Thursday, January 21, 2010

Walking Tall



Hey Chuck,

My boyfriend keeps pestering me about wearing my heels while having sex. I don’t have a problem doing it, it just sounds like such a weird thing to ask for. Why are guys into that sort of thing?

Thanks!

Denise

Dear Denise,

Just for shits and giggles, why not instruct your bloke to lie down naked on the bed while you slowly undress. Now instead of seductively climbing onto him wearing a shiny pair of stilettos, slip on your running shoes or better yet your 3 year old pair of Birkenstocks and then time how quickly it takes him to go stone cold flaccid.  Yes, Chuck’s aware that you’ll more than likely kill the mood completely, but do not fret, it is a bloke you’re dealing with here, you can get him back into the swing of things within about 30 seconds with a gentle tug of his todger.

Look, when it all boils down to it, dudes are fucking weirdos for the most part and can get sexually aroused by anything. Take 15-20 minutes during your next lunch break and duck into an adult shop, then spend the time wandering up and down the aisles taking in what’s on offer. Sure you’ll have your stock standard porn, tacky underwear, lubricants and run of the mill sex aides. But if you dig a little deeper and pay close attention, you’ll start to see some of the freakier shit that men get into. Bestiality Porn, sadomasochistic equipment and some just down right loopy stuff - case in point – blow up sheep with strategically placed orifices. And the thing to remember? That stuff is in there because people actually buy it.

The vast majority of people with ‘out there’ sexual fetishes and desires either manage to find themselves a partner/s who share in their hobby, are perpetually single (the dude with the blow up sheep) or they get arrested (and get exposed to a different sort of sexually in the big house). 

The sexual fantasy you speak of is probably classified as relatively normal and is perpetuated by the porn industry, which generally keeps its actresses well heeled as a rule (perhaps to balance out height differences between male and female stars?). Chuck’s guessing that your fella has probably had a dose of porn featuring starlet’s in 9 inch heels and wants to feel like Long Dong Silver himself by having you recreate the scene (this will be 100% the case if he asks you to do it outside, while he walks in carrying a pool cleaning pole and 150% the case if he does all that and you don’t even own a pool).

Theres nothing at all wrong with going along with this little charade if it makes him all warm and fuzzy. It will also score you a few points since you’ve accommodated his fantasy and made him feel special. In fact you should take solace in the fact that he’s asking you to do it and not paying an escort for the same service – you know what, dip into his bank account and use the money he would ordinarily pay a hooker and buy yourself a nice pair of heels for the occasion. A couple of things you need to be aware of:

If he is ever going to try to blow a load on your face its now. You know how it is in porn, the money shot is what it’s all about and since he’s acting out his fantasy based on porn, Chuck’s giving you the heads up to look out for the stray shot aimed at your eyeball or chin.

Your’e naked, in bed, wearing 3-6 inch heels. This is like crawling around with daggers strapped to your feet. Watch out for his ball bag as driving a stiletto into that thing will put him off sex for life.


If you do your man this favour and he keeps coming back for more, he may actually have an illness. A foot fetish. You can send him off for psychological counselling or simply pass him the following address: www.heelporn.com
This site will provide him with all the whack off material he can handle while allowing you to actually get into bed with your shoes off.

While your boyfriend’s request may seem totally strange and a complete turn off to you, Chuck stumbled across something rather interesting whilst conducting his extensive research for this post. Chuck actually found research that suggests that:

High-heeled shoes not only tone the legs and strengthen the pelvic muscles, but they "directly work the pleasure muscles which are linked to an orgasm",

Italian urologist Dr Maria Cerruto discovered that a pair of "moderately high-heeled shoes" had beneficial effects.” The heels influence and work the pelvic muscles and reduce the need to exercise them. "We now hope to prove that wearing heels during daily activity may reduce the need for the pelvic exercises necessary to keep that part of a woman's anatomy toned and elastic." Dr Cerruto added: "Women often have difficulty in carrying out the right exercises for the pelvic zone and wearing heels could prove to be the solution.

An official guide to better sex, provided by NHS Direct, advises women to become more aware of their pleasure muscles (pelvic floor muscles) and advises them how to exercise them to aid sexual arousal.

Well there you have it, an absolute reason to wear your heels in the sack. Who would have thought that having a sexual deviant for a boyfriend would improve your sex life? Now if you’ll excuse Chuck, he just needs to duck out to Jimmy Choo’s.


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