Thursday, October 29, 2009

Screwing the Pooch


I recently hooked up with a woman that I really like. Good looking, smart, great job. Anyway, things were progressing nicely and after a night out it was time to close the deal. We went back to her place and I have to say had some of the best sex that I have ever had. Anyway, she jumps up to use the bathroom, I lay there thinking that life is good. She comes back to the bed holding her dog, climbs in with it and kisses me goodnight. The dog slept in the bed with us all night. I was so disgusted that I couldn’t sleep.

We were back at her place the next night and the exact thing happened.

I am not sure that I can put up with this. Thoughts?


Dear JT,

Chucks thoughts?

Fucking repulsive. How does that grab you?

Apologies to any dog loving reality Bytes Readers out there. In fact apologies to all animal lovers, members of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), vegetarians, vegans, goldfish owners, operators of illegal dog fighting syndicates and greyhound breeders.

It’s bad enough sharing sleeping space with another human being with all the flatulence, dead skin cells, snoring and spasmodic movement that takes place, let alone spending 8 hours with another beast doing all of the same but with non human cells or gases. If Chuck is going to be exposed to airborne fecal matter, he would much prefer it originate from Mrs. Long’s “smelling like roses” derrière than the fly bitten bung hole of some flea bitten mongrel.

Chuck knows that at this point a number of Reality Bytes readers will be pounding their keyboards preparing written correspondence to Chuck detailing how the last footy player they picked up from a local bar paled in the cleanliness and decorum stakes when compared to their beloved pooch. Chuck can appreciate that from time to time you end up with a feral in your bed – that’s your fault for fucking footy players!

Ok, by now, you should have a clear view on Chuck’s stance on the issue. No animals in or on your bed. So how do you make this point to your love interest without completely jacking her off? She clearly loves this pet and you aren’t at a point where she would choose you over it. You obviously like this woman aside from her awful affection for sleeping with animals and more than likely bestiality. Let Chuck spell out a few easy ways to solve this problem:

The simplest way around this would be to poison the pooch. You want to be quite secretive because most women tend to lose interest in a man if they get an inkling that you slayed their pet. Try to be cunning like leaving a gate or door open. The little bastard will more than likely sprint for a freedom where it isn’t trapped under a blanket every night. Other subtle ways to eradicate the beast would be to take it for a walk at a popular dog beach and aggressively bump it into as many big dogs as you can find in the hope that one bites it’s head off. A last straw may be to antagonize it to the point that it bites you then immediately claim that it attacked you for no apparent reason. You will then need to insist that it is a danger to all young children and should be destroyed post haste as a safety precaution.

If you do plan on executing her dog, Chuck would urge you to evaluate how you feel about the whole process while you are performing the act. The reason for Chucks concern? Well, research suggests that serial killers often start out their "careers" by maiming, harming, and torturing small animals. A tell tale sign that you may be sociopathic killer is if you draw out the pets death. It indicates a power craving and a form of control. Make sure that you keep the slaughter short and sweet. Who says Chuck isn’t here to help?

Plan B would be to concoct some elaborate ailment that is exacerbated in the presence of dogs. If you aren’t allergic to dogs, Chucks suggests you carry some tiger balm in your pocket that you can conveniently rub into your eyes whenever the hound is around. Your eyes will immediately begin to sting, go red and water. This is the easiest and most obvious ways to indicate some form of reaction. The downside to all this is that your eyes will constantly hurt like hell and you may potentially go blind. A small price to pay to get the animal out of your life! Be careful that your girlfriend isn’t super industrious and goes searching for $99.00 pet shampoo that guarantees non allergic reactions to poor suckers who have to sleep with the poxy animal.

If you’re at plan C, you’re getting a little desperate. Load up on red meat, beans, beer and avoid a toilet for as long as you can. Pay a visit to your girlfriend and ply her with a few drinks so you both get a little drunk. That night, swallow your pride and unload the most hellacious steaming turd that has ever passed through your sphincter in her bed. This is actually going to be tougher than you imagine – try taking a piss in front of another bloke! This is stage fright jacked up to the nth percentile. If you manage to snap one off, immediately wake your girlfriend and pretend that you are enraged at what the dog has unleashed in the bed (you could really sell your rage by rolling in the stink pile). If she buys that the pooch did it, you will forever have a reason to never be in bed with the thing again. If she doesn’t buy it and pins it on you, you can blame the booze – it slipped out.

If the thought of dropping a deuce in the bed is too much to stomach (Chuck can respect that), then compromise by taking a dump next to the bed. It is still close enough to the bed for you to evoke the old “I can’t trust that thing to not do it in the bed next time” ruling which will effectively have it banned from the bedroom for life.

Plan D would see you simply avoiding ever going to her house and doing all boning at your pad. The upside to that is that you don’t have to see the dog and if she even suggests that she bring it to your place you play the “sorry no dogs allowed” card (even if you own the place- you’re only fucked if you get super serious and start sharing finances in which case she’ll know the joint is yours and there is no “no dog” policy – cross that bridge when you get to it Chuck says). The down side is that you’ll have to put a hell of a lot more work into keeping your place clean and tidy. Who’s Chuck kidding - this woman keeps an animal in her bed so personal hygiene is obviously not a priority.

Plan E involves sitting her down and telling her that you aren’t comfortable with the canine in the bed. As funny as this is about to seem, this may be the toughest option. Why? Well tell Chuck you can’t imagine this conversation taking place:

You – “honey, I really enjoy spending time with you but I am afraid that I am really uncomfortable having a dog in the bed”

Her – “excuse me?”

You – “I’m just not used to having an animal in bed and I don’t like it”.

Her – (frowning) “you’ll get used to it”.

