Sunday, November 14, 2010

Time for a Break

Loyal Readers,

After 16 months and almost 200 posts, Chuck is taking some time off - let's call it a sabbatical. It could be anywhere between 3 and 6 months or it could be longer.

If you have a relationship crisis or just cant figure out the opposite sex Chuck is available for private consultation through email.

Many thanks to all who have contributed in recent times and thanks for your readership

take care

Chuck Long

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I don't know, but I've been told. Eskimo pussy is mighty cold!

Chuck’s a big believer that as men age it becomes more difficult to make new friends. Loyal readers who know Chuck well will be choking on their latte’s at that statement, stunned that a magnetic personality like Chuck would make such a remark.  Chuck’s not talking about becoming buddy buddy with some dude at work that you occasionally head off to a football game with. Think about how many rock solid best friends you’ve made since you’ve turned 30? In all likelihood, that figure would be fairly low. Why you ask? Well consider this, when you’re in your teens and early twenties, you’re running with your pals chasing good times, booze and the opposite sex. Those activities form the experiences and memories that are the basis of friendship. As we age, our lives get bogged down with responsibilities and families that prevent significant time being spent with others and therefore a reduction in super close friendships.

The reason for Chuck’s startling insight on new friendship? Well, not so long ago, Chuck attended his first “Mothers Group” get together.

This is always a daunting step for a new father for a number of reasons.

1)    What happens if everyone there is a dick?
2)    What happens if you are clearly raising your child in a way that is different (and frowned upon by others)?
3)    What happens if you have nothing in common with these people?
4)    You’re never going to become great friends with any of these people.

Of course Chuck raised these concerns with Mrs Long before departing and was greeted with a swift “get over it”.

For those uninitiated, once a woman gives birth, they are promptly directed to a community health centre where they are matched up with other mothers who are encouraged to hang out and share their experiences. After 4 weeks at the community centre under the tutelage of a child health nurse, they are sent into the big wide world and encouraged to keep hanging out. The majority of the women live in close proximity and depending upon the area, are of a similar demographic. You’ll hear numerous stories of women who have made amazing new friendships with the women in these groups as they and their children bond and grow together.

It’s a bit of a different story for the blokes however.

Typically the men will be pulled along to events and functions on a sporadic basis – a barbeque here, a birthday party there. These get togethers normally involve a crowd as well. The problem with this set up is that the infrequency and the volume of people make it very difficult to form any sort of relationship or bond with other dudes.

And before any female says it, do you really believe for one second that any guy would turn up to a “Father Group”?

So you can appreciate Chuck’s apprehension at attending a “Mothers Group” function.  Upon arriving, Chuck was introduced to the host father, one woman breast feeding, another dad, a random couple with no children and some straggler that was a former work colleague of the host mother and who looked totally lost. It almost felt like the first day of school. Chuck did a quick assessment of the room and rapidly determined that his baby was the cutest, which for some strange reason made Chuck feel at ease.

The ladies all knowing each other made things a bit easier and of course new parents can talk about babies, the challenges of having a baby and the dumb shit dads do endlessly so the afternoon moved on effortlessly. The host baby had a healthy dose of South American in him and a nifty little trick he did with his eye (and which Chuck would encourage all young men to include in their repertoires) that made it look like he was propositioning the female babies. This got a hearty laugh from the crowd and was followed by one of the baby girl’s dads saying, “It’s a good thing her dad can shoot straight”. This in turn got a good laugh.

You may recall in this very forum Chuck discussing the additional stress that comes along with having a baby girl and how one of Chuck’s colleagues has instigated a work out regime so that he’ll be in good shape when his daughter starts dating in 15 years. So obviously Chuck zeroed in on this dude who was thinking on Chuck’s level. He was a nuggetty bloke and through general conversation it appeared he was a Queenslander. As the afternoon progressed however, this bloke used the same line at least 4 other times to lesser and lesser degrees of laughter from the crowd. Chuck thought that perhaps the first try had buoyed his confidence and eradicated his comedic timing.  At the 5th and 6th use, Chuck decided that the guy was a dick.

Was he really paranoid about his baby girl being violated in 15-18 years time by some Latin lover? Was he insecure? Or was he just a Queenslander? This was all too much for Chuck who had to get a better read on this ball of nuggetty uncomfortableness. As luck would have it, the dude happened to walk outside on to the balcony with his baby girl while Chuck was playing the role of super dad with his little girl. After exchanging pleasantries, Chuck decided to probe deeper.

Expecting to hear “cane sugar farmer”, Chuck asked what the dad did for a living?

“Special Forces” came the response.

Chuck’s not going to lie, that one was like a jab to the jaw. For all Chuck’s talk about dads looking after their little girls, Chuck had finally stumbled across a guy who could actually kill a boyfriend with his bare hands (or at least set GPS coordinates so that an air strike could take care of business).

The straight shooting line took on a chilling new meaning and made Chuck desperate for a second chance to win this guy over. Bring on the next mother’s group!

