Sunday, January 31, 2010

Skinning a Beaver


Chuck,

I read with interest your post about the chick who hated her boyfriend’s hairy back (http://realitybytes101.blogspot.com/2010/01/skinning-grizzly.html)
How do you tackle a girl with a hairy bush?

Bill


Bill,

Chuck’s getting older, and as he ages, he sees more and more trends and fads swinging back into popularity. Recently the kids went through a big 80’s craze with old school Rayban sunglasses, short shorts, ugly fucking skirts and way too much fluorescent clothing. The minute the clock struck midnight on January 1st 2010, Chuck started to hear about the 90’s making a return which was confirmed when Soundgarden announced they were reuniting. You’re probably wondering why Chuck is crapping on about trends coming back around? Well, in recent times pubic maintenance has been a really big issue with waxing, trimming and shaving being a popular activity amongst the younger set. Chuck vividly remembers setting up a shrine to the Hindu God of pubic hair and praying relentlessly for his first hair to start sprouting. The thought of removing that bastard once it made an appearance was heresy. Nowadays, the kids are whipping their trouser hair off at such a rate that school swimming carnivals are seeing records shattered at alarming rates due to the reduced drag in the pools.

Anyway, with hair removal or maintenance almost becoming an every day occurrence, it makes sense that the fashion of the 70’s and 80’s would come back around and we’d start to see grossly overgrown pubic patches popping up all over the city. Chuck thought that Spandau Ballet and Tears For Fears reuniting and touring was the bottom of the recycled fad barrel, but having sat and envisioned a feral bush  (and then had the feeling that a pube was lodged in the back of Chuck’s throat), Chuck has decided that that is a movement that needs to be quashed.

Now, don’t get Chuck wrong, this isn’t going to be a rant about women’s downstairs maintenance. All comments delivered today are 100% applicable to males.

Righto, first things first, you need to make sure that any woman that you want to discuss hedge trimming with doesn’t suffer from hirsutism. According to Wikipedia, this is an affliction that results in excessive and increased hair growth in parts of the body where terminal hair does not normally occur. It is a symptom rather than a disease. You cannot be bagging a woman’s unkempt snatch if she is unknowingly suffering from congenital adrenal hyperplasia.

Looking at the glamour shot above, you’d have to be a bit of a fuckwit not to notice that you’re woman has an affliction rather than a thing for 70’s / 80’s fashion. Lets set a Reality Bytes rule: if your girl has hairy nipples and a legit chest rug, you have to assume that she’s aware of it and has likely thought of a number of ways to do away with it to no avail. Either that or you’re dating a trannie and you haven’t noticed his knob yet.

Ok, so lets assume that you’re not dating a chick with an unwanted hair problem.
You’re not happy that she’s got a forest growing between her legs and you want her to put some firebreaks in at the very least. Last week Chuck said that you really couldn’t say anything to a dude with a hairy back because he would more than likely be terribly conscious of his back fur and embarrassed by it. So how does this situation differ? Well it doesn’t really. If you just flat out mention her growth, she’s probably going to get salty and tell you to eat rocks. There are two key differences in this situation, 1) the vast majority of society are trimming, making it a little easier to discuss and 2) back hair is almost an affliction like hirsutism.

So how the hell do you bring it up and not blow your chance of ever pounding it again? The first thing you need to avoid is recoiling in horror when you take her undies off. If a woman senses fear or disgust when you first lay eyes on her poontang you’re in big trouble. You need to act cool, calm and collected no matter how big of a hair saddle she’s riding on. If you’re in the heat of battle, it’s probably not a good time to mention that you’re not hankering for a mouthful of hair pie – just battle through it and bide your time.

The best way to tackle the issue is to discuss it. Chuck isn’t talking about taking her out for a candle lit dinner and then raising the issue over dessert. Chuck suggests that you either work it into foreplay and suggest some mutual trimming as part of juicing her up. The one thing you need to worry about is her apparent lack of grooming skills, especially if you’re going to let her have a crack at your cack and balls. The last thing you want is a rookie with a razor blade fumbling around your fun bag.

Or

You dig deep, battle through the mound of matted pubes and deliver a mind-bending orgasm. Sure you may choke, but the upside is that while she is basking in the glow, she’ll be a little more open to suggestion (plus you have some serious credit up your sleeve after that move and she’ll have that fresh in her mind). You want to suggest that a trim will give you better access to the special parts and that you can take it to the next level. There is a strong chance that she’ll vault out of bed in search of scissors. Once you have got a primary trim in, you can gradually chip away until it’s at a much more manageable level.

The biggest problem that you’ll have is if you are a dud in the sack. If you can't deliver the prime time orgasm then you have no leg to stand on and should probably be thankful that you're pulling pussy in the first place!






Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Aussie Pride




Dear Chuck,

My boyfriend is insisting on getting a Southern Cross tattoo. Please please please talk him out of it

Love

TT


Dear TT,

How very un-Australian of you slamming your boyfriend’s desire to show his patriotism on Australia Day. Fortunately for you, Chuck’s celebrating the public holiday and will run the post on Wednesday which means we can hammer your man all we like.

In recent weeks the Southern Cross has been liked to a Nazi Swastika with the spate of violence against non-anglo Saxons by flag bearing Aussies who seem to have developed some narrow-minded fixation as to what ‘Aussies’ are. Now comparing young people sporting a Southern Cross tattoo to a group of people responsible for unspeakable crimes against humanity is probably a little harsh in Chuck’s opinion, but it may be worth you referring to your boyfriend as Adolf for a period of time and see if that bugs him enough to change his plans.

