Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Pulling off a Prince

Hi Chuck,

With Prince William in town I couldn’t help but daydream at the possibility of bumping into him at a bar, being swept off my feet, having a whirlwind romance, a big royal wedding with a 50 foot train on my dress and then living the life of a princess. Totally implausible I know, but it’s happened once before.

That’s all



Every girl’s gotta have a dream!

If Chuck were to call you and suggest that you should hook up with a guy that he only knew through work (so no real knowledge of the dude) and that some of his key vitals include:

  • He’s tallish
  • He’s 27
  • He’s in the early stages of male pattern baldness (and combs over to combat it)
  • He’s never had a job (and in fact no one in his family has)
  • There are rumours of inbreeding within his family tree
  • He operates to an OCD like schedule
  • He’s English
  • He’s name is William

You’d tell Chuck to eat rocks and never take a referral from him again. There just aren’t too many selling points when you run down that list of traits. Of course that all changes when you toss ‘Prince’ in front of it and add untold wealth. It’s amazing what being a member of a royal family will do for your ability to pull flange.

Anyway, Sydney has been awash with Prince William fever as the young buck performs his royal duties down under. Sasha, there’s a strong possibility that you’re not the only lady, or bloke for that matter having the same fantasy. And you’re right, it does have a precedent with Denmark’s Prince Frederick pulling some Aussie poontang out of a bar and turning her into a fair dinkum princess not so long ago.

There are a few angles that Chuck feels compelled to explore.

Would he actually be a good bloke?

Depends how you define ‘good’. Good as in interesting and someone you could be friends with? Well he’s had a pretty solid education at some reputable institutions and he’s well travelled so you’d have to hope that he’s semi intelligent and has seen some sights. On the other hand, it’s not like he can jump off the plane, change into shorts and a tank top and head for a local beach pub so his experiences may be fairly matured and staid. Who wants to talk about orphanages, life threatening illness fundraising and environmental issues all the time? What about how many beers he’s sculled or the best weed he’s ever smoked?

He may be somewhat pretentious being brought up in the most upper crust fashion although his mum did act like a bit of a tart from time to time so perhaps that grounded him. He has a done a stint in the army/ navy/airforce which would suggest that he’s probably knocked out a prostitute in Thailand as the lads egged him on but his sexual exploits may be somewhat limited since he’s been with the same girl for quite some time and his every move seems to be followed so its not like he would be pounding chicks in the back seat of a car in the university car park.

When Mrs Long got wind that Chuck was writing about Prince William, she insisted that Chuck mention that he works very hard, is compassionate, and genuinely looked like a man of the people as he performed his duties around Sydney. Obviously the Long household wont be pushing for a republic anytime soon. Having said that, he does seem to embrace his job and make an effort with the elderly women and horny young girls who throw themselves at him. Conversely, if you had a job where you got to wear expensive suits, got chauffeured into events for the routine grip and grin (after likely reading a preprepared brief on it as you drove in), and pretended to be interested before being whisked off to some private function featuring gourmet food and celebrities wouldn’t you be able to feign sincerity and charm?

With all that in mind, Chuck believes that he’d probably be a decent bloke.

Could he handle a drink or two?

His great grandmother was a borderline alcoholic, and his grandfather is a certifiable loose canon, of course he could.

Could you really pull Prince William at a pub?

Denmark’s Prince Fredo carried a significantly lesser profile than our boy Wills. In fact, until he married an Aussie, how many people knew Demark had a royal family? This anonymity allowed Frederick to actually get into an Aussie pub and start working over Australian schmoo (you know his pick up line would have included the words “have you ever fucked a guy who appears on a coin?” – absolute panty dropping line right there!).  Let Chuck also state that no matter how people care to romanticize it, Frederick was gunning for nothing more than a shag that night and either Mary trumped any Danish crumpet that he’d ever had before or she managed to get his mobile number and started calling him every hour on the hour until he agreed to another date. No one ever gets married after meeting randomly at a pub and that’s a fact.

Getting back on course, there’s no way William could sniff the inside of an Aussie pub unless he had his security detail shut it down and he sat there with his press secretary sharing a beer while some bemused 18 year old bar maid wiped the bar down wondering who the dudes in suits were.

Just say he did manage to sneak out and enter an Aussie bar, could you pull him then?  Well of course but you’d want to employ all your ninja skills and go about it as stealthily as possible because if anyone else in the joint got wind that he’s in there they’ll be elbows flying all over the place as women try to wedge themselves between him and anyone else who happens to be trying to talk to him. If you did get to talk to him, you’d only have a very short window of opportunity so your best course of action would be to suggest that if he left with you then and there you’d make it worth his while. Chuck knows that you’re not normally like that, but we’re talking about a prince here!

If you’d prefer to remain a lady, the best course of action would be to try to scam (either by using connections or sleeping with someone) entry into a royal function. Typically he’d be forced to either greet the guests or at least work the room to some degree. In this setting you may actually have an opportunity to have a brief conversation with him. You need to use this time wisely so have a really interesting conversation topic that will engage him and make him remember you..or offer to blow him.

And if you did managed to get him to leave with you, where the hell are you going to take him? You cant go back to his place since his press secretary would have a conniption seeing him walk past the waiting press with a horny local lass on his arm. So then what do you do? Drag him back to your place that you either share with a mate or worse yet live in with your parents? Imagine explaining that one to your mum as you pass over a bowl of weetbix to Will at the breakfast table.

Would you really want to live as a Princess?

What and give up drinking at your local pub and scarfing down a kebab at 3am?

From the outside, the life of a princess seems to consist of being stylized, appearing in glossy women’s magazines, doing some charity work, hanging off your princes’ arm, preparing yourself to be queen, going on holidays (pheasant shooting being one of the less glamorous ones) and attending events. Of course this all comes at zero cost to you financially and you are fed and watered well along the way.

What’s to dislike?

Well there is the fact that you are viewed as a civil servant and expected to fill your year attending a variety of functions and being the patron to numerous causes to which you have no interest. Your time is carefully mapped and you have to be on point at all times looking interested and engaged for fear of upsetting someone. You can never have a bad day or call someone a fuckwit.

On top of that, you live in a fishbowl. Every time you wear a bikini there are magazine editors with a magnifying glass salivating at the opportunity to count your cellulite dimples.  You have to mind how you exit every vehicle for fear of flashing your undies, you can never have ‘one too many’ drinks in case you’re labeled a drunkard and don’t even think about picking your knickers out of your arse no matter how badly they’re wedging up your crack, you’ll just have to grin and bare it until you find a loo. Everything you say and do will be scrutinized.

So what does all this mean? You have fuck all chance of hooking up with Prince William and if you did, it wouldn’t be any good anyway. But a girl can dream!

No comments:

Post a Comment