Monday, October 25, 2010

The gift that keeps on giving


I have a serious thing for a friend of my mate’s girlfriend and I think the attraction is mutual. However, before I launch into things with her I thought I’d come and see the “man” and get your take on a particular issue. This girl had the reputation as a good time girl back in the day. One of the widely known results of these good times amongst her circle of friends was a case of herpes. That piece of knowledge is the only thing holding me back. If I didn’t know her friend well enough for her to tell me i would have definitely made my move already. I’m stuck.

Mix Master David


Is it safe for Chuck to assume that you’re not referring to the type of herpes that resides on the mouth?

Many a parched and dehydrated traveller has stumbled upon a stagnant creek or puddle in the wilderness and been faced with the decision “to drink or not drink” from the dirty and bacteria infested water. The dried tongue and beaten body scream “DO IT” while the last remaining fibres of commonsense in the brain remind them that the short burst of relief will be quickly followed by stomach cramps, diarrhoea and maybe death. Sometimes however, the flesh wins the argument. A better prepared traveller, flush with ample supplies of water on the other hand walks straight past the stale water, safe in the knowledge that they have better options.

So what the fuck is Chuck trying to say with that awesome analogy? Well not much, but if you haven’t had regular poontang, you could be easily swayed into making a hasty decision that could have severe ramifications to your future well being. Ok, so perhaps that is a dramatic over simplification of the entire scenario but Chuck desperately wanted to use the thirsty traveller bit.

Didn’t it used to be so much easier when the equation was: boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl get married, boy breaks girls hymen, boy and girl live happily ever after. Now it’s boy and girl meet on RSVP (or E-Harmony if they’re looking for a long lasting relationship based on compatibility), boy and girl sleep together on first date, boy posts message on girls Facebook page that she might want to get checked for Chlamydia, boy and girl get married, boy and girl divorce 3.7 years later.

Anyway, with all the random hook ups and a reduced fear of STI’s nowadays, it’s no wonder you’ve bumped into a young lady who is tainted with a gift from the devil that she can never shake. For those of you unaware, let Chuck (with the assistance of Wikipedia) give you a brief rundown of herpes (Chuck made an executive decision and decided to leave the pictures out):

- Genital herpes second most common form of herpes appear as clusters of genital sores on the outer surface of the genitals resembling cold sores.

- In males, sores appear on the glans, shaft, inner thigh, buttocks or anus

- In females, lesions occur on the pubis, labia, clitoris and vulva

- After 2-3 weeks lesions progress into ulcers and then crust and heal

- 45 million afflicted in the US. 1 million joining the club each year

- Spread by sexual contact

- Cannot be cured although symptoms can be managed and outbreaks reduced by medication

As you can see, it’s a real treat of a disease!

Chuck can appreciate your reluctance to dive right in MMD, but at the end of the day love trumps all and if you’re careful you should be able to navigate around her affliction and have a normal and rewarding relationship. If you decide to make a move and she is interested, it’s important that there is a degree of honesty right from the start. Now you can’t expect her to lean over during y our first romantic dinner and whisper into your ear “I just wanted to let you know I have herpes” because that will definitely put you off desert. Conversely, you can’t make mention of it at all because A) you’ll destroy your mates girlfriend (for betraying her trust) and B) you’ll make your girl very uncomfortable.

Assuming she is a normal functioning human being and doesn’t want to pass it on, you need to appreciate how tough it is going to be for her to tell you. Mentioning to a potential love interest that she has an STI carries with it all sorts of risks for her. The worry that you’ll immediately assume that she is a tramp and dump her would be front of mind. If things progress and the time comes to get your freak on, Chuck would expect her to give you the heads up. Make sure that you act surprised when she tells you too but DO NOT respond with something like “wow, I never would have picked it, you look so clean”.

It’s key for you to have protection on hand because as we all know, the dick always triumphs as the sexual activity ratchets up and it’s at times like these (let’s call it a moment of weakness) that you could be tempted to dive in unprotected. It will tell you a lot about your lady friend. However, condoms are not 100% safe. Consistently using male or female condoms and other barriers for all sexual contact, including oral, anal, vaginal, and manual sex, will greatly reduce the risk of transmission. So will taking suppressive therapy, which lowers the amount of virus in your system. However, both you and your partner should remember that you can transmit the virus even if you don't have any symptoms.(

You’d obviously like to not worry about an STI that will always be looming behind the scenes but if you’re sensible and open about it, you should be able to manage the problem effectively. The frequency of sex can be impacted as you’ll want to dodge boning during outbreaks and there can be difficulties during pregnancy and child birth but we’re getting way ahead of ourselves here.

Chuck would encourage you to ask this girl out and see how things progress as there’s a chance you don’t even get close to firing a shot and all this worry has been for naught. Once again, the problem can be managed and you can be happy.

Of course you may have a big problem if you have fetishes that include sniffing or wearing ladies underwear!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Have Baby, will not Travel

Chuck’s humblest apologies, dear readers, for the lack of activity last week, but Chuck was on the road. Many of you will be choking on your skinny latte at that weak excuse since Chuck’s other role as a successful businessman sees him travelling frequently yet he makes the time to dish advice on a regular basis. The difference on this trip was that Chuck was travelling in a new capacity – father; and fuck Chuck drunk, it’s not easy.