Either that or you’ll give him the shits and he’ll kick you to the curb which may in fact be the best thing since he clearly lacks any imagination or creativity and seems to be following the masses.

Interestingly enough, not so long ago another one of Chucks protégés - lets call him Des (Chuck realises that this is back to back posts mentioning a protégé, but Chuck runs an extensive mentoring program and often operates with 5-7 proteges at any one time) mentioned that he was really keen to get a Southern Cross tattoo. At the time, Des was only 18 and Chuck posed one of his favourite questions for young and less worldly people; “how many life decisions do you make at 18?” The response was predictably “none” to which Chuck responded “well a tattoo generally stays with you for the duration”.

Despite Chuck’s stone cold logic, it was clear that Des was going to press ahead anyway so Chuck switched gears and tried to counsel him into at least going with something a little more original – like skulls, a cross, Japanese characters or barbed wire around a bicep. Des actually appeared to be listening which made Chuck feel a little more comfortable about the whole thing. Des took off for overseas and while Chuck heard through the grapevine that he’d been tattooed, Des made no mention of it to Chuck. Six months later with both Des and Chuck in the same town, it was time for the grand unveiling. Des smiled as he rolled up his shirt sleeve (he’d opted for the classy inner bicep location). Chuck recoiled in horror as soon as he saw what his boy had done. Des went with the Southern Cross, but got totally original by having ‘Aussie Pride’ added in cursive writing. Chuck shook his head in disbelief and fought off the urge to punch Des in the face. Des argued emphatically that he’d taken Chuck’s advice and added his own touch with the writing. Chuck began weeping for his future.

Anyway, Chuck’s leading the league in anecdotes lately so lets keep moving.

The point is, the vast majority of men, and especially young men aren’t really bright and are easily caught up in what’s going on around them. They’ll jump in feet first and worry about the consequences later, if at all. You and Chuck both know that when he’s 40, he’ll more than likely look down at his somewhat faded Southern Cross tat, give it a rub and wish that he’d spent his money on a carton of beer instead.

There are many disadvantages in getting older (erectile dysfunction being the worst), but one of the true pluses is the wisdom that comes with experience. All the dumb shit you did when you were 20 would never have happened if you could somehow insert a USB with the knowledge you now have at 30+ just before you did it.

In all likelihood, your boyfriend is going to press ahead and get the tat. Here are a few things you can try in a last ditch effort to dissuade him: 

  • Withhold pussy. It’s the great equaliser and about one of the only things that can change a charged up young bucks mind when they are set on doing something. If you are his first sexual partner this will stop him in his tracks immediately. If you are really good in bed it will have the same effect. If you’re only average you’ll probably end up breaking up with you which as Chuck mentioned isn’t such a bad thing since he’ll have a Southern Cross tattoo like every other 20 year old nowadays. 


  • Try to find an old dude with some of those awesome forearm tattoos. They’ll look like dark blue / green smudges on his arms. Then introduce him to your man and inform him that this is what he’ll look like when he’s ancient. Your boyfriend will probably respond along the lines of “tattoo technology is so much better now and it will hold up better over time”. If he does respond like this, simply cut access to your poontang. 

At the end of the day, there’s very little you can do to stop him if his mind is set on getting it done. Your best bet is to try to delay the process and hope that the urge wanes over time. He’ll definitely thank you later in life should you manage to stay together.

Now, lets turn the discussion to the tramp stamp that you’ve got on your lower back young lady!




Sunday, January 24, 2010

Skinning a Grizzly



Hi Chuck,

I’ve been dating a really nice boy for a while now and things are really really good…. except he has a hairy back. It’s not like a carpet or anything, but it is all over and he’s a young man, surely it will get worse as he gets older… and he’ll lose it off his head and it’ll grow out his ears – you know how it goes.


I know that I’m being really shallow but I don’t find it attractive. Should I tell him this and hope that he does something about it?

Thanks

Vera.



Dear Vera,

Fortunately for Chuck and more importantly for Mrs Long, back hair is not an affliction that Chuck suffers. Having said that, you’ve written to a man who cannot find tweezers fast enough should a random dark hair be spotted anywhere from about 3 centre metres below the ear lobe.  There is significant stigma attached to back hair for some reason or another and Chuck does nothing to help ease it which is a character flaw that’s being worked on as we speak as part of a new years resolution – Number 22 – be more accepting of back hair.

You may be asking, “Why the fuck would Chuck try to be more tolerant towards back hair?”. It’s a fair question. First and foremost Chuck is trying to be more understanding of his fellow man. It comes with age and being more satisfied with your lot in life. Secondly , it’s because one of Chuck’s protégés is a sufferer. Chuck knows that many of you out there will be tutting into your skinny latte, suggesting that Chuck is only making more of an effort because the affliction has struck close to home. You know what, you’re probably right. Chuck would have kept up his bigotry towards back fur unless someone near and dear to him was affected. Chuck’s not afraid to admit that he isn’t as perfect as many of you readers perceive him to be.

Anyway, as Chuck became closer to his protégé, it became common practice to remark at random things like the speed at which his facial hair seemed to grow – up to 4 times faster than Chuck’s. On one occasion the protege overstepped the mark on casual dress Friday (which led to a stern rebuke from the impeccably dressed Chuck) by wearing a t-shirt with a low cut neck line. This revealed a thatch of chest hair that was so thick it could have been used as roofing material in poor African villages. One day, Chuck asked the young buck how he dealt with being a seriously hairy dude. The protégé responded that it was a freaking nightmare shaving every single day (since he turned 7). Chuck shook his head in support when the protégé uttered the fateful words “you should see my back”.

