you sweet boy, my useless article son is in prison serving 15-20. He followed in the footsteps of his worthless father. Let’s just assume that I have no children…..but I’d definitely like some one-on-one time with you if you know what I mean?” said Patty as she blushed violently upon realising what she had just said.

Chuck smiled and continued, “ok, so it’s important to evaluate the many pitfalls of seeing a bloke with kids. Right off the bat the biggest issue that you’re going to face is the mother of the child.”

“FUCKING BITCH OF A THING” screamed Desiree*

* Name changed to protect the identity of the class member.

“Desiree, Chuck’s assuming that you’ve dated a bloke with a kid and had some issues with the mother?” asked Chuck.

Desiree was clearly seething and could only nod in the affirmative.

“As you can see from Desiree’s reaction, the former receptacle of your love interest‘s penis can often be problematic. No matter how you approach it, if your guy is interested in his kid/s this woman is going to be a part of your life. If things get serious and you should happen to move in with this dude, you will have some random woman putting stipulations on your lifestyle. Examples include – her perfume is too strong and causes Child X’s eyes to water, she is a bad role model to our child smoking bongs in the lounge room, she doesn’t use organic eggs in her cakes etc etc etc “ offered Chuck.

Desiree was now rocking back and forth in her chair, visibly distressed at the memories. Chuck rose and walked over to where Desiree was seated and offered her a reassuring (and non sexually suggestive) back rub while continuing, “to make matters worse, if the break up was not on amicable terms, this woman will likely piss on your parade at every opportunity. She may be late or early to pick up the kids, putting a real crimp in your social life. She’ll likely talk to you like you’re an A1 moron knowing full well that you cant punch her face in for fear of a restraining order and worst of all, she’ll have a week to poison your reputation with the kids before dropping them off at the weekend. By Friday night the kids will be a quivering mess at the knowledge that you are a convicted child killer”.

Chuck motioned to his personal assistant to bring Desiree a cup of warm milk and a shot of whiskey to settle her.

Encouraging Desiree to drink up Chuck added “Even if your man and this other woman are on good terms and EVEN if you can develop some sort of relationship with her, you will still have another lady in your life calling shots that will have repercussions on you. For example, she may have the kids on special diets that you will be impacted by or kybosh the holiday you’ve got planned because she doesn’t want the kids in a tropical climate. No matter how good the relationship, this chick is another cog in an already complex machine”.

Desiree wiped the milk from her top lip and offered a crooked smile to Chuck.

“Gang, we’ve got a ton of ground to cover here, why don’t you all break for the toilet, grab a coffee or tea and meet back here in 5 minutes (longer if you need to drop a number 2)” said Chuck, acknowledging that they were in for the long haul.

Check back on Friday for Part 2.

Zee Boob Sex

In the Autumn of 2005 after an intense year of renovating the Reality Bytes Chateau in the South of France with the help of Miss Doodwah, Madame Boodwah felt it was time they both visited their good friend Agent Nein and her infamous cocktail bar in Munich called The Sarge.

Now not only was Agent Nein up there with some of the best cocktail makers in world she was also blessed with a perfect set of bosoms that were al naturale. Agent Nein was also the kind of woman you wouldn’t want to fuck around with either as she’s good at restoring order which is quite a skill when you own a cocktail bar.

The Sarge opened its doors in the early afternoon at 2pm. It was right near the English Garten and it had tables and chairs that spread out onto the cobble street. After a productive day of shopping for Australia Madame Boodwah and Miss Doodwah sat down at one of the long tables outside to join Agent Nein’s boyfriend Brian. Agent Nien walked out to join us with 3 of her signature cocktails called ‘The Sarge’ and a Bundy and Coke for Brian when we were joined by some local Germans.

Their English was decent and soon we got chatting after a few drinks. They were nice guys and had just run the Munich marathon that day. They were a bit dehydrated because they went from being pretty respectful to pretty drunk very quickly.

Getting bored of their badinage Madame Boodwah and Miss Doodwah walked inside to go to the ladies.

Agent Nein was sitting next to a guy called Stefanmeister who at first seemed quite nice. During our absence they started off chatting about life in Germany and life in Australia...all going along very nicely until he asked her “So, Agent Nein, do you have zee boob sex?”

Agent Nein thought she had misheard or was lost in translation.

“Sorry Stefanmeister, could you repeat that?” asked Agent Nein

“Do you have zee boob sex?” he replied while making the motion of pushing boobs together with his chest.

Suddenly Agent Nein knew she wasn't lost in translation anymore.