A couple of key points to consider before Chuck moves on:
1)    Mrs Long does the vast majority of the heavy lifting – early morning feeding and nappy changing in particular.
2)    The spawn of Chuck is incredibly good natured.

You’d think that with the two above points in play, travelling with an infant would be a breeze but Chuck’s here to tell you that the logistics required to take a baby on a plane and to a holiday destination would make the preparations for the Olympic opening ceremony pale in comparison – put it this way, Chuck wasn’t calling in any of the Indian Commonwealth Games organisers for assistance.

What’s so hard you ask? Where the fuck should Chuck start? Typically you’re told to be 60 minutes early for domestic and 90 minutes for international flights. The moment you add an infant to this mix, you simply have to tack another 2 hours onto things. The first nightmare is the packing. Baby Chuck averages at least 4 outfits per day (mainly because Chuck and Mrs Long have made the bold decision to remove any clothing that has faeces, urine or vomit on it unlike other more contemporary parents: So when travelling for 5 days, you’re talking 20 outfits right there. On top of this you have nappies, wipes, sleeping bags, hats and a whole range of other assorted goodies. Now Chuck is a chronic over-packer at the best of times but scoffed when he saw how much stuff Mrs Long set aside to take on the trip. Low and behold, the baby churned through the entire stash. Fuck knows why Brad and Angelina are on the road as much as they are with the piles of crap they’d have to lug around for their brood.

Despite the Spawn of Chuck being incredibly good-natured, her favourite things to do at 3 months of age in no particular order are: vomit, poo & wee. Oh and she loves to smile. She is so radically unpredictable on all of these things other than smiling that you cannot plan ahead. You can clean a monster turd, put a new nappy on, and redress her (and do not get Chuck started on the complexity of children’s clothing. Bugger child proof lids on medicine, they should wrap the drugs up in a baby one-piece night suit. The thing is like a fucking rubics cube) and not 3 minutes later comes the sound of her internal cappuccino machine as she bubbles up a fresh new turd. On both the departing and arriving flights, little Miss Long cooked up a steamer within 10 minutes of take off. Of course you could smell the stench seeping from her with no course of action possible until the seat belt sign went off.

The sheer volume of bodily fluid that comes out of an infant is shocking. Being moderately refined, Chuck and Mrs Long are loathe to leave her in her own dishcharges meaning countless hours are spent searching for baby change rooms so that she can be hosed down and repackaged.

Another critical thing to consider when flying with a baby is the pressure build up in her ears. The take offs and landings are obviously the critical part and if the baby’s ears don’t equalise, the poor little thing’s head will feel like exploding. Chuck was horrified when he realized he couldn’t just slip her a stick of gum and let her chew her way to equilibrium. No, Mrs Long had to perfectly time breastfeeding with take-offs and landing. Apparently the sucking action acts as a mechanism to relieve the pressure (Chuck will be sure to remember to suck on a titty the next time he needs to relieve some pressure). Unfortunately, if the plane is not on time or you have to taxi to a far runway, feeding times may not line up in which case a nipple has to be offered up for sacrifice so that the baby can suckle and avoid the dreaded ear ache.

Eating out is a massive challenge with a young child. Ordinarily, Chuck would just leave the baby in the hotel room and head out for a meal, but that’s been frowned upon heavily since a kid got nicked out of a room in Portugal. Option number 2 would be driving to the casino and leaving it in the car park but the holiday destination was casino-less. So with out a go-to plan, Chuck had to scout out restaurants that were deemed baby friendly. How did Chuck do that you ask? Well the obvious idea would be to go to a restaurant with no one in it, but an empty restaurant would suggest that either the food is terrible or their speciality is salmonella. Actually it was pretty simple, Chuck just walked in to the restaurant and asked if they had room for a pram.  The tricky part is getting the child to sleep just as the mains arrive (or to have Mrs Long grab her and walk her outside until she fell asleep).

Probably the biggest challenge is stifling the baby’s cries once in the air. Chuck has been on plenty of flights with screaming babies and frankly it isn’t a great concern. However, the minute you have one of your own you suddenly become so worried that her cries are upsetting people that you actually consider smothering the baby’s face with a pillow (Chuck jokes, although the airline we were on didn’t supply pillows so it was never an option). Chuck isn’t really sure why you start to worry about how others perceive your baby’s cries, but at 2am Chuck will do anything to calm the baby so as not to disturb the next door neighbours (yeah the same neighbours who think nothing of having band practice at midnight or better yet, hold a Skype conversation without head phones on our front door step – fuck those fuckers!).

Seriously, no measure of good planning can totally equip you for the challenges you face when travelling with a baby. The upside to all of these challenges is that you get to take your baby on her first family holiday. Perhaps next time, Chuck will encourage Mrs Long to take some extra time and let her travel ahead with the baby.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Clothes make the man.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

-      Mark Twain

Dear Chuck,

My boyfriend has his very own style, which I really like (jeans, chequered shirt and converse all-stars are standard fare). I have a work function coming up where partners are encouraged to attend and the dress code is semi formal. All of the firm’s hierarchy will be there and I really need my boyfriend to look sharp. The two issues I have are that my boyfriend doesn’t own a suit and would be so uncomfortable wearing one that he probably wouldn’t enjoy himself.