Of course Chuck browbeat the young man until he revealed the situation (Chuck thanks the Lord on a daily basis that no one walked into the boardroom that day while the young protégé removed his jacket, business shirt and tie to satisfy Chuck’s curiousity). Once the protégé had revealed his affliction, Chuck took the youngster for a stiff coffee and peppered him with questions.

Of course Chuck asked the questions you’re all wondering: 

  • Why don’t you wax? – really expensive, really painful, ingrown hairs.
  • Why don’t you shave? – well its tough to do it yourself and it isn’t something you can ask you mate to do.
  • What do women think ?– one night stands, you’re normally drunk. Girlfriends I need to make sure that my personality and treatment allows them to see through it.
  • What about getting your shirt off? – I don’t
  • How do you feel about it? – it’s totally embarrassing. 

It was the last response that hit Chuck the hardest. This poor fucker, who lives in a country bathed in sunlight, was locked into his shirt because he was worried about people looking at him. The protégé smiled and offered some words that Chuck now tries to live by, “you can only play the cards your dealt”.  It was an attitude like that and the fact that he is one of the nicest kids Chuck has ever met that allowed him to deal with it.

Anyway, that experience was a sobering moment in Chuck’s life and ever since he has tried to empathise with anyone in a similar situation. Which brings us to Vera’s man. At the end of the day Vera, if you don’t find it attractive you’ve got 3 courses of action: 

  • You say something to him. Now it’s highly likely that he is keenly aware of his back hair problem and much like Chuck’s protégé is totally embarrassed by it.  He’s probably totally happy with you, cruising along thinking that everything is peachy and then WHAM you nail him with this right cross and his world comes crumbling down around him. There’s not really a soft way to suggest that he should clip or wax his back Chuck’s afraid. If you bring it up, you’re hammering him. Either you pray for him to mention it in a negative way and then you pounce or you suggest some sexy pampering where, as part of it, you give him a facial and perhaps mention that trimming the hair back may be the way to go. If you go in this direction, you’re probably going to have to allow him to assist you in self waxing your own beef curtains which wont be pleasant and may result in permanent damage to your genitalia. Chuck’s just saying that for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction! 


  • You can say nothing. This just means that things can never be great between you two because you have an issue with his back rug. Lets face it though, how would you feel if he mentioned your saddlebags or vile breath? Exactly, it would crush you. You may need to suck it up. 


  • You encourage him to get into bodybuilding. Just wait, Chuck has a point. It doesn’t have to be bodybuilding; it just needs to be some sort of sport that he can totally get into that requires a reasonably ripped physique. You know how narcissistic most men are. Once he starts getting beefed up, he’ll want to show the muscle mass off and the best way to do this? Trim the hair back. He’ll start clipping his chest to show off the pec dec and abs, then the legs will get the treatment and then finally he’ll be routinely smearing Nair all over his body to give himself the smooth look. The down sides to this are the time it’ll take to go from relatively normal to ripped (don’t believe that ads that guarantee rippedness in 4 weeks) and the fact that once he’s totally cut out of granite he’ll more than likely dump you for a better model- and one who loves him for who he is!









Thursday, January 21, 2010

Walking Tall



Hey Chuck,

My boyfriend keeps pestering me about wearing my heels while having sex. I don’t have a problem doing it, it just sounds like such a weird thing to ask for. Why are guys into that sort of thing?

Thanks!

Denise

Dear Denise,

Just for shits and giggles, why not instruct your bloke to lie down naked on the bed while you slowly undress. Now instead of seductively climbing onto him wearing a shiny pair of stilettos, slip on your running shoes or better yet your 3 year old pair of Birkenstocks and then time how quickly it takes him to go stone cold flaccid.  Yes, Chuck’s aware that you’ll more than likely kill the mood completely, but do not fret, it is a bloke you’re dealing with here, you can get him back into the swing of things within about 30 seconds with a gentle tug of his todger.

Look, when it all boils down to it, dudes are fucking weirdos for the most part and can get sexually aroused by anything. Take 15-20 minutes during your next lunch break and duck into an adult shop, then spend the time wandering up and down the aisles taking in what’s on offer. Sure you’ll have your stock standard porn, tacky underwear, lubricants and run of the mill sex aides. But if you dig a little deeper and pay close attention, you’ll start to see some of the freakier shit that men get into. Bestiality Porn, sadomasochistic equipment and some just down right loopy stuff - case in point – blow up sheep with strategically placed orifices. And the thing to remember? That stuff is in there because people actually buy it.

The vast majority of people with ‘out there’ sexual fetishes and desires either manage to find themselves a partner/s who share in their hobby, are perpetually single (the dude with the blow up sheep) or they get arrested (and get exposed to a different sort of sexually in the big house). 

The sexual fantasy you speak of is probably classified as relatively normal and is perpetuated by the porn industry, which generally keeps its actresses well heeled as a rule (perhaps to balance out height differences between male and female stars?). Chuck’s guessing that your fella has probably had a dose of porn featuring starlet’s in 9 inch heels and wants to feel like Long Dong Silver himself by having you recreate the scene (this will be 100% the case if he asks you to do it outside, while he walks in carrying a pool cleaning pole and 150% the case if he does all that and you don’t even own a pool).

