Sunday, November 1, 2009

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? ~ Source Unknown

Dear Chuck,

I am writing to you asking for another precious pearl of wisdom...you have not failed me yet so I’m expecting some A grade material...let me divulge my issue...

I have been dating a lovely lass for almost 10 months now...during that time we have had our fair share of blow ups (standard male/female disagreements) but all in all have been enjoying a great relationship...the problem is that she is expecting big things for our 1 year anniversary...I am really at a loss on what ideas/presents/gifts etc that I may be able to come up with...

Unbeknown as to your current status, but I am sure that you are never with out a piece of candy on your well sculpted arm...

Are you able to help a little battler out with some ideas for our 1 year anniversary please? Keep in mind I am a run of the mill 9 to 5er on a modest wage! Any suggestions that will keep my missus and my wallet happy would be much appreciated...I am sure that I am not the only one in this situation...

Keep up the great work...

Yours,

Magic

Dear Magic,

Great to hear from you again. Nothing like a little repeat business from time to time. For those of you not up to date with all the happenings at Reality Bytes, this was Magic’s last dilemma:

http://realitybytes101.blogspot.com/2009/09/browning-your-meat.html

So you’ve got yourself an anniversary coming up? In this day and age where people jump in and out of marriages as frequently as they have their cars serviced (every six months or 10,000kms), it’s a testament to anyone who can string a year together. Congratulations! Chuck can definitely help you out here although you could have saved yourself the trouble and just googled ‘anniversary gifts’ for a better idea of what to buy each year, especially if you are a traditionalist and like to follow societal norms. Anyway for easy reference, Chuck’ll spell it out for you:

1st Wedding Anniversary: Paper

2nd Wedding Anniversary: Cotton

3rd Wedding Anniversary: Leather

4th Wedding Anniversary: Fruit or flowers

5th Wedding anniversary: Wood (Chuck’s favourite)

6th Wedding Anni…..

Hold on a fucking minute, Chuck just re read your question and noticed the word ‘DATING’ before ‘1 year anniversary! Fuck Chuck with a run up and no lube Magic, you’ve got to be kidding?

You’ve been dating a chick for less than a year and you’re sweating the technique on a gift for your first year of dating? Please tell Chuck that you didn’t have special dinners for the first week, first month, 3-month and 6-month anniversaries too? That shit stops by the time you turn 20 - unless of course you are a chronic premature ejaculator in which case you should probably hold a celebration for every day a woman stays with you!

Ok, the first order of business here is to temper her expectations a little…or a lot. Look, you know Chuck is an old romantic at heart and that it’s always nice to acknowledge relationships, its just that celebrating dating anniversaries is kind of high school, unless of course you plan on being life partners or less classier – de facto’s*. Then you’ll have no wedding anniversary to celebrate, which is no big deal since you don’t care about the person enough to marry them.

*is there any more white trash sounding expression than de facto? “hi, this is my de facto Mick, we’ve been together since we met in a methadone treatment facility”

You state in your email that she is expecting big things. If you’re at 10 months, you have another 60 days to totally kill the mojo around this upcoming anniversary. Be careful however young soldier as you’ll need to play this perfectly - anniversaries are sensational opportunities for blowjobs! If you kill the vibe and underplay it too much, she wont be smoking your pole on the big night.

You can definitely try talking to her about the significance of the event but that’s probably going to go down like a lead fart. If she has her heart set on all the bells and whistles, she probably isn’t going to change course at this late stage. Young man, you really should have taken control of this a long time ago! Let Chuck present you with some options:

Option 1: A sure fire way to dodge all of this trouble is to break up with her. Don’t be a classless ass and do it the day before or worse yet the day of your anniversary. Drop the hammer on her at the 11-month mark and use the hype that she is creating around the one-year anniversary as your excuse.

You – “you are really putting a lot of emphasis on this 1 year anniversary stuff and I just feel totally pressured”

Her – “well I love you and I want to celebrate”

You – “I need some time to get my head straight and figure things out”

You then stay in touch until the anniversary has passed and hook back up again but under new terms and conditions, specifically that it is less full on. FYI – the dating clock resets once you break up.

Option 2: This one’s going to hurt. You need to walk out in traffic during peak hour and get hit by a car. Chuck knows that that seems a little extreme but hang with Chuck on this. You really only need to break a leg or perhaps suffer some internal bleeding. You have to hurt yourself enough to have an ambulance show up. The ambulance really is the key, it gives credibility to your story that you had a near death experience.