As a man of sharp sartorial tastes, do you have any suggestions on how he could dress comfortably but still look really good?


Dear Lisa,

Wasn’t this scenario played out in an episode of Sex in the City? Ignore the fact that Chuck just displayed an uncanny recall of a chick television show and focus on how that played out: Miranda took her bartender boyfriend out to buy him a suit, he felt uncomfortable having her pay, insisted on paying for it himself then crumbled under the weight of the cost. Steve decided he was out of Miranda’s league and they broke up. Or something vaguely resembling that scenario, Chuck cant really remember the specifics.

You could follow the above example or you could bring your boyfriend along in his jeans / shirt / sneaker combo, but you’ll likely torpedo your career in front of the company higher ups as they instantly realise that you’re dating a fuck knuckle who doesn’t understand dress codes and you don’t have the influence to make him. Some sort of leader you’d be if you couldn’t even control your man when you have the power of pussy over him!

That’s what they’d think anyway.

So how do you get Cinderella to the ball? If your dude doesn’t require a suit in his job, then it seems pointless to go and buy one, although according to Chuck’s principles of life, every bloke should own at least one: every guy faces a time that he requires a suit - weddings, funerals, partner work functions.

If purchasing a suit is not something that sits well and he’d rather spend his hard earned on a nice cardigan or some other item from the Kurt Cobain fashion catalogue that he gets his ‘very own style’ from then you have a couple of other options. Option 1 is renting a suit although just typing that is enough to make Chuck vomit in his own mouth. Do you realise how much DNA is in a rented suit? You could dry clean a rented suit with napalm and Chuck would still never wear one. Think about rented suits – the only time they are ever worn (high school dances & weddings), the bloke generally gets laid or at least engages in some form of heavy petting. Those suits have enough semen samples in them to power an entire episode of CSI.

The second option is to borrow one off a mate. Now in bloke-world borrowing a suit is totally acceptable on the proviso that it is returned dry cleaned with the standard male payment of a carton of beer. Sure there is a chance that there’ll be DNA in the suit but at least you’ll know who the father is.

There really isn’t any other way around this issue Chuck is afraid. If your boyfriend tries to go alternative chic by wearing skinny black jeans, white shirt, skinny tie and faux ye olde leather jacket he’ll just look like a knob who didn’t have the brain power to find a suit for a semi formal event. This in turn will reflect poorly upon you. It comes off being disrespectful and you’ll be tarred with that brush no matter how much time and effort you put into your frock. Ignoring dress codes to events is one of Chuck’s pet peeves actually. If the organiser has gone to the effort of stating a dress code, how hard is it to follow through on that request? If someone doesn’t want to follow the dress code, they really shouldn’t show up.

And that Lisa is the reality of the situation. If your boyfriend doesn’t feel comfortable wearing a suit and it’s going to ruin his evening then A) you probably need to leave him at home and B) get his head checked. It’s only a pair of pants and a fucking jacket with shoulder pads in it!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Road Kill


For the last couple of years I’ve been living the dream – working in Sydney but travelling down to Melbourne for work at least once a month.  I have been hooking up with a co-worker on the sly for almost the entire time. I’m not going to lie, it has been awesome having a girl down there and thanks to the tyranny of distance, I don’t have to commit to anything. I feel like an international playboy! Last month my boss asked me if I’d like to step up and run the Melbourne office. It’s a great opportunity. The downside to this is that the girl down there is very excited at the possibility of us becoming an item; she’s already talking about us potentially living together. Despite hooking up with her on a regular basis, I have zero interest in actually dating her. I seriously need help sorting this mess out



A sailor with a different woman in every port – many men have had this fantasy. Robbie, you have taken the luxury of having regular road beef and effectively turned it into road kill. Fuck being successful! Its called road beef because it happens on the road, not in your new office! Jesus, this is a legitimate cluster fuck – that is, a series of fuck ups all grouped together to create one giant disaster.

You probably don’t need Chuck to tell you this, but on so many levels this has gone pear shaped Robbie. In fact, the more Chuck has chewed this over in his mind, the tougher it has been to find a clear-cut answer to your problem/s. In true Chuck style, lets evaluate how you’ve fucked this up and through better understanding, perhaps a solution will emerge.

Problem number 1: You’re moving into the same town as a woman you’ve been regularly porking for over a year with no intention of having anything more than a sexual relationship with her. She on the other hand seems to have your entire life together already mapped out.

In any ordinary world, you’d simply dump this gal and pray to God that she wasn’t so hung up on you that she starts showing up at your doorstep at 3am. No matter how you spin it, you’d look like a total fuck knuckle when you dump her because obviously she was good enough to bone once a month but not worthy of girlfriend status. You could fish around for bullshit excuses to dump her (e.g. I’m not ready for a relationship, I need to focus on my career blah blah blah) but Chuck really can’t think of one that wont make you look like a douche. The upside is that in an ordinary world, you’d never have to see her again.