Theres nothing at all wrong with going along with this little charade if it makes him all warm and fuzzy. It will also score you a few points since you’ve accommodated his fantasy and made him feel special. In fact you should take solace in the fact that he’s asking you to do it and not paying an escort for the same service – you know what, dip into his bank account and use the money he would ordinarily pay a hooker and buy yourself a nice pair of heels for the occasion. A couple of things you need to be aware of:

If he is ever going to try to blow a load on your face its now. You know how it is in porn, the money shot is what it’s all about and since he’s acting out his fantasy based on porn, Chuck’s giving you the heads up to look out for the stray shot aimed at your eyeball or chin.

Your’e naked, in bed, wearing 3-6 inch heels. This is like crawling around with daggers strapped to your feet. Watch out for his ball bag as driving a stiletto into that thing will put him off sex for life.


If you do your man this favour and he keeps coming back for more, he may actually have an illness. A foot fetish. You can send him off for psychological counselling or simply pass him the following address: www.heelporn.com
This site will provide him with all the whack off material he can handle while allowing you to actually get into bed with your shoes off.

While your boyfriend’s request may seem totally strange and a complete turn off to you, Chuck stumbled across something rather interesting whilst conducting his extensive research for this post. Chuck actually found research that suggests that:

High-heeled shoes not only tone the legs and strengthen the pelvic muscles, but they "directly work the pleasure muscles which are linked to an orgasm",

Italian urologist Dr Maria Cerruto discovered that a pair of "moderately high-heeled shoes" had beneficial effects.” The heels influence and work the pelvic muscles and reduce the need to exercise them. "We now hope to prove that wearing heels during daily activity may reduce the need for the pelvic exercises necessary to keep that part of a woman's anatomy toned and elastic." Dr Cerruto added: "Women often have difficulty in carrying out the right exercises for the pelvic zone and wearing heels could prove to be the solution.

An official guide to better sex, provided by NHS Direct, advises women to become more aware of their pleasure muscles (pelvic floor muscles) and advises them how to exercise them to aid sexual arousal.

Well there you have it, an absolute reason to wear your heels in the sack. Who would have thought that having a sexual deviant for a boyfriend would improve your sex life? Now if you’ll excuse Chuck, he just needs to duck out to Jimmy Choo’s.


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Pulling off a Prince



Hi Chuck,

With Prince William in town I couldn’t help but daydream at the possibility of bumping into him at a bar, being swept off my feet, having a whirlwind romance, a big royal wedding with a 50 foot train on my dress and then living the life of a princess. Totally implausible I know, but it’s happened once before.

That’s all

Sasha


Sasha,

Every girl’s gotta have a dream!

If Chuck were to call you and suggest that you should hook up with a guy that he only knew through work (so no real knowledge of the dude) and that some of his key vitals include:


  • He’s tallish
  • He’s 27
  • He’s in the early stages of male pattern baldness (and combs over to combat it)
  • He’s never had a job (and in fact no one in his family has)
  • There are rumours of inbreeding within his family tree
  • He operates to an OCD like schedule
  • He’s English
  • He’s name is William


You’d tell Chuck to eat rocks and never take a referral from him again. There just aren’t too many selling points when you run down that list of traits. Of course that all changes when you toss ‘Prince’ in front of it and add untold wealth. It’s amazing what being a member of a royal family will do for your ability to pull flange.

Anyway, Sydney has been awash with Prince William fever as the young buck performs his royal duties down under. Sasha, there’s a strong possibility that you’re not the only lady, or bloke for that matter having the same fantasy. And you’re right, it does have a precedent with Denmark’s Prince Frederick pulling some Aussie poontang out of a bar and turning her into a fair dinkum princess not so long ago.

There are a few angles that Chuck feels compelled to explore.

Would he actually be a good bloke?

Depends how you define ‘good’. Good as in interesting and someone you could be friends with? Well he’s had a pretty solid education at some reputable institutions and he’s well travelled so you’d have to hope that he’s semi intelligent and has seen some sights. On the other hand, it’s not like he can jump off the plane, change into shorts and a tank top and head for a local beach pub so his experiences may be fairly matured and staid. Who wants to talk about orphanages, life threatening illness fundraising and environmental issues all the time? What about how many beers he’s sculled or the best weed he’s ever smoked?

He may be somewhat pretentious being brought up in the most upper crust fashion although his mum did act like a bit of a tart from time to time so perhaps that grounded him. He has a done a stint in the army/ navy/airforce which would suggest that he’s probably knocked out a prostitute in Thailand as the lads egged him on but his sexual exploits may be somewhat limited since he’s been with the same girl for quite some time and his every move seems to be followed so its not like he would be pounding chicks in the back seat of a car in the university car park.

When Mrs Long got wind that Chuck was writing about Prince William, she insisted that Chuck mention that he works very hard, is compassionate, and genuinely looked like a man of the people as he performed his duties around Sydney. Obviously the Long household wont be pushing for a republic anytime soon. Having said that, he does seem to embrace his job and make an effort with the elderly women and horny young girls who throw themselves at him. Conversely, if you had a job where you got to wear expensive suits, got chauffeured into events for the routine grip and grin (after likely reading a preprepared brief on it as you drove in), and pretended to be interested before being whisked off to some private function featuring gourmet food and celebrities wouldn’t you be able to feign sincerity and charm?

With all that in mind, Chuck believes that he’d probably be a decent bloke.

Could he handle a drink or two?

His great grandmother was a borderline alcoholic, and his grandfather is a certifiable loose canon, of course he could.

Could you really pull Prince William at a pub?

