“Fuck me Tommy, you’ve really made a meal of this,” said Chuck shaking his head and knocking back his G&T.
Tommy had the look of a beaten dog and Chuck could tell that this story was far from done.
Needing to piss like a racehorse, but fearful that Tommy was a flight risk; Chuck caught the barman’s eye and scrambled two more G&T’s.
“Look Tommy, you’re talking to a man who’s seen it all when it comes to relationship disasters. Short of skinning this tart alive, there is nothing that can rattle Chuck’s resolve to help you out of this mess.” stated Chuck emphatically.
Tommy raised his head, “Chuck, I just feel horrible about this whole fucking situation” and as if to emphasize the point, Tommy pounded the table (it was weak, he did have girlie wrists after all).
“Come on Tommy, let Chuck hear the rest of this” coerced Chuck.
“Alright, so I still had two more days stuck at the beach house with these guys and it was uncomfortable. I had to pretend that nothing was up while at the same time feeling like I betrayed my best mate AND avoid his girlfriend who was taking every opportunity to be around me whenever she could. I ended up buying 3 cartons of beer and drinking myself into a stupor for the next couple of days which made me feel a little better” continued Tommy.
“Ahh the makings of many a fine alcoholic” chimed Chuck.
“Well what the hell else was I supposed to do?” snorted Tommy
“Long walks on the beach to nowhere, two more days of pounding the German backpacker, pretending that you were training for a triathlon, sand sculpting” responded Chuck helpfully.
Tommy ignored Chuck’s last statement and continued, “Then I had to share a car ride back, which was excruciating. I felt like she was staring at me the whole time and that at any moment my mate would see it and snap. We got to my place, I grabbed my stuff, said a hurried goodbye and headed inside where I planned to bunker down for a week and let this shit storm blow over”.
“No more than 18 hours passed and it started,” said Tommy.
“A burning sensation when you piss? That filthy German strudel gave you a sexually transmitted disease didn’t she?” queried Chuck.
“I wish Chuck, I wish. No, the text messages. My mate’s girlfriend starting messaging me” said Tommy as he rubbed his face in despair.
“Booty call?” asked Chuck
“The first one was pretty straightforward saying that we had made a mistake and that it was probably best to just try to forget about it,” replied Tommy
Chuck rocked back in his chair and adjusted his crisp collar; “call Chuck Nostradamus, but you responded in agreement didn’t you Tommy?”
Tommy looked genuinely astonished “yeah, how did you know?”
“Tommy, Chuck knows his shit first and foremost. Secondly, you want to put this debacle to bed so of course you’re going to jump at any opportunity to end it. Unfortunately for you, you’re dealing with a nut job and she clearly doesn’t want to hear that it isn’t going to go anywhere. So of course you’re text is going to spark a bushfire of irrational and emotional actions” stated Chuck in a business like manner
Tommy exhaled and said “Jesus Chuck, you should really start a blog or something on this sort of stuff. You’re amazing and could really help people”
Chuck smiled knowingly, waved to the barman for 2 more drinks and told Tommy to continue.
“So over the next 2-3 days I received a barrage of text messages, emails and facebook hits. It started to get full on with this chick telling me that she was in love with me and that we should move away and be together. She kept going on about how she could tell from my body language and actions towards her that I felt the same way about her”. By now Tommy was getting agitated like someone was pouring lemon juice into an open wound.
Leaning in closer to Tommy in a show of faith, Chuck asked, “you didn’t reply to any of that shit did you?”
“Chuck, after the first response I totally shut it down…..” mumbled Tommy
“Tommy, DO NOT FUCK with Chuck,” said Chuck firmly
“Ok, I did email back once, but it was maybe the meanest email I have ever written. I’d had enough of it so I told her I never really even liked her as a person and how my mate could do better. Have I made things even worse Chuck?” Asked Tommy in desperation.
“Did you call her a fatty?” asked Chuck as he reached up and patted Tommy on the cheek. It was at that very moment that Tommy knew that the immaculately dressed man before him was going to be his saviour. To absolve him from his guilt and restore his life to what it once was.
“Chuck needs you to finish this tale Tommy, please go on” said Chuck as he leaned back in his chair ready to hear the rest.
A suddenly calmed Tommy carried on; “well, the mean email didn’t have its desired effect but it did slow the stream a little, until by the 5th day it stopped. I finally felt like it was over and done with. I had a night out planned with the boys so I pulled myself together and decided to get out and about. “
“Attaboy Tommy, get back in the game and get your hacks in” Chuck offered as he motioned to the barman for another round of gin.
“Well that was the plan Chuck. It was about 10.30, when I noticed my best mate across the bar; he gave me a bro wave (a raised hand / forearm that looks like a frozen in time karate chop) and started heading my way. I was fairly relieved and it felt like things were going to be back to normal. I bought him the coldest beer on earth and started talking shit like the old days,” said Tommy as Chuck noticed the black cloud reappear over his head.
“The psycho nut job then appeared from behind, grabbed your arse playfully and kissed you sloppily on the cheek with a little more vigor than a mate’s girlfriend should didn’t she” said Chuck as he sipped his beverage.
“No, fucking seriously Chuck, you need a forum to share this gift” stammered a disbelieving Tommy. “Yeah that’s exactly what happened. It scared the hell out of me and I was paranoid my mate would see through it and smash his beer glass across my face. I gulped ¾ of a beer down and hastily made for the toilet,” said Tommy.
“I was so rattled that I had one of those pisses where you stand there not actually being able to piss despite really needing to….”
“Stage fright, it happens to the best of us. Did you have a gargantuan black American sailor taking a leak next to you?” questioned Chuck.
“NO! I was totally frazzled and had a million thoughts running through my head. I couldn’t get a thought straight let alone piss”, fired Tommy.
“So after what seemed like an excruciatingly long time, the urine started to flow and it actually had the effect of making me feel better. I was about half way in when I all of the sudden I hear the girlfriend behind me asking why I was ignoring her!” exclaimed Tommy.
“She was in the men’s shitter?? Perhaps she was after a golden shower Tommy, didn’t you ever think about that? Asked Chuck.
“I wasn’t thinking about anything, I was lucky I didn’t piss down my leg. On top of that I couldn’t stop mid way through a piss so I tried to power piss which made pee spray up off the urinal onto my leg anyway” a dejected Tommy moaned.
“Lucky you didn’t blow out your urethra” offered Chuck
“So while I am trying to finish this piss as quickly as possible, the girlfriend comes up directly behind me and whispers in my ear that she wants me…..”
Chuck lunged forward in his chair and clapped his hands, “Chuck knew she wanted you to piss on her!”
“I probably should have sprayed on her,” said Tommy, “but I was so keen to shake it off and finish that I just said really forcefully FUCK OFF!”
Chuck slumped back, “Uh oh”
“Yeah, she grabbed the back of my head and pushed me into the urinal. I had one had on my dick and the other holding my pants’ so in I went headfirst. Now I was covered in piss and smelt like urinal cakes and stale beer,” a downtrodden Tommy said.
“Could have been worse, you could have been taking a shit” an optimistic Chuck declared.
Check in on Monday for Part 3