Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Moet Thai

A number of Reality Bytes readers have emailed in over the last couple of days enquiring as to what a dude like Chuck Long does with himself on New Years Eve? The vast majority surmised that Chuck would hit some of Sydney’s hot spots to bring in the New Year with myriad celebrities, sports stars and drug dealers. There seems to be a strange correlation out there in cyberspace between writing an awesome blog that changes peoples lives and being a true socialite.  Unfortunately Chuck’s going to have to burst the bubble – although the advice is A1 golden and comes from a higher place, the man who writes it is just a down to earth common soul (albeit with magical gifts).

No Chuck spent his New Year waterside, enjoying the company of select friends and welcoming the blossoming year in relative anonymity. Despite this somewhat disappointing revelation, the readers will be pleased to know that Chuck was still on the clock, always available to help an individual in distress. The call came relatively early on in the evening. Chuck was kicking back, preparing himself for the kiddie fireworks with a hearty glass of red when he struck up a conversation with a young lady that we’ll call ‘Debbie’ for privacy sake.

Chuck’s status as leading relationship guru and all-round gentleman was unknown to Debbie who was a party ring-in. This of course infuriated Chuck, since the person who invited Debbie to the bash has had her romantic life saved by Chuck on more than several occasions. This was clearly a case of a person not allowing another to drink from the well. Anyway, Chuck put this disappointment aside and quickly engaged in an enlightening conversation with Debbie. No more than 10 minutes into the chat, Debbie began discussing her interest in sport and fitness. Chuck listened intently, asking salient questions along the way. Eventually Debbie mentioned that she was training in Muay Thai Boxing with the hope to enter into competition in the very near future. Chuck nodded in approval – it’s not often you run across a fighting woman after all. Debbie then took a deep pull of her Bundy and coke, gave out a long sigh and said to Chuck, “Can I ask your opinion?”

Sensing anguish, Chuck responded in the affirmative and Debbie continued, “Chuck, do you reckon blokes are scared off by women who could potentially kick their arse or at least give them a run for their money?”

Great question was Chuck’s first thought but before an answer could be offered, the announcement came that a gourmet meal had been prepared and was ready for consumption. Chuck was keen to respond to Debbie but the combination of food, kiddie fireworks and numerous other people clamouring for Chuck’s attention made it difficult to reconnect in order to assist Debbie.

When Chuck was finally able to reengage with Debbie, it was in the presence of a number of other partygoers and under the influence of more alcohol than is recommended when providing life changing relationship advice. By now the ladies at the party had graduated to cheaper champagne (although Debbie continued to plug away at the Bundaberg Rum). When Debbie raised the issue of Thai Boxing again, the group (mostly led by Chuck) went off on an amusing tangent trying to establish the origins of this form of boxing as well as discussing a number of the punching and kicking techniques. Chuck launched into an elaborate explanation that Muay Thai actually had its origins in France and was named Moet Thai boxing after Claude Moet who was a wine trader back in 1743. As he was trying to start up his business he continually ran into trouble trying to ship his wine from Champagne to Paris as forest rogues were continually hijacking his carriages. In order to protect his shipment, Claude would often travel with his stock and launched frenzied attacks upon the hijackers using both traditional hand-to-hand boxing techniques, but also mixing in deft kicks that he had learned from his Thai boy Friday slave (Pad Thai). Being unaccustomed to this style of fighting, Claude’s foes were no match for him and his sparkling wine business flourished. – Hence the name Moet Thai boxing, oh and Moet Champagne.

Debbie grinned along as Chuck continued to develop the back history of her chosen sport but positively bristled when Chuck began to incorrectly refer to a ‘straight kick’ as a ‘snap kick’. Debbie attempted to right Chuck’s wrong but the laughs were coming too easily and Chuck continued on. Debbie got more agitated until Chuck’s 16th incorrect use of the term. As Chuck finished the word kick, Debbie squared up and launched her own Tae Trong (straight kick) directly at Chuck. Now, Debbie was approximately 4’9 so fortunately she was unable to reach Chuck’s face and more fortunately the height of her kick was above Chuck’s genital region. Nonetheless her forward kick caught Chuck squarely in the stomach where only his well-defined six-pack saved him from severe internal bleeding and organ failure.

This blow to the guts jolted Chuck back to reality. The realisation that Debbie needed some advice then and there was enough to sober Chuck up and direct his focus squarely back to Debbie’s situation. Chuck put down his red wine, wiped the shoe print of his shirt and motioned for Debbie to follow him to a secluded spot where he could ruminate on her issues.

It took a few moments for Chuck to extinguish the burning flames in Debbie’s eyes but once her rage subsided, she sat intently, waiting for Chuck to offer some insight. It was clear to Chuck that she had the intensity to be a champion fighter!

Anyway, since we’re almost at a thousand words and Chuck hasn’t even dished his advice yet, Chuck’ll spare you the dialogue and just get to the point.

Basically, what Chuck conveyed to Debbie was that if she found the right bloke – one with confidence and self esteem intact, then no, that man would not be scared off by the fact that she was a trained killer. It’s the guys with a lack of self-belief or small dicks that are worried about a woman who can throw down. These guys like to exert control and power over their love interest because more often than not, you’re the only thing they can control. So when it turns out that you could mince their face with a number of your appendages they rapidly back off. Additionally it is these fellows who worry about the image you present. They don’t want their mates or mums to know that they’re dating a girl who fights competitively – it isn’t ladylike. About the only way you would be appealing to these sorts of chaps is if you got fake tits, spent 100 hours in a tanning bed and starting professionally wrestling under the pseudonym :“ Chazztittie”. (oh the irony!)

Needless to say Debbie was extremely grateful (and forgiving) as Chuck delivered these words. Chuck could see a sense of hope and meaning in her eyes where the fires of anger once burned.

The sense of hope and meaning was quickly replaced by shock as Chuck delivered the following line:

“What will scare dudes off is the fact that you are 4’9 with a hair trigger temper who thinks nothing of randomly snap kicking people in the guts when you are the butt of an hilarious joke!”

And then deftly ducked Debbie’s surprise Tae Glub Lang (spinning heel kick) and counter attacked with a furious combination of Tae Krueng Kheng Krueng Kao (half shin, half knee kick) and Sok Tee (elbow slash) that if Chuck decided to fully connect on would have sent Debbie to her maker.

Once the urine stopped flowing down her leg, Debbie looked Chuck respectfully in the eye, acknowledged Chuck’s mastery of the art and bowed in respect. Debbie walked away, confident that there was a man out there for her with a newfound template for her search – Chuck Long, Muay Thai warrior.

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