Tuesday, November 24, 2009

It’s not me, it’s you

Dear Chucky, 

Dumping in the modern age: theory/query

Online dating has compounded the issue of rejecting people. In general men rarely have to dump a girl since we're programmed to expect a fade
(guy stops calling/texting or show signs of slowing contact, you boil his bunny a little then drop it, chase over, cry, drink, eat, next! 
 Seems to me boys often think it's their choice, they do the right thing, treat a girl well, everyone's getting on, then there should be no reason for the girl to lose interest (since all we're really waiting for is a 'decent' guy mental enough to marry us!!).

It's harder for a girl to implement a standard issue victimless fade without some resistance. How do you get rid of a guy after a few dates? There's no glaring issue, just no spark. I don't want to be having the 'I'm just not feeling it George/Joe/Merlin' chat every time I go on a couple of dates, guys don't have to do it. So, I guess I want permission from the authorities to take an easy out and text my lack of interest. How many dates in can you get away with a text dumping if the guy is oblivious to your attempts at a polite fade?

Dumping text suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I once used
'welcome to dumpsville... population you' but that only works on a die-hard Simpsons fan. 


F. Ade.

Dear F,

Poor you, it sounds like you have a real conundrum. Fortunately, you let your fingers do the talking and you typed your issues to the one brain that can really help you – Chuck Long.

First things first, Chuck’s a little troubled by your willingness to accept the ‘fade out’, as you so eloquently put it, like it is standard operating procedure in the dating world. This is yet another example of women compromising their values and allowing themselves to be treated like schmucks.  Chuck is only too happy to tell you that it’s a bullshit act performed by men unaccustomed to any form of decorum. Look at it this way, if you paid your hard earned dollars to a cleaner to come in and put the spit and polish on your apartment and then for no apparent reason they just stopped showing up with no explanation, would you just accept that? Of course not, you’d put numerous calls in and investigate why the hell they jacked it in (they either finished pawning off your valuables or found your place riddled with asbestos). So don’t put up with it from a bloke who used to put the spit and polish on you.

Why the fuck would you allow some dude to wander off on you with no rhyme or reason? If you’re a psychotic nut case, wouldn’t you rather be told in an upfront and frank conversation so that you can seek the appropriate medical attention? Turn dumpings into self-improvement sessions Chuck says!

So ‘fade outs’ should not be accepted. Does that mean YOU can’t do it?

Well Chuck never says never. If your flavour of the month demonstrates looneybin tendencies then a fade out is well within your rights – in fact, if the dude is a total nut sundae, you may have to employ the old ‘flashbang’ where you disappear suddenly, including changing addresses and phone numbers so that you can never be found again. Faking your own death is probably the most extreme example of a flash bang but also the most highly effective, especially if you can finagle some way of getting your own life insurance money. It worked for Elvis!

Since all the kids are doing it, it’s important for Chuck to put some guidelines around text message dumping. In case you haven’t picked it, Chuck is a huge fan of face-to-face communication or at least over the phone (preferably with you doing the dirty, not a roped-in girlfriend).  But, we live in an age where text messaging is an accepted form of interaction and Chuck doesn’t want to come off as a curmudgeon.

If you’re the type of chick who dates sporadically and takes a considered approach to finding a bloke then you’re probably less inclined to use text to perform the euthanasia. Judging from your email however, it sounds as if you power through blokes on RSVP.com like you get a free one for every 10 you date. When you’re trading in bulk sausage, it can get tiresome delivering the same message. You could get totally get radical and become the ‘Black Widow” of RSVP and start knocking these blokes off as the ultimate dumping – “I didn’t enjoy dating you so I’ll kill you instead”. Imagine the effect that would have on the dating scene. Do you think any guy would ever not call a woman back again if they thought there was a chance they’d get whacked? Fuck, you could do women the world over a massive favour if you took this approach.

Anyway, lets set some ground rules:

Appropriate scenarios to dump a guy via text

  • Never kissed (this is void if the bloke has a nasty case of herpes and he’s been waiting for it to die down before smooching you). If you have not locked lips with a guy, you’re still officially associates. If you’ve gone on multiple dates and still not kissed, then you are friendly (and one or both of you has no game). Either way, you have no obligation to dump him face to face or by phone.

  • He does something dumb on the date. Examples include getting extremely drunk, inviting friends along, doing a runner from a taxi, asking you to pay for the meal, pissing on the street. Basically if he is a fuckwit, you can text dump him.
  • If he reveals that he’s a Mormon.

  • He mentions marriage, kids, you meeting his parents or talks incessantly about his ex.
  • He invites you back to his place and instead of putting the moves on you; he smokes a bong, puts on his favourite tracksuit pants and cues up the Big Lebowski on DVD.

And that’s it.

Anything above and beyond that, you’re obligated to call my friend. It’s the decent thing to do.


Pull the flash bang text. Here’s how you do it:

Send him a text saying “HEL……”

He’ll immediately bolt for your place in a desperate bid to save you. While he’s in transit, splash kerosene throughout your house and set it alight.
Quietly grab your passport and duck out to New Zealand for 6-12 months. In that time he’ll have grieved and moved on (unless you’re a dynamo in the sack in which case he’ll be visiting your burned out home every Friday at 2pm).

If you’re ever questioned by the authorities, just say your text was meant to say ‘HELLO form New Zealand’ but you dropped your phone and the text was sent unfinished.

Fool proof


  1. Good tips, good tips. Bullet point 1 applies so I'm off the moral hook. For the record it doesn't really annoy me too much if I get a fade after a date or 2. No point in seeking out some lame lie about why he doesn't think you're compatible, if you met him online he's probably just enjoying the smorgasbord so no real mystery to solve. If I was getting the fade every time I might run a quick questionaire by them (girls with clipboards are hot so it that could have additional benefits).

    I know you're old school but online dates are different because you generally assume there's a few players on the field and the game is fickle with shady rules, just have to keep your guard way up. Rsvp provides a good back-up when your hopeless male friends don't have any dateable men to offer up... you feelin' me Chuck?

    Thanks boss.

    It's Wednesday btw, have I earnt another stint in your doghouse yet?

  2. Thanks for the clarification. But a friend of mine firmly believes that a text is OK if you haven't had a go at the no pants dance together. Whaddya reckon?