Sunday, January 17, 2010

Blood is thicker than water

Hi Chuck,

I recently met a bloke that I found very charming and handsome, and couldn't help but be attracted to him.  He happens to be my cousin's cousin.  He is her cousin on the other side of her family, so technically we are not related.  Yet I still feel that this is a very odd situation.  Is it ok to like (or date) your cousin's cousin, or is too close to home?


Dear Bemused,

Or should we call you cousin fucker?

Chuck knows what you’re thinking, “that’s a little tough big fella” and yes, you’re probably right, but you may as well get used to it because if you get involved with this dude and word gets out that you are in some way, shape or form poking your cousin, do you think any of your enemies are going to break out a ‘Bemused’ family tree and try to determine the correct lineage before besmirching your good name?

The chances are that you are a normal human being and don’t actually have a bunch of enemies actively looking to blacken your name – but why take the risk?  All it takes is for one slip up at a party for people to start wondering if you were born in Tasmania or are a member of the British Royal Family. There’s nothing worse than having the sheen taken off your reputation by a nasty case of inbreeding accusations. People just don’t bounce back from those allegations well, especially after a ‘Today Tonight’ or ‘A Current Affair’ expose` on your sordid love life gets aired across the nation.

Rooting people in your own family carries such negative connotations nowadays that Chuck can understand why you’d feel a little uncomfortable. Have you noticed that whenever a brother and sister hook up and get coverage through the media, they are never attractive? While Chuck doesn’t condone or support porking your relatives, the fact that those who are shown actively doing it are always ugly definitely doesn’t help the popularity of inbreeding as a cause.

Look all jokes aside, if you can assure Chuck that you and this dude share no DNA whatsoever (Chuck is cringing thinking about the deluge of emails that is going to flood the Reality Bytes inbox from fundamental Christians arguing that we all came from the one body – Christ, and thus all share DNA- the joy), then you shouldn’t feel too bad about dating this guy.

Chuck has conducted some in-depth research using reputable sources such as Wikipedia that suggest that you can actually marry a second cousin legally. While the thought of boning his totally annoying and repulsive 2nd cousin (this assessment of her character was based on her behavior when she was 8 and Chuck was 9 – she may have blossomed) totally nauseates Chuck, it worked for people like actress Greta Scacchi who got knocked up by her first cousin.


The only thing holding you back here is the stigma. The guy is a cousin by name only. He’s good looking and charming and blokes like him and Chuck are few and far between. You have to cast aside your concerns and make a play for this dude before he moves onto other relatives in your family.

Two key points to consider


You are well within your rights to immediately cease having sex with him if at any stage during intercourse he asks you “who’s your daddy?” (And besides it would prove that he is a total wanker saying something like that)


Worse case scenario, if your cover gets blown, you sell out and get on a trashy evening current affairs show under the heading “Australia’s first good looking inbred couple”.  Ground needs to be broken.

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