You – that’s the thing, I am diametrically opposed to the principle”.

Her – “this little man / lady has been here for me through some really tough times, he / she loves me unconditionally unlike the vast majority of men that have wandered in and out of my life treating me like a door mat and using and abusing me. If it wasn’t for this little guy / gal I’m not sure that I could have coped, he / she doesn’t judge me, doesn’t tell me I’m fat or that I’m being annoying. He / she just loves me for me which is something that you are demonstrating that you can’t do right now”.

You – (wishing that you’d just poisoned it.)

Hook, line and sinker?

On a mild summers evening Madame Boodwah was at home laying on her zebra chaise lounge engrossed in ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss, a book about the secret society of pick up artists (PUA’s) when her antique classic brass cradle phone rang. Madame Boodwah picked up the phone and spoke into the receiver

‘The Boodwah residence, lady of the house speaking’ in a feigned British accent.

‘Allo Madame, it is your friend Mimi La Rouge. Ow are you?’ said Mimi in a French Tahitian accent mimicking an ex of mine.

‘I am goooood. Ow are you?' Madame Boodwah said mimicking the accent back.

‘I’m okay, I need to go out for a few drinks though. I’m sick of these four walls. Feel like joining me?’ asked Mimi La Rouge switching back to her Australian accent.

Mimi La Rouge had recently bequeathed herself of a relationship that had left her feeling a bit deflated but relieved at the same time.

‘hmmmm, well I’m kind of engrossed in ‘The Game’ at the moment. I thought I’d give it a re-read’ replied Madame Boodwah

A couple of years back Madame Boodwah before she had even read the book although had heard about it noticed a trend in behaviour from the guys that would try to chat her up in a bar or when they took her on a date. An example is a technique called negging which involves getting her to try and feel bad about herself by saying things like ‘you’re beautiful but not like classically beautifully’ when really that just showed how insecure they were.

‘Why are you re-reading that book again? It so doesn’t work on Australian girls. We so see through that shit! Come on, come out with me, just one drink’ said Mimi La Rouge.

Mimi La Rouge did have a point thought Madame Boodwah and realised it was her duty as a close friend to help her drink away her sorrows.

‘Okay just one - I’ll meet you at the Vine’ said Madame Boodwah in her famous last words.

‘Great. See you in an hour’ said Mimi La Rouge.

10 too many Apple Martini’s later Mimi La Rouge and Madame Boodwah were scoping out the talent when Madame Boodwah noticed a not quite right Neil Strauss look a like (bald and slick suit who we’ll call Super Stylin) give her the eye. Within 30 seconds Super Stylin’ walks over.

‘Hello Ladies. Are you enjoying your evening?’ asked Super Stylin’

Mimi La Rouge instantly put up her invisible brick wall of China.

‘Yep.’ She said with an unimpressed smile.

‘We’re having a lovely night thankyou. How’s your night?’ said Madame Boodwah to try and warm up the ice cave he had just walking into.

Madame Boodwah knows it’s a big step for guys to come up and talk to a girl so even if she’s not interested in them will still make an effort because she doesn’t want to discourage them from making the first step with other girls.

However after a bit of small talk he asked if we were single. I told him I wasn’t although I was because I could see where the conversation was going and I wasn’t interested.

‘So where’s your boyfriend?’ asked Super Stylin’

‘He’s working’ Madame Boodwah replied

‘How long have you been together?’ inquired Super Stylin’

‘3 years’ Madame Boodwah replied looking away as Mimi La Rouge nearly choked on her drink trying not to laugh.

Madame Boodwah then tried to flip the conversation back to him asking how his love life was. Super Stylin’ then explained that he was in love with this girl who was 10 years his junior. He had only been seeing this girl for a couple of months after she had only just broken up from a 2 year relationship but then decided to go back to it. Super Stylin’ told us how gutted he was and how in love he was with this girl. He definitely had us drawn in when another guy (Schlick) who had nothing to do with Super Stylin’ smiled at me from a couple of meters away and then walked up to say hello.

After some chit chat he asked who Super Stylin’ was to us. Madame Boodwah then informed Schlick he was a guy we had only met tonight and then relayed Super Stylin’s tale of romantic woe.

Schlick then gave a wry smile and laughed ‘You’ve got to be kidding right? That’s the oldest trick in the book’ he said.

‘Really?’ Madame Boodwah said surprised.

‘Yep, he’s reeled you in hook, line and sinker’ said Schlick smugly.

While Super Stylin’ was distracted by a mate Madame Boodwah lent over to Mimi La Rouge to explain what Schlick had said with my new reservations about Super Stylin’.

Mimi La Rouge then stood up for Super Stylin’ and said ‘No, no he’s a really genuine guy. He’s not like that at all. I feel really sorry for him’.

This whole scenario got Madame Boodwah thinking was Schlick pissing on Super Stylin’s parade or was he genuine? Did Super Stylin’ make up a tale of romantic woe to neutralise the situation in the hope of some naked horizontal charity?


Are we witnessing a revolution in the male pick up scene where men are preying on women’s vulnerability to male emotions being revealed?

Loyal readers your insights are appreciated.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Chum in the water (Part 4) – The Prodigal Son Returns


I hope this finds you well.

I thought I would write in and let you know how everything washed out after our encounter.

I have to say; I went to that bar expecting to drown my sorrows. It was a surreal experience bumping into you and telling you everything. Thank you for listening and more importantly, pushing me in a direction I was scared to take.

Ok, you’re probably reading this inserting your smart-ass comments so I should tell you what happened.

First of all I slept off the hangover!

Over the weekend I replayed our conversation in my head and realised you’re right, I did nothing wrong. This made me more determined to speak to my mate. I showed up to his work on Monday, which caught him off guard. He works in a small office so I knew I could talk to him without too many interruptions.