So the next part of the story is that while you were in the ambulance heading to hospital, believing that you were not going to see the night through, you had an epiphany. Your life is so materialistic and full of objects and actions that provide no true meaning. Then and there you made a vow to change your ways. You will strip away all of the bullshit and live life in a minimalistic fashion.

If you’re the sort of guy who buys $80 ties and is happy to eat out every night of the week you may be cutting off your nose to spite your face. You really only need to keep this up for 3 months or so and then you can say that you realized that you deserve the finer things in life or that you just couldn’t argue with the price of the Playstation 3 you saw on sale.

Option 3: Pretend that you’ve gone bankrupt or better yet, start heading to the racetrack every week. With about 2 weeks to go before the anniversary, tell her that you need to talk and spin this tale:

You – “Honey, you know how much I love you”

Her – (beaming at your unfettered emotions) “yes I do sweetie”

You – “and you know that we have our one year anniversary coming up which I am so looking forward to”

Her – (thinking that you are about to propose) “oh yes, I’m the luckiest girl on earth”

At this point, bow your head and poke yourself in the eye or subtly whack yourself in the nose. This will serve to make your eyes water. Then look up into her hope filled eyes

You – “because I love you so much (sniffle sniffle) I need to tell you something”

Her – “what is it?”

You – “I’m a degenerate gambler and I’ve pissed all my money away. I’m so ashamed of myself but more importantly, I’m embarrassed that I can’t buy you what you deserve for our anniversary.”

Her – “oh sweetie, its ok, we’ll work through this and we’ll figure it all out”

You – “can I borrow a hundy?”

Chuck’s kidding with that last line.

Anyway, that exchange will get you out of the whole anniversary present buying thing but will likely land you in a stint at gamblers anonymous (which may in fact help you land some red hot tips, especially with the Melbourne Cup fast approaching).

Option 4: If it’s going to break her heart if you don’t do something for her, then let Chuck suggest a surprise bunch of flowers delivered to her work, followed by dinner at a surprise location. The whole surprise stuff carries significant weight for blokes because women see that as you going to great lengths to organize something. The surprise factor makes it look like you’ve spent countless hours organizing and planning the evening out when in fact what you’ve likely done is walk around your office asking co-workers if they know of any decent florists and then flicked through the newspaper to see which restaurant just got rated reasonably highly and how it’s priced. Whatever – it’s the thought that counts.

For a one year dating anniversary you probably want to drop 50 bones on the flowers – make sure that they get delivered to reception at her work, not some maintenance dispatch office. The receptionist is significantly more likely to rush the flowers to your girl than the crusty old refrigeration mechanic who is waiting on a delivery of nuts and bolts and may in fact knock your flowers off and present them to his long suffering missus. Additionally the receptionist will make a massive issue, letting all of her coworkers see that the flowers are for your girlfriend and you will be elevated to legendary status amongst her female work mates (and despised by their boyfriends / husbands)

You could definitely keep dinner to around $150 (DO NOT let Chuck hear that you took a coupon book out on a dinner date with your girlfriend – you do that shit when your married, mired in debt, have 6 children or are retired). If it’s a surprise dinner you can sell the dream a little heavier if you dictate that she needs to wear something nice in her wardrobe (this will require you actually taking inventory of what she owns. Suggesting “jeans and a top” is poor form) as it’ll make her feel special and once again sell that you’ve really thought all this through.

So there you have it, you’ve just take care of a one-year anniversary for 200 bucks.

Now if you have a spare $50 - $80 bucks lying around, sneak through her underwear draw, figure out her cup size and buy her a racy set of under duds. This is guaranteed to bring the house down because a guy knowing his woman’s boob size is a massive point scorer. She’ll think you’re the second coming of Tom Ford (only straight). In all honesty, the present is totally a gift for you; after all, you want her looking tiptop when she’s gumming your plums!

4 comments:

  1. I must, I must, increase my bust.November 2, 2009 at 6:59 AM

    Oh Chuck, you make me laugh. x

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  2. Chuck - yet again you have provided outstanding and speedy advice to digest...I will report back to you with the results...If I take option 2, I am fearful that I will lose my job as well as my girlfriend...any tips on how to get hit by a tram and still be able to make it to work by Monday???

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  3. Chuck is it possible to buy a decent tie for under $80?

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  4. The cheaper option may be Rohypnol. How much does a tab go for on the street these days Chuck?

    Lead into the evening the same way, start at a nice bar for a (spiked) warm up drink... carry her home and skip the dinner. In the morning feel hurt that she can't remember the gorgeous 5 course meal and fine champagne.

    You'd probably still need to get teh flowers though.

    ReplyDelete