Problem number 2: You’re dropping the meat hammer on a co-worker. Always an awkward situation when two people in the same office are knocking each other out. What Chuck always finds amusing is how these people try and act like they aren’t rooting when everyone else in the office knows they are. You know, exaggerated efforts to avoid each other, uncomfortable looks in meetings, perhaps even pretending that they don’t like each other. Chuck has always wondered what people who work together and who are in a relationship actually talk about?’

“What did you get up to today honey?”

“Well you were in the same meeting dumbass, what do you think?”

Having a sexual relationship with a co-worker creates uncomfortable tension. It creates even more tension if you break up, especially if she takes it badly and tells everyone in the office that you’re a premature ejaculator.

Problem number 3: You’re about to be the boss of your road beef. Take the tension created by banging a colleague and multiply it by 10. That’s what it’s got to be like when you’re rogering a subordinate (its not so bad if you’re a multi millionaire company owner because you’ve got so much money that you don’t give a fuck and everyone is scared shitless of you since you own the joint). Now take that tension and times it by 10 again. That’s what its like when you are newly promoted into the role of boss. Here you’ve been flying in once a month and tagging a lass from the office.  Chucks assuming that you’re not doing the work experience girl and therefore this woman is at a similar level. In that case, she’d view you as a peer, an equal. Now all of a sudden you’re her boss! Unless she’s into dominant role playing (and lets be honest, have you ever seen a porno where the woman asks to be dominated?) she is going to be totally pissed at this situation.

Problem number 4: You’re about to become the boss of a co-worker that you don’t want to be in a relationship with. Ok, so this is where it’s getting totally fucked up. If you fly into town and dump this woman, you are in a world of hurt. The first issue you’ll have is that everyone in the office will know that you were pounding one of the workers. The last thing you want to do is lose the respect of the office in your first week, that shit is tough to get back! On top of that, every woman in the office will be looking for signs that you’re taking a ping at one of them. There will never be any trust.

You’re worst nightmare is a sexual harassment or discrimination claim. If you dump this lady there is likely grounds for some form of legal action since it could be construed that you’re fucking with her (not literally anymore) in the work place.

There is no way you’re breaking things off with this woman and getting away clean Chucks afraid to say. So how to you manage this situation? Well the first thing you do is decide whether taking this new job is worth it. Chuck assumes that if you don’t take it, you’re pretty much fucked career wise in your company. So option two is check your underwear and sac up because if you can follow Chuck’s plan, you may just pull this off. Its going to be tough but well worth it.

Right, so what you do is move to Melbourne and keep up the facade of being interested in this girl romantically. You do NOT take up her plan to cohabitate. You get your own pad under the guise that you want to take things slowly relationship wise and get settled in town. Now the upside is that you still have the road beef on offer only now it is locally grown.

You must have a conversation with this girl that you’d like to keep your relationship under wraps for a while so that you can settle in and keep the harmony in the office. The last thing you want the other works to think is that your woman is getting preferential treatment from you. She’ll gobble this up and love the mystique (assuming she has truly kept your dalliances to herself and not spread the word)

After a month or two of playing loved up couple, you will need to start suggesting that for the relationship to go to the next level one of you need to leave the company as it would look unprofessional to be dating a co-worker (Chuck is making the grand assumption that you’re not working in such a specialised field that there are no other jobs in the market). Since you’re the boss and presumably making a world of difference, it will likely be her that looks for another opportunity.

Once she gets another job and moves on, wait a month or two and then start acting really stressed out and frazzled. Blame the job for getting you down and break up citing a need to focus on work and get things straightened out. On the other hand, If you’re a real dick, dump her at her going away party.

A couple of long shots:

Keep up the dating scam, dominate at your job and see if your can get transferred back to Sydney (unrealistic in such a short time frame).

Performance manage her out of her job (the ultimate wanker move)

Chuck is sitting here scratching his head at this one Robbie. Declining the promotion and staying in Sydney is looking a hell of a lot more appealing – fuck your career, this nightmare isn’t worth it!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Twisted Sister

Dear Chuck,

I’m 22 and my brother is 23 (I know, my parents didn’t mess around). He is blessed with having some of the best looking friends who also happen to be really great guys as well. His best friend (let’s call him Toby) is gorgeous and I think there is definite chemistry between us. My question to you Chuck is whether or not I should speak to my brother about getting together with Toby. My brother and i have a great relationship and he isn’t the over protective type at all.



Dear Charlie,

Jesus, nothing like having quality beef paraded for free through your families lounge room! It must feel like you’re at an all you can eat smorgasbord – so many fine offerings in front of you, ready for your consumption. Chuck bets it makes your mouth (and other areas) water with anticipation.


