Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Chum in the water (Part 1)

Chuck was recently at one of Sydney’s hottest new ‘small’ bars doing what Chuck does best; mingling with the people, looking exceptionally sharp and generally being charming. The time came for a round of drinks so Chuck headed for the bar to fulfil his drink buying obligation. As Chuck rattled off the laundry list of beverages that he was charged with procuring, it became obvious to Chuck’s highly attuned senses that he was in the presence of a troubled soul. Rather than spend 10 minutes searching around for the black dog, Chuck simply asked the barman who last bought a gin and tonic (the depressive man’s drink). The barman pointed out a bloke in the far corner, sitting forlornly hunched over his glass, looking like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

Chuck palmed the tray of drinks to the awaiting mass of thirsty punters, informed Mrs Long that he had work to do and headed for the young man, ready to assist in easing his burden. Chuck asked if he could pull up a pew and accepted the barely audible grunt as a yes. Long time Reality Bytes readers will know that Chuck’s style is straight ahead, no holds barred, no beg-your-pardons, so with no small talk Chuck asked the bloke the cause of his ails.

Now obviously having a ridiculously good looking and well dressed man sit down next to you and ask you what was wrong can be a confronting experience, but as Chuck correctly guessed, this dude was at the end of his tether and had nowhere left to turn. He was willing to put all his eggs in Chuck’s basket.

He took one last pull on his gin, introduced himself with the potentially the biggest wet fish handshake that Chuck has ever encountered and spluttered that his name was Tommy*.

*Name changed to protect the identity

“Its like this” mumbled Tommy

Chuck leaned forward, sensing Tommy’s angst, keen to show that he was an eager listener and ready to lend a hand.

“I need some advice, I don’t know what I should do - I’ve totally fucked up with my mate and his girlfriend”

Chuck began to nod reassuringly

“Tommy, it happens to be your lucky day. Fate and recently introduced liquor laws have brought Chuck into your life. In your darkest hour, you have crossed paths with a man widely regarded as an expert in relationship advice as well as a genuine good Samaritan” said Chuck with all the confidence of a man who knew the answers before the questions were asked. “Why don’t you go ahead and spell it out for Chuck and then Chuck will show you how to get this bogged vehicle out of the emotional quagmire you are in” stated Chuck.

Chuck reached over and patted Tommy on the shoulder encouragingly. “Tommy, we need to go man-to-man on this one. No bullshit. Chuck needs the nuts and bolts and more importantly the truth” was Chuck’s instruction.

Tommy stuttered “yeah yeah, ok, whatever you need Chuck”

“Ok, so where should I start?’ inquired Tommy

“From the start” Chuck replied

“Err, umm, my earliest memory was climbing on a tractor at a hobby far…”

“Not that early you fuck knuckle, from the start of this saga” admonished Chuck.

“Sorry. Well a group of us decided to head away for a few days to a beach house. There were 3 couples, me, another dude and a chick. My best mate and his girlfriend of 3 years were there” offered Tommy

Chuck interrupted “ah no, you didn’t put your best mates girlfriend on the old rotisserie spit did you? Nothing good ever comes from getting in a three way with your best mate and his girl”

Tommy gasped, “No, no, it was nothing like that”

Chuck looked to the barman and signalled for two more gin and tonics. Chuck knew he was in for the long haul.

“Anyway, we were having a great time – BBQs and drinking, good music, the beach was awesome” continued Tommy.

“What is this, an episode of the great outdoors?” questioned Chuck.

“No, im just setting the scene for you” replied Tommy. “So the first few days were great. On about the third night we had a massive party at our place and ended up getting totally wrecked. One by one, everyone started dropping and heading off to bed. At about 3am it was just me, my mate and his girlfriend and the other random single chick up and still going” mumbled Tommy.

“So it wasn’t a three way, it was a gang bang?” asked Chuck

“God NO, I’m not into that sort of thing” Tommy retorted as he choked on his fresh gin.

Chuck nodded “Go on”

“As with any drunken escapade, we thought it would be a great idea to head down to the beach, so we grabbed roadies and set off. The random chick decided not to come, so it was just the three of us. We were there for about 30 minutes and my mate decided he wanted to come back. It was a beautiful night so I said I was going to stay and finish my beer. My mate’s girlfriend decided she wanted to kick on as well. He was too drunk to put up an argument and he staggered off”. Tommy paused again after his longest output.