I have never been so nervous in my life. I just jumped right into it and explained everything that went down. What was really amazing is that I was so paranoid that he would see what was going on but he had no clue at all. He was so surprised that he didn’t say anything. I showed him a few of the text messages just to prove what I was saying. I told him that I did nothing and tried to stop everything.

He did try and say that surely I was involved or had encouraged it but I just kept saying that I did nothing. I told him that after a lot of thought that I decided that telling him was the best decision I could make. I would understand if he didn’t want to talk to me anymore but that if I didn’t tell him our friendship was over anyway because I would be too awkward being around his girlfriend.

He actually asked me what I thought he should do. That was a bit of a shock. I tried to think like you and be honest. I said that he should confront her and find out what she was on about.

Anyway, he didn’t dump the slut the next day, and we didn’t speak for about a week or so. Even then it was different to how it usually was. But he stopped over at my place last weekend with a carton and told me he’d dumped her. He said he’d confronted her on it after we spoke and she denied it totally (pretty lucky I kept the texts). Anyway, he said it had made him think about her more and when she lied he decided that was it.

I also got a text from her last week saying, “thanks for fucking my life”

Thanks for all your help again Chuck and I hope that I can stay in touch



Jesus Tommy, Chuck wasn’t serious about spilling the beans to your mate! You’re lucky he didn’t beat you to within an inch of your life! What sort of imbecile listens to a random stranger in a bar?

Chuck’s jerking your chain Tommy – you did real well.

Chuck is forever being confronted by people who take the road most travelled. The easy option would have been to sweep it under the rug, sever your friendship with your mate and move on. You confronted your demons, stepped up and took care of business.

In all likelihood you will find your friendship has elevated to another level – (brotherly love, only slightly more sexual). You have crossed the line that males are so often scared to traverse. You were open, honest and emotional. The days of the non eye contact handshake greeting are over (which is good for you Tommy - Chuck has to tell you that infants offer a firmer grip than you do– work on that!), you guys will be bro-hugging before you know it. Letting your mate know that you were prepared to end your friendship in order to be upfront with him is a massive step and he will always appreciate and trust you for that (which means you could probably pork his next woman and get away with it!).

His nut job ex-girlfriend’s reaction is unsurprising. She was clearly living in la la land anyway so it makes sense that she would try and pin it on you. If you ever found her attractive, right now would be the absolute best time to put her through the bedsprings hate fuck style. That sex could be explosive – her fruitiness combined with your anger could result in chafed genitals. Be warned however, if you put your cock in any of her orifices, you’ll get no help here in the aftermath. You can only dance with the devil so many times!

Chuck tends not to mix business with pleasure Tommy so catching up in the future may not be an option. On top of this, there is a strong possibly that Chuck has irreversible bladder damage after continually drinking with you on a belly full of urine (Do you know how unsightly a colostomy bag is? - What Chuck will do to save a young soul). However in this instance and once Chuck rehabilitates his bladder back to full strength, perhaps a catch up gin and tonic can be on the cards. After all, if your mate is turning to you for advice, Chuck needs to make sure that his protégé is singing the same tune!

Nipple Cripple

Dear Madame Boodwah

Recently my new beau has been getting on my nerves not only is his snoring driving me up the wall but he has made a few comments about my nipples such as ‘gee your baby is going to have a hard time suckling on them’ and ‘does your mum have ones like yours?’

I’ve always thought they were quite normal and I’ve never noticed they were any different to the average girl but I guess I don’t look at other girl’s nipples or think about mine until recently.

So now I’ve developed a small nipple complex, how do I get over this Madame Boodwah and do you have any tips on controlling snoring?

Heidi Beam

Dear Heidi Beam,

One of Madame Boodwah’s philosophy’s in life is; no matter how shit you feel about yourself there will always be someone out there who can make you feel better about yourself. In your case it’s Donatella Versace.

In today’s society unrealistic expectations of what nipples should look like are set from the images seen in magazines and porn (soft and hard).

The truth is they come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colours so the ones men see when they get a real girl in the sack (and it doesn’t happen often for them) are generally different to the ones that have been rearranged with a surgeon’s scalpel (a bad example is Tara Reid) or airbrushed in Photoshop.

In doing what the Boodwah’s do in order to make other people feel better during times of discomfort I will share with you a Boodwah family tale about nipples.

A few years ago the Boodwah famille were sitting around Grandpa Boodwah’s bed as he had just died. A few of the family members missed his passing but when they arrived Nana Boodwah in the spirit of Weekend at Bernies encouraged them to talk to Grandpa Boodwah’s corpse as if he were still alive.

My 16 year old brother at the time being the confused little soul he was didn’t know what to say except blurting out "I GOT A NIPPLE RING!" quickly lifting up his shirt to show the piercing then burst into tears. Now Nana Boodwah did love her grandchildren and in order to make him feel better thought she’d relay the story about the night her and Grandpa Boodwah celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.

"One evening before our anniversary dinner we were talking about how we should celebrate our big evening when I decided I would cook a big dinner for Grandpa Boodwah" started Nana Boodwah "Then Grandpa Boodwah suggested we should do what we did on our wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked" Nana Boodwah said smiling.

Everyone surrounding the bed suddenly had a look of ‘shit here we go’ and my mother the Judge insisted she had to go get something from the car.

"I agreed and later that night at the table I said, Lamb Chop, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago" explained Nana Boodwah seductively as my father spat out his water all over my dead grandfather in disbelief of what he just heard. Nana Boodwah grabbed a tissue passing one to my father then started to wipe the water off Grandpa Boodwah’s face lovingly and continued "Then Grandpa Boodwah thoughtfully reached over for my hand and said I think that’s because they are sitting in your soup dear."

