Thursday, October 8, 2009

Nasty perfume and a cheap STD

By Chuck Long

Dear Chuck,

My boyfriend of 4 years recently began playing football again (this is the first time he has played since we have been dating). The season has now finished and he has just taken off to Bali for an end of season trip with his teammates for 5 days. I thought that I really trusted him but all of a sudden I am nervous about what may transpire.

Am I wrong to worry?



Dear Coco,

You’ve got Chuck chuckling with your quandary. The combination of alcohol, young males, tropical weather, distance, sporting teams and pack hunting is always a recipe for disaster. In fact the only thing worse in Bali is getting caught with a boogey board cover full of marijuana, although the repercussions from that are probably a little more severe.

If you’re a male, getting out on the tiles in a foreign setting with your teammates is generally a ball tearing experience. Ridiculous booze consumption, alcohol fuelled pranks, dodgy food, late nights and loose women spells team bonding like no other. If you’re the partner of one of the dudes on the trip, times are not always so great. Is it your bloke that ends up ploughing the fake tanned English slapper on the kitchen counter while the rest of the team plays cards and watches on?

A lot is made of the antics that the lads get up to on their end of season trips, but let Chuck spell out some simple facts for you…

The vast majority of blokes in a relationship (Chuck would go as far as to say 95%) are relatively well behaved. Sure, they will drink enough alcohol to render their liver almost useless and will eat enough saturated fat to clog major arteries, but for the most part, their dicks will remain holstered (apart of course from the nudie run - never underestimate the lure for blokes to get naked when on the road with other men). Let Chuck provide a snap shot of an average team trip spent in Asia:

Day 1

- Arrive at hotel 11am, dump bags, immediately head for hotel pool bar and begin ploughing booze like it’s going out of fashion.

- Spend the entire afternoon in the pool bar including eating greasy poolside meals of nasi goreng and drinking cocktails with umbrellas in them (please note – pool also doubles as toilet)

- At around 6pm, drag selves out of pool bar, throw their heads around a shower, perhaps put on a collared short and head for a cheap restaurant

- Knock off a meal and more booze

- Find the nearest pub and start really drinking

- Around 10pm head for some form of club with thumping music and continue smashing the cheapest booze possible

- 1am – any married blokes or men over 35 will likely head home

- 1.01am – the single blokes will be desperately trying to pull anything with a pulse

- 1.02am – the one random 40 year old divorced bloke at the club will be soliciting the cheapest prostitute that he can find

- All remaining team members stumble back to the hotel and fall unconscious into their bed, or the closest bed that they can find at around 4am.

Day 2

- Awake whenever, drink some Coke, throw on some board shorts, head to the breakfast buffet and consume more bacon than legally allowed.

- Find a beach side masseuse for a $10 hour long massage

- Repeat Day 1

Day 3

- Awake at whenever, drink some Coke, throw on some board shorts, head to the breakfast buffet and consume more bacon than legally allowed.

- Head into the main drag, purchase some cheap mementos to take home to girlfriend

- Repeat Day 1

Day 4

- Repeat Day 2

Day 5

- Awake whenever, drink some Coke, throw on some board shorts, head to the breakfast buffet and consume more bacon than legally allowed.

- Pack to go home, purchase some duty free perfume at airport for girlfriend

- Depart

And there you have the vast majority of end of season sporting trips.

Unfortunately, Chuck’s failed to mention the 5% of males that may get up to mischief.

They pretty much follow the same rinse and repeat schedule as the 95%ers except their days in the pool consist of attempting to tune in any and all semi attractive women they come across, and their evenings are made up of dirty dancing with as many ladies as they can in the hope that one sticks. In most instances the 5% guys’ motto is “grass on the wicket, let’s play cricket!” meaning that they are fairly indiscriminate in the size, style and look of the women that they go after? They’re just looking to chop something up. If it’s any consolation, there is a very strong possibility that they have cheated with something considerably less attractive than you. They have no qualms about paying for cheap Asian prostitutes. (which makes for sensational stories around the club when the pro turns out to be a ladyboy)

So how do you determine where your man sits? Tough question. After 4 years Chuck is a little concerned that you’re worried about what your bloke will get up to? You need to have a little faith in the process. If you and your partner are over 27, you have likely seen the very worst of his behaviour at some stage. If he is a cheating dog, you would have noticed some tell tale signs surely – leering at passing women, late nights at the office, unaccounted for nights away, secret bank accounts, maintaining two residences – you know, the usual stuff.

If he hasn’t demonstrated these traits in the time he has been with you, then either you’re blind or he is a genuinely nice guy and loyal to you. Additionally, if you put out regularly and are good in the sack, his penis is yours and yours only. Check out Chuck’s thoughts in this department:

At the end of the day, you need to trust your stuff otherwise you are the problem. If the relationship is solid, the worst your man will get up to is watching a sex show featuring ping pong balls whilst getting massaged by a trannie. If your boyfriend is a cheating dog you may end up with a nasty sexually transmitted disease but at least you’ll have the evidence (so you can end things) and a nice bottle of perfume.

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