RSVPissweak

Dear Chuck Long,

I've recently plunged headlong into the world of internet dating and fear I might be attracting the wrong kind of guy. Not a fun kind of bad guy, more of a limp-looking man who has all the appeal of a day-old curried egg sandwich.I had one particular suitor write a poem about me living in Middle Earth (which had clearly taken hours to prepare) and another who wrote that he loves warm cuddles. Am I wrong? Are these guys worth a shot? Or do I need to change my strategy to bag myself a man with more testosterone than a 12-year-old girl? I have attached the correspondence received from mystery suitor (The Middle Earth Poet) in the hope that you could analyse it and help me out.

Yours,

Bad Man Magnet

Apologies for my late response, I was pondering around my parents holiday home up at ... as I attempted to write some music. Some music has indeed been written, but I must do some more tonight...

Anyway enough about me, you appear to be a foreign correspondent: a journalist with marathon abilities should be well suited for climates like Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran. Actually have you seen Amir Naderi's acclaimed 1986 film 'The Runner'. Its a beautifully shot film depicting a poor Iranian boy in the midst of the Iraq invasion. I haven't actually seen this film, however with a knowledge of the synopsis and a few powerful images that I've witnessed, I have decided fuse this with my idealised concept of you in poem format

Actually, I don't really want this poem to take place in Iran considering the civil turmoil that's happening over there. So instead I have constructed the setting to take place in Middle Earth, where there is an uprising for reform changes in Hobitville. This way we don't offend any one except maybe some hobbits

O.k, it goes something like this

Running through the Paddocks of old McGreegy

Stops an old scarecrow,

Marked with a dissident crowd,

Of small folk, once calm and cheerful

Are now an epitome of rage and confliction

The Frodo Baggins Ring Religion

Is repressing the people.........

Sorry that poem was more about the hobbits. Look its getting late and I should be doing my music so maybe a poem another time?

Alright then, don't run on any land mines, and whatever you do, don't feed the mimes!

Oh Lord!

Picture Chuck Long sitting in front of his computer shaking his head....

Ok, we can take this two ways Bad Man Magnet,

1. this is your fault.

Chuck Long can feel your skin burning at this, but it has to be said. There is a distinct possibly that you have set your profile up to attract the very man you want to avoid.

If your profile reads:

Interests

Favourite Author: J R R Tolkien

Favourite Book: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Religious Beliefs: Seax Wica

Favourite Movie : Starship Troopers (Special Edition)

Favourite Band : Ace of Base

What im looking for in a man: no trace of testosterone, sensitive, in touch with his artistic self, a flaccid penis

Then Im afraid that you are completely to blame and you have gotten what you deserve

2. Some blokes have no fucking clue

Seriously, it cannot be this hard.

Look we all know the reputation that men have – insensitive, unemotional, uninterested, but on the bell curve of life, the majority of blokes sit mid range. Thats why Chuck Long vomits in his own mouth when he sees blokes trying way too hard to fit in the 95^th percentile. No real man is anything like the bloke who wrote that email. It is not humanly possible to be that wanky naturally.

That guy has actively decided that he is going to be the most sensitive, artistic, free spirited male that God put on his earth. In the process, he has managed to get himself on a public forum looking like an A1 S.T Roker.

Desperate men... take note of the following sage like advice from your ole pal Chuck Long:

Women generally like blokes to display male-like traits. A measure of confidence, a few emotional walls that need chipping away at, a dash of humour, a bit of strength, some conviction, a handful of testosterone and a splash of valour.

Stop trying to be something that we're not genetically pre-disposed to be!

So, bad man magnet, to answer your question NO THESE GUYS ARE NOT WORTH IT!

Before we're done, Chuck Long has to break this correspondence down to extract full comedic value

Apologies for my late response, I was pondering around my parents holiday home up at ... as I attempted to write some music. Some music has indeed been written, but I must do some more tonight...

Chuck Long envisions this chap wearing a fez with an unlit pipe hanging out of his mouth wandering around his folks holiday home garden while his parents sit inside plotting ways to get him out of their will.

Definite attempt here to suggest that he is creative, thoughtful yet with a cluttered mind (apologies for the late response – yeah, like you have any thing else on) with a hint of family wealth tossed in - his parents holiday house. Somewhat pretentious

Anyway enough about me, you appear to be a foreign correspondent: a journalist with marathon abilities should be well suited for climates like Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran. Actually have you seen Amir Naderi's acclaimed 1986 film 'The Runner'. Its a beautifully shot film depicting a poor Iranian boy in the midst of the Iraq invasion. I haven't actually seen this film, however with a knowledge of the synopsis and a few powerful images that I've witnessed, I have decided fuse this with my idealised concept of you in poem format

Ok, so this is where this email slides into the pits of despair. Asking someone if they have seen a film that they havent seen themself is just plain fucking stupid. Chuck Long wants to go and self harm for all men.

