Sunday, November 8, 2009

I’m totally dogging you right now (Part 2)

Continued from

Chuck has never been one to ignore his instincts, but as a man of his word, Chuck was dutybound to help Vince and his girlfriend out with the hole digging. Chuck kissed Mrs. Long on his way out the door, being sure to give her the address that Vince had asked him to show up to in case he was the unwitting victim of a religious sect sacrifice.

The strange feeling that Chuck had experienced was only heightened when he pulled into the address that Vince had given him. The streetlights had disappeared about two kilometres ago and Chuck realized that he was now on a gravel road. As Chuck slowly maneuvered along the track, a property came into view with other vehicles parked loosely in the front of it. Chuck pulled into the driveway and slowly moved towards the house. Chuck was somewhat relieved at the presence of others, at least if he was going to be brutally murdered he would have the opportunity to meet some new people first.

The property was large and heavily wooded with a decent sized bonfire alight behind the house. Chuck parked his car, took one look at himself in the mirror and walked towards the bonfire. As Chuck drew nearer, he noticed a group of couples milling by a large ice chest. If Chuck was going to start digging holes in some random bush property, he may as well do so with a nice cold beer in his hand.

Chuck approached the group who all promptly looked him up and down and started whispering amongst themselves. Never one to be overly concerned by the slings and arrows of others, Chuck asked if anyone knew Vince. An older, somewhat haggard lady stepped forward holding a plastic champagne flute and wearing not much more than an oversized business shirt.

“Hi lovie, I’m Debra” she drawled in her most impressive sex kitten wannabe voice. “Vince is just finishing up in the shower, can I get you a drink?”

“Sure thing, beer please” offered Chuck keeping his eyes on the haggard woman and the drink she was getting him (making sure it wasn’t a GHB cocktail).

Debra dipped her hand in the ice chest and dragged out a beer for Chuck. Much to his relief she didn’t think to open it but did feel the need to saunter over and stand just a little too close to Chuck as she asked, “so have you done this with Vince before?”

“No, I hadn’t met Vince before last week actually.” Chuck said.

With this  information, Debra seemed to straighten and her core temperature appeared to increase by 5 degrees. She ran her finger down Chuck’s arm and said, “When you’re finished helping Vince, I could definitely take some assistance from a strong man like you.”

Chuck suppressed his urge to vomit and looked eagerly for Vince’s somewhat familiar face. While scanning the group of people, he noticed that the number of people had swollen. Out of nowhere Vince appeared at Chuck’s side, anxiously shuffling around like a small child on Christmas morning.

“Hey Chuck, I’m so glad you made it” Vince said excitedly.

Chuck regretfully replied, “I’m a man of my word”

“Yeah cool, so do you want to get started?” asked Vince clearly not really listening to Chuck.

“Ok” said Chuck

Vince grabbed a beer for himself and then shouted “oi” to get the crowds attention.

“So ummm welcome everyone, thanks for coming out to my place,  errrr, ummmmm, I really appreciate it. Everyone has their groups sorted out so, you know, get your shit and do what you need to do. The toilet and shower is in the house and there’s some drinks in the ice chest” said Vince who clearly had not attended any form of toastmaster’s class.

At this, smaller groups broke off, some heading for their cars while others wandered off into the tree line.

Chuck stood there shaking his head. Was Vince digging a fucking moat around his property? Was this some weird medieval fighting group building their own castle?

As the crowd dispersed, Chuck noticed Vince’s girlfriend heading towards him.

She sauntered past, and said to Chuck in a whisper “thanks for dressing up tonight”. With that she headed towards a parked hatchback and climbed in.

Chuck looked down at his outfit of work boots, old shorts and a singlet and wondered what the hell she was on about. Chuck took another pull of his beer as Vince jogged over.

“Ok Chuck, I’ll drive my car out and if you want to follow us we’ll get to work over there. At any stage, if you want to have a crack, just jump in ok?” said Vince pointing off into the distance and moving off towards the car that his girlfriend got into.

Relieved at the opportunity to spend as little time as possible with these people Chuck finished his beer, crushed the can and looked for a recycling bin. Vince started up his car and Chuck began slow walking towards them. The headlights came on and the car gingerly moved off. Chuck was able to keep up with Vince on foot but after about 100 metres Vince accelerated and took off. Chuck followed the lights of the car and was able to see it stop further off into the distance. Vince kept the car lights on so that Chuck could find their location.

