Sunday, January 24, 2010

Skinning a Grizzly

Hi Chuck,

I’ve been dating a really nice boy for a while now and things are really really good…. except he has a hairy back. It’s not like a carpet or anything, but it is all over and he’s a young man, surely it will get worse as he gets older… and he’ll lose it off his head and it’ll grow out his ears – you know how it goes.

I know that I’m being really shallow but I don’t find it attractive. Should I tell him this and hope that he does something about it?



Dear Vera,

Fortunately for Chuck and more importantly for Mrs Long, back hair is not an affliction that Chuck suffers. Having said that, you’ve written to a man who cannot find tweezers fast enough should a random dark hair be spotted anywhere from about 3 centre metres below the ear lobe.  There is significant stigma attached to back hair for some reason or another and Chuck does nothing to help ease it which is a character flaw that’s being worked on as we speak as part of a new years resolution – Number 22 – be more accepting of back hair.

You may be asking, “Why the fuck would Chuck try to be more tolerant towards back hair?”. It’s a fair question. First and foremost Chuck is trying to be more understanding of his fellow man. It comes with age and being more satisfied with your lot in life. Secondly , it’s because one of Chuck’s protégés is a sufferer. Chuck knows that many of you out there will be tutting into your skinny latte, suggesting that Chuck is only making more of an effort because the affliction has struck close to home. You know what, you’re probably right. Chuck would have kept up his bigotry towards back fur unless someone near and dear to him was affected. Chuck’s not afraid to admit that he isn’t as perfect as many of you readers perceive him to be.

Anyway, as Chuck became closer to his protégé, it became common practice to remark at random things like the speed at which his facial hair seemed to grow – up to 4 times faster than Chuck’s. On one occasion the protege overstepped the mark on casual dress Friday (which led to a stern rebuke from the impeccably dressed Chuck) by wearing a t-shirt with a low cut neck line. This revealed a thatch of chest hair that was so thick it could have been used as roofing material in poor African villages. One day, Chuck asked the young buck how he dealt with being a seriously hairy dude. The protégé responded that it was a freaking nightmare shaving every single day (since he turned 7). Chuck shook his head in support when the protégé uttered the fateful words “you should see my back”.

Of course Chuck browbeat the young man until he revealed the situation (Chuck thanks the Lord on a daily basis that no one walked into the boardroom that day while the young protégé removed his jacket, business shirt and tie to satisfy Chuck’s curiousity). Once the protégé had revealed his affliction, Chuck took the youngster for a stiff coffee and peppered him with questions.

Of course Chuck asked the questions you’re all wondering: 

  • Why don’t you wax? – really expensive, really painful, ingrown hairs.
  • Why don’t you shave? – well its tough to do it yourself and it isn’t something you can ask you mate to do.
  • What do women think ?– one night stands, you’re normally drunk. Girlfriends I need to make sure that my personality and treatment allows them to see through it.
  • What about getting your shirt off? – I don’t
  • How do you feel about it? – it’s totally embarrassing. 

It was the last response that hit Chuck the hardest. This poor fucker, who lives in a country bathed in sunlight, was locked into his shirt because he was worried about people looking at him. The protégé smiled and offered some words that Chuck now tries to live by, “you can only play the cards your dealt”.  It was an attitude like that and the fact that he is one of the nicest kids Chuck has ever met that allowed him to deal with it.

Anyway, that experience was a sobering moment in Chuck’s life and ever since he has tried to empathise with anyone in a similar situation. Which brings us to Vera’s man. At the end of the day Vera, if you don’t find it attractive you’ve got 3 courses of action: 

  • You say something to him. Now it’s highly likely that he is keenly aware of his back hair problem and much like Chuck’s protégé is totally embarrassed by it.  He’s probably totally happy with you, cruising along thinking that everything is peachy and then WHAM you nail him with this right cross and his world comes crumbling down around him. There’s not really a soft way to suggest that he should clip or wax his back Chuck’s afraid. If you bring it up, you’re hammering him. Either you pray for him to mention it in a negative way and then you pounce or you suggest some sexy pampering where, as part of it, you give him a facial and perhaps mention that trimming the hair back may be the way to go. If you go in this direction, you’re probably going to have to allow him to assist you in self waxing your own beef curtains which wont be pleasant and may result in permanent damage to your genitalia. Chuck’s just saying that for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction! 

  • You can say nothing. This just means that things can never be great between you two because you have an issue with his back rug. Lets face it though, how would you feel if he mentioned your saddlebags or vile breath? Exactly, it would crush you. You may need to suck it up. 

  • You encourage him to get into bodybuilding. Just wait, Chuck has a point. It doesn’t have to be bodybuilding; it just needs to be some sort of sport that he can totally get into that requires a reasonably ripped physique. You know how narcissistic most men are. Once he starts getting beefed up, he’ll want to show the muscle mass off and the best way to do this? Trim the hair back. He’ll start clipping his chest to show off the pec dec and abs, then the legs will get the treatment and then finally he’ll be routinely smearing Nair all over his body to give himself the smooth look. The down sides to this are the time it’ll take to go from relatively normal to ripped (don’t believe that ads that guarantee rippedness in 4 weeks) and the fact that once he’s totally cut out of granite he’ll more than likely dump you for a better model- and one who loves him for who he is!

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