Actually, I don't really want this poem to take place in Iran considering the civil turmoil that's happening over there. So instead I have constructed the setting to take place in Middle Earth, where there is an uprising for reform changes in Hobitville. This way we don't offend any one except maybe some hobbits

The next stop on this train line is Dorksville

Running through the Paddocks of old McGreegy

Stops an old scarecrow,

Marked with a dissident crowd,

Of small folk, once calm and cheerful

Are now an epitome of rage and confliction

The Frodo Baggins Ring Religion

Is repressing the people.........

Shakespeare Thou Art Not

Sorry that poem was more about the hobbits. Look its getting late and I should be doing my music so maybe a poem another time?

In other words, that poem got the internal heating rod a little hot and bothered and he had to duck off to run it through the knuckles while wearing his custom made storm trooper outfit.

Chuck Long has decided to implement “The Reality Bytes Rules” . This will be a work in progress, a set of guidelines that leads to automatic date / relationship termination if anything on the list should take place. Lets get it started:

Reality Bytes Rules

• no poems on the first date / email / phone conversation

• Frodo Baggins must never be mentioned in revered tones

Self-righteous and Selfish

Dear Chuck and Madame Boodwah,

I’ve recently been on two dates with a South African guy – lets call him Schimon. I'm old school and believe if a man wants to be with you he’ll call, so I did the right thing and waited.. 9 days later when I still hadn’t heard from him I figured he just wasn’t that into me. But on the 10^th day he sent me a text saying ‘Hey I’m in the book store and I’ve come across the book Drink, Play, Fuck and it made me think of you. Not literally of course. How are you? (Eat, Pray, Love was a topic of conversation during our date). I replied and he responded “I’ll call you tonight”... But he didn't, and then the next day he texted a “sorry for not calling”. This pattern continued for several weeks, until finally I realised it was time to hop off the merry go round. When he next texted ‘sorry for not calling’ I wrote back ‘well why don’t you call me now then?’ NO RESPONSE! He emailed the next day... I have attached the discourse for your consideration.. please help.

Kirsten

From: Schimon Sent: Tuesday 7:18 AM To: Kirsten Subject: Text

Hi Kirsten

Thanks (I think) for your text – I didn’t call last night as I was anxious to get to bed and was in bed when I sent that message…I have a busy day today…

Cheers

Schi

From: Kirsten Sent: Tuesday 11:14 AM To: Schimon Subject: RE: Text

Hi Schimon

Well nice to know I was your last thought before you went to sleep however it just seems I get a lot of texts from you saying sorry for not calling so I kind of thought why don’t you just give me a call now.

I understand you live a busy life like myself but I’ve realised if want to get to know someone you’ve kind of got to make the time for them and if it’s all a bit hard maybe we should let this go because I don’t believe it should be.

Kirsten

From: Schimon Sent: Thursday 8:56 AM To: Kirsten Subject: RE: Text

Hi,

I don’t want to be seen to be hiding behind impersonal e-mails, but I wanted to respond to your e-mail. I think there’s a lot of truth in what you say and I can certainly not fault you for that. On the other hand, I am consciously trying to live a life of unaccountability (I nearly wrote “selfishness” but it’s a little different) and while I may have been spreading myself a little thinly of late, I’m afraid this is a decision that I’ve made and one I intend to stick to in the near term. Why? Well, I have only recently really begun to enjoy being single and I am finding this “selfishness” quite liberating – it is a position I have not found myself in for many many years.

I have always thought that selfishness in life is acceptable provided it is for the good of both the person being selfish and others (or at least not to their detriment). I didn’t realise that I was doing you a disservice and for that I am truly sorry.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to chatting about this and I’m really sorry you feel the way you do (or seem to).

I hope everything is otherwise well Kirsten.

Cheers

Schimon

Chuck Long

Are you f*cking kidding me? That was potentially the biggest load of toss I have ever read. It's guys like this that give men a bad name. Let me loosely translate this:

• I was hoping that you would be on call whenever I needed some attention
• I am trying to be a pimp, live the single life, get laid where possible; unfortunately I don’t have the game to do it
• I was using being busy as an excuse to do this
• You busted me so I had to admit to being a selfish pr*ck
• I didn’t think you would actually call me out on this
• I will leave the door ajar just in case you want another hook up / are too ditzy to realise what I am up to

New rule - NO MORE SOUTH AFRICANS

Madame Boodwah

Kirsten this seems like the kind of guy who calls out his own name when having sex. Well done for confronting him in such a diplomatic way. Unfortunately there are knobs out there who will constantly text but have no intention of ever taking you out again. Why do they do this? Well they just need someone to stroke their ego because lets face it no one else will. This is also a common pattern of behaviour with men whose wife/girlfriend has figured the grass is greener but this is not your problem. Good job for shutting him down.