There were a few laughs trying to be hidden with coughs. Nana Boodwah sat back down then said "Did I tell you about the time I gave him a nipple cripple?"

We were all quickly looking at all corners of the room in search of distraction.

"It’s a tactic I used for when he was snoring so he’d roll over and stop. This one time…" said Nana Boodwah when I interrupted her and said "Nana I think we should probably go call the funeral parlor" "Yes you’re probably right dear" replied Nana Boodwah.

So yes we are the Boodwah’s but as confronting as Nana Boodwah’s stories can be I would take a leaf out Nana Boodwah’s book of wisdom and follow through by putting his nipple between your thumb and forefinger and giving it a sharp twist.

To be honest it’s kind of wrong/creepy for your boyfriend to ask about your mum’s nipples and talk about childbirth while looking at them. It seems he’s after a mother not a girlfriend.

Good luck Heidi Beam but if it doesn’t work out between you and your boyfriend I wouldn’t be too disappointed.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Chum in the water (Part 3)

Started here:

Continued from here:

Despite Chuck’s optimism, Tommy now had the look of a man with severe constipation. Sitting there, knuckles pressed against his forehead, Tommy was a beaten man.

Chuck sat up straight, cleared his throat and swirled the ice in his drink. It was make or break for Tommy right here and Chuck had to pick his words and actions carefully, very carefully.

“Tommy” Chuck said in a tone that Tommy had yet to hear – more formal and business like. Tommy looked up, his hair ruffled, his face pale and gaunt. Chuck continued, “When did you receive the royal flush?”

“Last Saturday. Do you know how embarrassing it is to walk out of a pub soaking wet and reeking of piss?” asked Tommy.

“You don’t know Chuck too well,” replied Chuck, a wry smile across his face.

“Well, it has been the worst month of my life Chuck and it’s not getting better,” blurted Tommy, “fortunately she hasn’t had any contact with me since”.

At that, Chuck stood up.

“Where are you going?” inquired Tommy.

“Tommy, It’s time to straighten you out. DO NOT MOVE,” said Chuck as he moved away from the table, patting Tommy on the shoulder as he walked past.

Tommy watched Chuck head to the bar and start making small talk with a stunning blonde. The wheels in Tommy’s head started spinning immediately. He was in no state to chat up any woman that Chuck brought over. How did he look? How many drinks had he had? How did he smell? What was his breath like? Was his place a pigsty? Did he have any connies in his bed side table? Jesus, Chuck had been right on everything so far, but was nailing some random bird going to sort things out?

Tommy was so busy trying to figure out where Chuck was going with this move that he barely noticed Chuck sliding back into his seat with two more drinks and a napkin.

“Who was the blonde?” asked Tommy

“Way out of your league” stated Chuck bluntly

Tommy’s shoulders slumped.

Chuck pushed the drink to Tommy and then handed over the napkin and a pen.

“Are you a man or a mouse?” asked Chuck, his voice once again in business mode.

“What do you mean?” a confused Tommy asked.

Chuck glared at Tommy, “Are you going to let this psycho nut job keep kicking you in the balls?”

“I don’t want to but I don’t know what else to do” Tommy mumbled

Chuck adjusted his collar again and offered; “Tommy, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t”

“What?” asked Tommy.

“Start writing this down” said Chuck.

“Look, you have two, possibly three options here as far as Chuck sees it, none of which are painless,” continued Chuck.

“Option one – you say nothing”

“Option two – you tell your mate”

“Either way you’re fucked” said Chuck with a swipe of his hand

Tommy ran his hands through his hair slowly,” What about option 3?”

“You hire a hit man and have her taken out” smiled Chuck.

Tommy shook his head slowly and asked “do you know anyone who could take care of something like tha…….”

“Whoa, settle down big kohuna! You’re not at that stage yet,” said Chuck abruptly ending Tommy’s sentence.

Chuck took Tommy’s willingness to put a hit on the witch as a sign that it was time to close the chapter on this book. “Tommy, your average bloke would try and sweep this under the rug and get on with life. The downside to that is that things will never be the same between you and your mate while his basket case missus is still loitering around the traps. You will forever be on edge whenever she is around or more likely, you’ll just stop seeing them altogether. If you don’t say anything at all, your friendship will be done and dusted. Worse yet, say you leave it, you have even less of a leg to stand on a year down the road if the mentalist decides to confess. Your story will have even less credibility”

“Are you kidding me Chuck? How the fuck am I going to tell my mate? Asked Tommy incredulously.

“Settle down chief” said Chuck as he sipped his drink calmly. “First of all, you have missed one crucial piece of information in this tale of woe”

“Fact one – you’ve done nothing wrong”

“Like my mate is going to believe that” an agitated Tommy coughed.

“Chuck’s assuming that you kept every text, email and facebook message that the stalker sent you? All that stuff’s admissible in a court of law,” continued Chuck, unfazed by Tommy’s doubt. “On top of that, the only thing she has on you is one text saying that you were keen to forget it and an extremely rude email telling her to eat rocks. She has no dirt on you”.

Tommy looked at Chuck and for the second time in the night sensed that Chuck was going to lead him towards the light. “Please go on Chuck” asked Tommy

“Chuck never said this was going to be easy, but at the end of the day, you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror. Its time to get on the front foot and take charge of this shemozzle,” stated Chuck.

Chuck dusted the front of his smart charcoal trousers and went on, “You say nothing and you lose a friend. You tell him what happens, he blows up and you lose a friend. On the other hand, he may stop, think about his girlfriend and realise that she is in fact a dirty strumpet and punt her to the curb. As Chuck said, at least you’re putting yourself in a position of control here. You are steering your own destiny, rather than being shoved head first into a urinal repeatedly. If you’re going to go down, go down swinging young soldier!”

