Last night Madame Boodwah went to see her friend the Ally Cat play at an underground music dig that was hidden somewhere in the deep dark depths of an urban mecca.
The lights were dimmed and a spotlight shone onto the Ally Cat as he serenaded the audience with his acoustic power love ballad ‘Love is a Battlefield’ - as tragic as the song is he actually did a good version of it.
When he finished his gig he came over to my table and said ‘Boody!’ with open arms and a big smile. It had been a while since we saw each other but it felt as though time hadn’t passed. He sat down, thanked me for coming to see him play and ordered us some Mojitos off the waiter.
We exchanged greetings on what a pleasure it was to see each other and he mentioned he had been reading Reality Bytes.
‘I really like your blog Boody. I’m happy you’re finally putting all that wisdom and experience to good use. However I do have one qualm.’ Said the Ally Cat.
‘And what would that be?’ Madame Boodwah asked intriguingly
‘Well you know how you wrote ‘20 Things A Man Should Never Say’ well have you ever thought about writing an article on ‘20 Things A Woman Should Never Say’ because lately on the dating scene some comments haves thrown me and in some ways freaked me out.’ Suggested the Ally Cat.
Madame Boodwah felt he had a fair point so she got her pen out of her bag and they began brainstorming on the napkin. The list began like this;
- Never say to a guy ‘My dad’s a cunt’ even if you do despise him there are less crass ways to describe your father. Besides ‘cunt’ being one of the most cringing words out there you will come across as a classless tart. No matter how good looking you are!
- ‘I’m in the worst mood, so premenstrual.’ A guy is not your girl friend. Not everyone needs to know about the problems you’re having with your ovaries and particularly with a guy who you’re on a first date with.
- ‘I don’t deserve you’. Insecure statements are a catalyst for instant turnoff. What is so bad about you that you don’t deserve the guy you are with? Where is your self worth and confidence? It’s one of the most unattractive things you can say to a guy.
- Chronic Illnesses / genetic predisposition it’s okay to keep something between your doctor and you.
- Obsessive talk about your pets. What your cat/dog eats and going in to minute detail about how you feed them is mind numbing.
- How many guys you’ve slept with. Don’t you know the rules? Divide everything by 3. There are some things you can keep to yourself.
- ‘I’ve got something to tell you. I’m on diet pills so you’ve got nothing to worry about.’ Since when was poor self image attractive!?! You need a counselor not a boyfriend.
- ‘So I really want to get married.’ Expect him to run.
- ‘I want children in the next year.’ Which says I just need a man to give me a child I don’t give a fuck who you are or what you’re about.
- Non-stop talk about yourself. It’s boring. The conversation needs to be even - Don’t you know men love it when you ask them questions about themselves!?!
- What do you do for a job? Sometimes this question will be asked our of sincerity as you may have a genuine interest as it’s always interesting finding out about peoples passions but expect to be judged on how you respond to the answer of the question. It’s not really a safe one to ask so I would suggest waiting for him to tell you.
- What car do you drive? Again no need to ask. It can come across quite superficial
- What does your father do? This question plus ‘what do you do for a job?’ and ‘what car do you drive?’ sequentially spells gold digger. Do expect to hear from him again.
- Where did you go to high school? High school was so X years ago! It’s tragic when people value their self worth in society depending on what school they went too.
- ‘I love you’ first. Leave that to the men. If a man loves you he will tell you.
- Do I look fat in this? This question will only cause fights as this he could possibly shoot himself in the foot.
- I have no problem getting pregnant infact I’ve had two abortions before
- Say anything about how big your previous boyfriends dicks were
- I use to date Jamie Packer
- I can’t go out with you this Friday night I’m booked in for a bucks party