“Stefanmeister, no comment!” exclaimed Agent Nein and shot Brian a look across the table of “HELP!!!!”

Unfortunately Brian was deep and drunk in translation with another local over some Bundy and Coke so missed her look of desperation.

Stefanmeister in a German accent continued to ask her the same question about forty times and it evolved into three questions,

“Agent Neeeeeeiiiiiiinnnnn, you have very nice boobs, do you have zee boob sex, und, do you like zee boob sex und vat do you call zee boob sex?” enquired Stefanmeister

Finally, after Brian still not rescuing this damsel in distress Agent Nein said “Stefanmeister, no, I don't have zee boob sex, and no, I don't like zee boob sex, it is very boring for a woman, and we don't call it boob sex, we call it the ‘hotdog’!!!”

Just as Madame Boodwah and Miss Doodwah walked backed outside Agent Nein picked herself up and left as Stefanmeister was imitating the head job action behind her back much to our horror.

Then one of the guys then proceeded to throw up under the table.

Agent Nein turned around and thought ‘I’m not having any of this in my bar’ and shot them a look of as if she was to take an angle grinder to their testicles.

‘Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein!’ Agent Nein screamed at them as slammed her hand on the table to every Nein. The whole bar went quiet.

Madame Boodwah, Miss Doodwah and Brian had not seen her get this mad in a long time but they knew she meant business. The Germans went white in the face and were cowering at their table.

Agent Nein turned her back to them and walked towards the power hose giving us a slight smile and wink.

‘Girls when I give the nod turn the hose on full boar’ whispered Agent Nein

‘No problem.’ Replied Madame Boodwah and Miss Doodwah in synch.

The hose was already laid out from Brian watering the plants that afternoon.

Agent Nein calmly walked back to the table as though nothing had happened and sat down next to the Stefanmeister. The Stefanmeister thought he was in.

‘You are a very feisty creature’ he said with a look of arousment

‘You know I’ve been thinking about what you said’ said Agent Nein smiling ‘How do you feel about showers?’ she continued

‘Like golden shower?’ he asked with excitement

Agent Nein leaned down to picked up the hose and looked over to give us the nod. Madame Boodwah and Miss Doodwah quickly turned the hose onto full bore as Agent Nein shoved it down his throat.

Madame Boodwah suddenly had a flash back to her childhood when Pa Boodwah came drunk one night after being dropped off by his mates and the Judge took the hose to him by shoving down his throat on the front lawn.

When Stefanmeister started gagging and going blue in the face Agent Nein turned it on his friends as started heading for the hills with the shrieks of little lambs running away from the abattoir.

Everyone at the bar started laughing. Once they were gone Madame Boodwah turned off the hose. Agent Nein walked over to wind the hose over the tap against the walked.

‘Thanks girls’ said Agent Nein

‘With pleasure’ we said with a smile.

Brian walked over and asked for another Bundy and Coke in a drunken slur.

‘I’ve now got 99 cocktails and Bundy and Coke now ain’t one!’ Agent Nein Trace scowled at him.

That night Brian slept on the couch and Bundy and Coke was taken off the menu forever.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Taking a deuce in your own nest

Dear Chuck

I’ve just realised I quite fancy a guy I work with, it’s been a bit of a slow build. Nothing has happened yet but I do think that there’s chemistry although I’m not sure how interested he is. He isn’t my boss or anything like that but we work in the same department so I am worried about making a move and him not being interested.

What should I do?


Tanya, Tanya, Tanya. You’re playing a dangerous game when you start contemplating fishing off the company pier. In this day and age when finding a decent bloke is becoming increasingly hard, Chuck can appreciate that women are expanding their search and considering options that were once taboo. Obviously, you spend upwards of 40 hours per week at work and are exposed to people that you see more often than friends and family so it is natural that you would get close to a decent-looking dude you work with.  

There are a number of issues at play here Tanya. First and foremost, Chuck needs to weigh up the pro’s and con’s of an office romance for you.


  • The obvious downside to engaging in an office romance is the threat of break up. If things go pear shaped, you will be constantly reminded of the way things were because you’ll see this dude every day. If things are particularly messy, the reality is that one of you may actually have to leave.

  • If you’re in the same team meeting as your boyfriend you will be viewed strangely if you agree with anything he says (“she’s only agreeing because they’re dating”) or if you disagree (“they must be fighting”).

  • Imagine if one of you gets promoted over the other and becomes the boss? Granted, you may enjoy having a master - servant relationship, in which case this may add some spice to things. But in reality one being promoted over the other could be particularly awkward, especially if you have to issue a particularly shitty job to him or vice versa.