Tommy was furiously scribbling all of Chuck’s words down, but looked up to ask, “So how do I do this?”

Chuck continued, “Tommy, the doing is the simple part. You need to catch him off guard when he doesn’t have any time to think about why you are there and what you are doing…”

“Like at work?” gasped Tommy

“Well work is good as long as he doesn’t burst into a sobbing mess and tarnish his reputation in the workplace” shrugged Chuck. Plus, there are normally a lot of people around”

“Why does that matter?” inquired Tommy.

“In case he tries to kill you,” said Chuck rubbing his hands together and smiling.

“Oh” said Tommy.

“You just have to go in there and lay it on the line Tommy. Spell it out from day 1 -DO NOT MENTION THE FUCKING HOBBY FARM! He needs to know how it started, how it progressed, how you reacted and of course why you stank like urinal cakes and stale beer at the pub last week. It is important that you say that you fought this at every opportunity and that your friendship is the most important thing to you. It will also be helpful in case of emergency to have a few of her lurid text messages on hand,” lectured Chuck.

“And to be quite frank my friend, he wont take it well. He’ll ask plenty of questions and he may range through a number of emotions. Sit there, and take it all. This will not be easy for him” warned Chuck.

An empowered Tommy looked at Chuck, but before he could speak Chuck continued, “Tommy, you’ve sat here and poured your heart out to a well dressed stranger. You’ve been honest and emotional and Chuck can tell that you’re damaged. This is the right thing to do for both you and you’re friend. But more importantly, you can do this!”

Chucks eyes burned with passion as he continued “March in there, look your friend straight in the eye and tell him what he needs to hear” said Chuck emphatically, remembering his introduction to Tommy earlier in the night. “Oh, and try to shake his hand with a little more grunt than a wet newspaper.”

Chuck emptied his glass, stood up and adjusted himself.

Extending his hand towards Tommy, Chuck said, “Tommy, Chuck knows that whatever happens, you’re doing the right thing”.

Tommy stood up and ignoring Chuck’s outstretched arm wrapped himself around Chuck.

“Hey watch the jacket bud!” cried Chuck as he stiffened

“Sorry Chuck”, stammered Tommy as he leaned back. I don’t know how to repay you, you’ve listened to me and you’ve pushed me in a direction that I was too scared to travel. I don’t know how to repay you.”

“Well Tommy, you can let Chuck know how it all panned out” said Chuck as he offered Tommy a Reality Bytes business card. “Stay in touch young man”

“I will,” said Tommy

Chuck began to walk away towards Mrs Long before turning and looking at Tommy again, “Oh, there is one more thing you can do Tommy”.

“Anything Chuck, what is it?” an excited Tommy said

“Well you can fix the bar man up for the 14 gin and tonics we just polished off!”

Tune in on Wednesday to find out how Tommy went.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Chum in the water (Part 2)

Continued from:

“Fuck me Tommy, you’ve really made a meal of this,” said Chuck shaking his head and knocking back his G&T.

Tommy had the look of a beaten dog and Chuck could tell that this story was far from done.

Needing to piss like a racehorse, but fearful that Tommy was a flight risk; Chuck caught the barman’s eye and scrambled two more G&T’s.

“Look Tommy, you’re talking to a man who’s seen it all when it comes to relationship disasters. Short of skinning this tart alive, there is nothing that can rattle Chuck’s resolve to help you out of this mess.” stated Chuck emphatically.

Tommy raised his head, “Chuck, I just feel horrible about this whole fucking situation” and as if to emphasize the point, Tommy pounded the table (it was weak, he did have girlie wrists after all).

“Come on Tommy, let Chuck hear the rest of this” coerced Chuck.

“Alright, so I still had two more days stuck at the beach house with these guys and it was uncomfortable. I had to pretend that nothing was up while at the same time feeling like I betrayed my best mate AND avoid his girlfriend who was taking every opportunity to be around me whenever she could. I ended up buying 3 cartons of beer and drinking myself into a stupor for the next couple of days which made me feel a little better” continued Tommy.

“Ahh the makings of many a fine alcoholic” chimed Chuck.

“Well what the hell else was I supposed to do?” snorted Tommy

“Long walks on the beach to nowhere, two more days of pounding the German backpacker, pretending that you were training for a triathlon, sand sculpting” responded Chuck helpfully.

Tommy ignored Chuck’s last statement and continued, “Then I had to share a car ride back, which was excruciating. I felt like she was staring at me the whole time and that at any moment my mate would see it and snap. We got to my place, I grabbed my stuff, said a hurried goodbye and headed inside where I planned to bunker down for a week and let this shit storm blow over”.

“No more than 18 hours passed and it started,” said Tommy.

“A burning sensation when you piss? That filthy German strudel gave you a sexually transmitted disease didn’t she?” queried Chuck.

“I wish Chuck, I wish. No, the text messages. My mate’s girlfriend starting messaging me” said Tommy as he rubbed his face in despair.

“Booty call?” asked Chuck

“The first one was pretty straightforward saying that we had made a mistake and that it was probably best to just try to forget about it,” replied Tommy

Chuck rocked back in his chair and adjusted his crisp collar; “call Chuck Nostradamus, but you responded in agreement didn’t you Tommy?”

Tommy looked genuinely astonished “yeah, how did you know?”

