Sunday, October 11, 2009

It’s my birthday and I’ll blow if I want to

By Chuck Long

Dear Chuck,

My wonderful husband turns 32 in a fortnight and I was hoping to plan him a really special birthday surprise. Then inspiration hit me, you know men and you are a purveyor of great advice so please can you help me?

I thought maybe you could outline the ultimate “guy” birthday so that I can see if I am anywhere near the mark.



Dear Wanda,

Picture Chuck sitting in his ergonomically sound office chair rubbing his hands together and nodding in delight. This is the sort of email that Chuck has been waiting for since Reality Bytes hit the interweb. Fortunately for you (and more importantly your husband) Chuck has put at least 11 hours of thought into this in order to ensure that you bloke has an above average birthday.

Kudos to you for turning this one over to Chuck. There have been too many occasions where Chuck has seen a lady try to make a day special by organising events like picnics, BBQs, social gatherings or outings that while sweet, totally miss the mark. The key with birthdays (and generally males) is to keep it simple. The vast majority of blokes not named Elton prefer simple, low key activities that do not require too much in the way of effort or exertion.

As a female, you need to put yourself in a blokes shoes when thinking about how they would like to spend their ultimate day. If it helps, strip down to your underwear, slide your hand into the front of your pants and play with your genitals - If you want to think like a man, you need to act like a man!

For the most part, things like picnics or strolls along the beach are pleasant activities… that chicks like to do. Sure, your bloke will never say, “I don’t want to go on a picnic or head out for a walk along the beach” so you naturally assume he loves it, but if they had their choice, most dudes would not rank these activities on the top of their lists.

Without further ado, let Chuck map this puppy out for you with some solid ideas:

“THE Birthday”

7.30am – wake your husband up with a blowjob. Chuck knows it’s early and it’s likely that you normally get up at 8.30ish on a Saturday morning, but you’ll need to trust the master here. Set your fellatio body clock for 7.30am (you cant use the alarm as you’ll wake him), slide over and get to work gumming his plums. Every male on earth dreams of someday being awoken by a woman working his pole over orally. By all means jump on the polony pony and enjoy yourself to finish the play off.

The reason for the early start is that A) you want to catch him asleep and B) it allows you to fall into his arms and for you both to drift off to sleep for another 30 – 60 minutes.

9.00am – reach under the bed and hand over the well thought out presents that you have purchased (if you have bought balloon rides, dance lessons or jeans with rips in them you may as well put in for a divorce now on the grounds of irreconcilable differences). Buying solid birthday / Christmas presents is an entirely separate post that Chuck would need to dedicate at least 2000 words to.

10.00am – after a dual shower where you soaped his balls, get dressed and head for a nice local café. Before arriving purchase local newspapers. Sit and eat breakfast while both reading the paper. Be sure not to flip through the “Confidential” section and start commenting on what B grade celebrities have been up to, this will only infuriate him and spoil his entire day.

11.00am – return home and allow him to play with the awesome presents that you purchased him, watch sport, finish reading the paper, surf the internet, listen to music or do anything else that may tickle his fancy.

1.00pm – find a nice pub or brewery (do not take him to some tres wank establishment offering $12 beers and requiring pleated trousers) and order a couple of beers and a steak sandwich (vegetable stack if he is a vegetarian).

3.00pm – Husband free time. Believe it or not, most blokes do not need to be celebrated all day on their birthdays and probably appreciate some down time. If you husband enjoys golf, book 9 or 18 holes and tell his 3 closest golf playing mates to meet him at the course. This gets him out of your hair and allows him the necessary 3 hours to brag about being woken up with a blowjob. You will rise dramatically in the eyes of his friends.

6.30pm – Chuck obviously doesn’t know your husband so it’s going to be helpful to present two options for the evenings entertainment.

With both options here, it is imperative that you put on some of your freak nastiest underwear and be sure to let him get a glimpse of you swanning about the house in it as you get ready. That move alone will put a little pep in his step and ensure that he is friskier than an 18 year old bloke at schoolies week.


A romantic dinner at a nice restaurant.

What, did you think that Chuck forgot how to be romantic? If you pick out a nice restaurant, with fantastic food, wine and ambiance, every bloke is going to appreciate that. What you need to avoid is organising a horse drawn carriage to pick you up, buying him flowers or having a birthday cake delivered to the table. All are soppy and embarrassing and serve to emasculate him. A wonderful meal with his wife is a great way to wrap up a birthday, especially when he is armed with the knowledge that his wife is wearing a dental floss G banger and has already pulled the unprecedented early morning BJ move. His mind will be scrambled trying to consider what could possibly come next?


Get a group of his mates and their partners together (be sure they are actually HIS mates, not a collection of your pals and their boyfriends / partners that he begrudgingly puts up with to keep you happy) and organise a night out at the local greyhound track.

Now Chuck can appreciate that this is not the classiest of places to go but it is a relatively cheap night out that will generate plenty of laughs (what could be more fun than referring to dogs as filthy bitches and playing “spot a woman” in the male dominated domain?), allow your husband to drink some beers with his boys and provide an excuse for you and the other ladies to gamble 50 – 100 bones based on the names and colours of the dogs.

The races are typically over by 11pm which allows the group to decide whether or not they wish to head out for some drinks elsewhere or to wrap the evening up. If your husband isn’t a degenerate gambler who insists upon staying at the track until all west coast races are completed, then taking him and his friends to a small bar for a nightcap is a fantastic idea. Don’t be surprised if your husband isn’t so keen to kick on - there is the strong possibility that he has your skimpy underwear in mind and will be keen to get you home ASAP to put you through the bedsprings in order to cap off his special day.

So there you have it Wanda. Hopefully you’re sitting there reading this saying “check, check, check” as you tick off each point against your list. It’s not rocket science. When it all boils down to it, the key to pulling off an awesome birthday for your man is to keep it so so simple and involve his dick at every available opportunity!

(Mrs Long, please take note)

1 comment:

  1. Is this a page from prenuptial agreement Mrs Long had to sign before you got married?