Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Three in a bed and the lesbian said...

Dear Madame Boodwah

I’m a first time emailer, long time reader. I know you and Chuck are great at helping heterosexuals but I thought I’d see if you could help a lesbian love triangle except one of them is a man.

See I’m not your stereotypical looking lesbian I’m what you call a ‘Lipstick Lesbian’.
The other night I was at inner city club when I saw this beautiful long legged brunette (who’ll we’ll call Leggy Sue) I was attracted to but it was clear to me she wasn’t a lesbian as she had this dude with her, a much older dude. I eventually mingled my way over to chat to them and worked out that he was married to someone else and they were having an affair.

After getting pissed and friendly with both of them we headed back to her apartment for more drinks and before you know it one thing lead to a threesome.
I may be a lesbian and I don’t mind a bit of sausage once in a blue moon on a purely physical basis but he had the ugliest wanger (who we’ll call Crinkle Dick) I’d ever seen so I avoided it somehow throughout the whole entanglement.

Eventually we all passed out. When I wake up in the morning with a thumping hangover I feel this hand running over my body. I turn around and see Crinkle Dick glaring at me with a big smile and gooey eyes. Leggy Sue woke up and saw what was going on. She was as mad as hell and stormed out of the room. I told them I better go and then he suggested that he come back to mine. I told him to fuck off and I quickly called a taxi. Leggy Sue and Crinkle Dick started having a fight and he was talking to her like shit so I made a quick exit as the taxi had arrived.

I jump in the taxi when out of know of where Crinkle Dick hops in the other side and asks if I could drop him off at his place. I think he must of had some pingers because he started stroking my hand and looking at me with gooey eyes and a big smile again. I looked at him and said ‘Mate, I’m a fucking dyke. What don’t you get?’ and with that I kicked him out of the cab.

However the saga didn’t stop there. Somehow during the night I stupidly exchanged numbers with both of them. Later on that day I thought of Leggy Sue and how I felt she could do so much better with someone like me. I wrote ‘Thanks for last night. You could do so much better than that loser. If you’re ever up for something like that again let me know but can we choose a better guy?’ The text was a big, BIG mistake as she forwarded it to Crinkle Dick and then Crinkle Dick forwarded it to me saying how hurt he was and tried laying on a massive guilt trip.

So Madame Boodwah ‘woman of the world’ I really want Leggy Sue but how do I get rid of Crinkle Dick?
Lipstick Leso

Dear Lipstick Leso

This reminds me of an episode in South Park when Cartman and the boys become obsessed with their new lesbian teacher. The boys are told she is a lesbian but they have no idea on what it means although they desperately try to be one. The scene starts where Carl walks into the room to see Cartman licking the living room carpet.

‘What the hell are you doing Cartman?’ asks Stan.

‘My mom says if you want to become a lesbian you have to lick carpet’ replies Cartman.

So dude my point is no matter how much carpet you get her to try and lick she will never be a Lesbian just like you’re never going to be a straighty 180.

I think this is the most interesting love triangle gone wrong I’ve ever come across and quite frankly you’re all nut jobs.

You love munching carpet. She doesn’t. I think you knew she would never go home with you alone and the only way you could your tongue in was by having a ménage a trios and it was made easier from her inebriated state.

She ain’t ever going to love you sister and will more than likely despise you for the rest of her days as the man she wants is now is infatuated with you.

From now on stick to women who you know are lesbians. As you should know people don’t wake up and think hmmm I think I’m going to be a lesbian today except in Chako Paul City. A Swedish mythical town of sex mad lesbians where “many of the town’s female residents became lesbians because they could not suppress their sexual needs”

Sure people can be married for 20 years then come out but she’s a girl with a low self-esteem trying to keep ‘her man’ happy (although who knows why) and is not in the closet waiting to jump out.

The best response is no response. I think you should cut both ties from both parties. Never respond or text either them again! And stick to other women you know are lesbians!

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