Sunday, January 3, 2010

Resolute about resolutions

Dear Chuck,

My one and only New Years resolution for 2010 is to find a decent bloke.

Thought you should know I’m aiming high.

Love Chelsea

Dear Chelsea,

Giddy up!

First and foremost, Happy New Year loyal Reality Bytes readers. Chuck is refreshed, revitalised, reinvigorated and completely refocused in the early stages of 2010 after a nice little break and a particularly thorough high colonic irrigation.

Nothing like starting the New Year with a bold prediction by a young lady keen as proverbial mustard to lock down a bloke. ‘Tis the season to be making resolutions and setting goals after all, which in itself can be quite amusing when you consider some of the stuff people come up with. Chuck can appreciate that people use the first day of the year as some symbolic starting point, an awakening or rebirth. An opportunity to right wrongs or make themselves better. What is laughable is some of the vague objectives that people set or the unrealistic targets that can never be met.

Of course, every news station led with some sort of package around New Year’s celebrations and people’s ideas for 2010. Some of the nuggets displayed on every station (with Chucks thoughts included):

I’m going to lose weight – Ah fantastic, any specific amount or are you looking to shift 100 grams? Additionally do you have any plan for actually dropping the beef? Wouldn’t it be great if someone actually said, “yeah, I’ll just get my guts banded” or “I’ll spew regularly”. Unfortunately, carry-on fat baggage doesn’t melt away through mind power.

I’ll give up smoking – How do you expect to lose weight if you give up smoking??

I’m going to make more money – brilliant! Sticking up petrol stations or defrauding your employer?

I’m going to hit the gym – And you wonder why franchise gyms rub their hands together at this time of the year. Swarms of people wandering in, signing up for year long memberships and then never being sighted after the first 30 days while their bank account gets raped every month. Easy money. (Maybe it was a gym owner who made the “I’m going to make more money” resolution?)

I’m going to be nicer – Once a dick always a dick. If you can’t be nice now, what makes you think you could be nicer starting January 1?

I’m going to give up drinking – typically made by someone who is totally boozed or nursing a brutal hangover the next day. In Chuck’s entire life history, three known associates have actually given up drinking- 1) nearly burnt through his stomach lining through drinking 2) was a raging alcoholic and 3) found fundamental religion (please stop to consider how popular Chuck is and therefore how many people he must know). Chuck’s point is that people don’t just give up drinking without a valid reason.

Granted, these were saccharine sound bites and the vast majority of people offering them up were blind drunk at the time, but Chuck’s point is that a lot of people out there make resolutions as bold statements with no plan for achieving them and then wonder why they can never make them come true. Don’t get Chuck wrong, it’s not all about shitting on people’s hopes and dreams, Chuck himself is a goal setter of the highest order.

Without dipping into some sort of goal setting workshop (since Chuck usually charges a premium for these sessions), it’s important to set targets that are realistic and achievable and think about the steps that must be taken to reach them. In order for you to get your head around what Chuck is rapping about, lets take a look at a small sample of the 37 resolutions Chuck set for himself in 2009:

Resolution 4 – Help People

Plan – establish an immensely popular blog designed to provide realistic and honest relationship advice.

Achieved? – Check

Resolution 9 – Get a radio show

Plan – parlay immensely popular blog into other mediums, including radio.

Achieved? - Fail

Resolution 15 – Reduce body fat to below 3%

Plan – design and implement a rigorous workout program involving 6 workouts per week featuring cardio and weight work. Overhaul diet, adhering to a strict eating plan and reducing alcohol consumption by cutting out Vodka Cruisers.

Achieved? – Check

Resolution 16 – Win 2009 Cheerleading & Sport Aerobics National Championships.

Plan- work on flexibility through yoga classes, start wearing more form fitting lycra and design a killer competition routine set to “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns ‘N’ Roses.

Achieved? – Fail (groin tear as a result of training mishap)

Resolution 24 – Learn a new recipe every week

Plan – combine web based research and cook book study to broaden culinary expertise.

Achieved? – Check

As you can see from that brief insight into Chuck’s life, there is a plan in place for each resolution to ensure that Chuck gives himself the best chance to meet his objectives. Not every goal is met as evidenced by the ‘fails’ that Chuck has marked next to some of his highlighted resolutions, but this means that when Chuck resets his aims for 2010, he can evaluate the plans and determine better ways to go about reaching the designated targets.

So what’s the point of all this mumbo jumbo you ask? Well, since the vast majority of people will have crapped on their resolutions for 2010 already, perhaps you could use Chuck’s advice and get back on the horse before its too late or at the very least, start making preparations for 2011. On top of that, Chelsea did write in to say that her resolution was to find a decent bloke in 2010.

Obviously, based on what you’ve just read from Chuck, you’ll know that Chelsea’s resolution is a little thin. It has a bold statement, which Chuck likes, but it lacks the prerequisite planning to ensure that she can pull it off. Since our girl didn’t give us too much to work with in terms of her background or circumstance, let Chuck slap together some ideas for planning purposes and hopefully help Chelsea hit pay dirt this year. The following are some loose guidelines and ideas that should help Chels on her way:

  • Avoid hanging out at gentleman’s clubs
  • Always wear g-strings when at the gym
  • Put yourself in places where decent blokes hangout (library, volunteer organisations, pet shelters)
  • Don’t correspond with prisoners on death row
  • Dodge golfers
  • Wash your hair semi regularly
  • Stop sleeping with every new guy at your work
  • Eat 5 veg and 2 fruit; drink 2 litres of water daily
  • Employ Chucks Certain Amount of Outlay Theory

The last point is probably the most salient since Chuck is pretty much laying out for you how to find a decent dude. In fact, since it is so pertinent, one of Chuck’s resolutions for 2010 (taking the tally to 43) is to keep adding to the Certain Amount of Outlay list so that ladies like Chelsea have a one-stop shop for finding premium quality beef. Rest assured, Chuck has a plan!

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