Denmark’s Prince Fredo carried a significantly lesser profile than our boy Wills. In fact, until he married an Aussie, how many people knew Demark had a royal family? This anonymity allowed Frederick to actually get into an Aussie pub and start working over Australian schmoo (you know his pick up line would have included the words “have you ever fucked a guy who appears on a coin?” – absolute panty dropping line right there!).  Let Chuck also state that no matter how people care to romanticize it, Frederick was gunning for nothing more than a shag that night and either Mary trumped any Danish crumpet that he’d ever had before or she managed to get his mobile number and started calling him every hour on the hour until he agreed to another date. No one ever gets married after meeting randomly at a pub and that’s a fact.

Getting back on course, there’s no way William could sniff the inside of an Aussie pub unless he had his security detail shut it down and he sat there with his press secretary sharing a beer while some bemused 18 year old bar maid wiped the bar down wondering who the dudes in suits were.

Just say he did manage to sneak out and enter an Aussie bar, could you pull him then?  Well of course but you’d want to employ all your ninja skills and go about it as stealthily as possible because if anyone else in the joint got wind that he’s in there they’ll be elbows flying all over the place as women try to wedge themselves between him and anyone else who happens to be trying to talk to him. If you did get to talk to him, you’d only have a very short window of opportunity so your best course of action would be to suggest that if he left with you then and there you’d make it worth his while. Chuck knows that you’re not normally like that, but we’re talking about a prince here!

If you’d prefer to remain a lady, the best course of action would be to try to scam (either by using connections or sleeping with someone) entry into a royal function. Typically he’d be forced to either greet the guests or at least work the room to some degree. In this setting you may actually have an opportunity to have a brief conversation with him. You need to use this time wisely so have a really interesting conversation topic that will engage him and make him remember you..or offer to blow him.

And if you did managed to get him to leave with you, where the hell are you going to take him? You cant go back to his place since his press secretary would have a conniption seeing him walk past the waiting press with a horny local lass on his arm. So then what do you do? Drag him back to your place that you either share with a mate or worse yet live in with your parents? Imagine explaining that one to your mum as you pass over a bowl of weetbix to Will at the breakfast table.

Would you really want to live as a Princess?


What and give up drinking at your local pub and scarfing down a kebab at 3am?

From the outside, the life of a princess seems to consist of being stylized, appearing in glossy women’s magazines, doing some charity work, hanging off your princes’ arm, preparing yourself to be queen, going on holidays (pheasant shooting being one of the less glamorous ones) and attending events. Of course this all comes at zero cost to you financially and you are fed and watered well along the way.

What’s to dislike?

Well there is the fact that you are viewed as a civil servant and expected to fill your year attending a variety of functions and being the patron to numerous causes to which you have no interest. Your time is carefully mapped and you have to be on point at all times looking interested and engaged for fear of upsetting someone. You can never have a bad day or call someone a fuckwit.

On top of that, you live in a fishbowl. Every time you wear a bikini there are magazine editors with a magnifying glass salivating at the opportunity to count your cellulite dimples.  You have to mind how you exit every vehicle for fear of flashing your undies, you can never have ‘one too many’ drinks in case you’re labeled a drunkard and don’t even think about picking your knickers out of your arse no matter how badly they’re wedging up your crack, you’ll just have to grin and bare it until you find a loo. Everything you say and do will be scrutinized.

So what does all this mean? You have fuck all chance of hooking up with Prince William and if you did, it wouldn’t be any good anyway. But a girl can dream!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Blood is thicker than water



Hi Chuck,

I recently met a bloke that I found very charming and handsome, and couldn't help but be attracted to him.  He happens to be my cousin's cousin.  He is her cousin on the other side of her family, so technically we are not related.  Yet I still feel that this is a very odd situation.  Is it ok to like (or date) your cousin's cousin, or is too close to home?

Bemused

Dear Bemused,

Or should we call you cousin fucker?

Chuck knows what you’re thinking, “that’s a little tough big fella” and yes, you’re probably right, but you may as well get used to it because if you get involved with this dude and word gets out that you are in some way, shape or form poking your cousin, do you think any of your enemies are going to break out a ‘Bemused’ family tree and try to determine the correct lineage before besmirching your good name?

The chances are that you are a normal human being and don’t actually have a bunch of enemies actively looking to blacken your name – but why take the risk?  All it takes is for one slip up at a party for people to start wondering if you were born in Tasmania or are a member of the British Royal Family. There’s nothing worse than having the sheen taken off your reputation by a nasty case of inbreeding accusations. People just don’t bounce back from those allegations well, especially after a ‘Today Tonight’ or ‘A Current Affair’ expose` on your sordid love life gets aired across the nation.

Rooting people in your own family carries such negative connotations nowadays that Chuck can understand why you’d feel a little uncomfortable. Have you noticed that whenever a brother and sister hook up and get coverage through the media, they are never attractive? While Chuck doesn’t condone or support porking your relatives, the fact that those who are shown actively doing it are always ugly definitely doesn’t help the popularity of inbreeding as a cause.

Look all jokes aside, if you can assure Chuck that you and this dude share no DNA whatsoever (Chuck is cringing thinking about the deluge of emails that is going to flood the Reality Bytes inbox from fundamental Christians arguing that we all came from the one body – Christ, and thus all share DNA- the joy), then you shouldn’t feel too bad about dating this guy.