  • If you try to keep things on the down low, the stress of sneaking around can add unwanted pressure to a fledgling relationship. Conversely, if you let all and sundry know that you’re an item it can bring unwanted attention and assumptions.

  • You will spend all your time with this guy. You’ll see him 40 hours per week at work and then after hours. Imagine dinner conversations:

“Honey, how was work?”

“Well you were there, you should know…moron”

  • When your boyfriend tells pussy stories at work – he’s talking about you!


  • You can car pool and save money
  • If you’re struggling with a piece of work, you can always borrow his.
  • You don’t need to sneak him past security so that you can hump on the boss’s desk.

  • You’ll always get your way in meetings with another person that has to back you up…or else you’ll withhold sex.
  • You’ll have someone to shag at the office Christmas function.
  • He cant use the excuse “I need to work late” if he’s having an affair.
  • You’ve always got someone to nail on work trips - no more trawling the hotel bar looking for beef.

As you can probably tell, Chuck can’t see a huge amount of upside in hooking up with a co-worker, there’s just too much that can go wrong. However, since we’re dealing with a matter of the heart and rational thinking tends to go out the window when your loins start to tingle, you’re probably going to press ahead and pursue this anyway, so it’s important to try to make an approach that allows you to see if he’s into you and covers your arse if he isn’t.

The easy angle is to go out on work drinks, both get intoxicated, bail him up in the corner of a bar and snog him. If he reciprocates, then you’ll have a fairly strong indication that he is interested (or horny). If he kisses you back but then later in the ensuing week suggests that he isn’t interested, you can pass it off as a drunken mistake. The downside to the drunken approach is that your toey-ness may get the better of you and you end up boning him – this isn’t so bad if he is interested in you, but if he isn’t, there is a strong chance that you’ll be Monday’s topic of the day in the office kitchen and it wont be because of the outstanding sales presentation you made last week if you know what Chuck means.

A completely left of centre idea is to wait until Christmas time rolls around. Most offices do a ‘Secret Santa’ where people secretly buy presents for others in the office. Now the person you are buying for is typically drawn from a hat. In this instance, you’ll need to be a bit sneaky and just buy an additional gift for this guy. You want to get something that suggests that you are interested in him and this should have the effect of getting him to start sniffing around the office trying to find out who the mystery shopper was. Chuck suggests subtlety and perhaps a little note indicating a level of interest. Try and avoid wrapping up a tube of KY and a thumping foot long dildo with a note saying “you – me stationary cupboard” as that may unsettle him.

If you’re prepared to put a little time and effort in, Chuck suggests that you try initiating lunches together once or twice per week. That way you can try the old “we were really good friends before anything happened” trick (which when Chuck thinks about it is probably one of the best ways to land yourself a long term partner anyway). During these lunches you can get to know him, talk about yourself and of course figure out whether or not he actually wants to run a length through you.

Once you have the lunches working, then you start working in the after hours drinks. At first you probably want to pull a few of the work crew along – safety in numbers after all. You need to evaluate his willingness to go along. If he is a raging alcoholic, you’ll soon find out because he’ll be the first guy to put up his hand. What Chuck means is that you need to start hinting that you’ll be in attendance and see if that sways him.

It’s easy to pump a few drinks into him, but a really skilled practitioner gets him to stick around once people start leaving and the numbers dwindle. Its when you can get him out on his own on a school night that you’ll really get a feel for him. Of course your work will likely suffer because you’ll be tired and hung over but most bosses will understand if you tell them you were trying to score some crank shaft.

If you get really desperate and he just isn’t getting the hint, then you need to start inviting him along to things that can easily be considered both dating and friendship events. The reason for this, is that if he is a moron and cant tell that you are keen on him, you can avoid losing face (both internally and in the office) by saying that they weren’t dates, it was just two friends hanging out. HOWEVER, these are also activities that easily allow the switch to be flicked. For example, a night at a comedy show can easily go from a ‘friends get together’ to a ‘date’ simply by sharing some laughs, a couple of drinks and a pizza. Before you know it, you’ll be pashing on while the comedian openly mocks you for cheap laughs.

The downside to the whole becoming friends first approach is that once he gets comfortable, if he isn’t really interested in you he’ll likely start crying on your shoulder about the woman who is currently treating him like he is treating you. He’ll be seeking advice and ego stroking from his new female BFF. If you had a set of testicles, this is what it would feel like to be kicked in them. The pain will be compounded significantly if his unrequited love happens to be the snotty bitch that sits across from you at work!

Or you could just ask the fucker out.