The 10 minute stroll gave Chuck plenty of time to question why the fuck he was out in the middle of nowhere at 8 o’clock at night helping some random New Zealander dig holes on his property with a bunch of weirdos.

Before Chuck was able to come up with an answer, Vince’s headlights were turned off. As Chuck approached the vehicle, using only moonlight to guide his way, he noticed the hatch back of the car open. Chuck moved closer towards the car and was suddenly struck by what he encountered. Chuck crept forward to see Vince absolutely pounding his girlfriend who had her legs akimbo and was holding onto the seatbelts for dear life.

Chuck applauded the young couple for succumbing to their desire and turned, sat down and leant against a tree to allow their privacy. At the best of times Chuck is a patient guy, but when you’re doing another bloke a favour on a Saturday night, patience wears a little thin. After 5 minutes of relentless pumping Chuck finally gave off a loud cough to signal his presence. This did not have the desired effect as Vince’s girlfriend started moaning and Vince employed his best porn star dialogue; “oh yeah, oh yeah, how do you like that?”

Chuck coughed again which again did not have the desired effect as the couple’s frenzy appeared to double.

The noise settled somewhat and Vince called out to Chuck “hey Chuck, do you want to give us a hand?”

Chuck, thinking that the activity was over and now somewhat pissed off stood up and headed towards the car. As Chuck approached he realized that Vince was standing naked at full attention with his girlfriend still splayed out in the back of the car looking longingly at Chuck

“Alright Vince, what the fuck is going on?” Chuck said angrily.

“Do you want to get in mate? I’m keen to have a look,” replied Vince.

Flattered by the offer but happily married and not a fan of sloppy seconds, Chuck asked again “What’s going on Vince”

“It’s dogging” said Vince

“There’s no fucking digging going on here Vince,” laughed Chuck.

‘What do you mean, this IS dogging” countered Vince.

“Chuck hasn’t seen a shovel all night Vince” said Chuck.

Now it was Vince’s turn to look confused “shovel?”

“Yeah for all this hole digging we’re supposed to be doing” continued Chuck.

By now, Vince’s girlfriend had lowered her legs and put her top back on. She was giggling out of control.

Both Vince and Chuck looked at her and said “WHAT?”

Vince’s girlfriend stammered through her giggles “he thought we were digging. D.i.g.g.i.n.g”

Vince scratched his head as he looked back to Chuck (he was no longer at full attention). “Aww Chuck, there’s been a bit of a mix up” said Vince.

“It would appear so, what have you gotten me into here” asked Chuck.

An embarrassed Vince offered “umm, fuck Chuck, this is the SDA… State Dogging Association”

Vince’s girlfriend smiled broadly and said “D.O.G.G.I.N.G”

“Fuck me Vince, Chuck thought it was your New Zealand accent and that you were saying digging” smiled Chuck.

“I’m from Melbourne mate,” said Vince in a deadpan tone.

“Well I’m sure you’ll let Chuck slide on that after this wont you?” asked Chuck. “So what the hell is dogging anyway?” continued Chuck.

Vince reached down to his pants that were now around his ankles and pulled out his wallet. From his wallet, Vince took out a folded piece of paper that had a web link on it:

Chuck patted his chest and pockets and sarcastically said to Vince “Chuck doesn’t have a computer in his pocket Vince, how about a summary”

A now dejected Vince started mumbling something incoherently and was soon overrun by his girlfriend who said, “dogging is a broad term that encompasses all sorts of sexual activities that go on outside, including voyeurism and even gang bangs”.

A surprised Chuck exhaled deeply and said “well there you go, you learn something new everyday.”

Vince’s girlfriend reclined back in the hatchback , looked at Chuck, spread her legs and breathlessly asked “are you ready for your turn big boy”.

Chuck looked at the flaccid Vince, smiled and turned away, saying as he left “Chuck’s seen enough of your hole to last a life time”.

Without turning to see or hear her response, Chuck briskly walked back to his car praying to God that it started on the first try and more importantly, that he didn’t bump into Debra.

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