Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Keeping the Faith

Dear Chuck,
I work with a guy who I’m really attracted to, and I think he is attracted to me.  I’m sure its not my imagination that there is a spark. He is a complete spunk, think part David Beckham part Robbie Williams, and all the girls have a bit of a thing for him. We’ve been doing some office flirting and I know you have previously counselled people on not dipping your pen into the office ink – but that’s not even my problem, it gets so much worse! I was commenting to a co-worker that it’s a pity hot-boy hadn’t gone to the Christmas party because I’d had plans to get him drunk and test the waters. Anyway my co-worker says to me “well that wouldn’t have worked, he doesn’t drink, that’s why he didn’t go to the party.” So in jest I reply “doesn’t drink? What’s wrong with him, is he some kind of born again Christian or something?” and to my horror she replies “Yup, and rumour is he’s one of those ‘pledgers’ who don’t have sex before marriage.. so good luck to you, you’ll need it.“ well I don’t think there’s enough luck in the world for me… considering my first boyfriend at uni came out shortly after breaking up with me I really don’t think I’ve got what it takes to turn a Christian.  Chuck, should I just give up now and put him in the too hard basket, or give it a go all guns blazing with nothing to lose?


Dear Eve,

Its times like these that you want to slap yourself in the forehead with the palm of your hand, find a dark and dingy bar and start downing whiskey until it doesn’t hurt anymore. As if finding a decent bloke isn’t hard enough, stumbling into one that is of the David Beckham / Robbie Williams ilk is like coming across the Holy Grail. You’d probably already mentally married yourself off to this bloke, imagined the steamy intercourse and of course the gorgeous spawn that that coupling would result in. 

So finding out that he’s a happy clapper- WOW, that’s an emotional stinger. All of your hopes and dreams come crashing down in a screaming heap. It’s like grabbing onto the Holy Grail, turning to leave, tripping over your shoelaces and smashing it into a million pieces. Yes that dramatic!

This isn’t a cut and dry situation where you either proceed and see if you can make it work or simply cut bait and go fishing elsewhere. Fortunately, you’ve brought your dilemma to your old pal Chuck Long who’ll put things in perspective and help you through this situation.

The easy option would be to say, “fuck it” and move on. Lets face it, if he’s hard-core and you decide to have a crack at a relationship with him then at some stage you’re going to be exposed to his faith or beliefs (wearing one of those fucking ugly head scarfs for instance). Now judging by the fact that you had every intention of “getting him drunk and testing the waters” as you so eloquently put it, Chuck’s going to suggest that you’ve been around the block once or twice and that his puritanical ideology isn’t going to wash too well with you. Imagine the first time you meet him at his house after being out on the champers with the girls all afternoon, toey-er than a roman sandal and all he’s prepared to give up is a peck on the cheek. You’ll find yourself offering to do his laundry so that you can thrust your loins up against his washing machine for some form of relief.

Unless you’re prepared to alter parts of your life, then you are on the mark; it may just be too hard of a nut to crack (literally). Do you want to invest time and effort for no return other than a friend that looks good on your arm and who you desperately want to bone but cant? Sure there’s give and take in every relationship, it just seems that you’d be giving up more.

If you’re anything like Chuck, you’re not one to shy away from a challenge. Yes there are obvious obstacles in front of you here, but as you said there’s chemistry and he’s hotter than hellfire so perhaps it’s worth seeing if you cant just knock those barriers over. Now you probably shouldn’t enter into things with the approach that you’re going to chop this guy up right off the bat – this is going to take some time and a strategy. You need to take baby steps if your going to shake his faith to the point that you can ride his pony. Let Chuck assist.

First thing you need to do is a quick Wikipedia study of what his religion allows. Clearly they won’t be advocating any form of intercourse before marriage but there may be some looser guidelines around touching and feeling or as Chuck likes to refer to it “visiting the petting zoo”.  Getting an idea of the boundaries is key so that you can carefully push them at every opportunity. You’ll be surprised at what you can actually get away with, hell the Greeks invented and actively encouraged taking it in the pooper as a means to preserve virginity. Your bloke would be the most popular boy at bible study if word gets out that he nails his missus in the shitter!

The heavy petting will create a sense of intimacy and allow you to get to know each other better. More importantly you will get some satisfaction. You’ll obviously have to train him up in all of this stuff, unless he went to one of Sydney’s more exclusive private schools where he would have likely received such training from his math teacher or priest. Once the heavy petting is cranking, this is where you can rely on him being a man.

What does Chuck mean by that? Well anytime you can induce a boner with a bloke and at the same time present a question or moral dilemma, you’ll find that the bloke will always follow his shaft. If this guy has to choose between Jesus and his throbbing knob, the knob wins out every time. Once he realises how much he enjoys you handling his shaft and you mention that its even better inside of you, he’ll ditch the faith and worry about the lightening bolts and being cast into the pits of hell later.

Anyway, he has the ultimate out clause – repentance! Fuck him and tell him to ask for forgiveness later, preferably after you’ve had multiple orgasms.

The down side to actually getting into his knickers and stealing his virginity away from him is that if things don’t work out you will have really shaken his faith and he’ll have to live within his community as tainted goods. This may or may not cause some moral issues with you but Chuck thought he should raise it anyway. Another issue that Chuck often sees with individuals who hold out their cherry for a special someone is that when they do give it up they go sex crazy and start throwing it around like a horny monkey. You may end up with a sex fiend

If trying to overwhelm him physically isn’t getting it done, you can always try a little bit of psychological warfare - you’d never buy a car without road testing it first so why would you marry him without taking him around the block once or twice? Lets be honest here however, if you can’t overwhelm him physically then either you’re lousy in the sack or this guy wouldn’t break even if water boarded by the CIA. The mind games aren’t going to overwhelm him unless you can totally convince him that you are the girl that God put on earth for him, which wont make any sense to his family or his religious study buddies since if she was the right woman for him, God would have made her follow his religion.

The sad reality is that if this dude is totally dialled into his religion he’ll probably self select you out anyway. It’s likely that his sect has some Australian Idol wanna-be lined up to be his future wife and try as he might to fight it, God always wins, with Shannon Noll a close second.

1 comment:

  1. Before you 'give it a go with all guns blazing' you better get the whole scoop on the bloke, especially with the whole 'pledger' bit. I knew a happy clapper couple who didn't even snog before locking in for life. They did puzzles etc. when they spent time together. Where do these people come from? I'll never understand. He'd better look like Beckham and have the abs to match, to put up with that crap.