Sunday, September 26, 2010

Road Kill


For the last couple of years I’ve been living the dream – working in Sydney but travelling down to Melbourne for work at least once a month.  I have been hooking up with a co-worker on the sly for almost the entire time. I’m not going to lie, it has been awesome having a girl down there and thanks to the tyranny of distance, I don’t have to commit to anything. I feel like an international playboy! Last month my boss asked me if I’d like to step up and run the Melbourne office. It’s a great opportunity. The downside to this is that the girl down there is very excited at the possibility of us becoming an item; she’s already talking about us potentially living together. Despite hooking up with her on a regular basis, I have zero interest in actually dating her. I seriously need help sorting this mess out



A sailor with a different woman in every port – many men have had this fantasy. Robbie, you have taken the luxury of having regular road beef and effectively turned it into road kill. Fuck being successful! Its called road beef because it happens on the road, not in your new office! Jesus, this is a legitimate cluster fuck – that is, a series of fuck ups all grouped together to create one giant disaster.

You probably don’t need Chuck to tell you this, but on so many levels this has gone pear shaped Robbie. In fact, the more Chuck has chewed this over in his mind, the tougher it has been to find a clear-cut answer to your problem/s. In true Chuck style, lets evaluate how you’ve fucked this up and through better understanding, perhaps a solution will emerge.

Problem number 1: You’re moving into the same town as a woman you’ve been regularly porking for over a year with no intention of having anything more than a sexual relationship with her. She on the other hand seems to have your entire life together already mapped out.

In any ordinary world, you’d simply dump this gal and pray to God that she wasn’t so hung up on you that she starts showing up at your doorstep at 3am. No matter how you spin it, you’d look like a total fuck knuckle when you dump her because obviously she was good enough to bone once a month but not worthy of girlfriend status. You could fish around for bullshit excuses to dump her (e.g. I’m not ready for a relationship, I need to focus on my career blah blah blah) but Chuck really can’t think of one that wont make you look like a douche. The upside is that in an ordinary world, you’d never have to see her again.

Problem number 2: You’re dropping the meat hammer on a co-worker. Always an awkward situation when two people in the same office are knocking each other out. What Chuck always finds amusing is how these people try and act like they aren’t rooting when everyone else in the office knows they are. You know, exaggerated efforts to avoid each other, uncomfortable looks in meetings, perhaps even pretending that they don’t like each other. Chuck has always wondered what people who work together and who are in a relationship actually talk about?’

“What did you get up to today honey?”

“Well you were in the same meeting dumbass, what do you think?”

Having a sexual relationship with a co-worker creates uncomfortable tension. It creates even more tension if you break up, especially if she takes it badly and tells everyone in the office that you’re a premature ejaculator.

Problem number 3: You’re about to be the boss of your road beef. Take the tension created by banging a colleague and multiply it by 10. That’s what it’s got to be like when you’re rogering a subordinate (its not so bad if you’re a multi millionaire company owner because you’ve got so much money that you don’t give a fuck and everyone is scared shitless of you since you own the joint). Now take that tension and times it by 10 again. That’s what its like when you are newly promoted into the role of boss. Here you’ve been flying in once a month and tagging a lass from the office.  Chucks assuming that you’re not doing the work experience girl and therefore this woman is at a similar level. In that case, she’d view you as a peer, an equal. Now all of a sudden you’re her boss! Unless she’s into dominant role playing (and lets be honest, have you ever seen a porno where the woman asks to be dominated?) she is going to be totally pissed at this situation.

Problem number 4: You’re about to become the boss of a co-worker that you don’t want to be in a relationship with. Ok, so this is where it’s getting totally fucked up. If you fly into town and dump this woman, you are in a world of hurt. The first issue you’ll have is that everyone in the office will know that you were pounding one of the workers. The last thing you want to do is lose the respect of the office in your first week, that shit is tough to get back! On top of that, every woman in the office will be looking for signs that you’re taking a ping at one of them. There will never be any trust.

You’re worst nightmare is a sexual harassment or discrimination claim. If you dump this lady there is likely grounds for some form of legal action since it could be construed that you’re fucking with her (not literally anymore) in the work place.

There is no way you’re breaking things off with this woman and getting away clean Chucks afraid to say. So how to you manage this situation? Well the first thing you do is decide whether taking this new job is worth it. Chuck assumes that if you don’t take it, you’re pretty much fucked career wise in your company. So option two is check your underwear and sac up because if you can follow Chuck’s plan, you may just pull this off. Its going to be tough but well worth it.

Right, so what you do is move to Melbourne and keep up the facade of being interested in this girl romantically. You do NOT take up her plan to cohabitate. You get your own pad under the guise that you want to take things slowly relationship wise and get settled in town. Now the upside is that you still have the road beef on offer only now it is locally grown.

You must have a conversation with this girl that you’d like to keep your relationship under wraps for a while so that you can settle in and keep the harmony in the office. The last thing you want the other works to think is that your woman is getting preferential treatment from you. She’ll gobble this up and love the mystique (assuming she has truly kept your dalliances to herself and not spread the word)

After a month or two of playing loved up couple, you will need to start suggesting that for the relationship to go to the next level one of you need to leave the company as it would look unprofessional to be dating a co-worker (Chuck is making the grand assumption that you’re not working in such a specialised field that there are no other jobs in the market). Since you’re the boss and presumably making a world of difference, it will likely be her that looks for another opportunity.

Once she gets another job and moves on, wait a month or two and then start acting really stressed out and frazzled. Blame the job for getting you down and break up citing a need to focus on work and get things straightened out. On the other hand, If you’re a real dick, dump her at her going away party.

A couple of long shots:

Keep up the dating scam, dominate at your job and see if your can get transferred back to Sydney (unrealistic in such a short time frame).

Performance manage her out of her job (the ultimate wanker move)

Chuck is sitting here scratching his head at this one Robbie. Declining the promotion and staying in Sydney is looking a hell of a lot more appealing – fuck your career, this nightmare isn’t worth it!

1 comment:

  1. Hahaha. Men! Keep it up for a month or so. Show her some true colours (be a nasty tight arse and ogle other women while you're out). She'll probably run a mile and you'll decide you love her. Don't mess with her career you bitches. OR just tell her you're a player (we love honesty, gives us closure) if you've been pretending to be really into her rather than just casual all this time then you are one.