“Tommy, Chuck knows his shit first and foremost. Secondly, you want to put this debacle to bed so of course you’re going to jump at any opportunity to end it. Unfortunately for you, you’re dealing with a nut job and she clearly doesn’t want to hear that it isn’t going to go anywhere. So of course you’re text is going to spark a bushfire of irrational and emotional actions” stated Chuck in a business like manner

Tommy exhaled and said “Jesus Chuck, you should really start a blog or something on this sort of stuff. You’re amazing and could really help people”

Chuck smiled knowingly, waved to the barman for 2 more drinks and told Tommy to continue.

“So over the next 2-3 days I received a barrage of text messages, emails and facebook hits. It started to get full on with this chick telling me that she was in love with me and that we should move away and be together. She kept going on about how she could tell from my body language and actions towards her that I felt the same way about her”. By now Tommy was getting agitated like someone was pouring lemon juice into an open wound.

Leaning in closer to Tommy in a show of faith, Chuck asked, “you didn’t reply to any of that shit did you?”

“Chuck, after the first response I totally shut it down…..” mumbled Tommy

“Tommy, DO NOT FUCK with Chuck,” said Chuck firmly

“Ok, I did email back once, but it was maybe the meanest email I have ever written. I’d had enough of it so I told her I never really even liked her as a person and how my mate could do better. Have I made things even worse Chuck?” Asked Tommy in desperation.

“Did you call her a fatty?” asked Chuck as he reached up and patted Tommy on the cheek. It was at that very moment that Tommy knew that the immaculately dressed man before him was going to be his saviour. To absolve him from his guilt and restore his life to what it once was.

“Chuck needs you to finish this tale Tommy, please go on” said Chuck as he leaned back in his chair ready to hear the rest.

A suddenly calmed Tommy carried on; “well, the mean email didn’t have its desired effect but it did slow the stream a little, until by the 5th day it stopped. I finally felt like it was over and done with. I had a night out planned with the boys so I pulled myself together and decided to get out and about. “

“Attaboy Tommy, get back in the game and get your hacks in” Chuck offered as he motioned to the barman for another round of gin.

“Well that was the plan Chuck. It was about 10.30, when I noticed my best mate across the bar; he gave me a bro wave (a raised hand / forearm that looks like a frozen in time karate chop) and started heading my way. I was fairly relieved and it felt like things were going to be back to normal. I bought him the coldest beer on earth and started talking shit like the old days,” said Tommy as Chuck noticed the black cloud reappear over his head.

“The psycho nut job then appeared from behind, grabbed your arse playfully and kissed you sloppily on the cheek with a little more vigor than a mate’s girlfriend should didn’t she” said Chuck as he sipped his beverage.

“No, fucking seriously Chuck, you need a forum to share this gift” stammered a disbelieving Tommy. “Yeah that’s exactly what happened. It scared the hell out of me and I was paranoid my mate would see through it and smash his beer glass across my face. I gulped ¾ of a beer down and hastily made for the toilet,” said Tommy.

“I was so rattled that I had one of those pisses where you stand there not actually being able to piss despite really needing to….”

“Stage fright, it happens to the best of us. Did you have a gargantuan black American sailor taking a leak next to you?” questioned Chuck.

“NO! I was totally frazzled and had a million thoughts running through my head. I couldn’t get a thought straight let alone piss”, fired Tommy.

“So after what seemed like an excruciatingly long time, the urine started to flow and it actually had the effect of making me feel better. I was about half way in when I all of the sudden I hear the girlfriend behind me asking why I was ignoring her!” exclaimed Tommy.

“She was in the men’s shitter?? Perhaps she was after a golden shower Tommy, didn’t you ever think about that? Asked Chuck.

“I wasn’t thinking about anything, I was lucky I didn’t piss down my leg. On top of that I couldn’t stop mid way through a piss so I tried to power piss which made pee spray up off the urinal onto my leg anyway” a dejected Tommy moaned.

“Lucky you didn’t blow out your urethra” offered Chuck

“So while I am trying to finish this piss as quickly as possible, the girlfriend comes up directly behind me and whispers in my ear that she wants me…..”

Chuck lunged forward in his chair and clapped his hands, “Chuck knew she wanted you to piss on her!”

“I probably should have sprayed on her,” said Tommy, “but I was so keen to shake it off and finish that I just said really forcefully FUCK OFF!”

Chuck slumped back, “Uh oh”

“Yeah, she grabbed the back of my head and pushed me into the urinal. I had one had on my dick and the other holding my pants’ so in I went headfirst. Now I was covered in piss and smelt like urinal cakes and stale beer,” a downtrodden Tommy said.

“Could have been worse, you could have been taking a shit” an optimistic Chuck declared.

Check in on Monday for Part 3

The Not Hot Scot

If there is one thing that Madame Boodwah believes in this life, it’s this; no matter the shituation, everything will work out okay. Even if things don’t work out the way we would have liked and even if we can’t see it at the time in the long term it’s for our own good.

In the midst of a sweltering Australian summer in 2004 Madame Boodwah’s BFF Miss Doodwah returned from Paris after living there for 2 years (she wanted to be closer to her family).

Moving home to a one horse town was a struggle for her. Actually, it was more like trying to ski uphill in a town with no hills… or snow.

After 6 months with no men and no culture, things were beginning to wear a bit thin with Miss Doodwah, and she began toying with the idea of moving back to Paris, but her luck was about to change!

That evening Miss Doodwah was dragged out for her 10th hens night of the year when she noticed a tall, dark and handsome stranger, sporting a blue and green tartan kilt, trying to make eyes with her from across the dance floor. She gave a little smile back. He grooved his way over to her, while trying to avoid the array of dance floor smut.

‘Hello there, I’m the Hot Scot’ said the man with the Scottish accent.