Let Chuck put this bluntly; if you hook up with your brother’s best friend in any way, shape or form, you are effectively driving a steak through the heart of your brother’s friendship. Let Chuck step you through this:

Chuck’s awesome point number 1: No matter how cool of a guy your brother is or how great your relationship is, there is no possible way that he is going to be comfortable allowing his mate to carve up his sister. Charlie, you need to remember that he hangs with these guys on a day to day basis so he knows what goes down. There are no non Mormon males at 23 years of age who don’t spend at least 50% of their time either having sex, trying to get sex, talking about sex or thinking about sex (that figure is likely conservative). In fact even Mormon males are doing that, it’s just that they are doing it within the confines of a marriage they entered into at 21 and with at least 2 kids. The reason they got married so young was so that they could actually have sex without God smiting them. Anyway, Chuck digresses.

No matter how sweetness and light these guys come across in your presence, the reality is that they are chasing minge at all times and your bro knows this. Granted, they may be a classier bunch than your average 23 year old males, but they’re males none the less. He will not feel good letting one of his boys be with his sister because he knows better than anyone what this guy is after. It won’t sit well with him.

Chuck’s awesome point number 2: Being an older brother, he is genetically engineered to be protective of you and your interests. No normal older brother will willingly consent to any of his associates entering the holiest of holies of his sister. In fact, he is likely to be genuinely pissed at anyone for trying to penetrate you.

This protection gene is less dominant if the sister is older. Effectively your parents have fucked you by having him first because if you were older you would face less resistance from him if you had a crack at his buddy. Simply by being older turns the responsibility tables and he doesn’t have to watch out for you as much. Blame your folks for you missing out on boning his hot pals.

Chuck’s awesome point number 3: If you do manage to hook it up with Toby, how on earth do you think he’ll be able to hang out with your brother again? You guys may have a great relationship, but do you really think your bro wants you tagging along to everything he does with his mates? Conversely, he isn’t going to want to be with you and Toby while you canoodle and dry hump (unless of course you guys have a REALLY good relationship).

All of a sudden your business and his business get mixed up and as they say, you should never mix business with pleasure.

Chuck’s awesome point number 4: Despite being best friends, dudes need space. Whereas he could once kick it with Toby on a ‘needs’ basis, now Toby is around for family barbeques, Christmas and other special occasions. Its friend overload and the thing that will give is the friendship.

Chuck’s awesome point number 5: You’re only a young pup Charlie so the likelihood of this relationship standing the test of time is slim. With that in mind, where will your brother stand at the moment of reckoning – the breakup? If you were mutual friends and one of you commits a deplorable act, then it is common sense that the 3rd party (your bro) would side with the person who got shafted. Blood is thicker than water however and he is almost obligated to side with you even if you turn out to be a nut job who made Toby’s life miserable. The break up will totally torch his friendship because even if it is amicable, it will still be difficult to have Toby around you and vice versa.

Chuck’s awesome point number 6: Trust. If you make a play at one of your brothers boy’s, he is always going to wonder if you’ll end up working through the entire group. Imagine how embarrassing that will be at your eventual wedding when a large proportion of the male crowd are saluting the fact that they’ve chopped you up. At the moment your brother probably has no idea that you’re interested in his mate. If you make a play, he’ll forever have his head on a swivel, checking to see if you’re ready to swoop in and attack the rest of his posse.

Chuck’s awesome point number 7: Chuck doesn’t enjoy being a naysayer so let’s consider how you could make this work.




Ok, so even Chuck’s big brain is struggling to help here. About the only possible way this coupling could happen without destroying your brothers friendship is if you hold off and wait until your brother is either in a serious long term relationship or better yet, married. The reason for this is that when your brother settles down himself, there will be loosening of the time he spends with his buddies and his priorities will shift to family. You hooking up with Toby will lessen the impact on his social life to a degree and therefore he will be less concerned. Having said that, all of the above issues Chuck pointed out still apply although muted in each instance.

So in all reality, you and Toby hooking up is a bad thing for your brother and his friendship. Trying to talk to your brother about it will not help the situation at all since he either flat out say no which will piss you off or he’ll get uncomfortable, not say anything and let you go ahead with it. He will then spend the rest of your relationship with Toby trying to passively aggressively ruin it. This will damage your relationship and his bromance with Toby.

If you are desperate to get your freak on with Toby, get devious and buy him a long overseas holiday for his birthday (after talking up how he should get out and explore the world) and pounce on his bestie the minute the international departure gate closes! You’ll have all of the above problems, but you’ll have plenty of time to figure out excuses or solutions.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Bros before Ho’s


We have a man down.

A friend of mine has found himself a girlfriend and completely dropped out of circulation. It’s the worst case of being under the thumb I have ever witnessed. He didn’t have a serious girlfriend for quite some time so I understood him disappearing for a couple of months, however this has now gone on for over a year.

How should I go about telling him that he’s freezing out his lifelong mates?



An old pal of Chucks once said to a group of friends, “If fucking your mates was cool, who’d need women?” (Obviously that statement doesn’t carry as much weight in the homosexual community). Unfortunately, boning your boys is not widely appreciated in the wider heterosexual community and therefore female companionship is at a premium.

Chuck had 2 good friends who suffered through significant relationship droughts (in fact, the chap who uttered the above statement was one) who then hit pay dirt and almost vanished from existence. At the time it genuinely bugged Chuck that once solid friends had sacrificed friendship over relationships, but with the benefit of time and age Chuck has come to appreciate their decisions.