“You’ve gone and run one through your mates missus haven’t you Tommy?” Chuck questioned.

“No” said Tommy in frustration

“Well break it down for Chuck and hurry it up will you, Chuck needs to take a leak desperately” stated Chuck

“My mate headed through the dunes and was soon out of sight. I waded back into the water….”

Chuck buried his head in his hands and exclaimed “Fuck, the girlfriend got eaten by a shark!? Surely you know to stay out of the ocean close to dawn, that’s shark feeding time!”

“Chuck, are you shitting me?” said Tommy almost cracking a smile.

“Go on” said Chuck.

“We’re in the water, splashing around, when I get knocked over by a wave. I’m lying on my back and before I know it, this woman is on top of me kissing me HARD. You know, the sort of kiss where she is trying to lick the back of my skull?

Chuck nodded, it was his preferred kissing style.

“Before you even say anything Chuck, as soon as I figured out what the hell was going on, I grabbed her arms, lifted her off me and rolled away. I knew immediately that this wasn’t good. It almost jolted me into sobriety” Tommy confessed. “We both crawled up to the dry sand and sat there not really knowing what to say. I felt guilty and awkward. After about 5 minutes we both sort of looked at each other, she mumbled that she has always had feelings for me and knows that I felt like that about her” continued Tommy

“Do you Tommy?” asked Chuck as he signalled to the bar keep for two more G&T’s.

“No way, not at all, not in the slightest, I promise you,” stammered Tommy

“Chuck believes you Tommy” said Chuck, patting Tommy on the hand in his most believing way. “Continue”

Tommy went on “So I countered straight away that I wasn’t into her and I never have been. That she must have read things wrong and that she was drunk. She seemed to take it really well and realise that it was a mistake” “We agreed that we would put that down to drunkenness and not say a word to anyone, least of all my mate, her boyfriend”.

“Let Chuck guess, that little charade didn’t last too long?” queried Chuck.

“Fuck no” an aggrieved Tommy groaned. “The next day at lunch, I was taking the rubbish out and she follows me around to the side of the house. She had me pressed up against the wheely bin and was going on about how she knows that I felt something, how the sexual tension has always been there”

“It’s a pity it’s your best friends girl. If it was some random dude, you didn’t know too well, you could have pounded the living snot of this girl up against a garbage bin. How many blokes can say they’ve done that?” offered Chuck.

“Yeah well, it was really uncomfortable and I figured the only way out of this was to be a bit mean to her to make a real point of how uninterested I was” continued Tommy

A surprised Chuck responded “Tommy, rookie mistake right there big dog, you know what they say – treat em’ mean, keep em’ keen. Let me guess, your next strategy was to go out that night and try and bag a woman, any sort of woman to really emphasize just how uninterested you were?”

“Fuck, you’re good Chuck” an astonished Tommy replied

Chuck raised his eyebrows and offered “Chuck told you, you were dealing with a guru Tommy”

Tommy carried on “so, I pushed my way past her and dodged her for the remainder of the day, trying to get as drunk as I could as quickly as possible. We went to the town pub where I was throwing pick up lines out to anything that I suspected had a vagina in the place. Fortunately I managed to pull a really attractive German backpacker who was also totally cool. We were dancing, kissing and making plans to escape the pub and head back to my place to close the deal when my mate’s girlfriend came over and started asking why I was with this chick and then telling the German girl that I was a dick”

“Buddy, a real pro would have parlayed this into a legitimate threesome/ hate fuck combo” said Chuck with a disappointed tone.

“Chuck, I’m not even in that league. By now I was just scrambling to save things with the kraut who was clearly tiring of this nutcase badgering us and wondering what the connection was. I managed to steer her out of there and I guess some combination of alcohol, my desperation and her being a horny backpacker lead to a drunken encounter” continued Tommy

Chuck leaned over, slapped Tommy a high five and ordered two more drinks. “Way to make chicken shit into chicken salad big fella” Chuck said with a big smile.

Tommy went on “Things don’t get any better however Chuck…………”

Tune in Friday for Part 2


  1. It's unfortunate Chuck refer's to himself so much in the 3rd person.. It's not only creepy but makes him sound like a wanker..

  2. Congratulations for the great post. You did a good job keep going and I’ll keep coming back.


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