Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Torn between two lovers

By Chuck Long

Hi Chuck

Sooooo... I figure that maybe you can provide some insight into my very uneventful love life. Please feel free to comment on my retarded male situation at the moment. Currently there are 2 main players on the horizon...

Situation 1: Boy Trapped in Sydney.

Current status: "Friend"

Been friends for a long time now, "accidently" slept with and fell for him before he got a job offer in Sydney and moved there 3 months ago. Since he left we have been talking most days with the occasional drunken 'Love you', 'miss you' correspondence..... He is home for the summer... What to do upon his return?????

Situation 2: Uni Male Flirtmaster 2000

Current Status: “Actively trying to get in my knickers”

Epic flirter at uni who is extremely attractive... Has been hooking up with one of the girls in my year, but gives the impression he couldn't give two shits about her... meanwhile, weekly text messages and calls have been coming in my direction over the last few weeks. At the recent festival on the weekend I was told "I am his favourite" and when he went in for the kill after being involved with girl from uni earlier in the day, I had to politely tell him..." Thanks but no thanks, it seems you have your hands full for today" (you would have been so proud Chuck)

Thank you


Dear J.K

On paper and based on the assumption that there are the only two options available to you then Chuck believes the choice is plainly obvious – Situation 1. But that would be too simple and no one tunes into Reality Bytes for a 1 paragraph answer, so let Chuck throw this one in the oven and bake it for some additional insight.

The fact that you are entertaining some sort of dalliance with situation 2 suggests to Chuck that you are toe-ier than a Roman sandal. His only redeeming feature in your above email is that he is extremely attractive. If you are just looking for some bloke to knock the dust off it then by all means let this guy get stuck into you. However, it is clear that his straw will not only be stirring your drink. He is living the uni blokes dream – slowly (or quickly) working his way through every desirable (and in some instances less than desirable) woman in his class. He will have one hell of a story to tell his mates come graduation day “yep, I porked the class of 2012”. Do you really want to be the one of the most memorable numbers in his life other than his grade point average?

This guy is clearly looking to get his end away as often as possible while at university so either you step up to the challenge and become the greatest sexual experience that he has ever had and take the moral victory or ready yourself for the imminent brush off which will result in some awkward moments at uni when you are stuck in the same class with him. Unless of course you get on the front foot and spread the rumour that he has an incredibly small dick and hope that he has jilted enough women in your year that they will back you up, effectively crushing his ambition to poke every woman in his class.

If you’re not interested in a relationship then notch him up on your head board, but if you have inklings that you might want to be with this dude longer term then Chuck hates to break it to you but your strapping yourself in for a train wreck. Seriously, if he was remotely interested in you in anything other than a sexual predator fashion, why on earth would his paws be all over the other bird?

Guys like this aren’t interested in having a girlfriend while studying. He has pussy on tap, why would he want to limit his options? And even if he did pretend to slow down and date just one chick, he would have some schmoo running on the side. Blokes of this ilk can go one of three ways.

1) Graduate university and continue trying to live the dream. Chasing tail all over the city, propping up the trendiest bars in their quest for poontang and gunning through a series of one night stands

2) End up knocking up one of the chicks from uni, hastily rush into marriage, divorce after 5 years and then try and recapture their uni glory for the rest of their adult life with little success.

3) Finish university and become hugely successful businessmen.

Unfortunately, university playboys that become hugely successful are few and far between (and from this small pool, many go on to start lucrative Ponzi schemes) so don’t bet the ranch on that one playing out. If this guy has dedicated his time at college to drinking, boning and going to concerts, it figures that he probably spent more time with his head in the boobs than in the books.

Chuck needs to switch his focus to Situation 1 (Boy trapped in Sydney). First off, you accidently slept with him? What did you trip and fall onto his dick? Let’s be honest with ourselves here - you slept with him because you wanted to. You obviously like this dude but distance is a terrible barrier to relationships, especially when you are young and nubile and have orgasms simply by bumping into people. Chuck is a little concerned with the “love you / miss you” text bullshit. It doesn’t sound like you were with this guy for very long prior to his career move and the old adage “absence makes the heart grow fonder…….and your memories of the size of his cock” may well and truly be in play here.

A couple of key points to consider:

1) You were friends before you stumbled naked and landed on his erect penis which bodes well for relationships as there is a pre existing bond that is now enhanced with sexual desire.

2) He participated in the accidental root and has been sending mushy text messages so he is obviously interested

3) You’re still in university. You are supposed to be boozing, partying and occasionally studying. There is about a 2% chance that this relationship will actually go anywhere so stop worrying so much about it.

You say he is coming home for summer so Chuck recommends that you accidently sleep with him as many times as you can and see if you can kick start some real relationship chemistry. You have a window of opportunity here to make or break things and see if it is worth trying to figure out some sort of arrangement later down the track. If it doesn’t work out or he has to go back to Sydney, at least you have had a bloke to take you to the beach, buy you fish and chips and railroad you all summer.

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