I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 months and things are escalating to the point where we are VERY close to having sex. Here’s the thing though, im 27 and im a virgin. Im not particularly religious but I have just always thought I would hold out for that special guy. My boyfriend has been great and now it just seems inevitable that we’ll do it. Please guide me in the right direction
A moral dilemma; Chuck gets feisty when he runs into one of these!
Ordinarily Chuck would assess the fact that you have been with your boyfriend for 7 months and say “hit that shit”. However, you’re obviously conflicted and you’ve come to Chuck for wisdom so it would be remiss of Chuck not to flesh this out a little bit to assist you in making some form of educated decision.
The obvious way to avoid having sex would be to knock off the heavy petting. Funnily enough, arousing yourself on a semi regular basis is likely to be pushing you towards accepting his crankshaft. God invented the clitoris for a reason – sex is meant to be enjoyable. But since you guys seem to be right clicking your mouse with increasing frequency, putting the brakes on things is going to be tough and you’ll end up setting stupid rules like – ‘we can kiss but no hands on each other’. This will last about a week until you find yourself dry humping his leg while grocery shopping.
Look, you know Chuck doesn’t pull any punches, which is probably why you’ve come to Reality Bytes in the first place. This is a big decision, much like buying a dog, so Chuck doesn’t feel right about saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ only to have you traipse off, give up the snatch and then get dumped 2 weeks later. Chuck wouldn’t sleep well for about an evening with that on his conscience.
The best way to do this is to put together a solid pro’s and con’s list that will hopefully allow you to make a call that works for you and your fanny:
Pro’s to boning your boyfriend
1) You wouldn’t spend $20,000 – $30,000 on a car without taking it out for a spin would you? Similarly you wouldn’t buy a nice new frock without first trying it on? So how the hell can you decide if you want to be with a bloke without taking his penis for a ride yourself? Chuck finds it amazing that people get married without consummating the relationship first. There are so many sexual factors that can lead a relationship astray. Wouldn’t it be smart to try and figure out whether or not you are compatible in the sack before you commit to life with a person? What happens if you are a raging horn bag and your partner is content with shooting a wad once a month? Surely that is going to lead to conflict? Similarly, what if you partner is a dirty sex fiend while you are wholesome and clean cut? How are you going to make him bringing home streetwalkers for threesomes work? There’s a lot of shit you need to figure out on the horizontal workbench before you lock yourself in long term.
2) He deserves it. He fucking does! You haven’t given Chuck any info on your man, so lets kick a few things around really quickly:
- If your boyfriend has tossed his sausage down the hallway before, then the guy deserves a freaking medal for holding out for 7 months. His balls could be on the verge of explosion. You guys have clearly been pushing the envelope a little further each time, perhaps even to the point of the “sneaky slide it in but not all the way so it doesn’t count” move. It’s lucky the guy didn’t die tragically in a car crash while running one through the knuckles since he would have been hornier than a Vikings helmet and couldn’t wait until he got home.
- If your boyfriend is a virgin, then perhaps he doesn’t deserve it so much since he is stupid enough to hold out. (Please note: he deserves it even less if he found Jesus and became born again)
3) Once you give up the muff, you can probably expect to have sex at least 346 times in the next 3 weeks. It will be heady days for both of you and you wont be able to get enough of it, you’ll be gagging for his beef bayonet, keen to explore something new each time.
4) It’s an opportunity to see another side of your boyfriend that you’ve never come across. At the moment, he’s tenderly kissing you, stroking your back, spooning you – basically being genuinely tender. Once a bloke gets the opportunity to start dumping his beans on a regular basis, you’ll see his true colours. When you were only heavy petting, he was always concerned about ensuring that he rang your bell. Now that he has on opportunity to unload his seed, you will witness first hand whether your needs remain a priority.
5) You wont end up a spinster- you’re 27, you’ve found a bloke who’s willing to knock the dust off it for you after waiting 7 months. If you pass this opportunity up now, it may never come again (excuse the pun). This may be the last chance you get to avoid ending up as the elderly woman on “Today Tonight” with 97 cats.
Con’s to boning your boyfriend
1) If you give up the coochie, he may blow a load 1.3 seconds after insertion. If he wasn’t a virgin, he may take the back of your head off with his first shot
2) There is a strong chance that if you do eventually break up you’ll become a filthy municipal cockwash (slut) as you will have a taste for the schlong and be desperate to make up for lost time. You’ll be carving up anything that moves (basically you will turn into a male) in a desperate attempt to taste what you have missed.
3) You’ll want to give him head less often
4) You’ll have to figure out the whole contraception deal. Either your dude starts bagging his own groceries or you take the leap and get on the pill. Enjoy bleeding between periods, weight gain, nausea, breast tenderness, headaches, mood changes and blood clots (usually occur only in women over 35 who smoke). These may subside after 3 months – the joy.
5) As above, It’s an opportunity to see another side of your boyfriend that you’ve never come across. At the moment, he’s tenderly kissing you, stroking your back, spooning you – basically being genuinely tender. Once a bloke gets the opportunity to start dumping his beans on a regular basis, you’ll see his true colours. When you were only heavy petting, he was always concerned about ensuring that he rang your bell. Now that he has on opportunity to unload his seed, you will witness first hand whether your needs are a priority. BUT don’t be surprised if his top dresser draw quickly contains a tube of KY (for instant foreplay) and those warm embraces evaporate as soon as his ball butter gets deposited
6) At the moment, everything’s awesome. You lie in bed dreaming of accepting his throbbing manhood into your pulsating mound of pleasure (seriously, Chuck may have a future in cheesy romantic novels). You fantasise about lovemaking sessions that last for days. You picture his hands running all over your body as your skin tingles with each touch. Then the day comes and he mounts you like a rabbit on heat and operates at 2500 beats per minute culminating 3 minutes later in a chlorine stinking squirt. And that’s it. That’s your sex life. How do you deal with that? You waited all these years and you end up with a guy who is a fizzer in the sack. Can you boot him to the curb 2 weeks after giving it up for the first time in your life and the 7 months you were with him? Well yes of course you can, but you may feel a little bitter about the whole thing.
7) Once you’ve chopped this bloke up, you’re pretty much obligated to go out and pork another guy just so you can compare and contrast
8) You’ve lasted this long, stop being a quitter!
Despite the fact that the con’s out number the pro’s, Chuck is still inclined to tell you to pull the trigger – there is so much more relationship baggage to poke through when sex is involved and Chuck’s trying to run a business here afterall!
If any of the Reality Bytes fans are feeling empathetic, perhaps they can write in and offer up their first sexual experience (names will be removed to protect the innocent) or share it anonymously in the comments section to assist Chloe in her decision making process