Chuck has conducted some in-depth research using reputable sources such as Wikipedia that suggest that you can actually marry a second cousin legally. While the thought of boning his totally annoying and repulsive 2nd cousin (this assessment of her character was based on her behavior when she was 8 and Chuck was 9 – she may have blossomed) totally nauseates Chuck, it worked for people like actress Greta Scacchi who got knocked up by her first cousin.

Gross.

The only thing holding you back here is the stigma. The guy is a cousin by name only. He’s good looking and charming and blokes like him and Chuck are few and far between. You have to cast aside your concerns and make a play for this dude before he moves onto other relatives in your family.

Two key points to consider

1.

You are well within your rights to immediately cease having sex with him if at any stage during intercourse he asks you “who’s your daddy?” (And besides it would prove that he is a total wanker saying something like that)

2.

Worse case scenario, if your cover gets blown, you sell out and get on a trashy evening current affairs show under the heading “Australia’s first good looking inbred couple”.  Ground needs to be broken.






Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Keeping the Faith



Dear Chuck,
I work with a guy who I’m really attracted to, and I think he is attracted to me.  I’m sure its not my imagination that there is a spark. He is a complete spunk, think part David Beckham part Robbie Williams, and all the girls have a bit of a thing for him. We’ve been doing some office flirting and I know you have previously counselled people on not dipping your pen into the office ink – but that’s not even my problem, it gets so much worse! I was commenting to a co-worker that it’s a pity hot-boy hadn’t gone to the Christmas party because I’d had plans to get him drunk and test the waters. Anyway my co-worker says to me “well that wouldn’t have worked, he doesn’t drink, that’s why he didn’t go to the party.” So in jest I reply “doesn’t drink? What’s wrong with him, is he some kind of born again Christian or something?” and to my horror she replies “Yup, and rumour is he’s one of those ‘pledgers’ who don’t have sex before marriage.. so good luck to you, you’ll need it.“ well I don’t think there’s enough luck in the world for me… considering my first boyfriend at uni came out shortly after breaking up with me I really don’t think I’ve got what it takes to turn a Christian.  Chuck, should I just give up now and put him in the too hard basket, or give it a go all guns blazing with nothing to lose?


Yours,
Eve


Dear Eve,

Its times like these that you want to slap yourself in the forehead with the palm of your hand, find a dark and dingy bar and start downing whiskey until it doesn’t hurt anymore. As if finding a decent bloke isn’t hard enough, stumbling into one that is of the David Beckham / Robbie Williams ilk is like coming across the Holy Grail. You’d probably already mentally married yourself off to this bloke, imagined the steamy intercourse and of course the gorgeous spawn that that coupling would result in. 

So finding out that he’s a happy clapper- WOW, that’s an emotional stinger. All of your hopes and dreams come crashing down in a screaming heap. It’s like grabbing onto the Holy Grail, turning to leave, tripping over your shoelaces and smashing it into a million pieces. Yes that dramatic!

This isn’t a cut and dry situation where you either proceed and see if you can make it work or simply cut bait and go fishing elsewhere. Fortunately, you’ve brought your dilemma to your old pal Chuck Long who’ll put things in perspective and help you through this situation.

The easy option would be to say, “fuck it” and move on. Lets face it, if he’s hard-core and you decide to have a crack at a relationship with him then at some stage you’re going to be exposed to his faith or beliefs (wearing one of those fucking ugly head scarfs for instance). Now judging by the fact that you had every intention of “getting him drunk and testing the waters” as you so eloquently put it, Chuck’s going to suggest that you’ve been around the block once or twice and that his puritanical ideology isn’t going to wash too well with you. Imagine the first time you meet him at his house after being out on the champers with the girls all afternoon, toey-er than a roman sandal and all he’s prepared to give up is a peck on the cheek. You’ll find yourself offering to do his laundry so that you can thrust your loins up against his washing machine for some form of relief.

Unless you’re prepared to alter parts of your life, then you are on the mark; it may just be too hard of a nut to crack (literally). Do you want to invest time and effort for no return other than a friend that looks good on your arm and who you desperately want to bone but cant? Sure there’s give and take in every relationship, it just seems that you’d be giving up more.

If you’re anything like Chuck, you’re not one to shy away from a challenge. Yes there are obvious obstacles in front of you here, but as you said there’s chemistry and he’s hotter than hellfire so perhaps it’s worth seeing if you cant just knock those barriers over. Now you probably shouldn’t enter into things with the approach that you’re going to chop this guy up right off the bat – this is going to take some time and a strategy. You need to take baby steps if your going to shake his faith to the point that you can ride his pony. Let Chuck assist.

First thing you need to do is a quick Wikipedia study of what his religion allows. Clearly they won’t be advocating any form of intercourse before marriage but there may be some looser guidelines around touching and feeling or as Chuck likes to refer to it “visiting the petting zoo”.  Getting an idea of the boundaries is key so that you can carefully push them at every opportunity. You’ll be surprised at what you can actually get away with, hell the Greeks invented and actively encouraged taking it in the pooper as a means to preserve virginity. Your bloke would be the most popular boy at bible study if word gets out that he nails his missus in the shitter!

The heavy petting will create a sense of intimacy and allow you to get to know each other better. More importantly you will get some satisfaction. You’ll obviously have to train him up in all of this stuff, unless he went to one of Sydney’s more exclusive private schools where he would have likely received such training from his math teacher or priest. Once the heavy petting is cranking, this is where you can rely on him being a man.

