Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Aussie Pride

Dear Chuck,

My boyfriend is insisting on getting a Southern Cross tattoo. Please please please talk him out of it



Dear TT,

How very un-Australian of you slamming your boyfriend’s desire to show his patriotism on Australia Day. Fortunately for you, Chuck’s celebrating the public holiday and will run the post on Wednesday which means we can hammer your man all we like.

In recent weeks the Southern Cross has been liked to a Nazi Swastika with the spate of violence against non-anglo Saxons by flag bearing Aussies who seem to have developed some narrow-minded fixation as to what ‘Aussies’ are. Now comparing young people sporting a Southern Cross tattoo to a group of people responsible for unspeakable crimes against humanity is probably a little harsh in Chuck’s opinion, but it may be worth you referring to your boyfriend as Adolf for a period of time and see if that bugs him enough to change his plans.

Either that or you’ll give him the shits and he’ll kick you to the curb which may in fact be the best thing since he clearly lacks any imagination or creativity and seems to be following the masses.

Interestingly enough, not so long ago another one of Chucks protégés - lets call him Des (Chuck realises that this is back to back posts mentioning a protégé, but Chuck runs an extensive mentoring program and often operates with 5-7 proteges at any one time) mentioned that he was really keen to get a Southern Cross tattoo. At the time, Des was only 18 and Chuck posed one of his favourite questions for young and less worldly people; “how many life decisions do you make at 18?” The response was predictably “none” to which Chuck responded “well a tattoo generally stays with you for the duration”.

Despite Chuck’s stone cold logic, it was clear that Des was going to press ahead anyway so Chuck switched gears and tried to counsel him into at least going with something a little more original – like skulls, a cross, Japanese characters or barbed wire around a bicep. Des actually appeared to be listening which made Chuck feel a little more comfortable about the whole thing. Des took off for overseas and while Chuck heard through the grapevine that he’d been tattooed, Des made no mention of it to Chuck. Six months later with both Des and Chuck in the same town, it was time for the grand unveiling. Des smiled as he rolled up his shirt sleeve (he’d opted for the classy inner bicep location). Chuck recoiled in horror as soon as he saw what his boy had done. Des went with the Southern Cross, but got totally original by having ‘Aussie Pride’ added in cursive writing. Chuck shook his head in disbelief and fought off the urge to punch Des in the face. Des argued emphatically that he’d taken Chuck’s advice and added his own touch with the writing. Chuck began weeping for his future.

Anyway, Chuck’s leading the league in anecdotes lately so lets keep moving.

The point is, the vast majority of men, and especially young men aren’t really bright and are easily caught up in what’s going on around them. They’ll jump in feet first and worry about the consequences later, if at all. You and Chuck both know that when he’s 40, he’ll more than likely look down at his somewhat faded Southern Cross tat, give it a rub and wish that he’d spent his money on a carton of beer instead.

There are many disadvantages in getting older (erectile dysfunction being the worst), but one of the true pluses is the wisdom that comes with experience. All the dumb shit you did when you were 20 would never have happened if you could somehow insert a USB with the knowledge you now have at 30+ just before you did it.

In all likelihood, your boyfriend is going to press ahead and get the tat. Here are a few things you can try in a last ditch effort to dissuade him: 

  • Withhold pussy. It’s the great equaliser and about one of the only things that can change a charged up young bucks mind when they are set on doing something. If you are his first sexual partner this will stop him in his tracks immediately. If you are really good in bed it will have the same effect. If you’re only average you’ll probably end up breaking up with you which as Chuck mentioned isn’t such a bad thing since he’ll have a Southern Cross tattoo like every other 20 year old nowadays. 

  • Try to find an old dude with some of those awesome forearm tattoos. They’ll look like dark blue / green smudges on his arms. Then introduce him to your man and inform him that this is what he’ll look like when he’s ancient. Your boyfriend will probably respond along the lines of “tattoo technology is so much better now and it will hold up better over time”. If he does respond like this, simply cut access to your poontang. 

At the end of the day, there’s very little you can do to stop him if his mind is set on getting it done. Your best bet is to try to delay the process and hope that the urge wanes over time. He’ll definitely thank you later in life should you manage to stay together.

Now, lets turn the discussion to the tramp stamp that you’ve got on your lower back young lady!

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