Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Law of the Jungle

Dear Madame Boodwah,

I hope all is well with you and Chuck. I have a tale of sexual woe to share with you today.

One boozy night in Spain, your correspondent found himself heading home with a young lady which inevitably progressed to bed. (This same young lady was Scottish, but I'm unsure if this had any bearing on the events to follow.)

Anyway, at some point during proceedings, it was suggested that our hero should look into trimming HIS downstairs garden if he hoped too see any further interest in this fairly interesting region.
Not next week, mind you, or tomorrow. Right then and there.
"Grab some scissors and I'll give you a hand,'' she offered.
Somewhat taken aback (and frankly a little offended that his personal grooming be called into question), this offer was refused.

It wasn't mentioned again and a mental note was made never to let this lunatic inside the house again, but it did pose a question:
Should modern men be attacking their groins with the indoors-equivalent of a hedge-trimmer, or more importantly, is this a reasonable request to make during the course of a one night stand?
It is one I may consider from say, a long-term girlfriend, but I thought it was a bit out of line to demand mere hours after meeting this would-be hairdresser.

She did however - the same night - ask later if there were any interesting vegetables to be found in the fridge which I might like to introduce into the bedroom, so there seems a fair chance she was completely bonkers.

Madame Boodwah your opinions please.

Gilby Bach.

Dearest Gilby Bach

What kind of ho’s are you nailing into these days?

Is she a Pubetician or a green grocer? Scuse the judgement but either way she’s definitely a professional of some kind. This Forest Ranger didn’t happen to set up a video camera on a tripod did she? Should I look out for a new porno called Gilby’s Deforestation? Or did she leave some cash for you at your bedside table? I taught you all you know, you were one of my star students in Dirty Scots and their Vegetables 101, where did I go wrong!?!

Madame Boodwah breaths in and Madame Boodwah breaths out.

Okay now that Madame Boodwah has had her little vent welcome to the jungle sweet correspondent of mine.

You’ve definitely posed an interesting question on grooming of the male genitalia that could possibly help the sex lives of our readers climb to new and forever reaching heights.

Should modern men be attacking their groins with the indoors-equivalent of a hedge trimmer?

Well it all depends on what kind of sex life you would like. Do you want the ol’ fella to look bigger than what it already does? Do you want some serious ball action without any hesitation? Do you want her to be magnetically attracted to your crown jewels with great enthusiasm whenever she sees it? Do you want her to worship it like it’s the second coming of Jesus? Then you are going to have to get out the whipper snipper.

It’s okay to have hair down there but if your sporting Whoppi Goldbergs dreadlocks it kind of puts a damper on things.

Put yourself in her position. How do you feel about licking a strangers hair brush or a full head of hair?

Ideally this is a discussion you want to save for a relationship or a consistent sexual arrangement as everyone does have different preferences. However if you are insistent that she gets a Brazilian then you should line up for one too as there is no ‘I’ in a relationship after all.

Is this a reasonable request to make during the course of a one night stand?

Although her question is quite forthcoming and you had every right to tell to mind her own minge she could also be possibly doing you a favour. How bad is your ball fro really?

I know it’s not your fault you’ve let your Bunning’s Tree Farm run wild as you did grow up in a state of Australia that is infamous for not waxing, shaving or trimming their neither regions. That goes for the females too although I hear Koala Ears in a bathing suit has since gone out of vogue.

As you are a man who doesn’t intend on settling down anytime soon a little downstairs manscaping wouldn’t go a stray, as it’s good for keeping the pubic enemies such as crabs at bay. Below are a few tips to get you started if you ever plan to go there.

I also found an interesting article in Cosmopolitan called ‘What His Down-There Grooming Says’ according to them you’re Totally Untamed.

I can see how bringing vegetables into a one night stand can be quite emasculating and a little crazy which is something that should be left for relationship sex if that’s her thing. Let this be a note to ladies: if you whip out the honey, cream or vegetables during your first night of sex expect to freak him out and never hear from him again. These are things that should be left for when your sex life is getting dull and needs to be spiced up.

Well Gilby I hope this helps. I look forward to future correspondence.

P.S. How’s the Reality Bytes yacht going? Like I’ve told you before I don’t mind if you want to bring girls back but keep out of the love den with the revolving bed and keep the stir fry action to the pan!


  1. Speaking of shaving balls...

  2. Gilby [no, not Sebastian] BachDecember 3, 2009 at 1:18 AM

    Gilby thanks you for your always enlightening views.

    I'm now sporting green n gold mohawk downstairs in support of the Wallabies' recent rugby series but this may change when footy season starts up again next year.

    The Reality Bytes yacht is current stuck in northern france which is bullshit as Gilby is pretty much anti-french in all aspects except pastries. Le dammit.