Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Hit the mute button

By Chuck Long

Dear Chuck

I have often been told that I am far too picky/harsh on men. I am told I need to cut them some slack, accept they can get nervous and just be nice. I recently went on a date, and after a distinctly average evening I dismissed him out of hand. Relaying it to friends I was once again told I am too harsh. I'm not so sure, perhaps you can be my judge.

To start, I need to explain that I recently broke my arm. Quite badly. It did not however stop me from heading out to a dress up party where I met Adam, who seemed a pretty chilled kind of guy but also quite a confident fellow given he had chosen to dress up as a bunny. We got on well, and through mutual friends we managed to track each other down via FaceStalk.

So we arranged a date and I turn up with my arm still in a sling. I look nice. He looks like he's been rummaging around the Good Sammies clothing bins.

We begin to chat and it suddenly begins to dawn on me that I am asking all the questions. So I decide I will pause and see what he jumps in with. He gestures at my arm and says "How did you do that again?” I tell him, and the conversation limps along for a bit. I then jump in with questions about his work and why he likes it etc. Surely, I think, this is a good hint to him that he should ask about my work, what I do etc. Nope. The next lull in conversation he thinks for a bit and comes back with: "So does that, like, make it hard to do stuff?”

Well, yes, now that you mention it, having a broken arm does make it hard to do stuff. I try and answer this in a nice and non-sarcastic manner. This was difficult.

So again I start asking about him. I remember my friend telling me he surfs, I start asking about that. I even throw in there that I like the outdoors myself. Surely, he's going to ask something about me now right? No. The next lull he gestures again to my arm and says: "So that must make it difficult to type right? Like, do you type?"

Again I fight my very nature and return a polite response.

The last straw came after another 15 minutes, after I have again carried the conversation along, asking about travel, his family, his background. Finally I am all out and I sit there, waiting to see what gem he's going to come out with...and then he looks again at my arm and asks....

"So, did it, like, hurt?"

DID IT HURT??? Does breaking one's arm hurt???? Seriously!

I didn't know how to reply to that one. I kind of mumbled yes, and in my head was just thinking "Well it wasn't as painful as this god damn date". I left soon after.

My friends, however, on hearing this story seem to think I was judging too soon. They kept pleading his case saying I can be an unnerving woman (which I don't believe for a second...I am midget sized and have a sweet disposition...how could I possibly be unnerving?) and kept saying I should call him and arrange a second meet up. I have since refused but I have started wondering, am I really harsh? Did I judge too quickly? Is it too much to want a guy to be able to hold up one end of the conversation on the first date? Or should I be giving second chances??

Chuck, - what's your verdict???

xx Simone

Dear Simone,

Fuck this; you know what you really need to do?? Trade your godforsaken friends in!

Yeah that’s right, Chuck has just blown a gasket. Let Chuck take a minute to bust out a downward facing dog and try to get some calmness and positive chi back in his life.

Ok, that’s better; the temples have stopped pounding on the side of Chuck’s dome.

Seriously though, what the hell are your friends thinking? Do they know something that you don’t? Are you that hard up for a bloke that they feel the need to roll this corpse out again? Is he such a top shelf single malt that he deserves another shot after one bad performance? Are you the most intimidating woman on earth and completely shattered what little game he may possess and feel that he deserves a chance to regain it? Do they have inside track on the fact that he is hung like a Shetland pony?

The fundamental issue in this situation is this dude’s performance on the date? You said that he came off confident and chilled at the party where you met him which means that he had either ripped off 8 consecutive bong hits or his bunny outfit gave him superpowers. Chuck is really starting to believe that dudes have just lost track of what dating is all about. The goal here is to actually impress the person you are with to the point that they would want to see you again…and of course hopefully give you a blow job.

It’s inconceivable to Chuck that this brother has gone from being somewhat confident at the party to a mute by the time your first date has arrived. Perhaps you should check to see whether or not he was involved in some sort of car crash in between the two events because he sounds like he has sustained some damage to his temporal lobe, rendering his ability to speak useless.

There is no way that this bozo deserves a second crack at you no matter what your friends say. There is being picky and there is being practical. Not only could this guy not muster the ability to talk to you on a date, when he did grunt out a few words, he demonstrated the mental capacity of a child. Why on earth would you lower your standards by giving him a second chance? He didn’t stack up in round one, so why should he get round two.

Luckily for our boy Marcel Marceau, you happened to catch Chuck in a charitable mood tonight so lets scratch for something, anything that might warrant another date:

Was he ridiculously good looking?

Does he have a physique chiselled from granite?

Did your background research indicate a high paying job?

Did your Facebook stalking reveal really good looking friends you could have a crack at?

If he doesn’t check one of the above boxes, well then Chuck’s afraid the time has come to hit the mute button.

There is one huge factor that we haven’t considered. What if our mute, without the advantage of 8 bong pulls, whatever alcohol he consumed and his bunny costume saw you in the cold harsh light of day and decided that he couldn’t be with a cripple? It’s a lot of responsibility having to be a person’s primary care giver. Lets take a look at his communications with you on the date:

"How did you do that again?"

"So does that, like, make it hard to do stuff?”

"So that must make it difficult to type right? Like, do you type?"

"So, did it, like, hurt?"

Hey, maybe this guy isn’t as big of a rock head as we first thought. Look at his line of questioning. He is totally evaluating your lifestyle, the difficulty you now have functioning in a day-to-day setting and of course how much pain you are in and your threshold levels.

Chuck’s guessing that he has come along on this date and decided that at this point in his life, he isn’t ready for the commitment required to bathe and clean you. To be your rock. To be your anchor. To be your shining light. And more importantly the thought of having to wipe your arse has probably put him right off.

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