Thursday, October 15, 2009

Harry ‘Not So’ Kewell

Dear Chuck,

I’d appreciate an opinion on a scenario I recently found myself in; I need to know there's not something wrong with me. You see i started seeing someone a couple of months ago and it was going really well - at least I thought it was. You know, late night phone calls that last for hours, a dynamic sex life and that chemistry you feel when you meet someone you think you've clicked with. But then something strange happened. I went away for the weekend with some friends, I had a lovely weekend and of course I missed him, so I called him when I got home and I asked how his weekend was, and here's where it gets interesting. "Yeah, pretty good depending on how you look at it" he said, so I asked what does that mean and he tells me he's decided to get back together with his ex girlfriend!!! What?? I was floored. There’s something I haven’t mentioned, and this is the heart of the problem - he's a professional soccer player, and it seems I didn't make a big enough deal of his "status" (that's just not me). Also, he used to offer to take me shopping and buy me new outfits; I declined because I have my own personal style and didn’t want to end looking like a "Portman’s" girl. But now I wonder if I didn’t do enough to keep him. Should I be making more of an effort if I want to be able to keep a man and not chase right back to where he came from?


Sloppy Seconds.

Dear Sloppy Seconds,

A word from the wise (Chuck) – the minute, the very minute any guy mentions that he wants to take you shopping at Portmans or any clothing chain where they primarily stock clothing that enables 17 years olds to purchase their very first inappropriately short skirt, you should tell him to fuck off and immediately dump him.

That should have been your first warning sign. The second warning sign was trying to doll you up at places where items range from $49.95 - $70. That screams tight prick!

Chuck can appreciate the fact that getting traded in for an older model is an emotional stinger. Tough to take that one on the chin and not ask the question “what’s wrong with me?” It’s even tougher to reconcile in your head when everything appeared to be rolling along smoothly. It’s these sorts of situations where you find yourself curled up in the foetal position in a darkened room wallowing in your own despair…and faeces.

You’re well on your way to healing by identifying that the issue was this dude’s need to have his ego stroked. He wanted to be worshipped and you don’t appear to be the type to play that game. There are plenty of blokes out there who, metaphorically speaking, do not require their pole to be smoked in order to feel good about themselves and the relationship that they are in.

You make the observation:

But now I wonder if I didn’t do enough to keep him. Should I be making more of an effort if I want to be able to keep a man and not chase right back to where he came from?

Well right off the bat, Chuck has to say – what’s to keep? The guy sounds like a douche bag. Even his smarmy “depends which way you look at it” remark makes Chuck feel bad for you for accepting his penis into any of your orifices. So no, with guys like Harry “not so” Kewell, you do not need to make an effort. He just wants some bunny to hang off his arm and make him feel good about himself and his soccer career. In fact, he’s likely to be an absolute front-runner. The sort of guy who parties like a rock star when he plays well, but locks himself away when things aren’t so great. An emotional rollercoaster.

Not every professional athlete is like this of course, but there are your fair share out there who are more than happy to be the centre of attention at all times. They come in all types and it sounds like you landed the emotionally insecure bloke who needs constant attention and admiration to feel good about himself. I bet his first conversation with you was “hey do you know me? I’m kind of a big deal” and after every match he asked you if you thought he played well with no regard of your soccer intellect or understanding? He just needed to hear nice things said about him. The minute you don’t fawn, you were of no use to him.

In general, every man appreciates his woman doing a little bit of hero-worshipping. Whether it be for a well cooked BBQ, an awesomely hung gate, cleaning the shitter for the first time in a month or doing the grocery shopping on their own – all guys want to be told “great work big guy”. Why do you think after sex, every bloke asks, “How was that orgasm?” almost waiting for you to say “THE BEST EVER!” Guys like their egos being stroked. Just some more than others.

Sloppy, you do need to be making an effort to show your man that you appreciate him. You need to let him know that his actions towards you are well regarded. What you don’t need to be doing is setting up a shrine and making him feel like the second coming of Jesus Christ our saviour or David Beckham.

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