Thursday, October 29, 2009

Screwing the Pooch


I recently hooked up with a woman that I really like. Good looking, smart, great job. Anyway, things were progressing nicely and after a night out it was time to close the deal. We went back to her place and I have to say had some of the best sex that I have ever had. Anyway, she jumps up to use the bathroom, I lay there thinking that life is good. She comes back to the bed holding her dog, climbs in with it and kisses me goodnight. The dog slept in the bed with us all night. I was so disgusted that I couldn’t sleep.

We were back at her place the next night and the exact thing happened.

I am not sure that I can put up with this. Thoughts?


Dear JT,

Chucks thoughts?

Fucking repulsive. How does that grab you?

Apologies to any dog loving reality Bytes Readers out there. In fact apologies to all animal lovers, members of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), vegetarians, vegans, goldfish owners, operators of illegal dog fighting syndicates and greyhound breeders.

It’s bad enough sharing sleeping space with another human being with all the flatulence, dead skin cells, snoring and spasmodic movement that takes place, let alone spending 8 hours with another beast doing all of the same but with non human cells or gases. If Chuck is going to be exposed to airborne fecal matter, he would much prefer it originate from Mrs. Long’s “smelling like roses” derrière than the fly bitten bung hole of some flea bitten mongrel.

Chuck knows that at this point a number of Reality Bytes readers will be pounding their keyboards preparing written correspondence to Chuck detailing how the last footy player they picked up from a local bar paled in the cleanliness and decorum stakes when compared to their beloved pooch. Chuck can appreciate that from time to time you end up with a feral in your bed – that’s your fault for fucking footy players!

Ok, by now, you should have a clear view on Chuck’s stance on the issue. No animals in or on your bed. So how do you make this point to your love interest without completely jacking her off? She clearly loves this pet and you aren’t at a point where she would choose you over it. You obviously like this woman aside from her awful affection for sleeping with animals and more than likely bestiality. Let Chuck spell out a few easy ways to solve this problem:

The simplest way around this would be to poison the pooch. You want to be quite secretive because most women tend to lose interest in a man if they get an inkling that you slayed their pet. Try to be cunning like leaving a gate or door open. The little bastard will more than likely sprint for a freedom where it isn’t trapped under a blanket every night. Other subtle ways to eradicate the beast would be to take it for a walk at a popular dog beach and aggressively bump it into as many big dogs as you can find in the hope that one bites it’s head off. A last straw may be to antagonize it to the point that it bites you then immediately claim that it attacked you for no apparent reason. You will then need to insist that it is a danger to all young children and should be destroyed post haste as a safety precaution.

If you do plan on executing her dog, Chuck would urge you to evaluate how you feel about the whole process while you are performing the act. The reason for Chucks concern? Well, research suggests that serial killers often start out their "careers" by maiming, harming, and torturing small animals. A tell tale sign that you may be sociopathic killer is if you draw out the pets death. It indicates a power craving and a form of control. Make sure that you keep the slaughter short and sweet. Who says Chuck isn’t here to help?

Plan B would be to concoct some elaborate ailment that is exacerbated in the presence of dogs. If you aren’t allergic to dogs, Chucks suggests you carry some tiger balm in your pocket that you can conveniently rub into your eyes whenever the hound is around. Your eyes will immediately begin to sting, go red and water. This is the easiest and most obvious ways to indicate some form of reaction. The downside to all this is that your eyes will constantly hurt like hell and you may potentially go blind. A small price to pay to get the animal out of your life! Be careful that your girlfriend isn’t super industrious and goes searching for $99.00 pet shampoo that guarantees non allergic reactions to poor suckers who have to sleep with the poxy animal.

If you’re at plan C, you’re getting a little desperate. Load up on red meat, beans, beer and avoid a toilet for as long as you can. Pay a visit to your girlfriend and ply her with a few drinks so you both get a little drunk. That night, swallow your pride and unload the most hellacious steaming turd that has ever passed through your sphincter in her bed. This is actually going to be tougher than you imagine – try taking a piss in front of another bloke! This is stage fright jacked up to the nth percentile. If you manage to snap one off, immediately wake your girlfriend and pretend that you are enraged at what the dog has unleashed in the bed (you could really sell your rage by rolling in the stink pile). If she buys that the pooch did it, you will forever have a reason to never be in bed with the thing again. If she doesn’t buy it and pins it on you, you can blame the booze – it slipped out.

If the thought of dropping a deuce in the bed is too much to stomach (Chuck can respect that), then compromise by taking a dump next to the bed. It is still close enough to the bed for you to evoke the old “I can’t trust that thing to not do it in the bed next time” ruling which will effectively have it banned from the bedroom for life.

Plan D would see you simply avoiding ever going to her house and doing all boning at your pad. The upside to that is that you don’t have to see the dog and if she even suggests that she bring it to your place you play the “sorry no dogs allowed” card (even if you own the place- you’re only fucked if you get super serious and start sharing finances in which case she’ll know the joint is yours and there is no “no dog” policy – cross that bridge when you get to it Chuck says). The down side is that you’ll have to put a hell of a lot more work into keeping your place clean and tidy. Who’s Chuck kidding - this woman keeps an animal in her bed so personal hygiene is obviously not a priority.

Plan E involves sitting her down and telling her that you aren’t comfortable with the canine in the bed. As funny as this is about to seem, this may be the toughest option. Why? Well tell Chuck you can’t imagine this conversation taking place:

You – “honey, I really enjoy spending time with you but I am afraid that I am really uncomfortable having a dog in the bed”

Her – “excuse me?”

You – “I’m just not used to having an animal in bed and I don’t like it”.

Her – (frowning) “you’ll get used to it”.

You – that’s the thing, I am diametrically opposed to the principle”.

Her – “this little man / lady has been here for me through some really tough times, he / she loves me unconditionally unlike the vast majority of men that have wandered in and out of my life treating me like a door mat and using and abusing me. If it wasn’t for this little guy / gal I’m not sure that I could have coped, he / she doesn’t judge me, doesn’t tell me I’m fat or that I’m being annoying. He / she just loves me for me which is something that you are demonstrating that you can’t do right now”.

You – (wishing that you’d just poisoned it.)

No comments:

Post a Comment