Miss Doodwah smiled, “I’m Miss Doodwah” she said, ever so seductively as she took a sip of her martini - shaken not stirred of course! Yes, Miss Doodwah was very particular about how she liked things done but that’s what made her such a great architect. ‘Finally someone who hasn’t fucked my 2nd cousin, been out with my friend or is related to me’, she thought.

He asked for her number and what followed was a series of romantic dates during which she fell head over heels for him and love was swell.

As the next 6 months passed she forgot she was living in a one horse town. The Hot Scot was her knight in shining amour and even though at times she did miss her Parisian lifestyle, life was becoming more bearable.

Until one day when she got a phone call from her old company in Paris with an amazing job offer that would give her sponsorship with a big salary increase. Her heart was torn – on the one hand she had met the man of her dreams, who took her away from the monotony of the everyday life in a one horse town, on the other the golden ticket to Paris where her days of superb champagne, cheese and chocolate mixed up in her café latte lifestyle awaited her.

Frantically she called Madame Boodwah to dissect the shituation, as it put a lot of pressure on a relationship that was only 6 months old. Should she stay and peruse this young love or should she head for the land of champagne and art?

Eventually the decision was made as the Hot Scott convinced her she was the one, and he had mapped out a future for them, that included running their own business together and raising a family. She decided to stay in the name of love and made the difficult phonecall to the Paris office.

Life carried on blissfully for the next 2 weeks until one night the Hot Scot came over dressed in his blue and green tartan kilt with a pale white face cowering at her door. ‘What’s wrong?’ she asked guiding him to the couch.

‘I’m not sure how I feel about you anymore’ said the now Not Hot Scot.

Like you, Miss Doodwah’s jaw dropped.

Here she had just given up the career opportunity of a life time for the love of the Not Hot Scot and now he wasn’t sure how he felt about her!?!

Miss Doodwah called Madame Boodwah in tears, it was awful. Madame Boodwah wanted to castrate what little this spineless imbecile had under his blue and green tartan kilt.

Miss Doodwah’s head was spinning, the now Not Hot Scot had decided he was going to get back to her in 2 weeks to work out where it was all going. Miss Doodwah took the matter into her own hands and made the decision to end it her self because the Not Hot Scot was lacking testicular fortitude and was still unsure.

That night she made a call to Paris and fortunately the job was still on offer.

When she first moved back to Paris she still got texts from the Not Hot Scot with kisses and hugs but she soon realized it was because he was looking for someone to rub his ego and eventually stopped replying to him.

6 months later life in Paris was bliss and after settling back in and finding happiness again she attracted a new relationship into her life with a guy she had been friends with for years.

If there is one thing that Madame Boodwah admires about Miss Doodwah it is the way she handled the shituation and moved on from it with such grace. When I hear the happiness in her voice and emails I think that it was almost a divine intervention that it didn’t work out with the Not Hot Scot because if it hadn’t of happened would she be as happy as she is now? In ways I think not.

In the words of Chuck if some ‘fuck knuckle’ has given you massive amounts of grief and is unsure of how he feels about you dump the sucker and have faith that a good thing could be waiting for you on the horizon.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Chum in the water (Part 1)

Chuck was recently at one of Sydney’s hottest new ‘small’ bars doing what Chuck does best; mingling with the people, looking exceptionally sharp and generally being charming. The time came for a round of drinks so Chuck headed for the bar to fulfil his drink buying obligation. As Chuck rattled off the laundry list of beverages that he was charged with procuring, it became obvious to Chuck’s highly attuned senses that he was in the presence of a troubled soul. Rather than spend 10 minutes searching around for the black dog, Chuck simply asked the barman who last bought a gin and tonic (the depressive man’s drink). The barman pointed out a bloke in the far corner, sitting forlornly hunched over his glass, looking like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

Chuck palmed the tray of drinks to the awaiting mass of thirsty punters, informed Mrs Long that he had work to do and headed for the young man, ready to assist in easing his burden. Chuck asked if he could pull up a pew and accepted the barely audible grunt as a yes. Long time Reality Bytes readers will know that Chuck’s style is straight ahead, no holds barred, no beg-your-pardons, so with no small talk Chuck asked the bloke the cause of his ails.

Now obviously having a ridiculously good looking and well dressed man sit down next to you and ask you what was wrong can be a confronting experience, but as Chuck correctly guessed, this dude was at the end of his tether and had nowhere left to turn. He was willing to put all his eggs in Chuck’s basket.

He took one last pull on his gin, introduced himself with the potentially the biggest wet fish handshake that Chuck has ever encountered and spluttered that his name was Tommy*.

*Name changed to protect the identity

“Its like this” mumbled Tommy

Chuck leaned forward, sensing Tommy’s angst, keen to show that he was an eager listener and ready to lend a hand.

“I need some advice, I don’t know what I should do - I’ve totally fucked up with my mate and his girlfriend”

Chuck began to nod reassuringly

“Tommy, it happens to be your lucky day. Fate and recently introduced liquor laws have brought Chuck into your life. In your darkest hour, you have crossed paths with a man widely regarded as an expert in relationship advice as well as a genuine good Samaritan” said Chuck with all the confidence of a man who knew the answers before the questions were asked. “Why don’t you go ahead and spell it out for Chuck and then Chuck will show you how to get this bogged vehicle out of the emotional quagmire you are in” stated Chuck.

Chuck reached over and patted Tommy on the shoulder encouragingly. “Tommy, we need to go man-to-man on this one. No bullshit. Chuck needs the nuts and bolts and more importantly the truth” was Chuck’s instruction.

Tommy stuttered “yeah yeah, ok, whatever you need Chuck”

“Ok, so where should I start?’ inquired Tommy

“From the start” Chuck replied

“Err, umm, my earliest memory was climbing on a tractor at a hobby far…”

“Not that early you fuck knuckle, from the start of this saga” admonished Chuck.

