Monday, November 23, 2009

Excess Baggage (Part 3)

Started here:

Continued from:
One of the group members let out a shriek, causing everyone but Chuck to jump in surprise. A stunned silence followed as the women stared at Chuck’s diagram and tried to decipher the numbers, dashes and symbols. Sensing the apprehension in the room, Chuck declared that it was time for another drink break. This time however he signalled for his assistant to break out the wine glasses and a couple of bottles of white to settle the nerves and ease the learning.

Chuck worked on his presentation notes and after 5 minutes decided it was time to call the group to order. As he looked up, he noticed the entire group was sitting in their places, wine glasses in hand, waiting with baited breath for him to continue his teachings. Chuck chuckled, took a sip of his wine and began:

“Ladies, as Chuck mentioned, the Pyramid of Pussy Possibility is not a set of rules that makes or breaks your decisions. Think of this diagram as a tool to help you make educated decision. You all know that when under duress people’s decision making ability can be impaired. The key is to learn a set of principles that no matter how hot and bothered you get in the panty region, you can always fall back on to help you from making a poor decision or entering into a bad situation”

As Chuck spoke, the group was burning through their notebook pages trying to get everything down. One of the members, Lydia* had even broken out her laptop to capture it all.

*Name changed to protect the identity of the class member.

“An important thing to consider is that Chuck is making the assumption that the majority of you are chasing blokes who are in your age range. The Pyramid doesn’t work so well if you are hunting a different pack”

“So we start at the bottom of the pyramid here,” Chuck said as he drew a line inside the pyramid sectioning off the bottom part. Inside this section Chuck wrote <28 and drew a smiley face. “Right, so this section is applicable to women 28 years and younger”. All of the women looked up from their notes. “Basically if you are in this section you have no business whatsoever dating a bloke with a child. It is as simple as that.”

Chuck had just finished his sentence when the youngest member of the group – Domenica* asked worriedly “How come?”

*Name changed to protect the identity of the class member.

“Domenica, Chuck’s not the sort of guy to tease, please let Chuck continue” said Chuck soothingly.

“Sorry” came Domenica’s sheepish reply.

“When Chuck looks around this room, he sees young, talented ladies with their whole lifes ahead of them. At under the age of 28, you deserve attention, love, passion and free spirit. You don’t need to be encumbered by the stress and strain that a child that isn’t yours brings to a fledgling relationship. On top of that, you are young enough that you can bounce around until you find the right man, without having to worry about excess baggage. Furthermore, you are in an age range where your love interests are unlikely to have children so you can be pickier. That’s why on the pyramid, you have the biggest slice. The possibility of having your pussy serviced is extremely high as you have a bigger gene pool of men to fish from”. Chuck paused to let it sink in.

Domenica smiled, she was one of the lucky ones.

“The only way you can screw this up is by stepping outside of your banding” Chuck warned. “If you are 25 and choose to chase 45 year old codgers then Chuck cannot guide you as smoothly on the topic”. Conversely ladies, if you are 45 yourself, you can avoid the child phenomenon by dipping into this pool but you sacrifice some of the other important relationship criteria (like maturity) by doing so. Mind you there will be less erectile dysfunction so if you’re only after beef, dive in”

A couple of the older class members smiled coyly while others sat forward in their chairs, anxiously waiting to see where they would sit on Chuck’s pyramid.

“Onto section two” Chuck said as he placed another line across the pyramid above the <28 section. Chuck wrote in 28 – 35. The ladies 36 and above slumped back into their seats. “In section 2, we are moving up the pyramid and with the move the pool of available men is decreasing. In this section, you can consider a dude with a kid, but you are to keep him on a strict leash and cut things off at the first sign of trouble. You still have the freedom to explore in this range and there are still men out there who are single and have not been married although the numbers have begun to dwindle. If you have desires to have your own children you still have time on your side”.

The possibility of having your pussy serviced is high and there are still quality, untainted men out there for the taking – however, as you creep closer to the top of this age range, you are going to run into more and more fellas with offspring.”

Chuck scratched his head and allowed the ladies to catch up on their note-taking.

Turning back to the board, he inserted another line into the pyramid and wrote in 35 – 40. The ladies in this age range knew where things were headed by now.

“Right, if you’re looking for love in this section of the pyramid, it is almost inevitable that you will have to date a guy who has kids and who is either married or previously married. If you do stumble across a guy in this bracket without children you need to be extremely sceptical. He is likely to either be a rock star who has fathered 15 illegitimate children, a millionaire playboy with no interest in a long term relationship or a total social miscreant who still lives with his mother and likely writes a blog”.

“Present company excluded, I hope” asked Holly*

*Name changed to protect the identity of the class member.

“Of course” laughed Chuck as he noticed one or two of the women looking strangely at him.

“There is some upside to this group, however” said Chuck, raising the spirits amongst that age group. “Sure the blokes you are dating are likely to have kids but the kids will likely be in the 5-12 range which means they are manageable and you may be able to get to know them before hormones ravage their body and they start to become walking time bombs. Additionally blokes in this bracket are mature and are settling into their careers.”

“Of course any money they make goes towards maintenance so you’ll be going on a lot of ‘romantic picnics’ featuring bread and cheese” warned Chuck as the life got sucked back out of the room.

‘So that brings us to the tip of the pyramid ladies – the 40+ section” said Chuck as Patty the 65 year old smiled on. “In this section there is no way that you’re finding a guy without a kid unless he was a former priest who lost faith in God (and who wants a dude with no faith?) or George Clooney.”

There are a couple of ways to look at this continued Chuck. 1) If you are single yourself and have never been married, you’re headed towards being a spinster so unless you enjoy the company of cats, you can’t be picky and need to tolerate the presence of kids. 2) in this bracket you’ve likely been married before or at least in a long term relationship, you probably have a solid career and other than a new man you are content with your life. You can actually afford to be picky and wait for the right dude to come along. If his kids give you the shits fuck them off and move on. 3) You are totally in the cougar demographic so right now the youth market is hot for you and you can have the dust knocked off it on a needs basis.
Patty raised her hand in the air.

“Yes Patty?” said Chuck

“I know I’m older and perhaps not as bright, but my bracket and probably the first one sound the best” offered Patty.

“Well, when you break it down, you are absolutely right. There is a lot less pressure and decision making required in the top and bottom sections.” Chuck agreed.

Sandy, the young lady who had started the whole topic reached for her bag and grabbed her phone. Chuck’s assistant called out across the room to say, “Errr Sandy, we asked that all phones are kept off during the session.” Chuck raised his hand towards his assistant politely, confident that he knew what Sandy was about to do.

“I was just going to text my boyfriend and dump him, after all that I’m not interested in competing with the kids” said Sandy unsure whether she should proceed.

Before Chuck could admonish Sandy for communicating via text, Abbie* asked in a confused voice “You cant dump someone by text can you Chuck?”

*Name changed to protect the identity of the class member.

A weary Chuck offered a smile and said “that’s next weeks topic.”

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