What does Chuck mean by that? Well anytime you can induce a boner with a bloke and at the same time present a question or moral dilemma, you’ll find that the bloke will always follow his shaft. If this guy has to choose between Jesus and his throbbing knob, the knob wins out every time. Once he realises how much he enjoys you handling his shaft and you mention that its even better inside of you, he’ll ditch the faith and worry about the lightening bolts and being cast into the pits of hell later.

Anyway, he has the ultimate out clause – repentance! Fuck him and tell him to ask for forgiveness later, preferably after you’ve had multiple orgasms.

The down side to actually getting into his knickers and stealing his virginity away from him is that if things don’t work out you will have really shaken his faith and he’ll have to live within his community as tainted goods. This may or may not cause some moral issues with you but Chuck thought he should raise it anyway. Another issue that Chuck often sees with individuals who hold out their cherry for a special someone is that when they do give it up they go sex crazy and start throwing it around like a horny monkey. You may end up with a sex fiend

If trying to overwhelm him physically isn’t getting it done, you can always try a little bit of psychological warfare - you’d never buy a car without road testing it first so why would you marry him without taking him around the block once or twice? Lets be honest here however, if you can’t overwhelm him physically then either you’re lousy in the sack or this guy wouldn’t break even if water boarded by the CIA. The mind games aren’t going to overwhelm him unless you can totally convince him that you are the girl that God put on earth for him, which wont make any sense to his family or his religious study buddies since if she was the right woman for him, God would have made her follow his religion.

The sad reality is that if this dude is totally dialled into his religion he’ll probably self select you out anyway. It’s likely that his sect has some Australian Idol wanna-be lined up to be his future wife and try as he might to fight it, God always wins, with Shannon Noll a close second.






Rock Bottom - Celebrity Rehab





Continuing on from last weeks post New Beginnings

After a week of heavily medicated sleep Madame Boodwah found the strength to go into the main breakfast area that extended out to a large balcony overlooking the Pacific.

She walked over to the breakfast buffet to pour herself a pineapple juice and put a croissant on her plate when she felt a hand inappropriately grope her left bum cheek. Normally Madame Boodwah would have reacted in quite a fierce way but because the drugs had numbed her it took a while to process what was actually happening. Once working out it was wrong Madame Boodwah turned to see a man that had a striking resemblance to Tiger Woods but in a bandana, baggy orange pants, gold chains and white basketball shoes.

‘Waz up little bunny’ said not quite right Tiger Woods looking her up and down with a smile that insinuated he wanted to get down and dirty with her.

‘Are you a cocktail waitress or somethin’ cause you and dat booty are very fine’ continued Not Quite Right Tiger Woods.

‘No.’ Said Madame Boodwah insipidly as she turned her back to away heading towards a table. Much to her dismay NQRTW followed her, seating himself quite confidently next to her.

‘So you’re the kinda bunny that likes to be mean n’ keep em’ keen. I like. I like.’ Said NQRTW with a big smile. Madame Boodwah looked at him with a blank expression.

‘Ma names Eldrick Tont Woods also known as Tiger Woods but you can call me Tigs, Little Bunny.’ Said Tigs.

Bored Madame Boodwah took a sip of her pineapple juice and looked at him blankly.

‘I play golf and women internationally. I’m kinda like a big deal.’ Said Tigs worried that Madame Boodwah didn’t understand who he was.

‘Yes I know who you are. I’m a Madame Boodwah’ said Madame Boodwah

‘Get out! You’re a MADAME!’ said Tigs thinking all his Christmas’ had come at once.

‘Man I know I’m not spose to but I’m getting’ a bit lonely so I’d appreciate it if you could hook me up with some fine ass’ said Tigs rubbing his crouch

‘I’m not a Madame of prostitutes.’ Said Madame Boodwah unimpressed. ‘If you’re the real Tiger Woods what’s with the frocabulary? As the real Tiger Woods is articulate and cautious in the press’

‘Little Bunny. It’s called PR. They make practice 20 times in the mirror before I say anything in public but I’m done with it. I just want to be myself now.’ Explained Tiger

‘Could you all please make your way to the lounge room for your daily meet’ came the announcement over the PA.

‘Saved by the bell thought’ Madame Boodwah.

As she entered the room there were 9 men sitting in a circle. Madame Boodwah noticed some of the men seemed very familiar. Looking around she started to realise who they were and wonder why she was the only female.

A chubby man with a blonde mullet stood up from his chair.

‘G’day me names Shane Warne but you can call me Warnie. For those of you who don’t know I’m kinda like a big deal, I played Cricket for Australia. Welcome to your first Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting.’ Said Warnie

‘Whoa back up the track Warnie I’m not a sex addict. Why am I in this meeting?’ asked Madame Boodwah

‘Sweetheart it’s not the first time we’ve heard that excuse. We all know you root like a rabbit but it’s okay there’s no need to deny you’re with friends, we’re all the same.’ Explained Warnie

‘I’ve just lost my fortune. My entire life is gone. This is the reason behind the meltdown I’m not a sex addict.’ said Madame Boodwah in defence.

Warnie walked over to her and placed his hand on her shoulder compassionately. ‘Babe. We all know you’ve got a lover in every port and the expense of this has put you where you are. Don’t worry we’re all the same, there’s no need to live in denial any longer.’

‘You Dog. You’re like the bitch version of me. I got 14 ports!’ Said Tigs looking quite happy with himself.

Madame Boodwah began to sob and sob. It was now clear to her she had hit rock bottom particularly when Shane Warne was her counsellor and she had something in common with Tigs.

