Thursday, October 1, 2009

Open 24/7

On a freezing cold morning in the New York winter of 2002 Madame Boodwah was at the gym with one of her best friend’s Choo Choo being driven into the ground by their personal trainer Luce Lips.

Now Luce Lips really loved to talk about sex without sparing any details and once you got her going she didn’t know when to stop.

On this particular morning Luce Lips was sitting on my back as I did a couple push ups much to the amusement of Choo Choo who was doing the same thing but in her high heels and leg warmers. Choo Choo was in training for the New York City High-Heel-athon and had been the winner 3 consecutive years in a row. Imelda Marcos is her god and the only time she takes her high heels off is to change into another pair - so yes she sleeps, showers and goes to the gym in them.

Much to my relief Luce Lips suddenly gets off my back and says ‘Oh my god I’ve gotta go!’

‘Go where?’ asked Choo Choo and I in sync.

‘THE TOILET!’ she exclaimed in a panic.

‘Well go!’ I said sensing it was an emergency.

So off she rushed to go to the ladies leaving Choo Choo and I to admire the scenery.

When she comes back we noticed she had changed her gym pants. I didn’t bother to ask why as I thought she probably had her period but Luce Lips being Luce Lips felt she had to tell the whole gym what the issue was.

‘Don’t you just hate it when your husbands sperm comes out unexpectedly’ said Luce Lips annoyed.

The whole gym suddenly went silent. We all gave her the surprised look of did you just say that?

Breaking the silence Choo Choo in her New York accent asked ‘What is he? An elephant!?!’

‘Well you could say that. My husband always wants sex. Particularly in the morning before I go to work.’ Complained Luce Lips. ‘Now get down and give me 100 sit-ups’ she instructed.

I did the math’s and asked mid sit-up ‘Luce we’ve been here since 6am so does this mean you have sex every morning at about 4am?’

‘Yep and through out the night. I’ve got to the stage now where if I need to go to the toilet in the middle of the night I hold on because if I move he’ll want sex. He particularly loves morning sex because he thinks the pussy marinades over night.’ Explained Luce Lips.

‘So you’ve never closed for business?’ I asked in disbelief propping myself up with my elbow from the exhaustion of the 100 sit-ups.

‘Never. My mother always told me to never let the man leave the house with a full scrotum.’ Explained Luce Lips. ‘That way he’ll never go wandering.’

Choo Choo and I stood up to stretch out when I noticed a small wet patch on my back from where Luce Lips was previously sitting and no it wasn’t sweat because Madame Boodwah doesn’t sweat.

Feeling like a cheap and used Monica Lewinsky, Madame Boodwah felt it was her duty to offer Luce Lips some advice….

Stay tune for next week where Madame Boodwah will explore this issue further and tell you what she advised.

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