Monday, November 30, 2009

Married with Children


I have a quick etiquette question and it’s quite timely following on from your wedding situation of last week. I was at a wedding last weekend and got talking to a woman who was married with 2 kids but her husband had decided to stay home instead of coming to the wedding. Unless I’m mistaken she was clearly flirting. What’s the rule about making a play for this woman?


Dear Randy,

What is it about weddings that brings out all the freak shows?

Ok, so a married mother of two has come on to you and you want to know if you are free to plough her? Well considering the weekend has passed you are sending in this question for a number of reasons:

A) You already carved her up, feel a little guilty and are seeking absolution from the church of Reality Bytes

B) You didn’t pound it but got her number and are considering putting in a booty call

C) You took the moral high ground (or so you thought) and turned her down but are now wondering if you made the right decision.

First of all, doesn’t this whole situation once again reaffirm Chuck’s stance that weddings are like a narrow river crossing in the African savannah? The wildebeest all begin to gather at the shore line and once one breaks, they all go into the water making a beeline for the other side. Unbeknownst to them, the predators have already scoped the situation out and lay in wait. As the wildebeest begin to wallow, the crocodiles and lions move in, quickly and deftly picking off their prey with minimal effort or exertion.

Jesus, can chuck throw together a metaphor or what? For those of you who don’t follow, what Chuck is trying to say is: weddings are a good place to find some action.

Anyway, for the most part, Chuck would suggest that hooking up with a married mother of two is probably not in your best interests. There is just so much baggage and bad karma and it is sure to come back to bite you. Chuck’s assuming your intentions were less than pure and you were merely looking to run a length. The marriage and children just add wrinkles that you don’t want to have to think about.

While dipping your wick in a yummy mummy is a fantasy of many blokes, the potential to cause havoc is just too high, and do you want that on your conscience? Say you poke mum and dad finds out, best case scenario is they get divorced leaving 2 kids in a split parenting situation. Worst case scenario, he flies into a rage and kills the whole clan because he can’t bare the thought of having a tainted wife. Even worse case scenario, he comes looking for you which wont be too hard to do considering that he knows where you met and can easily cross reference a guest list.

If you fall into category (A) above and you’ve already planted your seed in her loins, Chuck would advise you to donate 20 bucks to some child welfare charity and say a Hail Mary. At the end of the day, you’re both adults; probably had a few drinks and one thing led to another. Mistakes happen and you’ll be fine. Now, it’s a bit different if you saw her early in the day, went and got a reference from someone in the joint (i.e. – found out who knew her and got all the key information you needed in order to determine your approach), was told that she was a married mother of two whose husband wasn’t around and then proceeded to make moves on her all night. That’s a bit dodgy and you’ll likely get a dirty great mouth ulcer as karmatic pay back.

Category B is a huge mistake and Chuck would advise you to steer well clear of entertaining such thoughts. A one off dalliance at a wedding is one thing. Actively trying to hook it up with a woman with a husband and kids is playing with fire. Nothing good can come from it other than a cheap thrill and the destruction of a nuclear family. If you’re interested in simply boning this woman, surely there are easier and less damaging targets? Unless this woman was a doppelganger of Heidi Klum, you surely don’t need to be chasing a woman with kids for some action? Take comfort that an attractive woman found you interesting and appealing enough to give you her number and leave it at that. The best approach in this situation would be to put her look, smell and feel in your wank memory bank and lock her in there for future reference.

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