Blowing off your friends is not a matter that Chuck Long takes lightly, however some serious consideration must be made to circumstance before you embark on some form of intervention. TJ, you say that your buddy didn’t have a serious girlfriend for quite some time. If you define ‘quite some time’ in months then your boy is a little out of line. Nobody likes a dude who ices his homeboys for any girl that happens to blow onto the scene. If it’s a once off, you probably need to ride the storm and wait for it to happen again. Upon the second occasion, you are well within your rights as a friend to confront him over a beer and flat out tell him that bros come before ho’s.

If your friend is like the dude Chuck knew – that is, their last relationship ended somewhere around 1999, then you need to cool your jets and let your boy be. You’ll notice that Chuck has used the words ‘had’ and ‘knew’ any time he’s referenced his friends in a similar situation. Past tense. Why? Because Chuck doesn’t see those dudes anymore. Does Chuck sweat it? Well sure, it sucks to not see former friends, but fuck can you blame anyone for going into pussy hibernation after 10 years in the wilderness?

That’s how Chuck came to grips with it. He put himself in the shoes of those dudes and realised just how much it would suck balls to be relationshipless for a decade. As much as guys piss and moan about the grief their wives and girlfriends give them, there isn’t too many who’d trade in a solid relationship for solitude. And before anyone starts crapping on how they’d just become a playboy and slay different poontang each and every night, cast your mind back to before you met your significant other and recount how much random bush you pulled then. Chucks point exactly!

The dude who uttered the statement “If fucking your mates was cool, who’d need women?” offered it on a weekend away with the lads in response to one of the boys complaining about his girlfriend giving him a hard time. This was a guy who was super well liked by all. Yet, the moment he had an opportunity to be in a serious relationship, he gobbled it up like a fat kid at Sizzler (minus the salmonella). For all his bravado, the guy was deeply scarred from a previous relationship and pined for companionship. As a rebuttal to his statement, you could argue that women are also fairly handy for dealing with some of the emotional baggage that men have too!

Anyway, it’s with that knowledge that Chuck suggests you give your boy some space TJ and get off his nuts. You may be aware of some of the relationship bullshit he’s been through in the past, but Chucks prepared to wager that you don’t know half of the mental anguish he’s been dealing with, simply because dudes don’t tell other dudes how they feel. There is a strong possibility that he’s been searching for a woman for eons and feeling like dog shit. Sure he puts on a brave front, but while you’re flying out on holiday with your girlfriend, he’s stuck at home with his thumb up his arse and a deep seeded desire to be loved.

Chuck knows he’s getting deep here but if you confront your buddy and complain that he’s icing his friends, then your just being selfish and you’ll more than likely do irreparable damage. There’s a reason that he’s not kicking it with you (the 12 month part should tell you something). If you love someone (or thing) you have to let him go TJ.

At the end of the day, perhaps you weren’t as tight as you thought you were or maybe you’re not as likeable as you’d like to believe. One thing is definitely true though; you don’t give as good head – so back off!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I must break you

Early last week Chuck experienced a watershed moment - an occurrence that absolutely tests ones mettle and often determines which path you will continue on in life. Mrs Long had had a rough afternoon with the new Long spawn who’d suddenly decided that sleep was for pussies. Chuck figured he’d get home, strap on the super dad cape and restore order. Unfortunately it didn’t play out like that and the Long Spawn brayed like a mortally wounded donkey for the next 5 hours. At midnight, Chuck decided that both Mrs Long and the neighbours needed a respite and tossed the baby into a sling for a late night walk. Miraculously upon hitting the cool night air sleep came instantly which meant Chuck could turn around and head back in.

Unfortunately Chuck had only taken the front door key, forgetting the key to the secured building so a call to security was required. The security guard swiftly dragged himself away from whatever porn he was watching and met Chuck 15 minutes later. Before allowing Chuck into the building his training obviously kicked in and he asked Chuck to provide ID. A fatigued Chuck held up the infant and asked why on earth anyone would try and break into a building with a baby?

Chuck arrived back at the house with thoughts of deep slumber. The Long spawn had other ideas as she immediately awoke as soon as she crossed the threshold. After an attempt at feeding and more wailing, Chuck got dressed again and packaged the child for yet another walk. This time Chuck was determined to allow Mrs Long to sleep so a lengthier trek was required. Remembering to take both sets of keys, Chuck set off to walk around the cities wharfs and casino district. Of course the baby was asleep within 10 minutes of leaving the house!

Think about the last time you walked around a city or suburb at 2am in the morning completely sober. Chuck couldn’t recall the last time he ever had. The one upside is that you see and hear some very interesting things. Remarkably, the local 24-hour pub was doing a roaring trade at 2am on Tuesday morning. More remarkably, its clientele was primarily of the white-collar variety. What the fuck are these people doing sinking booze at that time on that day of the week? Chuck was just jealous.

Halfway through a local park, Chuck noticed that it was a sleeping venue for a number of homeless people. There was a moment of concern when Chuck realised that he could be mugged, but that concern was overcome rapidly when the threat of thrusting a screaming baby at a would-be attacker became the defence of choice.