‘How could Chuck do this to me?’ Thought Madame Boodwah when a text came through from him ‘I know you’re pissed at me right now but think of the difference you could make and the post you could write ’

‘Maybe he does have a point.’ Thought Madame Boodwah

Stayed tuned to see how Madame Boodwah makes a difference in Celebrity Rehab - Sex Addicts Anonymous

Sunday, January 10, 2010

She work it girl, she work the pole




Chuck,

I met this totally cool chick through mutual friends. The first couple of get togethers were in a group setting. I got up the balls to ask her out and we went on a couple of dates. Things were going really well. On the third date she tells me that she is a stripper. This isn’t her full time job, she is studying but I’m having a tough time coming to grips with this.

What should I do?

D


Yo D,

It’s time to cue up 50 Cent’s ‘Ayo Technology’!

She work it girl, she work the pole
She break it down, she take it low
She fine as hell, she about the dough
She doing her thing out on the floor
Her money money, she makin' makin'
Look at the way she shakin' shakin'
Make you want to touch it, make you want to taste it
Have you lustin' for her, go crazy face it
Now don't stop, get it, get it
The way she shakin' make you want to hit it
Think she double jointed from the way she split
Got you're head f**ked up from the way she did it
She's so much more than you're used to
She know's just how to move to seduce you
She gone do the right thing and touch the right spot
Dance in you're lap till you're ready to pop

If that isn’t the number one strip club song of all time, then Chuck doesn’t know what is.  Well, if you’re a little more white trash in nature, by all means dig out Guns ’N’ Roses ‘Appetite for Destruction’ and throw on pretty much any track off that album.

Either way, that’s a total stinger to run across in the early stages of meeting a young lady. In fact, other than trusted concentration camp commander during Hitler’s reign or head strategist for Al Qaeda, there may not be many worse possible occupations for a potential love interest to have. On the bright side, at least she isn’t a prostitute!

The first question that Chuck needs to ask is where the fuck do you find friends that have strippers in their inner circle? Jesus, Chuck lived a sheltered upbringing!

Ok, Chuck’s calmed down a little.

Look, Chuck can understand your discomfort on a number of levels:

Level 1

The thought of other dudes looking at your girls pink bits is disconcerting. We all like to think that our lady was a virgin when they hooked up with us and the thought of any previous crank action brings shivers of discomfort. Once you’ve settled in with your girl, her past love life drifts off into the distant past. Unfortunately, if your woman is getting her bits and pieces out on a regular basis in this day and age, you are constantly reminded that she wasn’t a choir girl when you hooked up.

On top of that, you’d like to think that you’re the only one getting the goods. In reality, groups of randy fellas are checking out her package each and every weekend with the belief that if they pass around a hat and can fill it up with enough change; she may in fact get familiar with some items from the refrigerators crisper draw.

Lets face it you’re uncomfortable with any other guy checking out your missus – Chuck can appreciate that.

Level 2

Chuck can tell you that there would be a number of buck’s parties that would have been ridiculously boring and uneventful without the services of a professional entertainer who just happens to remove all of her clothing.
Unfortunately society doesn’t recognise stripping as an occupation of any high distinction. Chuck can only imagine the look on your face when you introduce your new love interest to your mother and after being asked how her day was, your date responds “it was fine until I got a nasty burn on my inner thigh because the girl before me didn’t re grease the pole”.
Mothers and society in general just don’t view stripping as a noble form of employment and Chuck’s guessing by your reaction that you don’t either.

Level 3

Since it appears that you have a preconception about stripping as a form of employment, Chuck’s going to assume that you now view your lady friend as a bit of a skank. That’s a little unfair since you don’t really know her too well and have no idea how she lives her life. Look at Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. She was a street level prostitute who easily made the transition into princess simply by having a few extra bucks to rub together and decking herself out in some nicer threads. You’re assuming your girl is a ho!

So what should you do?

You can’t tell her to give up since you don’t know her well enough and you aren’t about to bank roll her through uni are you? Imagine if she found out what you did for a crust and told you to jack it in because she didn’t think highly of it. You’d tell her to eat rocks.

If you really like her, you need to keep moving forward and try to get a solid read on her as a person. You said she isn’t working the pole full-time, she’s just paying her way through uni. It would be smart to check out what she’s studying because any course titled “Call Girl 101” is probably a sign that she’s in no hurry to give up the life. At the end of the day, we all need to makes ends meet and the last time Chuck checked, spinning around a pole in a G Banger wasn’t illegal – in fact Cirque du Soleil charges over 100 bucks a ticket and no mother would ever cast a frown if you introduced your girl as a performer from that troupe would they?

Chuck can appreciate that accepting her job is going to be tough to get your head around. You could start showing up to all of her shows so that at least you are seeing what every other bloke is seeing and you can make sure that the cucumbers in the fridge are of a moderate size so as not to blow her out down there. You could also stop for a second and figure out that her earning power is probably double yours. Once you’ve done that, you can tap all of your networks and get busy filling out her diary – she’s a gravy train!

In all seriousness D, you need to take a deep breath. This isn’t an easy predicament to be in. At the end of the day, this girl clearly has a tidy package and you obviously like her. She may even like you. So take things slow, appreciate her and her body and see how things play out, 3 dates is way too soon to get all high and mighty (Chuck’s assuming that you’re not a man of the cloth, but even if you are, remember that Mary Magdalene was a ho and Jesus let her slide).

On the upside of all of this, if you can work through your initial uncertainty and you do find a long-term future together, think how cheap your bachelor party is going to be – not having to pay for entertainment after all, surely she’d cut you mates rates!