Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Rock Bottom - Celebrity Rehab

Continuing on from last weeks post New Beginnings

After a week of heavily medicated sleep Madame Boodwah found the strength to go into the main breakfast area that extended out to a large balcony overlooking the Pacific.

She walked over to the breakfast buffet to pour herself a pineapple juice and put a croissant on her plate when she felt a hand inappropriately grope her left bum cheek. Normally Madame Boodwah would have reacted in quite a fierce way but because the drugs had numbed her it took a while to process what was actually happening. Once working out it was wrong Madame Boodwah turned to see a man that had a striking resemblance to Tiger Woods but in a bandana, baggy orange pants, gold chains and white basketball shoes.

‘Waz up little bunny’ said not quite right Tiger Woods looking her up and down with a smile that insinuated he wanted to get down and dirty with her.

‘Are you a cocktail waitress or somethin’ cause you and dat booty are very fine’ continued Not Quite Right Tiger Woods.

‘No.’ Said Madame Boodwah insipidly as she turned her back to away heading towards a table. Much to her dismay NQRTW followed her, seating himself quite confidently next to her.

‘So you’re the kinda bunny that likes to be mean n’ keep em’ keen. I like. I like.’ Said NQRTW with a big smile. Madame Boodwah looked at him with a blank expression.

‘Ma names Eldrick Tont Woods also known as Tiger Woods but you can call me Tigs, Little Bunny.’ Said Tigs.

Bored Madame Boodwah took a sip of her pineapple juice and looked at him blankly.

‘I play golf and women internationally. I’m kinda like a big deal.’ Said Tigs worried that Madame Boodwah didn’t understand who he was.

‘Yes I know who you are. I’m a Madame Boodwah’ said Madame Boodwah

‘Get out! You’re a MADAME!’ said Tigs thinking all his Christmas’ had come at once.

‘Man I know I’m not spose to but I’m getting’ a bit lonely so I’d appreciate it if you could hook me up with some fine ass’ said Tigs rubbing his crouch

‘I’m not a Madame of prostitutes.’ Said Madame Boodwah unimpressed. ‘If you’re the real Tiger Woods what’s with the frocabulary? As the real Tiger Woods is articulate and cautious in the press’

‘Little Bunny. It’s called PR. They make practice 20 times in the mirror before I say anything in public but I’m done with it. I just want to be myself now.’ Explained Tiger

‘Could you all please make your way to the lounge room for your daily meet’ came the announcement over the PA.

‘Saved by the bell thought’ Madame Boodwah.

As she entered the room there were 9 men sitting in a circle. Madame Boodwah noticed some of the men seemed very familiar. Looking around she started to realise who they were and wonder why she was the only female.

A chubby man with a blonde mullet stood up from his chair.

‘G’day me names Shane Warne but you can call me Warnie. For those of you who don’t know I’m kinda like a big deal, I played Cricket for Australia. Welcome to your first Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting.’ Said Warnie

‘Whoa back up the track Warnie I’m not a sex addict. Why am I in this meeting?’ asked Madame Boodwah

‘Sweetheart it’s not the first time we’ve heard that excuse. We all know you root like a rabbit but it’s okay there’s no need to deny you’re with friends, we’re all the same.’ Explained Warnie

‘I’ve just lost my fortune. My entire life is gone. This is the reason behind the meltdown I’m not a sex addict.’ said Madame Boodwah in defence.

Warnie walked over to her and placed his hand on her shoulder compassionately. ‘Babe. We all know you’ve got a lover in every port and the expense of this has put you where you are. Don’t worry we’re all the same, there’s no need to live in denial any longer.’

‘You Dog. You’re like the bitch version of me. I got 14 ports!’ Said Tigs looking quite happy with himself.

Madame Boodwah began to sob and sob. It was now clear to her she had hit rock bottom particularly when Shane Warne was her counsellor and she had something in common with Tigs.

‘How could Chuck do this to me?’ Thought Madame Boodwah when a text came through from him ‘I know you’re pissed at me right now but think of the difference you could make and the post you could write ’

‘Maybe he does have a point.’ Thought Madame Boodwah

Stayed tuned to see how Madame Boodwah makes a difference in Celebrity Rehab - Sex Addicts Anonymous

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