After a solid 2 and a half hours, Chuck knew it was time to head home when the thought of hanging out at the casino suddenly became appealing. Chuck staggered in, collapsed into an armchair and passed out. Chuck was sleeping so heavily that he didn’t notice his infant crying on his chest 2 hours later. Once Mrs Long had taken the child and fed her, Chuck stumbled to bed. Sleep was fleeting as the alarm sounded one hour later. Chuck flung off the sheets to reveal that he was still fully clothed - including shoes.

It was at that moment that Chuck realised strategy, cunning and determination rather than plain dumb luck were required to win this war.  Chuck and Mrs Long needed to batten down the hatches, dig in and prepare for the arduous battle ahead. Mental and physical toughness are paramount in this epic tussle. This baby will not break Chuck!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Follies of Cross Gender Friendship

Dear guru,

A keeno guy wants to take me on a 2nd date, he was interesting but a bit annoying and I'm not buzzed but open to friendship... Maybe, he has some good business ideas and I need to hang with people all motivated and inspired and stuff. Should I tell him in an email I'm not up for romance dates but friendly ones are OK? Or should I just let him work that out for himself when he goes in for the kill and finds my hand planted firmly on his face. I'm considering the fade because dating people you're not really into is tedious.


Dear Alberta,

If you sent an email to any bloke like Chuck Long indicating that you’re blowing off an offer of a second date with a preference to be pals, you’d be at the receiving end of a prompt ‘click click delete” manoeuvre. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for women all over the world, there aren’t many guys like Chuck Long out there.

Chuck says unfortunately because every woman deserves a man with Chuck’s attributes and skill sets. The flip side to this is that there are plenty of suckers out there who’ll take an email relationship blow off and stick with you as you take them on the friendship ride. Now before a chorus of women mutter “its not all about sex Chuck, men and women can be friends”, let Chuck explain why a lot of men will cop the “no to relationship / yes to friends” offer and why it will never work.

Men and women can be friends. This typically occurs if:

-       The woman is ugly and the man is not attracted to her
-       They started off as friends (typically in school or at work) in an environment that isn’t conducive to relationships
-       One or both are / were in a relationship

Other than its very difficult for men and women to be friends because typically the reason for being friends in the first place is a level of attraction from one or both parties that has yet to be acted upon.

So if Alberta tells this dude that she wants to be friends, she is already in trouble because he is interested enough in her to want a second date. He isn’t dating for friendship; he’s looking for a poke and perhaps a relationship. By effectively cutting off his dick after the first date, this guys balls are going to swell each and every time he’s around her.

So why would the guy take the offer? Well, most women would like to believe that it’s because they’re so cool that guys would gladly accept being mates. Unfortunately, it’s not the case. No, many blokes who are smitten with a woman will head down the friendship path with the desperate hope that repeated exposure will eventually make the lady see how awesome he is and inevitably fall in love. As Rachel Hunter used to say in her shampoo ad “it wont happen over night, but it will happen” or on a much cooler level, you can use Ice Cube’s expression “life aint a track meet, it’s a marathon”. Many men would gladly accept those terms.

Regretfully this only happens in 5% of the cases (although the movies would have you believe that it results in a relationship 9 out of 10 times). A dude will stumble around like a puppy dog being ‘friends’ with a woman that often includes lunches, shopping and a whole host of other activities that normal men would never ordinarily partake in. This will go on for quite sometime until eventually the bloke either snaps and professes his love which makes the woman uncomfortable and causes her to freak and say ‘ I told you I didn’t want a relationship, I just wanted to be friends” or the woman finds herself another man, not only breaking the puppy dogs heart but also resulting in the end of the friendship as the new bloke wont accept his woman having male friends.

Another reason for taking the offer of friendship up is the hope that you’ll eventually get drunk enough to bone your new friend. Seriously, there are plenty of guys out there who’ll hover around, just waiting for the moment to pounce (or to be pounced upon).  Chuck’s point is that this dude already likes you in a more-than-a-friend way and its very tough to engineer anything away from that. He’ll only agree to friendship because he can envision one of the two above scenarios playing out.

Alberta, you mentioned that the guy was a bit annoying. Let Chuck pose this question: “How many friends do you have that you consider a bit annoying?” The reason Chuck asks is because logic would suggest that you’d never be friends with someone who gives you the shits, so how on earth do you think you can be friends with this guy?

Your other idea about hanging out and then letting him figure out that you’re not that interested by dodging his advantages is somewhat cruel and could actually lead to some awkward situations, especially if he dropped some coin on date number 2 and took you to a really nice restaurant. Now Chucks not suggesting that shelling out some cash should entitle him to any sort of physical thanks on your behalf but why lead him on if you have no intention of escalating things? You’d be better placed to cut bait on this one and try your line at another fishing hole rather than reeling in a blowfish.

The only exception to all of Chuck's advice is if your hanging out with a Richard Branson type. Sure they’re fucking annoying (especially with the long bushy hair and big teeth) but the upside to spending time with them is that they’re high energy, have loads of contacts, work their nuts off and often own their own islands. And you wonder why these dudes end up with hot wives……..