“Sorry. Well a group of us decided to head away for a few days to a beach house. There were 3 couples, me, another dude and a chick. My best mate and his girlfriend of 3 years were there” offered Tommy

Chuck interrupted “ah no, you didn’t put your best mates girlfriend on the old rotisserie spit did you? Nothing good ever comes from getting in a three way with your best mate and his girl”

Tommy gasped, “No, no, it was nothing like that”

Chuck looked to the barman and signalled for two more gin and tonics. Chuck knew he was in for the long haul.

“Anyway, we were having a great time – BBQs and drinking, good music, the beach was awesome” continued Tommy.

“What is this, an episode of the great outdoors?” questioned Chuck.

“No, im just setting the scene for you” replied Tommy. “So the first few days were great. On about the third night we had a massive party at our place and ended up getting totally wrecked. One by one, everyone started dropping and heading off to bed. At about 3am it was just me, my mate and his girlfriend and the other random single chick up and still going” mumbled Tommy.

“So it wasn’t a three way, it was a gang bang?” asked Chuck

“God NO, I’m not into that sort of thing” Tommy retorted as he choked on his fresh gin.

Chuck nodded “Go on”

“As with any drunken escapade, we thought it would be a great idea to head down to the beach, so we grabbed roadies and set off. The random chick decided not to come, so it was just the three of us. We were there for about 30 minutes and my mate decided he wanted to come back. It was a beautiful night so I said I was going to stay and finish my beer. My mate’s girlfriend decided she wanted to kick on as well. He was too drunk to put up an argument and he staggered off”. Tommy paused again after his longest output.

“You’ve gone and run one through your mates missus haven’t you Tommy?” Chuck questioned.

“No” said Tommy in frustration

“Well break it down for Chuck and hurry it up will you, Chuck needs to take a leak desperately” stated Chuck

“My mate headed through the dunes and was soon out of sight. I waded back into the water….”

Chuck buried his head in his hands and exclaimed “Fuck, the girlfriend got eaten by a shark!? Surely you know to stay out of the ocean close to dawn, that’s shark feeding time!”

“Chuck, are you shitting me?” said Tommy almost cracking a smile.

“Go on” said Chuck.

“We’re in the water, splashing around, when I get knocked over by a wave. I’m lying on my back and before I know it, this woman is on top of me kissing me HARD. You know, the sort of kiss where she is trying to lick the back of my skull?

Chuck nodded, it was his preferred kissing style.

“Before you even say anything Chuck, as soon as I figured out what the hell was going on, I grabbed her arms, lifted her off me and rolled away. I knew immediately that this wasn’t good. It almost jolted me into sobriety” Tommy confessed. “We both crawled up to the dry sand and sat there not really knowing what to say. I felt guilty and awkward. After about 5 minutes we both sort of looked at each other, she mumbled that she has always had feelings for me and knows that I felt like that about her” continued Tommy

“Do you Tommy?” asked Chuck as he signalled to the bar keep for two more G&T’s.

“No way, not at all, not in the slightest, I promise you,” stammered Tommy

“Chuck believes you Tommy” said Chuck, patting Tommy on the hand in his most believing way. “Continue”

Tommy went on “So I countered straight away that I wasn’t into her and I never have been. That she must have read things wrong and that she was drunk. She seemed to take it really well and realise that it was a mistake” “We agreed that we would put that down to drunkenness and not say a word to anyone, least of all my mate, her boyfriend”.

“Let Chuck guess, that little charade didn’t last too long?” queried Chuck.

“Fuck no” an aggrieved Tommy groaned. “The next day at lunch, I was taking the rubbish out and she follows me around to the side of the house. She had me pressed up against the wheely bin and was going on about how she knows that I felt something, how the sexual tension has always been there”

“It’s a pity it’s your best friends girl. If it was some random dude, you didn’t know too well, you could have pounded the living snot of this girl up against a garbage bin. How many blokes can say they’ve done that?” offered Chuck.

“Yeah well, it was really uncomfortable and I figured the only way out of this was to be a bit mean to her to make a real point of how uninterested I was” continued Tommy

A surprised Chuck responded “Tommy, rookie mistake right there big dog, you know what they say – treat em’ mean, keep em’ keen. Let me guess, your next strategy was to go out that night and try and bag a woman, any sort of woman to really emphasize just how uninterested you were?”

“Fuck, you’re good Chuck” an astonished Tommy replied

Chuck raised his eyebrows and offered “Chuck told you, you were dealing with a guru Tommy”

Tommy carried on “so, I pushed my way past her and dodged her for the remainder of the day, trying to get as drunk as I could as quickly as possible. We went to the town pub where I was throwing pick up lines out to anything that I suspected had a vagina in the place. Fortunately I managed to pull a really attractive German backpacker who was also totally cool. We were dancing, kissing and making plans to escape the pub and head back to my place to close the deal when my mate’s girlfriend came over and started asking why I was with this chick and then telling the German girl that I was a dick”

“Buddy, a real pro would have parlayed this into a legitimate threesome/ hate fuck combo” said Chuck with a disappointed tone.

“Chuck, I’m not even in that league. By now I was just scrambling to save things with the kraut who was clearly tiring of this nutcase badgering us and wondering what the connection was. I managed to steer her out of there and I guess some combination of alcohol, my desperation and her being a horny backpacker lead to a drunken encounter” continued Tommy

Chuck leaned over, slapped Tommy a high five and ordered two more drinks. “Way to make chicken shit into chicken salad big fella” Chuck said with a big smile.

Tommy went on “Things don’t get any better however Chuck…………”

Tune in Friday for Part 2