Sunday, January 31, 2010

Skinning a Beaver


I read with interest your post about the chick who hated her boyfriend’s hairy back (
How do you tackle a girl with a hairy bush?



Chuck’s getting older, and as he ages, he sees more and more trends and fads swinging back into popularity. Recently the kids went through a big 80’s craze with old school Rayban sunglasses, short shorts, ugly fucking skirts and way too much fluorescent clothing. The minute the clock struck midnight on January 1st 2010, Chuck started to hear about the 90’s making a return which was confirmed when Soundgarden announced they were reuniting. You’re probably wondering why Chuck is crapping on about trends coming back around? Well, in recent times pubic maintenance has been a really big issue with waxing, trimming and shaving being a popular activity amongst the younger set. Chuck vividly remembers setting up a shrine to the Hindu God of pubic hair and praying relentlessly for his first hair to start sprouting. The thought of removing that bastard once it made an appearance was heresy. Nowadays, the kids are whipping their trouser hair off at such a rate that school swimming carnivals are seeing records shattered at alarming rates due to the reduced drag in the pools.

Anyway, with hair removal or maintenance almost becoming an every day occurrence, it makes sense that the fashion of the 70’s and 80’s would come back around and we’d start to see grossly overgrown pubic patches popping up all over the city. Chuck thought that Spandau Ballet and Tears For Fears reuniting and touring was the bottom of the recycled fad barrel, but having sat and envisioned a feral bush  (and then had the feeling that a pube was lodged in the back of Chuck’s throat), Chuck has decided that that is a movement that needs to be quashed.

Now, don’t get Chuck wrong, this isn’t going to be a rant about women’s downstairs maintenance. All comments delivered today are 100% applicable to males.

Righto, first things first, you need to make sure that any woman that you want to discuss hedge trimming with doesn’t suffer from hirsutism. According to Wikipedia, this is an affliction that results in excessive and increased hair growth in parts of the body where terminal hair does not normally occur. It is a symptom rather than a disease. You cannot be bagging a woman’s unkempt snatch if she is unknowingly suffering from congenital adrenal hyperplasia.

Looking at the glamour shot above, you’d have to be a bit of a fuckwit not to notice that you’re woman has an affliction rather than a thing for 70’s / 80’s fashion. Lets set a Reality Bytes rule: if your girl has hairy nipples and a legit chest rug, you have to assume that she’s aware of it and has likely thought of a number of ways to do away with it to no avail. Either that or you’re dating a trannie and you haven’t noticed his knob yet.

Ok, so lets assume that you’re not dating a chick with an unwanted hair problem.
You’re not happy that she’s got a forest growing between her legs and you want her to put some firebreaks in at the very least. Last week Chuck said that you really couldn’t say anything to a dude with a hairy back because he would more than likely be terribly conscious of his back fur and embarrassed by it. So how does this situation differ? Well it doesn’t really. If you just flat out mention her growth, she’s probably going to get salty and tell you to eat rocks. There are two key differences in this situation, 1) the vast majority of society are trimming, making it a little easier to discuss and 2) back hair is almost an affliction like hirsutism.

So how the hell do you bring it up and not blow your chance of ever pounding it again? The first thing you need to avoid is recoiling in horror when you take her undies off. If a woman senses fear or disgust when you first lay eyes on her poontang you’re in big trouble. You need to act cool, calm and collected no matter how big of a hair saddle she’s riding on. If you’re in the heat of battle, it’s probably not a good time to mention that you’re not hankering for a mouthful of hair pie – just battle through it and bide your time.

The best way to tackle the issue is to discuss it. Chuck isn’t talking about taking her out for a candle lit dinner and then raising the issue over dessert. Chuck suggests that you either work it into foreplay and suggest some mutual trimming as part of juicing her up. The one thing you need to worry about is her apparent lack of grooming skills, especially if you’re going to let her have a crack at your cack and balls. The last thing you want is a rookie with a razor blade fumbling around your fun bag.


You dig deep, battle through the mound of matted pubes and deliver a mind-bending orgasm. Sure you may choke, but the upside is that while she is basking in the glow, she’ll be a little more open to suggestion (plus you have some serious credit up your sleeve after that move and she’ll have that fresh in her mind). You want to suggest that a trim will give you better access to the special parts and that you can take it to the next level. There is a strong chance that she’ll vault out of bed in search of scissors. Once you have got a primary trim in, you can gradually chip away until it’s at a much more manageable level.

The biggest problem that you’ll have is if you are a dud in the sack. If you can't deliver the prime time orgasm then you have no leg to stand on and should probably be thankful that you're pulling pussy in the first place!

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