Sunday, September 12, 2010

I must break you

Early last week Chuck experienced a watershed moment - an occurrence that absolutely tests ones mettle and often determines which path you will continue on in life. Mrs Long had had a rough afternoon with the new Long spawn who’d suddenly decided that sleep was for pussies. Chuck figured he’d get home, strap on the super dad cape and restore order. Unfortunately it didn’t play out like that and the Long Spawn brayed like a mortally wounded donkey for the next 5 hours. At midnight, Chuck decided that both Mrs Long and the neighbours needed a respite and tossed the baby into a sling for a late night walk. Miraculously upon hitting the cool night air sleep came instantly which meant Chuck could turn around and head back in.

Unfortunately Chuck had only taken the front door key, forgetting the key to the secured building so a call to security was required. The security guard swiftly dragged himself away from whatever porn he was watching and met Chuck 15 minutes later. Before allowing Chuck into the building his training obviously kicked in and he asked Chuck to provide ID. A fatigued Chuck held up the infant and asked why on earth anyone would try and break into a building with a baby?

Chuck arrived back at the house with thoughts of deep slumber. The Long spawn had other ideas as she immediately awoke as soon as she crossed the threshold. After an attempt at feeding and more wailing, Chuck got dressed again and packaged the child for yet another walk. This time Chuck was determined to allow Mrs Long to sleep so a lengthier trek was required. Remembering to take both sets of keys, Chuck set off to walk around the cities wharfs and casino district. Of course the baby was asleep within 10 minutes of leaving the house!

Think about the last time you walked around a city or suburb at 2am in the morning completely sober. Chuck couldn’t recall the last time he ever had. The one upside is that you see and hear some very interesting things. Remarkably, the local 24-hour pub was doing a roaring trade at 2am on Tuesday morning. More remarkably, its clientele was primarily of the white-collar variety. What the fuck are these people doing sinking booze at that time on that day of the week? Chuck was just jealous.

Halfway through a local park, Chuck noticed that it was a sleeping venue for a number of homeless people. There was a moment of concern when Chuck realised that he could be mugged, but that concern was overcome rapidly when the threat of thrusting a screaming baby at a would-be attacker became the defence of choice.

After a solid 2 and a half hours, Chuck knew it was time to head home when the thought of hanging out at the casino suddenly became appealing. Chuck staggered in, collapsed into an armchair and passed out. Chuck was sleeping so heavily that he didn’t notice his infant crying on his chest 2 hours later. Once Mrs Long had taken the child and fed her, Chuck stumbled to bed. Sleep was fleeting as the alarm sounded one hour later. Chuck flung off the sheets to reveal that he was still fully clothed - including shoes.

It was at that moment that Chuck realised strategy, cunning and determination rather than plain dumb luck were required to win this war.  Chuck and Mrs Long needed to batten down the hatches, dig in and prepare for the arduous battle ahead. Mental and physical toughness are paramount in this epic tussle. This baby will not break Chuck!

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